Confessions of a Foolish Heart: 11 Biggest Divorce No-No's!

By Heartdoodler

Confessions of a Foolish Heart takes you through a spectacular, unbelievably heartfelt journey of friendship, love, pain and despair. This book is about the struggles of divorce, especially for Foolish Hearts people who live, love and think with their hearts, who may not be equipped to survive the divorce process. The book comes from the perspective of the authors own story, aligned to the struggles that others could face as they try to survive divorce, and some bits of advice in how to overcome those challenges, and the loving heart that might get in the way.

Going through the divorce process is generally not easy for anyone, however, every person is different. It is a difficult process to survive, and the author equips readers with knowledge and skills that will give them strength to come out on the other side of divorce as a new person. A person who can love yourself, even if you didnt find love at the end of your divorce.

Confessions of a Foolish Heart also dives into the very real anguish of trying to co-parent through a painful divorce. Although divorce is not the childrens fault, children often get caught in the middle of it. And the author understands that not all parents can choose to amicably co-parent, if the other parent does not have that desire. The author teaches us that there is enough love in the kids hearts to love all their parents, step and bio included, but it is the adults immaturity who make children become precious territory that you have to fight for. So, she will also help you roll up your sleeves and fight if you have to, even if your Foolish Heart doesnt always see the path in doing so.

It is amazing what we take for granted and just expect will be there... family, job, friends, home... Through divorce, many of these things can disappear overnight. It can be too much to bare. But you dont have to face it alone, and you are not alone.

Through the book, Confessions of a Foolish Heart, the author provides real tools to help you find the strength to make it each day. Equipping you with the ability to not worry about next week, or the week after, but rather, focusing on getting through the day. Taking one day at a time. And then one day, you will be strong, and you will not focus on surviving life, but instead, enjoying it. We often forget how strong we truly are. If you open your heart, your mind, your spirit, you will find strength. Divorce is not the end!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 15, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543474534

Book preview

Confessions of a Foolish Heart

11 Biggest Divorce No-No’s!

Heartdoodler

Copyright © 2018 by Heartdoodler.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2017919397

ISBN:                  Hardcover                         978-1-5434-7455-8

                            Softcover                           978-1-5434-7454-1

                            eBook                                 978-1-5434-7453-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 04/02/2018

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

772058

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Prologue:     A Day in the Life of a Piece of Bubblegum

Chapter 1     No Escaping the Foolish Heart

The Man of My Dreams

Chapter 2     My Foolish-Heart Story

Drowning Emotions

Chapter 3     No-No Rule 1

A Thousand Times

Call a Friend

Chapter 4     No-No Rule 2

It Is Gone

Know Your Friendship Circle

Chapter 5     No-No Rule 3

Not a Day Goes By

Create a Measured Pros/Cons List

Chapter 6     No-No Rule 4

A Cold Place

Get an Independent Attorney

Chapter 7     No-No Rule 5

Sleep

Don’t Cave In

Chapter 8     No-No Rule 6

I Am Only i

Create a Click List

Chapter 9     No-No Rule 7

Friendship

Join a Chat Room

Chapter 10   No-No Rule 8

You’ve Lost

Accepting Gravity

Chapter 11   No-No Rule 9

Solitary Person

Remember that Negativity Projects

Chapter 12   No-No Rule 10

Patiently

Create a Family Schedule

Chapter 13   No-No Rule 11

Driftglass

Find a Distraction

Chapter 14   The End, the Middle, the Beginning

Epilogue: The Weak Woman

Annotations And Credits

BOOK ABSTRACT

T HIS BOOK IS about the struggles of divorce for people whom I’ve dubbed Foolish Hearts—people who live, love, and think with their hearts, who may not be equipped to survive the divorce process. It’s from the perspective of my own story, aligned with the struggles that others could face as they try to survive divorce, and some bits of advice on how to overcome those challenges and the loving heart that might get in the way.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I WOULD LIKE TO dedicate this book to so many, but particularly the following people.

To three amazing women in my life. To my sister Valorye, I cannot regret the time we didn’t have or what was wasted. I can only appreciate the time we had and the memories we made. To my mother, who is no Foolish Heart, but loves her children unconditionally. To Joanna, you are one of the most authentic people I know.

I am also dedicating this book to one spectacular man in my life. To Jesper, you were there for me and, despite differences, egos, and fears, made me a promise that you kept. You saw me through all the hard parts when no one else could.

This book is also dedicated to the tens of thousands of women and men on Facebook groups who share your pain, tears, and triumphs. Your posts help us to know that we are not alone, and there is a reason for this book. I hope this book helps relieve your pain, helps you face your fears, and provides some inspiration to know that you are stronger than you may give yourself credit for.

PROLOGUE

A Day in the Life of a Piece of Bubblegum

I am a piece of bubblegum

All snug up in my home

All that I can see today

Is a pocket and a comb

What does this kid think he’s doing

Taking me out of my clothes

My legs are bare, my arms are cold

And I’m shivering to my toes

Ouch! He’s really hurting me

Chewing me all up

Yuck! All his spit’s getting on me

And he’s putting me in a cup

Brrr… this has cold water in it

And I can’t even swim

Great, his mother called him

She said, Don’t do that Tim.

Good, he’s taking me out of the cup.

Oh, no! And dropping me on the floor

I grabbed hold to his foot

And he walked me out the door

This kid does not know how to treat

A simple piece of gum

I wish his friends would stop being nice

And giving that boy some

D IVORCE. DOESN’T IT feel like you’re that piece of bubblegum. You have a home. You’re living the life you thought you would live forever. You’re comfortable in your life, maybe even snug and cozy in that home, and then you’re forced to wake up to reality of the situation you’ve been living. Your spouse is not happy, or you’re not happy. This marriage was supposed to last forever, but now it’s over. You give your spouse some of the best years of your life, so it might feel, but you end up getting dropped on the floor and stepped on. Perhaps, you were even traded in for another piece of gum. A fresher piece. I don’t know about you, but this is sure how I felt when I was going through my divorce.

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It is funny now that I think about it. Since going through divorce, it is so much easier to see the connections to divorce in just about everything that touches my life. Who would have thought you could personally relate to a child’s poem and a piece of bubble gum? How many of us feel like we are being chewed up, spit out, thrown into cold water, and then left without another thought? It is not such a far stretch, is it? In a lot of ways, and to a lot of people, that is what divorce does to you. It changes your life, and in some ways, it even opens your eyes. You become a new person. A different person. Although it is hard to see it as you are waiting on the floor to find something to grab hold of, you are the only you who gets to determine who that new person is. It is you who gets to decide whether this new you is a better you than the person you were during your marriage.

Take a moment and let’s just focus on you. You probably haven’t focused on yourself in quite a long time? To find this new you, you need to ask yourself, do you really know the old you? Do you really know yourself? Are you being truthful about who you really are, what you feel, how you are representing yourself to everyone around you right now?

For instance, I want you to take a minute and think about this question. Why are you divorced? Now, I know, I know. You are divorced because your ex is an a-hole, a b-word, a narcissist? Maybe a cheater, a liar, a traitor, someone who doesn’t understand you, or someone who is a destroyer of families, of lives? While this assessment may all be accurate, and you feel one or many of these words are a perfect descriptor of the one who dropped you on the floor, we’re not here for that person. We are here for you. Do you really think that the only reason for your divorce is because of your ex? I thought you said you were going to be truthful.

This might seem harsh, but I say it with every ounce of kindness and love in my body. I am here to help, to be that shoulder, and I do understand your pain. I’ve been there, and I’ve overcome. I had to be truthful to myself to get there, and I am asking that you also be thoughtful, be truthful. I am asking that you put aside the anger, sadness or hatred you might be holding onto regarding your ex right now. Put aside the grief you must be feeling over what you have lost. You can bring all of those emotions back in just a minute. Believe it or not, they do somewhat help us get through the pain we are going through. But, in this moment, let’s just focus on you. All of those words we have just used to describe your ex, whether true or not, act as a deflection. They help you through this difficult time because those words take away your own responsibility, and the role you might have played in your divorce. If we don’t own up to the part that we played ourselves, we will sink into the role of the victim. Once we have fallen prey to being a victim, that new you that you will become, will be caught in a cycle of being the victim of other’s actions, of other’s feelings, of how other’s interpret you. Keeping yourself trapped in the role of the victim will not help you move forward.

If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we did actually play a part in our divorce. Yes, our ex played a part as well, but we’re not focusing on that person right now remember. Let’s think about the part that you played. At the end of the day, it’s not about the toothpaste cap that wasn’t put on, it wasn’t about the toilet seat that was left up. As you think about it, the reason for your divorce, and potentially the part you played in it, goes deeper than that, doesn’t it?

Now that you’ve thought about it, admitted it, and accepted the role you might have had, it is time to forgive yourself. Give yourself a hug. Really, give yourself a big hug, and say it is okay. Whatever you did, whatever your ex did, they were just straws piling up. Those straws were bound to snap, to break. Beating yourself up mentally is not going to take the straws off the pile, it’s not going to change what has already happened. You may not have seen the pile getting so high, or might not have even known there were these piles of straws piling up that might eventually break your marriage in two. But, here you are and it is time to accept that the last straw has fallen, and the pile has now come crashing down. The things that you contributed to that pile could have been as simple as you not being a good match, a good fit for your partner. But, acknowledging it is the first step to transformation. I believe this level of introspection and reflection will help open your mind to the words in this book, to help you through a continued journey of transformation for yourself, to help you through these trying times.

Now you need to think about the person you were during your marriage. As you think about your divorce journey, ask yourself whether you were really the person you wanted to be while you were in your marriage. How many times were you just going through the steps and living the life you thought you were supposed to live, or being the person you thought you were supposed to be? Be honest. Dig deep. Was it really a life that was bringing out the best in you, making you feel the best about yourself?

I bring these things up because as much as we might want to blame the other person for destroying our life, at some point we really do need to take a peak in the mirror and see the truth. There is actually a chance that we can be a fuller person, a truer person as a result. Through divorce, we will learn that the lessons of our past can actually help guide us into this new person. A new me. A new you. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all things, but it sure can transform you even if it doesn’t take away the scars. Read the stories and advice in this book with an open heart. Knowing, none of us are perfect, and sometimes, we forgive others faster than we forgive the person that really matters. If you can forgive others, then you absolutely deserve the right to forgive yourself.

Through my divorce journey and the years that would follow, I learned so much about myself. I was a Foolish Heart. I am a Foolish Heart. Even though I had to accept this, and even embrace it, I also had to learn how to take control of my emotions. I had to take control of my heart, and had to quit being a fool with my Foolish Heart. This allowed me to take back control of something even more important. I took back control of my life. I hope this book helps you find yourself, believe in yourself, and take back control, giving you the ability to experience and enjoy each moment that your life has to offer you.

Confessions of a Foolish Heart is a book about hope through the divorce process. It’s about hope through the co-parenting process, and it’s about hope through your survival over your own mental torment and plummeting self-esteem. Through the pages of this book, I will guide you through a story of divorce, pain, hurt, sadness, and transformation, to give you some perspective of what this new you could be. The stronger you. The resilient you. The person who learns to love, laugh and live again.

CHAPTER 1

No Escaping the Foolish Heart

L ET ME START by first giving you a perspective into me, my thoughts, and the way my mind works. The words you read in this book are from a foolish person, with a Foolish Heart. You will learn a lot more about the Foolish Heart as you journey through this book, but as you read the stories, the expressions, the opinions, and the commentary, know that this Foolish Heart of mine is what drove me to write the book in the first place. I will just say that you will need to pardon the conversational tone in which I have written the book. I have written the book as a true reflection of my style and perspective. I will spare you from all the  smiley faces that I normally write with, so you should at least be thankful for that  ! Believe me, there would have been plenty, which, I have been told, is not appropriate for a book 😉 .

You will learn and soon discover, as I mention the word foolish, as in Foolish Heart. I am not talking about the fool, the person who has no clue, who has no sense, who has no reasoning. I am talking about the person who, through their own beliefs, desires, feelings, and reflections on who they are in life, know what it is like to put themselves out there, to open their heart, to feel with their heart, to love with their hearts, and to live through their heart. It’s in these people we have chosen to make the conscious decision that it is okay to live and experience life through the emotions that drive us to be exactly who we are. You accept you for being exactly who you are. You are not perfect, and you realize this. You feel deeply. And you are okay with this. Your emotions are yours to own, to feel, to believe in. Some people call it gut; some people may want to call it emotional thinking. Regardless of what you call it, if you are a Foolish Heart like I am, you are okay that you are an emotional, heartfelt person, and you believe this makes you stronger, not weaker. This book is written by and for the Foolish Heart.

The very first thing you should know is that for the sake of legal responsibility, I will say that the characters included in this book are fictional. Although they are very real through my memories, I also know they are a representation of my own interpretations. The words written in this book are mine. The thoughts are mine. The stories are mine. This is my perspective and my opinion. I say this simply because I owe it to you to know that there are many sides to the same story. There is no truth; there is only perspective. I will tell you this though—the stories, expressions, and the feelings written in this book come 100 percent from beliefs, creations, and perspectives of what I personally feel transpired in my life and through my own divorce journey. Everyone is responsible for owning their own opinion and perspective. My story is constructed as a result of my own memories and is used to highlight some of the pain that I have personally thought and felt. My hope is that these stories will give you the ability to pave a path, your own path, and create a beginning, a middle, and an end to your own story that you will reflect on positively.

Although the memories in this book are mine and based on my own sense of truth and reality, I do know that many of us may want to alter history—have a revisionist’s version of history, as I call it. This is potentially driven by guilt and not having the capability to own up to the mistakes made and be able to love yourself without putting blame on someone else. However, the guilt that you carry with you, in how you may have treated or mistreated another, is yours to bare. From my own Foolish Heart, I know what if feels like when someone tries to feed off the pain of someone else, to relieve the pain of their own guilty heart. What I believe is that if people love and accept, they will be loved and accepted. You are responsible for living with the guilt or hoping that the person you wronged has a Foolish Heart, who will forgive, forget, and embrace the you that you’ve become. I have learned to do that, and through my journey, I hope you can see that with the pains and struggles that I have endured, you surely can be open to forgiving as well.

One thing that I think is important to point out so that people do not get this confused is that the Foolish Heart thinker is not the same as an emotional thinker. An emotional thinker uses their emotions to channel their thoughts and decisions. If they’re upset, most likely any decision they will make is based on that mood. If they are in love or if they are sad, the resulting action will be based on that emotion and the way the person is feeling. A Foolish Heart thinker, on the other hand, uses their heart at most times to channel an answer