Thoughts on Demand: Turn Negative Self-Talk into Unstoppable Confidence

By Paul Boehnke PCC ELI-MP

Procrastination, perfectionism, impostor syndrome, and lack of confidence all find their roots in the negative messages we tell ourselves. Turning those negative messages around brings clarity, confidence, encouragement, and possibility.

In this guide to turning negative self-talk into unstoppable confidence, Paul Boehnke, a certified life coach and musician, shares a proven process to getting your life on track. He explains how to:

• overcome self-doubt to discover self-worth;
• recognize the lies we believe and why we believe them;
• move past roadblocks to the truth;
• alleviate the suffering caused by negative self-talk.

The author also tackles topics such as fear, surrender, wholeness, and how a broader perspective can help you live into your unique purpose.

Reprogram your critical inner voice and change your life for the better with the lessons and insights in this self-help guide.



“Anyone who desires to experience their life as the the expansive, joy-filled dance it can be absolutely must read—and re-read—Thoughts on Demand!”
Bridgette Simmonds, Life and Leadership Coach

“This book is so filled with wisdom and kindness.”
Dr. Lisa Kaplin, Psychologist/Coach

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 18, 2022
• ISBN: 9798765229446

Paul Boehnke PCC ELI-MP

As a classical musician, Paul Boehnke learned performers’ tricks to get his mind, body, and emotions to do what he needed them to do, when he needed them to do it. When he turned those same skills toward taming the negative self-talk in his head, he realized he had the power to not only change his life, but the lives of others as well. He now helps his clients remove the doubt, self-criticism, and overthinking that prevents them from living their true purpose.

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Copyright © 2022 Paul Boehnke, PCC, ELI-MP.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022910253

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2945-3 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2946-0 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2944-6 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 07/13/2022

Contents

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Chapter 1: The Birth of This Process

Chapter 2: Identifying Self-Doubt

Chapter 3: The Origins of Self-Doubt

Chapter 4: Phase 1: Recognizing Self-Doubt for What It Is

Chapter 5: Phase 2: Uncover the Lies

Chapter 6: Intermission: Release and Surrender

Chapter 7: Phase 3: Create A New Message

Chapter 8: Phase 4: Practice

Chapter 9: A Broader Perspective

Endnotes

Acknowledgments

I’m grateful to many who have helped bring this book to fruition. Here is a partial list of those who have had the biggest impact.

My son Bryan for help with understanding calculus and infinity and for being an inspiration to me in so many ways.

My clients, who provide the evidence of the power of these ideas.

My mother, who when I told her I was writing this book, contradicted messages I’d learned growing up. I asked her if she could believe that I was writing a book. Her answer was a very authentic and convincing, Yes, I can.

The patience and persistence of the universe, which has spent 60 years calling this book into being.

Julie, for her patience and love while I dealt (deal) with my own inner critic.

My experience as a musician and all the reading and study I’ve done over the years has informed this book. There are, however, a few writers, teachers, and perspectives that have had a larger impact. They include the Hoffman Institute, the Enneagram Institute, the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching and Bruce D. Schneider, Internal Family Systems developed by Dr. Richard Schwarz, the work of Joseph Campbell, Pema Chödrön, Abraham Hicks, Lao Tzu, and Eckhart Tolle. Thank you to them and to my own self-doubts. All have helped shape who I am as well as the contours of this book.

Foreword

As a self-proclaimed personal growth junkie, I am very familiar with the slew of self-help and personal growth books. It’s a crowded market, with countless professionals saying the same things. My own journey has led me to read my fair share, with even more on my nightstand just waiting to be cracked open. So, when Paul asked me to write this forward, as honored as I truly felt, I also thought, Oh gosh, just what we all need…another personal growth book!

Readers pick up a personal growth book for a reason. They realize that their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are getting in the way of creating the life they want, and they’re searching for support to create a change they desire. Whether it’s finding love, abundance, confidence, happiness, even a new job, it all comes down to the reader looking for the keys to change something. Thoughts On Demand begins to deliver those keys.

I love all things woo woo, and that doesn’t resonate with everyone. Some readers want a more scientific basis to feel confident with information. Paul has done a beautiful job combining both the esoteric energetic approach to taming our negative self-talk with the science behind it. This is what makes this book so beneficial. It makes sense out of concepts that often don’t make sense. It truly appeals to both the right and left brain. Paul also breaks down the information and gives very practical tips and tools so the reader can easily put the information into practice. This is a real advantage for the reader regardless of whether they are just beginning their growth journey or are well on their way.

An important piece of the personal growth puzzle, often missing in other books, is depth. The surface level instant gratification so many of us look for, like the diet pill we want that will cause us to lose 20 pounds in a week, is neither healthy nor sustainable. Thoughts On Demand takes the reader’s hand and walks through the process of going deep so that true sustainable change can happen. It even gives insight on what to do when you get stuck in the growth process.

As a certified life and leadership development coach and trainer, I have supported thousands of clients and students on their personal and professional journeys for over a decade. I believe in the work we do and see its power on a daily basis. This book is a compelling addition that not only adds to the conversation but also provides a toolbox to support you in reprogramming that inner critic we all experience.

One of my favorite, and one of the most unique, aspects of this book is how Paul parallels our personal growth journey to music. Music is universal, whether you are a trained professional, learned the recorder in second grade, or just love to sing loudly in the shower, we can all relate to it. I spent nearly two decades as a professional musician, including some time teaching music to children. One of the biggest lessons in music is that it takes practice. Lots and lots of practice! Unless you’re a prodigy, we don’t just sit at the piano and have the ability to play the music of Beethoven or Ellington or Elton John. We learn notes on the scale, the different fingerings for our instrument, perhaps how to blow into it and breathe. It takes practice to learn these new skills, and it takes time. This is why people quit—because it takes effort and time, and it’s not always easy nor fun! Paul brilliantly links his own experiences as a musician to our growth journey, which also requires time, effort, and lots of practice. Again, that’s often not easy nor fun—and yet it’s required.

Through personal stories of his own as well as his clients, Paul takes us on an honest expedition of candid self-reflection that resonates deeply and mirrors the struggle so many of us have in overcoming the deep-seated message that we are not good enough in one way or another. Whether it’s a loud booming voice keeping you from applying for your dream job, sharing your ideas in a meeting, putting yourself out there on a dating app, or the faint whisper reminding you that you will fail sooner or later, Thoughts On Demand is a perceptive playbook to identify, re-work, and break through old patterns that keep you stuck and playing small.

Lesley Picchietti

Certified Life and Leadership Development Coach

CHAPTER 1

The Birth of This Process

T here I was playing a piece of music I hadn’t played in five years when it happened. My mind was suddenly filled with thoughts of a girl I’d had a crush on five years earlier. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up, a swirl of emotions throwing me off balance. I recognized familiar thoughts and feelings from that time. It was all very sudden and quite unsettling. Why was I experiencing thoughts and emotions from five years ago, thoughts that had nothing to do with my life now? The answer, it turns out, would eventually change my life.

After the initial shock wore off, I realized those five-year-old thoughts and emotions seized my heart and mind at a specific place in the music I was playing. When I was in music school, I was learning that very piece of music. It was difficult, and there was one four-measure section that was particularly hard and wasn’t getting any better over the days and weeks I’d been working on it. I decided to devote forty minutes of one practice time to just those four measures, playing them over and over, hoping they’d become less awkward. All that repetition worked. They did indeed become less awkward. But during those same forty minutes, I was thinking about this girl. Five years later, when those same thoughts came screaming back to my mind, it hit me: I’d practiced those thoughts along with the notes in that music. In just forty minutes, the thoughts and emotions had become so attached to the physical act of playing those notes, that all I had to do was play the notes, and the habit I’d created brought the thoughts and emotions back as well.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that experience was the first of many that would inform the process outlined in this book. It’s a process that can free you from the heaviness and shame you feel when negative self-talk tells you you’re not good enough in one way or another.

Thoughts on Demand

Performing on stage is an interesting experience. It’s one that puts you literally in the spotlight. It asks you to be technically outstanding, eminently prepared, and emotionally vulnerable (in public)—all at the same time. When performing, all this needs to be in place at exactly the right second. It doesn’t matter if one is having a bad day, feeling ill, or just doesn’t feel like making music at the moment. The music needs specific things from the performer at specific times. The audience comes expecting a stellar performance, and it’s the job of the musician to provide that stellar performance on demand, regardless of whether it is only once or night after night. One needs particular skills to do all that. Essentially, performers have to get their mind, emotions, and body to think, feel, and do what they need them to, when they need them to do it. Practicing is the way they accomplish this.

It’s not just mindless repetition though. Effective practice requires a very conscious combination of thought, emotion, and physical action. For example, at one point I was learning another piece of music on the organ that was keeping both hands and feet very busy. There was a moment in which one hand was doing one thing, the other hand something else, and my feet, well, something completely different from either of those. I was having trouble playing this without falling off the organ bench or creating a major train wreck in the middle of it all.

I discovered, however, that a particular combination of specific thoughts, coupled with specific motions plus the emotional meaning of the music, made it possible for me to navigate the difficulties. After practicing these precise thoughts, actions, and emotions many times, they seemed to meld into a single motion that I carried out automatically. I no longer needed to consciously think about these things because they had become part of my unconscious activity.

That is also what’s required to reprogram that pesky voice in your head: consciously thinking, feeling, and acting in ways that build new, more supportive habits—practicing those new ways enough that they become automatic and part of your unconscious activity. After thirty years as a classical musician, I got pretty good at refining and practicing these techniques as well as teaching them to my students. What I hadn’t expected was how useful these skills would become in other parts of my life.

The Need to Go Deeper

Even after doing lots of personal work and reading piles of books on psychology, mythology, spirituality, and personal development, I still had beliefs and fears that either continued to remain hidden or refused to let go of me. I had learned and grown so much, but areas of my life still felt persistently and mysteriously stuck. There were deeply ingrained patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior I’d lived with my whole life. Messages that kept me