Suicide, My Secret Thoughts

By Anna Unknown

It's something you never talk about. You really wish you could, but who would understand? People think it's a desperate cry for attention, so you hold it in and you keep it to yourself. It's your secret. They can't see the pain and loneliness that you so desperately long to escape. Feeling like there is no other way to break free from your torment, you entertain thoughts of suicide.
Ever since giving in to that very first thought it is as though you opened a door. Now those thoughts unavoidably come back to visit you more frequently, until finally, it's all you can think about. You start to make a plan. Surprisingly you realize there is a sense of excitement on the inside, knowing you have a secret that no one else knows. It gives you a sense of having power and control in your life, something you have not had in a very long time.
Within these pages you will hear my story. It is a story of great pain and sorrow. Most importantly, it is a story of hope and healing. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of harming themselves, please, allow me the great honor of sharing my journey.
Imagine climbing a great mountain. Every step brings a new challenge. Every time it rains the ground we walk on turns to mud. We slip and lose our footing, falling backwards just a bit. As we finally get to a place where we are surer of each step, and actually making some progress, we are now able to turn around and throw a life-line to help pull someone else as they are slipping in the mud behind us. My hope is that this book will be that life-line. Please give me a chance.
If you even suspect someone of struggling with thoughts of suicide, PLEASE give them a copy of this book. Do it anonymously if you are concerned about over stepping boundaries. If someone you know has been acting strange, or they just don’t seem to be acting like themselves. Maybe they are in a daze or maybe they are at the final stages and feeling excited about having a plan. DON’T WAIT! Act now! You may be able to save their life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anna Unknown
• Release date: Nov 23, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370730919

Anna Unknown

Anna Unknown is not my real name, but it is who I am. I use this name to protect my privacy as well as the privacy of all those mentioned in my writings. It is not my desire to draw attention to myself or anyone else. My intention in writing through Anna Unknown is to reach out to those hurting souls who believe that they are all alone. You are not alone. I am with you, right there beside you in this unseen world that surrounds us, tormenting us, trying to destroy us from the inside out. Daily walking on those broken shards of glass, being so careful not to say the wrong thing. Fighting those demons telling me to give up and die, there's no other way out. It may feel like we are victims, but if you could only see what is not visible to the human eye, you would realize, we are actually great and chosen warriors. We are in a battle and we must get up and fight! Join me, learn from me, take my hand and lets go on a journey through the eyes of Anna Unknown.

Book preview

Table of Content

Introduction

Broken Boundaries

Pain of Reality

The Walking Dead

Fatal Affects

Nowhere to Go

Desperate For Change

What Happened?

I Will Control My Pain

The Dark Side of the Unseen

Understanding Your Abuser

You Are Precious

Taking Some Ownership

Conclusion

Introduction

Having been verbally assaulted most of my life, inner pain had become far too familiar. Accusers in my life seemed to be, for the most part, men. For some of these men it was alcohol induced, for others it was simply uncontrolled anger, no alcohol needed. Oh, but when alcohol was introduced, it was brutal! Viciously painful words cut to the core of my being…belittling my existence, making me feel unwanted, unloved, as though I were a burden in their lives.

Though they would never say it, it certainly gave me the impression that maybe they would be happier with me gone. Nowhere to go, the only logical solution that my mind could come up with, in this extreme state of depression, was the unthinkable, suicide.

Suicide is a touchy subject that cannot be understood unless you have experienced it, and I have, in more ways than one. Frequently struggling with feelings of self destruction since I was a young teenager, little did I know my mother and my grandmother also fought the same demon. Unfortunately they both lost their battle as they gave in to those inner cries of anguish.

Within these pages I bear my soul as I share my experiences, my pain, and ultimately how I found freedom from those tormenting thoughts that tried to end my life on more than one occasion. My intention of writing this book is not only to encourage my readers, but to let you know that you are not alone and that you too can overcome. Your life is valuable and it has meaning beyond what you could ever imagine! Someone else’s life may be depending on you, but first, you have to win the battle yourself.

Broken Boundaries

Boundaries seem to be misunderstood by people driven by emotions. These borders are set around ones personal space, an unseen aura of invisible limits that protect my inner essence. Loved ones are trusted and privileged to be granted access within that personal space. But what happens when those chosen few, whom are allowed entrance into the most intimate part of my being, abuse their privileges?

These lucky few individuals, whom I lay down my guard to, have no idea what an honor it is and how fortunate they are to be chosen among a world full of people. How could they take that privileged right of entrance so lightly, as they tortured my spirit with their angry words, provoking pain beyond description and violate my right to inner peace?

They made me feel as though they were ripping my heart out, repeatedly sinking their vicious fangs into the beating flesh…their fingernails violently piercing through the organ as they squeezed the life out of it. Forced to listen to their rage, I felt like my soul was being violently raped by their words of wrath.

Tears fell, like blood from an open wound. Powerless against the strength of their unbridled emotions, all I can do is freeze. To hide my tears I turn my head, because if they saw, more accusations would be provoked. Instantly sinking deep within myself, unable to move as though someone just poured cement over my body, I bow my head in false shame and I take it.

When isolated from their presence, anguished cries erupted from the deepest depths of my soul and consumed me. The pressure I had been holding in for so long, trying to hide, suddenly escapes in wave after wave of emotion, until I could not breathe and I literally felt like I was going to vomit. My head felt like it was going to explode as the throbbing pain from the intracranial hypertension took hold.

Who granted them permission to murder a soul through the hurtful, ugly words that they so easily spew from their lips? Like daggers flying through the air. Each one