Journal of Dysfunction, Denial, and Discovery: The Reluctant Lesbian

By Elizebeth Harding

This book is the story of seeking acceptance in a 1970–1980s alternative lifestyle world while suffering from an undiagnosed bipolar condition. Told through journaling over six years, the story focuses on a victim in a loving yet frustrating and sometimes abusive relationship with another woman, and finally as a graduate student seeking su

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stratton Press
• Release date: Nov 27, 2019
• ISBN: 9781643458298

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Elizebeth Harding

JOURNAL OF DYSFUNCTION, DENIAL, AND DISCOVERY

Copyright © 2019 Elizebeth Harding

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Stratton Press Publishing

831 N Tatnall Street Suite M #188,

Wilmington, DE 19801

www.stratton-press.com

1-888-323-7009

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in the work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

ISBN (Paperback): 978-1-64345-828-1

ISBN (Ebook): 978-1-64345-829-8

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Cast of Characters

Story Start

November 3, 1979

February 1980

Later February 1980

March 8, 1980

March 16, 1980

March 30, 1980

March 31, 1980

April 27, 1980

Later

May 4, 1980

August 1980

September 1980

October 16, 1980

October 18, 1980

November 23, 1980

November 25, 1980

December 17, 1980

January 18, 1981

January 20, 1981

March 20, 1981

May 4, 1981

May 17, 1981

May 21, 1981

May 25, 1981

August 19–20, 1981

August 21, 1981

August 22, 1981

Later August 22, 1981

Even Later August 22, 1981

August 23, 1981

Later August 23, 1981

Even Later, August 23, 1981

August 24, 1981

August 25, 1981

August 26, 1981

August 27, 1981

August 29, 1981

August 30, 1981

August 30, 1981 6:30 p.m.

August 31, 1981

September 1, 1981

Later September 1, 1981

September 2, 1981

September 3, 1981

September 4, 1981

September 5, 1981

September 8, 1981

September 12, 1981

November 2, 1981

November 30, 1981

January 16, 1982

January 18, 1982

January 19, 1982

January 25, 1982

January 28, 1982

February 1, 1982

February 9, 1982

February 14, 1982

February 19, 1982 3:15 a.m.

February 21, 1982

February 22, 1982

February 23, 1982

February 27, 1982 1:30 a.m.

February 27, 1982 9:00 a.m.

11:30 p.m.

March 2, 1982

March 3, 1982

March 4, 1982 7:30 a.m.

March 8, 1982 2:30 a.m.

March 8, 1982 Later

March 8, 1982 Even Later

March 9, 1982

March 11, 1982

March 16, 1982

March 20, 1982

Later March 20

March 21, 1982

March 21, 1982 9:40 p.m.

March 22, 1982 7:30 a.m.

March 24, 1982

March 25, 1982 4:00 a.m.

March 31, 1982

April 3, 1982 6:30 a.m.

April 28, 1982

May 2, 1982

May 3, 1982

May 4, 1982

May 5, 1982

May 6, 1982

May 7, 1982

May 10, 1982

May 11, 1982

May 17, 1982

May 18, 1982

Later

May 22, 1982

May 23, 1982

May 24, 1982

May 29, 1982

June 2, 1982

June 12, 1982

June 14, 1982

June 15, 1983

June 21, 1982

June 22, 1982

June 23, 1982

June 26, 1982

June 27, 1982

June 28, 1982

June 29, 1982

June 30, 1982

July 1, 1982

July 14, 1982

August 22, 1982

October 15, 1982

October 21, 1982

November 1, 1982

November 2, 1982

November 4, 1982

November 5, 1982

November 6, 1982

November 11, 1982

November 17, 1982

November 29, 1982

January 9, 1983

February 2, 1983

April 16, 1983

June 22, 1983

June 23, 1983

September 1983

October 18, 1983

October 1983

November 1983

December 1983

February 12, 1984

May 26, 1984

May 30, 1984

June 5, 1984

April 4, 1985

April 30, 1985

May 3, 1985

May 4, 1985

May 5, 1985

May 19, 1985

May 20, 1985

May 21, 1985

May 22, 1985

May 23, 1985

June 20, 1985

Epilogue

Cast of Characters

Story Start

I am a huge women’s collegiate basketball fan. I absolutely love to watch as the season progresses and have been known to have a game on the TV, another on the computer, and a third on the iPad. If I can be there in person, it is even better, and I have traveled to several Final Four tournaments, regionals, and first-round NCAA games. I am in love with Pat Summitt and all she stood for in women’s basketball. I have personally met many legends of the coaching game: Vivian Stringer, Cathy Rush, Marianne Stanley, Lucille Kavallas, Rene Portland, Tara VanderVeer, Muffet McGraw, and, yes, even Pat Summitt. I have talked with Tyler Summitt both as a young son of Pat and as a coach at Louisiana Tech. It may seem surprising that I have this love of women’s basketball since, in my first and only year of coaching high school girls’ basketball, we lost our first game 54–1. Yes. 54–1. I will never forget Greta Dylan, my high scorer for the game. I did improve as nine years later I coached fifth grade girls’ basketball, and we ended the season 3–0. But seriously, my love for the game came from working and being with one of the most fantastic coaches and teachers I have ever known, at that time the love of my life and the center of my world. Her name was Andie. It was a thirty-six-year relationship of love and abuse.

Each season my love for the game grows stronger, and I become an addict, feasting on game after game and wondering often if women’s basketball is offering her the same pleasure as it once did, now that she is bedridden at eighty-five and leading what I would presume is a sad existence. We no longer are in communication with each other because after thirty-seven years of ups and downs, I decided that I could no longer handle the emotional abuse I had endured for years.

In 2013, on a trip south with her, I was so upset that I had my medications lined up and ready to swallow. I made some phone calls and gained the strength to put the drugs away and to cope with the last few days that I would have to endure on the trip. At age sixty-three, I finally decided enough was enough, and I withdrew myself from contact with the exception of sending birthday and Christmas cards. I am not sure why I even do that anymore.

I knew throughout the relationship that I was in serious need of psychological help, but social stigmas kept me away until I sought therapy while attending graduate school for my doctorate in the 1980s. From there I continued it as I moved into a new state and a new job. Now having retired, I am with a new psychiatrist who has finally hit the nail on the head for me: bipolar disorder. And although I do not have the euphoric highs, the lows are so low that I qualify for such a label. The doc has found the right kind of medication, and I am able to now be content with myself and my lifestyle, and I can look back to those years that were so joyful/painful with objectivity. It is truly a miracle that I am alive and functioning in this world.

Thus I begin to tell my story of seeking acceptance in a 1970–1980s alternative lifestyle world while suffering from an undiagnosed bipolar condition. Told through my journaling over six years, I share my story as an elementary physical education teacher, a victim in a loving yet frustrating and sometimes abusive relationship, and finally as a graduate student seeking success through academic accomplishment. I claw my way through a self like-hate relationship as I seek the love and approval of others and consider ending my life at many turns. It is a story that represents the worst six years of a life of depression and self-loathing. Whereas a retrospective would say to the outside world that I had all the wonderful opportunities that my life could afford, most did not see nor recognize the signs of the mental illness beneath. Notes interjected throughout the journal help you, dear reader, to follow the thought process by clarifying relationships and events.

Note: Beginning in the town of Burroughs, New York, Elizebeth is an elementary physical educator and lives alone in a small chalet with her dog, Tatum, and her cat, Tippy. She is very much in love with an older woman whom she met professionally three years prior, and the relationship is akin to an emotional roller coaster. The older woman has accepted her love and adoration and has returned it in kind. The love of her life lives with another woman, Jerri, who, she was told, is a housemate and not involved in a relationship. Elizebeth would later learn that was not true.

November 3, 1979

This is my journal where I write mostly when life drags me down. But I must try to talk in less definitive terms for, should it be found, it could be difficult for some. I am again prattling on and, I am sure, hardly making any sense to anyone but myself. For someday someone will read these writings and think of what an odd sort of person I am—I assure you, dear reader (whoever you may be), I am truly an odd sort of person and will most definitely continue in that vein as I continue to grow. So read on, my friend…

February 1980

What a fantastic trip we had to Jamaica! Four of us stayed at the beachside hotel, which was an elegant experience, and even though I could not stay in a room with my true love, we spent hours beaching, playing tennis, and enjoying cocktails, elaborate meals, and entertainment of steel bands. The weather was fantastic, and the tours we took were informative and beautiful. This would be an experience that could never be replicated; everyone was happy, and time stood still for us. Our choice was