The 24 Hour Toddler: Chronicles of a SAHM

By Arra Amaru

Arra Amaru takes you through an unfiltered lens of her trials and tribulations of being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). At this job, mommies are on call 24/7. There are no breaks. No vacations, No days off. So put on your seatbelt and enjoy the ever-lasting ride through mischievous mornings, toddler tantrums, slain snacks, and sleep time shenanigans. Guest starring, Joey, a tot at the brink of the so-called terrible twos.

Through Arra's journey she starts to realize two's aren't so terrible after all if you are in the right headspace to endure them.This mommy was once driven to the brink of a mental collapse but through metamorphosis made her way through to the other side. Unscatched and ready to relish in the joys of mommyhood. Once unraveled, this incessant rollercoaster becomes a candid, risque adventure that many moms will appreciate: through exasperation, distress, resentment, anxiety, humility, laughter, elation, adventure and delight. I welcome you to take part in this journey.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667833675

Book preview

THE EARLY RISER ¹

This is how it begins. A look inside the incredible 24 hour day of a toddler from dawn to dusk. Kinda seems like you're about to watch a National Geographic Special:

We follow a mother Kangaroo’s journey through the flat arid plains of Tasmania. We finally get a glimpse of a doey eyed Joey peeking from her Marsupium.

Narrated by none other than David Attenborough.

Let's begin!

I wake up in the middle of the night, aka early morning.

I can’t sleep.

The fan is blowing colder than I'd like, however, my husband's snoring, coupled with the ceiling fan, will help drown out the noise.

I have no energy, as my child has had milk several times throughout the night.

I'm staring at the ceiling in a daze as the oscillating blue stars from the projector float overhead. It's very serene.

My cat is pacing outside the door meowing and yowling for attention.

Do I try to escape the baby's clutches? He is gripping me like an eagle holding its prey.

I ponder for a few more minutes if I should attempt to slip away and out of his talon-like grasp. I know I only have so long before he notices I'm untethered. I just milked him down again 5 minutes ago. The milk will wear off in about 30 minutes. I have to escape while he has a full tummy and is in a deep enough sleep for him not to notice his milk has left the room. So much risk involved. I start reciting The Clash in my head, Should I stay or Should I go now

I did it.

I escaped.

I'm free.

I got away.

I don't know what to do with this excitement. I owe myself a pat on the back. I'm always ecstatic whenever I manage to sneak out of bed successfully. "How did I do it?" You might ask. I honestly can't even recall. I just know I'm here in one room with a sleeping toddler in the other. Today’s already starting to look promising, but let's not speak too early. We all know what happens when toddlers think you're having fun without them. No toddler left behind should be their motto because they never want to miss out on a thing. I guess if I was living in a cramped, dark, watery cave for several months I wouldn’t want to miss a thing. He literally came out of me with two balled fists in the air. He was ready for the world. At that point, the umbilical cord was replaced by an invisible tethered cord between mommy and baby.

I look like someone from the walking dead. I'm stumbling through the deadly aisle of tot toys on my journey to replenishment. I can’t seem to find a water bottle anywhere. I normally keep one near my bed.

I'm dehydrated as all hell.

My mouth is dry.

My lips are ashy and chapped. I'm surprised I have saliva left in my mouth.

I have been dehydrated for several hours. If I drink too much water I will surely be peeing throughout the night, almost hourly. I also put my bladder at risk when I'm being held hostage and don’t want to risk it all by accidentally waking up the sleeping giant. I have found that it is all about timing with a toddler and my bladder. Time, however relative as it may seem, is never in my favor and always in his. Careful timing with a toddler is a skillset worth acquiring.

Now, here I am now in this short-lived time deciding which task should take precedence.

Should I respond to emails?

Should I read a book?

Should I eat a snack?

I'm drained and starved from working all night. I just got off a triple overtime shift with no breaks. I assure you that various labor laws are being broken. I work full time at "Tots Milk Supply Store,'' where I manufacture, distribute and supply milk to a hungry toddler around the clock. My employer runs a pretty tight shift around here, he is very demanding so I must make sure there's an abundant supply. I entered into this lifetime agreement quite willingly; knowing there are no days off or sick leave.

I have concluded it's not worth getting too inundated in any task because 1 of 2 things will happen.

1. My husband will come out of the room and need the computer, so if I am working that comes to a halt because he has 5 am computer time before his workout, and his schedule cannot be thrown off. I take night times when the little one is sleeping and my husband takes the mornings. This allows for me to really get into my flow with minimal interruption. I say ‘minimal’ because the tot will eventually seek me out. There couldn’t be a better score to this scene than Martha and the Vandella’s 1965 classic Nowhere to Run to Baby, Nowhere to Hide

2. My husband starts making noises. Men don't even realize they have no finesse when they move about the house in the wee hours. My husband ferociously opens and closes the drawers and cabinets. The same goes for when he slides the chair out back and forth at the computer desk. If I had $1 for every day I'm yelling "pick the damn chair up, stop sliding it across the hard wood floors, I'd be sitting on some serious dough. I mean even the shower, the way he swings the curtain back drives me insane. The sound of the metal loops on the shower curtain clanging against the metal rod stirs me and the little out of our sleep, often enough. Why must he pull back the shower with so much intensity? Each door and each cabinet becomes louder and louder.

I'm always anticipating having to sprint back into the room any minute as soon as I hear a stir. I like to be in position before the whole explosion begins. He has this little bellicose yelp of so few words yet much meaning.

It's the wtf mom where's my milk kind of yelp.

Sometimes it's a Mommmmm get your ass back in here and milk me right, and I mean right now, leaving me in this dark ass room by myself, this woman has lost her damn mind sort of yelp, or at least that's the internal monologue I envision him having.

My husband walks into the office and gives me that look that says you know what time it is. No worries I will be up in 2 hours anyway when my toddler drags me out of bed. Of course, computer time may not exist again till late, late night to the wee hours of the morning. Usually between 1 am and 4 am.

Is it worth pulling out the laptop and sitting in the kitchen on a tall, squeaky stool with no back support?

Absolutely not.

Is it worth getting radiation poisoning and a crick in my neck from sitting on the couch with my laptop luring over my womb?

Absolutely not.

The setup alone would sabotage the inkling of freedom I have. The clock is running out. I now hear the tick-tock haunting me from a nonexistent clock. I don’t even have a grandfather clock but all the while the sound is quite real. I just wait for him to swing the door open and come running in yelling at me for not being next to him. I’d like to avoid a toddler cataclysm of epic proportions today if possible.

I grab two books and a reading light and make my way to the bed alongside the tot. I have been looking forward to continuing this book I've been reading for, what feels like, a year. Every person in my circle keeps advising me to delve into Power of Now as it would really help me gain back some sanity. I also brought Chakra Healing which has great meditation techniques. I like that there are crystal recommendations within the book. I’ve also realized that these meditation techniques could better help me find my chi and keep me from losing my shit in moments of terrible toddler tantrums of sorts. Especially as my little guy is approaching his 2-year-old milestone. I must remain diligent, I must prepare my mind, body, and spirit. Makes me sound like I'm reciting a line from the Karate Kid movie. As if I'm preparing for the ultimate fight. A fight like no other. All I remember was Mr. Miyagi saying:

"Walk left, safe.

"Walk right, safe.

Walk in the middle, you get squished like a grape

I have a toddler for goodness sake, I'm always walking in the middle.

I read for about 10 minutes. Uh Oh. I just grazed his little leg. I knew at that moment it was over for me. With the same intensity as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

"Big Mistake. Big. Huge.

This baby rolls over.

Opens one eye.

Grabs my books.

Tosses them off the side of the bed. (One by One)

Lays back down.

Drifts back to sleep.

I really didn’t know how to feel about that. I was offended yet very impressed because I wasn’t even sure he was even awake. Well, that was my cue. I figured I could at least take this time to change his diaper while he is in a deep slumber. I then cozy up and take advantage of this quick 2-hour nap I'd be receiving.

The baby alarm is blaring. He has awakened, the fearless leader of the baby world, as he thinks. He will stop at nothing to wake mommy up and drag her ass out of bed.

I say to him, mommy just needs two more minutes, which translates to, you go play and come back around to get me, not stand here, stare and wait. He doesn’t even have a solid perception of time so I wonder how long he will wait. I do, however, commend him for his patience as toddlers don't seem to have much of that these days, everything is a sense of urgency. He’s like a little New Yorker rushing to go nowhere. I Spent almost a decade in New York. Could it be possible I passed that energy down to him? I think back to all the times my husband has had to remind me to get off people’s asses. I can’t help myself when people walk like sloths in front of me. I always have a need to try to squeeze past them. I have to explain that it's a New York way of life, it’s less to do with impatience and more to do with the need to exercise the vexation I have for scenarios when three people walk sluggishly in front of me side-by-side taking up a whole sidewalk or aisle. That is justified in my book. So, yes, maybe he will politely ask the kid at the playground who takes their time to step aside as mommy does. However, he is the most patient little guy when it comes to mommy getting a quick snooze. Or so I thought.

As I try to get my two-minute snooze in, I'm utterly distracted for obvious reasons. I have a tot looming over me and staring into my soul. Just waiting, very eerily at that. The sun should be coming in at this point but all I see is a baby-shaped overcast. Personal boundaries are null when it comes to mommies. They simply don’t exist. This is not an agree to disagree scenario. If you don’t agree then you don’t spend time with your kids. Now I am curious to know what Merriam Webster has to say, just for shits and giggles at this point. As their last definition was an utter disappointment.

_______________________

Bound·ary

something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

_______________________

They forgot to add in parentheses (unless it's your child). Social distancing will never be implemented with your kids unless it's on their terms. Enjoy the snuggles and hugs now because soon you will be met with a stiff hand, an arm block, a fake away, a shoulder shrug or the like. Hugs and kisses won't be as easy to obtain. This is when the true sour patch kid in them emerges.

Now he is nose to nose with me, taunting me. He then begins chanting in a slight whisper shoes and socks

shoes and socks

trees, oust, cars, trees.

He made certain he got his point across this time. He is prying at my eyelids trying to open them. I say to him, "I’m awake, why don't you go play on the floor with your toys?" He spins out of bed, dashes to the door, places his hand on the door knob, looks back at me and grunts at me like a Gorilla. If he could, he would say, Mom get your ass up so I can put on my shoes and socks and go outside with the cars and trees. I wish you could see the look of fear planted on my face as he has his hand on the knob. I try my hardest to remain stoic, for if I display an expression that makes him believe he's gotten a rise out of me I will have lost the battle before it has even begun. Poker face is a must with these Tots. Heck, poker voice too because your tonality in how you say No, will surely entice them to go one way or another. You have to use reverse psychology. If you say Nooo with an alarmed expression and a high-pitched voice you have lost, they will most definitely go for it. If you say No, don’t do that. You know what, I don't care you're going to hurt yourself, get an owee and come crying to mommy, so if that is how you want to start your day, do what you must. They may actually process this and you may just have a chance. I call this my Check-Mate approach to toddlerhood.

All I know is once that knob turns, I have no choice but to get up. I try to negotiate some fun room time so he can play with his toys and read his books. This will afford me the opportunity to lay on the foot of the bed, and maybe just doze in and out, just enough to rest yet still be responsible enough to see what he’s doing. I’m proud of the work we put in to make the room as child-friendly as possible. This would allow me to guiltlessly take a nap while my child plays in close proximity. Request denied by way of a toddler. I explain, "mommy is tired and my tummy hurts, I have an oweee. Can I have a few more minutes? He ponders for a second, I'm nervous as I feel like I've given my final closing statement and waiting on the verdict. Long silence. Request Granted. He grabs my heating pad on the corner of the bed, brings it over and places it on my tummy, and then turns it upside down to make sure it's the right way. He then wiggles off the bed to play. My heart melted into tiny little pieces. My little human can understand and communicate to this degree and shows empathy towards my needs. I'm raising such an amazing little spirit. I doze back off with a smile.

A minute later, I am jolted awake by a loud roar. There's literally a lion and a giraffe on my face, he’s having an animal showdown. I say, Good Morning little guy, can you do mommy a favor and play with your animals anywhere other than mommy's face being that there is ample space everywhere?

He responds with a loud, monstrous roar in my ear. This goes on for several minutes as his animals have a battle royal a fraction of an inch from my eyeball. I'm nervous as all hell as the match between this giraffe and lion is becoming intense. My child has seen several lion and giraffe fights thanks to Nat Geo. Needless to say, he is very much in character.

Boredom eventually sets in. He tosses the animals aside, takes all the toys out of his bin and throws them on the floor. His eyes are scanning around as if he is looking for something enticing enough to pique his interest. He finds nothing but realizes he’s parched and kamikazes onto the bed in one swift ninja-like motion. With this sudden sense of urgency, it could only mean one thing. Milk. He lets out another gorilla-like grunt because I am not milk accessible. He is not very fond of me laying on my stomach blocking his access route. He proceeds to roll me over like a log. I sleepily just give in and pull both of the taps out and let him do what he must. I still take the opportunity to close my eyes for a few more minutes.

A few minutes later he’s face to face with me, yet again, trying to pull my eyelashes off my face. And let me tell you if you don’t already know about their pincer grasp. These littles will find a needle in a haystack in 0.2 seconds. These children will bring you a little grain of rice or pepper that's invisible to the human eye. I just wish I had him every time I lost an earring or earring back. He would 100% find it.

I swipe his hand away and turn my head to the side. He turns my head back in an attempt to overpower me. He then proceeds to try to hold me down. I sort of picture that scene from the original Child's Play where the Chuckie Doll is standing over a human that is 4x its size and weight. Yet he manages to hold them down. I was so infuriated watching those movies because I never understood how they couldn’t wiggle away from the little baby-size fingers. I used to think, how is this possible, but I now know why. Chuckie had a baby-like strength and babies are strong. Toddlers are even stronger. I bet you won’t dare challenge a tot to a monkey bars challenge. The average adult person in moderate shape won’t make it