Exposing the Desirable Female

By Eric Mick

A comedians eccentric relationship memoir that guides single women through the modern dating world. Uses the specificity of stand-up comedy to find and fix female dating mishaps.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781483587899

Book preview

King

The best comedians are able to expose underlying truths overlooked by the audience, the ones who consistently live these realities. Eric Mick

Why do some single women do so well with men while others couldn’t bag a good guy with Gisele-ish looks and a sawed-off shotgun? Does it all boil down to attractiveness? If so, why do so many less attractive females supersede women far more attractive than they are? Maybe it all amounts to not caring? Every man and woman has tried this strategy of playing hard to get and experienced some degree of success throughout their lives. But why does this very common, age-old method of playing hard to get fail us as many times as it works for us?

The never-ending desire puzzle has so many pitfalls and faulty solutions it often results in a girl losing the man she is pursuing, or settling for Joe I watched twenty episodes of SportsCenter today but didn’t find time to cash my mom’s rent check Notalone.

So what female dating strategy results in landing the most fruitful men in society? There is no short answer to this enormous jigsaw puzzle, but Exposing the Desirable Female finally pieces the confusing conundrum together through stand-up comedy and a wide-open relationship memoir.

By compiling hundreds of stand-up bits about flawed female dating strategies, extensively researching what attracts desirable men, conducting social experiments where attraction behaviors are being covertly studied, sharing stories about fixing my female friends’ dating missteps, and by exposing tricks that attract men like dogs to a bone, this book will unlock a woman’s power to devour her prey.

However, this power does not come easy. If there were a simple solution to obtaining desirable men it would’ve already set the Internet aflame.

Okay, I have to stop this two-bit infomercial train before it rolls into Tony Robbin’s land. While what I have previously written is accurate pertaining to the content in my book, it should be noted that I have no real credibility as a relationship expert.

Like so many artistic ventures, the motivation for this book stems from heartbreak. I had just turned thirty years old when I found out the love of my life had been as faithful as a buzzed Sarah Palin in a black man’s hot tub. Although the sting hurt, this pain drove me to research and observe what girls do wrong in the dating world with an uncanny resilience. Suzie Rotolo gave Bob Dylan the motivation for his first successful album, Erica Albright gave Mark Zuckerberg the desire to create Facebook, and now Katherine Popularcunt was my muse for Exposing the Desirable Female. I’d rather have Dylan’s Freewheeling album to my credit, but hey, life rolls on…

At first, this pain sent me into a complete tailspin. I tried to compensate by drinking toxic amounts of alcohol and sleeping with even more toxic women. But after about six months of Lindsey Lohan tomfoolery, a weird light flickered on, and I was confronted with a life changing epiphany: I had been playing it safe my entire life. I went to a top college (Okay, UC Santa Barbara: it’s not Yale, but no one on the West Coast will dispute it’s the Harvard of Social Skills), I had a good job, had saved a good chunk of change, and had managed to forget about everything I was once passionate about in return for a stable paycheck.

I realized I needed to stop focusing on making money, and start focusing on those past passions. So I decided to take Steve Jobs’ advice and try to tap into my true intuition by connecting the dots looking backwards. When I revisited my past, a memory from the third grade kept resurfacing. I wrote a comedic book about our school’s staff members (suspect cafeteria workers, creepy janitors, bizarre teachers). I wrote it on a yellow legal pad in red ink, and when I finished each chapter I would pass it around for my classmates to read. Shockingly, instead of teasing me endlessly, my classmates thought it was hilarious and encouraged me to keep writing - with the exception of Big Tittie Magee, who didn’t appreciate our attention drifting from her huge third-grade bosom (attributed to flunking the second grade twice). After completing chapter seven, my book was put to rest when Mrs. Johnson caught one of my classmates exchanging the yellow pad during one of her lectures. She deemed my red-on-yellow masterpiece too vulgar for third graders, and gave me three weeks of detention so I could write about more tasteful subjects.

Unfortunately, I ended up writing about these tasteful subjects for most of my young adult life. From scripts for car commercials to newspaper articles highlighting the bike path speed limit, everything I wrote about had one common theme: I don’t give a shit about this subject.

But I remembered the feeling of making my third grade classmates laugh, and how good it felt. Then I realized I had been doing outlandish things my entire life to get laughs from people.

I decided to direct my focus on something I had loved my entire life: making people laugh. This led to me taking comedic writing and improv classes at Second City. These classes led me to stand-up comedy, which became my new inspiration, and gave me a passionate spark I hadn’t felt since I learned to surf when I was ten years old.

Since I had experienced quite a bit of financial success doing things I didn’t like, it allowed me the time to redirect my focus on things that truly inspired me. My life became consumed with comedic writing, stand-up comedy, and surfing: the three things my true magnetic force pointed to without the influence of the ultimate compass buster, money.

So why in the hell should you read my book, the byproduct of a weird mid-life crisis? Because I lived the research and witnessed the results. During the three-year period in which I wrote this book, I was enjoying quite a bit of success with the opposite sex. Now I can’t attribute all this success to my good looks or charming personality (yes, I know I sound like a douchebag, but bare with me). More than looks or charms, I credit my success to my newfound obsession with comedy. Instead of being on constant lookout for my soul mate, my focus was on writing and performing. When your focus is on what you were born to do, instead of on finding that perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, you will almost always score big in the dating game.

In the midst of my hot streak, I was living the life of a stereotypical bachelor in Venice Beach, California. This experience had a profound effect on my stand-up material. I noticed nearly three quarters of my stand-up act was derived from the imprudent things girls do while attempting to create a relationship.

After doing a stand-up bit about how ridiculous girls profiles are on Match.com at a local comedy club, one of my girl friends who was in the audience confided that she made half of the mistakes in my act. The next day I agreed to come over and take a look at her Match. com profile. To my surprise, half of my act was in her profile: Love to Laugh tagline, lots of dog photos, I like everything because I’m desperate information, the list kept going. I even found another punch line for my next performance in her profile.

After a teeth whitening with cupid’s toothpaste, I agreed to make an attempt at fixing my girlfriend Fellatio’s profile. I inserted information that would attract me if I were to view her profile and changed over half of her existing photos. After about three weeks I called Fellatio for another cleaning. As soon as I made my entrance, I was bombarded with thank yous for all the traffic Fellatio’s Match. com profile was getting. And what impressed her most wasn’t all the douchebags winking at her online; it was the quality men that finally started showing interest in her.

Then, while devouring a slightly above average banana split, Fellatio suggested I write a book on making girls more desirable. This is what gave me the idea for my new red-and-yellow masterpiece. I decided I was going to bridge the gap between my stand-up comedy and what girls do wrong while dating.

I had endless stories about girls doing ridiculous things while attempting to create relationships, and I had even more stand-up bits detailing these shortcomings. But what about the third element of this book? The how to create relationships with the most fruitful men in society, if you will.

Because I’m not a relationship expert, I can’t give you the conventional wisdom a shrink with a Ph.D in relationships can give you; however, there are four things that make my advice more effective than Patty I get dumped every week but you should still listen to me Ph.D.

Infomercial land here we come again…

First, the gatekeeper needs to be the right man for the job. Since I’m attempting to give women all the secrets to attain the most desirable males, the advice needs to come from these so-called desirable males. So what constitutes a desirable male for the purposes of this book? Simple: a guy who has attracted women throughout his life because he holds an abundance of positive attributes. Tall, handsome, funny, successful: two for four of these; whatever, girls have always been attracted to him and he doesn’t portray a pompous attitude.

This means I did not include Jerry I spend my paychecks at the clubs so I have to live with my parents Gigolo. I also left out the opinions of: guys who apply cologne before going to the gym, men who drive extremely expensive sports cars but rent shitty apartments, and anyone from New Jersey.

It should also be noted that no women played gatekeeper in this book because you don’t let the student teach the class. If I were writing a how to attract women relationship book, I’d get all my advice from attractive women who do well with men, not males who think they know everything about the opposite sex, but in reality they’re just good looking so they bat .500. But if you insist on reading same-sex relationship advice, here are a couple good reads to add to your collection: How to Control Your Anger by Amanda Bynes, Avoiding Addiction and Dependency by Lindsey Lohan, and The Grammar Police by George W. Bush.

Second, I was honest with my findings because I wasn’t trying to promote a business or validate a psychological theory. For example, I wrote a chapter about where to find the best men depending on your age. My findings did not represent the claims that many of the online dating sites are making. I’m not saying their research is incorrect, but I was in the middle of the Southern California dating scene, and something tells me their researchers were not.

Sensitive women be warned: I did not sugar coat the findings of my research for fear of losing readers. Chapter 7 is going to ruffle a few feathers, but at least the research and findings are real. Remember, if one of my jokes or my findings bothers you, it’s not the finding or joke that needs an adjustment - it’s your insecurity.

Third, because I can’t compete with the Ph.Ds and the self-help bullshiters with regards to credibility, I did a ton of research on what attracts desirable dudes. Although researching this was more painful than having New Jersey Governor Chris Christy jump on my penis like it was a trampoline, I knew it would be important because of the how to element in my book. From articles in The New Yorker to Census data, I researched it.

Forth, I took my stand-up skills and applied them to helping women be more desirable. In stand-up, the more authentic and specific you are, the funnier your set will be. That’s what makes my approach so intriguing: the realism of comedy expose truths that comforting self-helpers trip over, and that’s what this unconventional dating memoir is all about.

Do I think this book will solve all girls dating woes? No way in hell. Although I helped quite a few of my girlfriends find their significant others, most of the females I helped admitted the knowledge in my book was extremely effective, but for some reason reverted back to their self-sabotaging ways. Captain Obvious would say, Women don’t like taking advice from men no matter how right they are.

My hope is there’re a sizable amount of my readers out there who are close to giving up on finding a spouse because they’ve been dating schmuck after schmuck, and every time they find a guy with potential, they can’t quite hook him. Instead of giving up, they read my book, actually implement my strategies, and club to death the man who once flopped off the deck. Then they will finally be free to bombard their new husband with illogical travel plans and blame him for every mistake their child makes.

My favorite college literature professor Mr. Jervais used to preach writing about what you know best like a broken record. I still can’t believe I wrote a book about attracting men, but during this episode in my life I knew exactly how to find a woman’s dating mistake, make it funny, and fix it. And