Surviving You

By Ashley Spencer

Ever wonder what goes on in the mind of a sociopath? Emma Sawyer spent every moment of her high school and college years trying to figure it out.

In a small, rural town in Ohio, with nothing much to do, Emma was a regular teenage girl trying to fit in. Her life was normal until she met David, a conniving and deceitful boy who stole her heart. Though David seemed aloof and impersonal at times, Emma fell for his fiery charm. Through ups and downs in their relationship, Emma found herself falling irrevocably in love with David, despite his pathological lies and violent fits of rage. Little did she know, he was about to take her on a seven-year journey that would change her life forever.

The memoir follows their love story through a series of relentless events. Providing introspection as an older Emma throughout, the author reflects on the memories and red flags of the abusive relationship. This book aims to help women who have experienced sexual abuse and manipulation realize they are not alone, shed light on the difficulties of domestic violence, and put a spotlight on the injustice of the courts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 6, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543936230

Book preview

Chapter 1

Hello, Love

Everything about our relationship had intensity. His warmth, his kiss, his words. During class breaks, we made out in corners, his hot breath on the nape of my neck and his strong hands clasped against me. His long, brown hair resembled Kurt Cobain’s and running my fingers through it became my favorite hobby. The way he looked at me, I couldn’t resist. My teenage hormones were raging, and this seductive boy had my heart.

We spent spare time passing notes in study hall and writing letters to each other in class. He loved the chase, and oh, did I make him work for it. I told him I wouldn’t date him until he knew me better. He asked me to write down a list of questions I had about him. Not taking him seriously at all, I went to MySpace—which at the time had dozens of random questionnaires.

I wrote down some questions from the internet and came up with a few of my own. I gave the list to him the next day, and he answered every single one in-depth. At the end he wrote, I have now filled out one application for the position of Emma Sawyer’s boyfriend. The time and effort he put in surprised me, making me want him even more.

We started taking our open lunch together. Half the time, I would go with his friends to Foodland and get something to go from the deli. The rest of the time, we invaded the Dollar General for snacks. He loved Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies. They were his favorite. We’d raid the store for candy, chips, and snacks — and he was notorious for stocking every locker, car, and backpack he owned with Mountain Dew.

It was the winter of my freshman year in 2007, and I was already feeling older than fifteen. One day David and I went to lunch with his friends. As they scoured for snack food, he found a fake rose and, placing it in his mouth, danced the tango with an invisible partner. I giggled as I turned away, rushing to get my snack as well. He pursued me, rose still in his mouth. Emma…, he gently whispered.

I rolled my eyes and turned around. He pressed up against me, the flower gently extended between us. Looking into his eyes, I felt connected to him as he held me close.

I’m going to kiss you now, he said. All my muscles weakened as he wrapped his arms around me and placed his lips on mine. It was feverish and sexy, even though the setting was less than romantic.

We spent our days sneaking around the school. My mother was the ninth grade English teacher, and she did not approve of David. My parents didn’t like that he was older, and he had a bad reputation with my mother’s colleagues. He was always getting in trouble for skipping class or turning in his work late. Plus, he smoked. That wasn’t a way to win over any parent.

I didn’t care about that stuff. All I cared about was the way he made me feel. Sometimes we’d sneak away from our friends at lunch, making out in secluded alleyways. Sometimes we’d even bring our lunches and take his car to a vacant parking lot less than a mile away from the high school, where we’d share our food, talk about any current drama with our friends, and cuddle.

I want to spend every moment of every day like this, he whispered in my ear, arms draped around me. Sitting in his car with the seats reclined, my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat, I couldn’t agree more.

Your heartbeat is my favorite soundtrack, I sneered.

He rolled his eyes and said, Oh, shut up, smartass.

I liked to be snarky with him. He was always teasing me about everything.

His hand glided up my abdomen, underneath my shirt, reaching toward my bra. I grabbed his hand and pushed it down.

Honey, I’m really not comfortable with that just yet.

Okay…I mean, we can wait and all. There’s no rush.

You’re okay with that?

I mean, I’m not ecstatic about it…but yeah, I’ll wait for you to be ready. The look on his face said something else entirely.

You’re an amazing guy, you know that? I looked into his eyes, propping myself up.

Positive reinforcement? Remembering this moment as an older Emma, I can see how he was priming me. These little nuances would only get worse throughout the years. The menacing looks. Saying one thing and meaning another.

I know… he snickered.

His cold hands reached up to my armpits and he started to tickle me. I screeched. Oh my god, stop.

I hated being tickled, but I loved how he teased me.

What’s the magic word?

What? I shrieked, still feeling giddy while his hands tickled me all over.

The magic word.

You didn’t tell me one! I gasped for air between laughs.

Oh… He fell silent and suddenly stopped.

What? What’s wrong? I said through a staggered giggle.

Nothing…nothing…it’s just something I used to do with someone else. Sorry, I got caught up and…well, that’s obviously not you.

An awkward silence crept over us.

Oh…okay. I finally got out.

It was like a switch flipped in his brain. He was suddenly so serious.

We better go. It’s getting close to the end of lunch.

I wasn’t sure what to think. Was he pretending I was someone else?

He started the car and sped toward the high school.

A few weeks later, I went to Amber’s for a sleepover. We got all dressed up to walk downtown for dinner. She lived close to Lorobi’s, the local pizza shop in Gallipolis, and for once her mom let us have some freedom to go alone.

Amber had transferred to a new school at the beginning of freshman year, and we rarely got time to hang out. We were catching up on each other’s stories about new friends and boys, sharing headphones to a CD player that was blaring Hinder as we walked.

She was dating this new guy Justin, and I was filling her in on my feelings for David. She seemed to really like this new guy, and had no qualms with me dating her ex. When I asked her about making it exclusive, all she had to say was, I dated him for what, a hot minute? Emma, c’mon. I barely know the guy. Just because we kissed a couple times doesn’t mean I claimed him. We never even fooled around.

Lorobi’s became a teen hangout around 7 p.m., despite the owner’s vigilant attempts to keep the loud and rambunctious energy out of his small dining room. We got our food and joined the group of kids already eating in the booths.

We were still new to high school and didn’t know many of them, but I recognized a few faces. Amber was completely lost after moving to a new school. It wasn’t long before we saw more familiar faces. A few of our friends we knew from junior high trickled in, and to my surprise, David was right behind them.

He walked up to our table. Thought you might be here, he said to me, smirking.

I shot him a confused look. Oh, yeah? Is that why you’re here?

Nah, I was just in the area. Thought I’d stop in and see what was going on before heading home. What are you two up to tonight? He shot Amber his sparkly eyes. I barely noticed.

Bad sign, Emma. Bad sign. Looking back, I can see all the red flags so clearly.

Not much. Just hanging out, Amber said. I think I see my friend Callie. Why don’t I let you two chat.

She scooted out of the booth and left David to talk to me. He slid into the booth next to me and put his arm around me.

I missed you.

What do you mean, I just saw you, I replied, rolling my eyes.

Well, it’s been a few hours… He winked at me, moving closer.

He’s so full of himself. Sometimes I wish I had an older Emma on my shoulder back then to help me identify the warning signs, but now I’m just playing narrator.

He leaned in to kiss me, his lips gently grazing against mine.

So, are you staying at Amber’s tonight?

Yep. Girls’ night.

Oh…so I’m intruding.

No, I mean, we came out, so… I trailed off.

Well, why don’t you call me later? I’ve gotta jet soon, but I want to hear your voice before I go to bed. My body felt clammy. He was making me nervous, but in a good way.

Okay, I can do that.

He turned to leave, and I joined Amber and Callie at another booth, my mind still stuck on that kiss.

Later that night, back at Amber’s, we each called our boyfriends from the bunk beds in her room. She stayed on the phone with Justin for about two hours, but I tied up their cordless landline with David all night.

We talked about our dreams, the future, and where we wanted to be in ten years. We dreamt about traveling to exotic places together and someday starting a family.

I want to say something, and I hope this isn’t too soon for you, but we’ve been dating a few months now, and I feel so comfortable with you, he started.

Okay, what is it? I asked.

I’ve never really felt like this before. I think I’m falling in love with you.

I nearly fell out of the top bunk. I didn’t think he felt the same way I did. I was so infatuated with him, but I’d heard so many rumors about him cheating on other girls. I never thought he’d be serious about me. I was trying to keep my heart distant, but it was so difficult with him. He was saying everything I wanted to hear.

He’s gaslighting you, sweetheart. I later realized that David was mimicking me. While I thought I was hiding my feelings well, he knew. He exhibits all the traits of a sociopath. One of the symptoms is inability to feel emotions like everyone else, which explains the mimicking. Whether he did this because he wanted to feel this way or because he wanted me to believe he felt this way, I may never know.

I love you, too, I replied.

I honestly think I could spend the rest of my life with you. The softness in his voice unraveled all of my inhibitions. You’re beautiful, funny, witty. You’re perfect for me, he continued.

I’ve never felt as comfortable with anyone as I feel when I’m around you, I replied. I was opening up to him. I felt the tension build as I waited for his reply.

Me either, baby. The words lingered in the air, light on his tongue.

I loved it when he called me baby.

It was spring 2007, and I was in love. I tried to share my relationship with my parents, but they were not supportive. We had so many fights about him, but ultimately, I wouldn’t give him up.

Even when they threatened to transfer me to another school, I was adamant about staying with David. His love meant everything to me, and at that point in my life nothing else mattered.

When I told David about the fights with my parents, he was discouraged. I’ve never even met them, he said hastily. I never had your mom for class or anything. I don’t know. I don’t get it. I just really wanted them to like me, he insisted.

I did too, honey.

So, what do we do now? he asked.

Well, I guess if we want to stay together, we’ll have to ‘break up.’

You mean, like, sneak around? he looked at me quizzically.

It could be sexy, right? I was trying to entice him.

I couldn’t lose him. I felt like he was my home. Being an only child had its challenges. I never felt like I could really relate to my family, though hanging out with adults made me more mature. David had this calmness about him, and the more we shared, the more I felt like he was my safe house.

Yeah, I guess, He paused. It is exciting since your mom is around the school all the time.

Of course, he’d like that idea, Emma. He’s not going to turn you down. Especially when a fake breakup could open the doors to other girls on the side.

Toward the end of my freshman year, I met new friends that would change the course of my high school career. Amber and I grew apart the more time we spent away from each other, and I needed friends that went to my school. Sadie Hawkins was coming up, and of course I knew who I wanted to ask. David was the only person I wanted to be around.

I knew Renee from 4-H Camp. She was in David’s class. So, even though we didn’t know each other well, I made plans to go with her. Renee was meeting up with a few other girls before the dance and asked me to join her. She promised I could meet David when we got to the school.

Renee picked me up at my parents’ house and took me over to her friend Abigail’s to get ready. We did each other’s makeup and took goofy photos in our country getup. The night was young, and we were rambunctious teenagers.

We headed to get food at a Mexican restaurant before going to the dance. I was having so much fun that I forgot to check my phone. David had been messaging me.

When we got to the dance, I immediately looked for him. Nowhere to be seen, I checked my phone to find three unread messages.

Hey, where are you? Sent at 5:03 p.m.

What’s going on? Why won’t you answer? Sent at 5:45 p.m.

Forget it. I’m not coming. Sent at 6:51 p.m.

A feeling of disappointment swept over me. He’s really not coming? Was he upset with me? I immediately ran to the restroom to find some quiet and dialed his number. The phone rang. No answer. Disheartened, I returned to my new friends.

When I told Renee, she reassured me he was fine. He was probably looking for an excuse not to come anyway. He’s not a big ‘dance’ kind of guy.

I looked at her confused. Really?

She rolled her eyes. Dude, yeah. He’s not really a girlfriend type of guy either, but you knew that.

Well, he’s dating me, so… I started to get defensive.

Yeah, just like he dates the rest of the school.

I felt my cheeks getting red.

He just said he loved me a couple weeks ago, I replied.

Oh, honey… I’m sorry, but I know for a fact he’s been seeing other people.

I was livid. Not at him, but with her. What are you talking about? David would never lie to me like that.

Look, don’t take it personally, Renee replied. He’s done this to everyone he dates.

I couldn’t even look at her. She didn’t know him like I did. She had to be lying. I stormed off, confused and angry. I thought about calling my parents to come get me, but I didn’t want to talk about why I wasn’t staying at Renee’s.

I confided in Abigail, and she listened to me vent. She invited me to stay at her place that night, and I gratefully accepted.

Look, don’t worry about Renee, she said. Friends fight. I’m sure you guys will make up. And I’m sure David isn’t upset with you. So, what? You didn’t answer your phone for a few hours. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t show. If I were you, I’d be so pissed off.

He probably thought I was blowing him off.

Hon, you’re going to be fine, Abigail replied. Let’s just go dance it off. I’ll introduce you to my friends.

That night, Abigail and I bonded. We had so many similar interests. We were obsessed with the same TV shows and listened to the same bands. We even had similar dating stories.

Since Amber transferred schools, I hadn’t been close with anyone but David. I was finally connecting with someone again. It was the beginning of a beautiful, lifelong friendship.

Chapter 2

The Cycle Begins

After Sadie Hawkins, David started acting distant. We fought about the texts. It was a Tuesday during lunch. Spring had sprung and the pink flowers on the trees by the school were starting to bloom. We were standing in the parking lot by his car.

When you didn’t answer, I thought you were with someone else, he accused.

Of course not. You know I only want to be with you, I replied.

Well obviously not enough to answer your goddamn phone, he shot back. The anger in his voice cut into me.

So, just because I didn’t answer my phone for two or three hours means I’m cheating on you? I was getting upset.

Well, it definitely means you don’t have time for me.

I don’t believe this. After all the rumors going around about you dating other people, you want to accuse me of that?

What rumors?

Renee told me you’ve been dating other people, I said softly. I didn’t believe her. We actually haven’t talked since.

Good. You know she’s just jealous. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in years.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it back then. This is so common. Sociopaths typically try to blame your friends and family for everything, instead of placing blame where it’s due. It isolates you from your loved ones and makes you believe the only truth is coming from them.

I fell silent.

Look, Emma. Your parents hate me. It’s almost the end of the school year. How are we going to see each other over the summer?

We’ll make it work. My friends drive. I’ll figure it out. I don’t want to lose you.

I’m not saying you’re losing me…I’m just saying maybe we should take a break. You’re questioning me, which means you don’t trust me. I think that’s a sign that we probably shouldn’t be dating.

He was so good at putting ideas in my head. He never said he wasn’t seeing anyone else. He only said I didn’t trust him and that my friends were jealous. There’s a reason for that. There was a reason for everything he did.

Wait, what? Are you breaking up with me? I couldn’t believe my ears.

I think it’s for the best.

As he got in his car and sped away, I felt a tear run down my cheek. How did that happen so quickly?

Summer was uneventful and boring. I spent time with Abigail and her friends and I even made amends with Renee. We spent our days riding around town or watching movies to avoid the heat. That summer brought the rejuvenation I needed to start fresh.

It was almost time for my sophomore year to begin. August was coming to a close when I got a message from David.

Hey stranger, the text read.

When I read his name on my phone, I could feel my pulse race as I processed what was happening. I waited a few minutes, a trick I learned from Renee, before responding. Act casual, I told myself.

Hey wassup? I replied.

Early 2000s slang. Good lord.

The response was quick. How was your summer?

I thought