Shorts

By Kenneth Hill

“Ken Hill has published a book of short plays.”
“I thought he was dead.”
“Nope. Not yet.”
“You say they are short?”
“Yes.”
“That’s good.”
“Ten-fifteen minutes they’re done. I could say they’re like a box of chocolates but I’d rather not.”
“Wouldn’t any play be better seen and heard?”
“Yes.”
“What’s he thinking?”
“They have to start somewhere.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781663239372

Kenneth Hill

Ken Hill is the author of a book of short stories entitled, “What The Road Brings”, and a book of poetry called “Haiku...Plus.” All plays in this book are unproduced and anyone interested can email the author at Melting [e-mail] or call [phone]

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Copyright © 2022 Kenneth Hill.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-3938-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-3937-2 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 05/10/2022

A monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of Shakespeare

— Infinite Monkey Theorem

Now cut that out!

— Jack Benny

CONTENTS

Acknowledgment

Out of the Barrel

That Annoying, Back of the Throat Dry Cough

A Loaf of Bread, A Jug of Wine and Them

The Muscle

Next!

Moth in the Room

A Bad Shoe

Cyril & Sue

What If Game

Inside Wife

Mother and Daughter

Bait Fish

Vinny’s Movie....Pre Production

F**k it List

What Plays Here

Like A Race Horse

Password

Dogs

Shrinkage

Nonsequiturnabout

When The Last Clown Weeps

Bone Apart

Recompence... A Fantasy

It’s Cold for September

Leaving A Piece for Jesus

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

My thanks to Izzy for her patience and organizational skills that easily escape the author and to Danielle Lessard for the techno skills that also easily escape the... you know.

Leah Hill, Mike Calvert and Daisy Hill Calvert for their excellent work for the front cover and thanks as well to Sam Montgomery for his daring physical work for the cover and Violet Hill Calvert for her photograph.

For the day to day absurdities offered up by Paul, Miggy Sweet, LenRod, Moses, Tom Duva, the late Piggy, and from the shadows, TQ and the Ol’ Nipper, my thanks.

To Karen Case for her inspiration and to Janice Wilson Higgins, my best girl and most brave reader.

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OUT OF THE BARREL

31704.png

CHARACTERS:

WILLIE

CHUCK

SETTING:

Willie runs into Chuck who is seated in some outdoor setting. They are of the same age Retirement age.

WILLIE: Chuck!

CHUCK: Oh... hi Willie.

WILLIE: What’s shakin’ man.

CHUCK: Not a lot.

WILLIE: Been a while.

CHUCK: What?

WILLIE: Long time no see.

CHUCK: Yeah.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: You in town long?

CHUCK: A week.

WILLIE: I saw the flyer for the show. Glad I ran into you.

CHUCK: Thanks.

WILLIE: Yeah...life on the road hunh? You’ve seen things.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: (Continued) You seem down man, everything okay?

CHUCK: What?

WILLIE: You alright Chuck?

CHUCK: As can be expected.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: How’s that?

CHUCK: Ahh... I don’t want to bore you Willie.

WILLIE: C’mon Chuck, s’okay, I got a minute. Shoot.

(BEAT)

CHUCK: Thinkin’ about quttin’ the show Willie.

WILLIE: No.

CHUCK: Yeah.

WILLIE: How come?

CHUCK: Just can’t do it anymore.

WILLIE: You talkin’ retirement?

CHUCK: Retirement.

WILLIE: Thinkin’ about it.

CHUCK: Thinkin’ hard.

WILLIE: Wow.

CHUCK: What?

WILLIE: I just said Wow

CHUCK: Oh.

WILLIE: But you’re like...Chuck, you’re like top of the game.

CHUCK: Ahh, the thrill is gone.

WILLIE: Goin’ through the motions?

CHUCK: More or less.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: Happens, I guess. (BEAT) You know Chuck, in school I said that you’d be the guy who one day I would say ‘I went to school with that guy’. You’re that guy.

CHUCK: Thanks Willie.

WILLIE: And you’re still a big shot around here Chuck, and all over really.

CHUCK: Big shot, that’s funny.

WILLIE: (Laughs) I didn’t mean it like that. (BEAT) But hey, you retire and they still talk about you years from now. On top. No doubt.

CHUCK: C’mon Willie, there’s no...talent in what I do, people should know that, it’s nothin’ that nobody couldn’t do.

WILLIE: I couldn’t do it! I don’t even like roller coasters.

CHUCK: Nothin’ to it.

WILLIE: Nothin’ to it! You’re cuttin’ yourself short Chuck. The guts it takes to do what you do?

CHUCK: The what?

WILLIE: Guts!

CHUCK: Well, truth is it was a blast at first but it gets old fast, after...after a while. Really, I only got into the business because I had nothin’ goin’. What did I do in school? The only reason I got into it was because of my Grandmother. Because she was such a big attraction and had been so successful and when she wanted to retire she still wanted to keep the act going and since I wasn’t doin’ nothin’ they got me. People remembered her.

WILLIE: I remember! Big Bertha! She was the best.

CHUCK: She hated that name.

WILLIE: It sounded good.

CHUCK: Because of the gun.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: We were pretty young when she was big.

CHUCK: Yeah, she was a top draw.

WILLIE: What did your Grandfather think?

CHUCK: He didn’t. He was dead.

WILLIE: Yeah. Was he ever part of the act? I don’t recall.

CHUCK: No, he delivered milk. (BEAT) He died in the stampede.

WILLIE: Oh yeah, the Great Stampede of ’48.

CHUCK: Nine.

WILLIE: ’49. (BEAT) How bout the irony there hunh? The danger in what you and Big Bertha do and did for a living and then what’s safer than being a milkman.

CHUCK: It’s not as dangerous as it looks.

WILLIE: That’s what you say but people want to believe it is. I believe it.

CHUCK: It’s just part of the act. But...

WILLIE:... What Chuck?

CHUCK: I’ve reached the end of the line Willie, it’s...I just don’t want to be a human cannonball anymore.

WILLIE: No?

CHUCK: No.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: Well, there you said it.

CHUCK: Gotta say it.

WILLIE: You just don’t want to be shot out of a cannon anymore.

CHUCK: I don’t.

WILLIE: That’s...loud and clear Chuck. (BEAT) So what’s the ...

CHUCK: ... I looked up to my grandmother, she was the star of the family, so she comes to me with the idea of me joining the act and I had nothin’ happenin’, couldn’t get out of my own way and I really didn’t want to be shot out of a cannon, I was scared, thought it was stupid, but my parents and Big Bertha talked me into it and after a while...I dug it, the crowds, the applause, the thrill, the rush that came and it went on for a few years but then I lost it...no thrill, no rush, I kept on but I knew the rush was not coming back, I gotta face it, I miss what I can’t have and that makes it all...empty.

WILLIE: Dude, the fire’s out.

CHUCK: Fire’s out.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: So what now?

CHUCK: That’s it, I’m back where I started. I have no skills, I don’t know how to do anything, didn’t take any brains to be a human cannonball, it’s like I’m twenty years old all over again. Which way do I go? (BEAT) My father wanted me to go into refrigeration.

WILLIE: Really.

CHUCK: That didn’t appeal to me.

WILLIE: No, you’ve got show business in your blood.

CHUCK: What?

WILLIE: Show business.

CHUCK: Yeah right, just don’t confuse it with anything that involves talent or or... face it, basically I was fodder.

WILLIE: C’mon Chuck.

CHUCK: Cannon fodder. I’m fodder.

WILLIE: No, why are you...

CHUCK: ... I had...there was a dummy that traveled with me, they shoot the dummy to check the flight, right? The trajectory. The dummy’s got the suit, the helmet, the boots, everything like me, weighs what I weigh, he’s filled with sand, I lose a few pounds, take out some sand, I put some on, add sand, dummy has a name, right? Dummy Chuck. (Using barker’s voice) ‘Fire Dummy Chuck’. Good, okay, Chuck is good to go. Chuck and Dummy Chuck. I look over at Dummy Chuck, he looks back at me, that’s my brother, my best friend...which one’s the dummy? Don’t matter. I eat a coupla cheeseburgers, a piece of chocolate cake, have a few beers... Dummy Chuck gets the sand.

WILLIE: Wow. You make it sound like...where’s Dummy Chuck now?

CHUCK: What?

WILLIE: Where is Dummy Chuck right now?

CHUCK: Right now he’s in the trunk of my car.

WILLIE: Dummy Chuck is in the trunk of your car! That just seems so...

CHUCK: ...He’s good for traction in the snow.

WILLIE: Yeah, but...

CHUCK: ...He’s ballast. (BEAT) Dummy Chuck and Chuck, ballast and fodder.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: So what happens to Dummy Chuck if you retire?

CHUCK: I’m not sure. I thought maybe I just add him to some kid’s sandbox.

WILLIE: Ya think? It would be nice I guess, after all he’s been through.

CHUCK: Flew a lotta miles.

WILLIE: Never complained.

CHUCK: Nope. I could bring him to a nice beach.

WILLIE: Pebbles to pebbles.

CHUCK: Yeah.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: Chuck, I said, and meant it, mean it, what you did was amazing regardless of how you want to run it down, because I have no desire to be shot out of a cannon, shot out of anything really, and I would guess not too many people would, but I’m curious what it’s like coming out of the barrel and then flying through the air?

CHUCK: (BEAT) It was always good to be out of the barrel.

WILLIE: Yeah. So...is your car outside?

CHUCK: My what?

WILLIE: Car. You have it with you?

CHUCK: Yeah.

WILLIE: And Dummy Chuck?

CHUCK: In the trunk.

(BEAT)

WILLIE: You mind? Could I come out and meet him?

CHUCK: You want to meet Dummy Chuck?

WILLIE: Hell yeah! After all he’s been through!

(BEAT)

CHUCK: Sure Willie. He’d like that.

(They rise, Chuck needs a little help)

WILLIE: (As They walk) You know, maybe you pick up an hour glass and stick a little of him in there so you’d always have him with you.

CHUCK: Where the hell would I find an hour glass?

WILLIE: C’mon Chuck, gotta be one somewhere. I’ll help you look.

CHUCK: (BEAT) He might be a little coarse for an hour glass.

WILLIE: We’ll get a big one.

END

31696.png

THAT ANNOYING,

BACK OF THE THROAT

DRY COUGH

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CHARACTERS:

LOU

SHARON

BETTINA WESTLEY

A MAN

SETTING:

Outside a restaurant. There is a bench. Lou and Sharon are leaving the restaurant. They are dressed casually for dinner out. They sit on the bench.

•     •     •

(Lou Coughs)

SHARON: Lou...seriously?

LOU: I know.

SHARON: Why can you be so stubborn?

LOU: I know Sharon. (Coughs) It’s this annoying, back of the throat, dry cough.

SHARON: You don’t do anything for it! I think I have one cough drop somewhere in my bag. Will you at least take that?

LOU: I suppose. How old is it?

(Searching in her bag)

SHARON: What difference does it make?

LOU: Maybe they petrify.

SHARON: Maybe they do. Here it is.

(Lou holds it at arm’s length, studies it)

SHARON: (Continued) Just eat the damn thing Lou.

(He coughs)

LOU: How many calories you think in this little cough drop?

SHARON: Calories!? Who cares? Calories. You just ate spaghetti and nine meatballs.

LOU: I know. (HE coughs) I’m just curious. It doesn’t say on the package. How many calories you think Sharon?

SHARON: For godsake Lou, one...one calorie.

LOU: Gotta be more than one.

SHARON: OK, six. Six calories Lou. Just take the damn thing.

(HE coughs, starts to open wrapper, struggles)

LOU: Jesus

SHARON: You’ve got to...no...get the flap.

(He starts to bite the wrapper)

SHARON: No Lou...don’t bite it. Give it to me.

LOU: I’ll get it. I’ll get it. (He coughs)

(A Woman walks by heading for the restaurant. She is dressed provocatively, a handbag over her shoulder. Lou nods to her as He continues to struggle with the wrapper. As the Woman passes Him, Lou breaks open the wrapper and His arm flies out and catches Her in the back of the head knocking Her face first to the floor. Lou gasps and after two seconds or so He coughs).

SHARON: Oh my god! (She kneels beside the Woman) Are you Ok? Hey! Hey! Lou! She’s out cold!

LOU: Holy mackerel! I smacked her pretty good! (He goes down to His knees) Hey there! Wake up! (He coughs).

SHARON: She’s not responding.

LOU: Damn cough drop wrapper. Why do they make it so hard?

SHARON: You just have to get the flap Lou. I don’t think she’s breathing!

LOU: What!

SHARON: No.

LOU: Let’s roll her over.

(They do. Sharon puts her head on the Woman’s chest)

SHARON: She is not breathing.

LOU: Mouth to mouth! I’ll push on her chest!

(They do. No response)

SHARON: I think she’s dead Lou.

(They stare at each other. Lou coughs)

LOU: How can that be!? I didn’t hit her that hard. Whatta we do?

SHARON: I don’t know, but