A Little Girl Shattered

By rachael lee

A Little Girl Shattered is my true story from my childhood into adulthood. In 2016 if someone would have asked me if I would be writing my story for the world to read, my answer would have been no. This is my account of the difficulties I have faced throughout my life.

Between the ages of 6 to 9 years old I was groomed, sexually abused and raped. My cousin was brutally murdered when I was 8 years old, and my father was a gay man living with HIV in a small town of Owego, NY.
Between 2010 and 2011 I was in a domestic violence relationship and, I was raped in 2016. My whole world changed in a moment, a chance encounter. I was on the verge of a psychotic break after I was raped, and I felt like I had to face everything all alone. I never thought I would make it through what happened to me in 2016, or even be sharing my story.

My story is one of strength, courage, intensity, hope and my willingness to keep fighting. My story is also one of revenge, and I am getting my revenge the best way I know how by surviving, and telling my story. I am terrified to put my story out there but my hope is that it helps someone else.
After all isn't that what we are here for? To help, love and guide one another?
In April 2019, I was reminded by a special friend that I was not living up to my real potential.

• Language: English
• Publisher: rachael lee
• Release date: Nov 11, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393117940

Book preview

Dedication   

Chapter One:   

Chapter Two:   

Chapter Three:   

Chapter Four:   

Chapter Five:   

Chapter Six:   

Chapter Seven:   

Chapter Eight:   

Chapter Nine:   

Chapter Ten:   

About the Author:   

Dedication

This book is dedicated to:  

My family   

My cousin Dennis Hooker    

July 18, 1963 – April 13, 1984  

Joseph Begley 

Herb Buckley  

Tom Kelly  

Robert Edward Lee  

May 1, 1940 – January 28, 1991  

ii  

Thank you for purchasing my book. I hope that this book helps and inspires a lot of people who are hurting out there.   No child should suffer at the hand of a pedophile. When child is sexually abused it leaves scars that last a lifetime.

No woman should ever be beaten by a man.

No woman should ever be raped.

This needs to end!

www.childhelp.org/hotline

1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) The Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. All calls are confidential.

1-800-4-A-CHILD 24 Hours a Day Child Abuse National Hotline [phone]

National Sexual Assault Hotline [phone] [24/7 hotline] [hosts an online hotline] National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453 (TTY) Overseas Citizens Services 1-888-407-4747 1-202-501-4444 (from overseas)

www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault...

It’s made up of a network of independent sexual assault service providers, vetted by RAINN, who answer calls to a single, nationwide hotline number. Since it was first created in 1994, the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org ) has helped more than 3 million people affected by sexual violence.

  National Hotlines and Helpful Links

victimsofcrime.org/help-for-crime-victims/...

National Sexual Assault Hotline [phone] [24/7 hotline] [hosts an online hotline] National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453 (TTY) Overseas Citizens Services 1-888-407-4747 1-202-501-4444 (from overseas) Parents of Murdered Children 1-888-818-7662. The Trevor Project – Crisis & Suicide Prevention Lifeline for LGBTQ Youth

  National Domestic Violence Hotline

www.thehotline.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline can help victims, survivors of domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233. Chat w/ an advocate on our website.

A Letter To Myself

Dear Rachael,

I wanted to write you this letter to tell you how much I love you. You are a good person with a gentle soul and I do not ever want you to forget that. You are loved and you can do whatever you put your mind to. You are not what those men who molested you as a child are. You are strong and courageous. You have overcome so much in your life and it has only made you a better person. Everything that has happened to you both good and bad has happened for a reason. You are smart, funny, sweet, you make mistakes. You are not perfect and you are somebody who has learned from her mistakes. You can help so many people out there you can make a difference. You were never alone, you never stopped loving. You have had two great loves in your life Bill and Sam and you can have another great love in your life. You need to set the fear aside and find love. So, what if your heart gets broken that is the way life is supposed to be sometimes. It is okay to let your guard down and tear down the walls you have surrounded yourself with. You can break free. You are a beautiful person on the inside and outside.   

You need to start taking more chances in your life. You have hope, you have faith and you have people who love you. I know you hurt but it is natural. I miss the fun-loving Rachael who made people laugh, who was goofy, lovable, free spirited and a great time to be around. I miss the Rachael who smiled all the time. Who was always nice to people despite saying she did not trust anyone. I know that she is in there somewhere. I can see her coming out more and more. I love the Rachael who did not care what other people thought and who was playful. I love the Rachael who does not back down and who stands up for what she believes in. I know that the past 3 years have been hard but it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I know you have been questioning your sanity and that is good.   

I want you to live each and every day like it is your last. I want the kind, generous Rachael back. Those men do not control you; they do not own you. They are nobodies who hurt you in the worst way imaginable. It is okay to let go; it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to talk to people about what happened to you. If they judge you or don’t believe you then fuck them! You have so many happy memories with your family, your friends and the stupid things you have done. Yes, you have sad memories but you do not have to think about those. They do not have to rule your life. Fear builds walls and you have so many walls up please Rachael tear down your walls. You have the power to do so you have more control than you know.   

You are a warrior you are a hero. You are special you have talents, people like you because you are genuine. I know that you have forgotten that you are pretty and you have a beautiful smile. I want you to remember that. I want you to remember that you are creative and unique there is nobody else like you. I want you to remember how confident you were, how self-reliant you used to be. How passionate you could be. You have so many strengths and so many weaknesses. You are not alone; you have angels watching over you. The demons are gone. I know you have suffered so much loss in your life but so has everyone else. There are people out there that can love and understand you. If you would only give them a chance. There are people who will not love and understand you but that will be their loss. I want the positive upbeat Rachael that I know and love to come back. You are an awesome person with so much to offer the world. Your nieces and nephews miss you; you brothers and sisters miss you. You need to start visiting them again. They will still love you once you tell them what happened. I am proud of the progress you have made its okay if you have a few setbacks as long as you keep trying that is all that matters. There is so much I want to say to you. So much you need to hear. I know that you are ready to face the truth. I know you do not want to hide anymore I know you want to be seen and heard. I love you so much no matter what.   

When you hike the Appalachian Trail, I want you to stand on top of the highest mountain top and scream with joy. I want you to experience the beauty, the wonder and the magic the wilderness has to offer it is a place that you can heal. It is a place where you can learn to trust again and trust in yourself. It is a place where you see that life goes on no matter how much you do not want it to. I know that it is something that you have dreamed of doing and you deserve to fulfill each and every one of your dreams.   

You have had so many experiences in your life with your father being gay and dying from AIDS. You losing your cousin when you were 8. The deaths of your niece and nephew I know that broke your heart they were just little innocent babies. Your first love dying from a drug overdose. Having your childhood stolen from you. Losing your grandparents. I know you’ve lost some good friends along the way. All of these things that have happened to you. Have happened to others as well and you are in a position where you can help others. You are no longer denying what happened to you and that is a huge step. You can influence people in a positive way because you care.   

Those men who hurt you that day cannot hurt you anymore it is over. The attack is over. You are better than them and much stronger than they can ever be. You have compassion they don’t, you love they don’t. They do not have the ability to feel, but you do. You have a huge heart. You are loved and there are people out there that need your love. I miss the girl who tried to help the people who may not have deserved it but you tried anyways. I miss the girl who wants to change the world. Who wants the world to be a better safer place. You can help make that happen. You can change somebody’s life in a positive way.   

You are so much; you are not a sexual object to be used. You deserve respect from men and those who refuse to respect you are not worth your time. Those who only try to get sex from you are not worth your time. Not all men are like them. Remember you had two great men in your life Sam and Bill. They both loved you so much and you loved them. They treated you with respect, love and like you were gold. They knew how precious and delicate you are.   

You are a force; your heart is still beating it is your life. You have made your heart stronger. You have made people’s lives richer. You are a great aunt and so cool to be around. You have empowered yourself. That is why I love you Rachael with everything you have endured you are still here. You are a strong ass bitch! The parts of you that are broken can be fixed I know you want to be fixed. You are on your way to a happy life full of joy, comfort, friends, family and so much devotion. Denny always used to tell you to let your joy scream against the pain. That meant so much to you. That you had it tattooed on your back with a dove. You knew what he meant by it. He never wanted you to let your pain get the best of you. He wanted your happiness to outshine any pain you had. He wanted you to laugh even though you were hurting deep down inside. He loved you so much he was your protector and your best friend. He will always be with you. Don’t give up on your happiness your story is important.   

Take your time and honor your journey other survivors out there will understand. You will be supported you will not be shamed. If you are shamed ignore it because you are better than that. Rachael you are more powerful beyond measure you have the ability to make real change. You can inspire others to be comfortable in their own skin. You almost forgot who you are. You are incredible and you are brilliant. Rachael life is a gift go out and be a lioness and roar as loud as you can. Don’t back down don’t lose sight of who you are don’t forget how amazing you are. You are a rock star. I know you did not tell anyone at first because you thought it was your fault you were plagued by all the what if’s. Rachael this is not your fault you can turn this tragedy into triumph that is how you beat them. This was your fate and God gave you this fate because he knew you could handle it. I know you were screaming at God but he does love you. This happened to you for a reason I know you want to know why. Rachael you may never get the answer.   

Rachael, I admire you. I know you feel ashamed because you gained weight because you felt like you never wanted to be seen again. Rachael you are still gorgeous big or small how you look does not matter what matters is what is on the inside. Rachael you are a miracle and you are a true friend. You are loyal to the core. Rachael you are not a bad person please remember that. Rachael it does not make you weak to cry in front of others, it makes you human. Rachael it is okay to laugh, smile and enjoy yourself you have earned it. It is okay to be scared it is not your fault. Rachael, I know you shut down you need to change that.   

Rachael your acts of courage may go unnoticed but you have taken a long journey and are recovering. Rachael you can heal others with your story and others can heal you with their stories. You are determined to keep living that is your purpose. You inspire me Rachael. I love your spirit. Rachael nobody will ever love you, like you can love you. You are a wonderful human being and you deserve the whole world. Rachael you are no longer a victim. You are a survivor, a warrior and a commando. I am writing you this letter because I never want you to forget how outstanding you truly are. You can forgive and that makes you a breathtaking human being. The fact that you forgave the men who raped you is the best