The Best And The Rest Of Swales Of Laughter!

By PHIL SWALES

Jokesmith, wordplay aficionado and all-round bunny fugger Phil Swales has escaped from his cage to curate another comedy collection, compiled from the best gags from the first two Swales Of Laughter joke books and a whole new batch of mirth-birthers. You'll LAUGH! You'll GUFFAW! You'll SPLIT YOUR SIDES! How much funny business can YOU handle?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Nov 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9781794770560

Book preview

THE BEST AND THE REST OF SWALES OF LAUGHTER BY PHIL SWALES

© Copyright of Phil Swales, publishing rights Lulu Publishing 2021

ISBN 978-1-7947-7056-0

Phil Swales asserts his rights under the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of the fictional characters to real persons is purely coincidental and non-intentional.

Published in 2021 by Lulu Publishing

THE BEST AND THE REST OF SWALES OF LAUGHTER!

By

Phil Swales

FOREWORD

Hello.  My name is Phil.  I write jokes.  This is my joke book.  My third joke book.  Don’t bother looking for the first two, they no longer exist.  There’s a story there…

Many years ago, in the wild and heady pre-Covid era, I used to write jokes on Twitter, mainly for my own amusement but also for Likes and Retweets.

Sometime later, a follower of mine, an independent book publisher, K, asked me I would like to write a joke book or two. If so, he would publish them and sell them on Amazon.

After much mulling, signing of contracts, and lots of hard graft, my first joke book went on sale.  A short time later, so did my second one. Both sold in modest amounts – enough to keep me in Sherbet Dip Dabs, anyway.

Then one day, disaster!  Jeff Bezos, or one of his Amazon worker bees, had a beef with K over an issue with another author’s book.  Rather than handle it sensibly and remove said book from sale, Amazon decided to remove K’s entire catalogue of published books, including mine, in a heartbeat!

This annoyed me somewhat, but it devastated K. His entire business was wiped out in one fell swoop and his income stream was gone. 

That is the reason this book exists.  I have compiled my favourite jokes from both books, Swales Of Laughter and More Swales Of Laughter, and put them in this new publication, along with bucket loads of new jokes that I have written since the previous two were published.

Also, I think we all deserve a good laugh after the last couple of difficult years the whole world has had.  What better way then to dive into a bumper book of jokes?

I hope you enjoy this book.  If you do, tell ten people.  If you don’t, keep schtum. I have imaginary kids to feed.

Regards

Phil Swales

DEDICATIONS

This book is dedicated to the following people:

My wife, Yvette

My dog, Gizmo

My goldfish, Bob

Pope Gregory IX

The Tiller Girls

The starting line up of the England squad in the 1966 World Cup Final

Stanley Baxter

Grace Fields

The Grimethorpe Colliery Band

The Average White Band

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

And

Everybody I ever met, worked with, drank with, laughed with, cried with or punched.

A

A foal and its Monet have soon partied. - ancient Surrealist expression

A giant sweet just landed on me and now I'm feeling a bit under the Werther.

A pint? That's very nearly an armful! - Tony Hancock, during his first day working as a barman.

A proofreader’s work is never dun.

A square MC equals no E.

A ventriloquist once tried to kidnap the star of Pretty Woman but he got hell off Gere

According to Joni Mitchell, residents of Gran Canaria pay big yellow taxes.

According to The J. Geils Band, Maya Angelou is a centrefold.

According to The Moody Blues, white knights used to just stay home of an evening.

Achoo, Brute? - Julius Sneezer

Adam Ant was a crap butcher. He would always stand on the liver!

Agatha Christie's famous Belgian detective was originally called Hercule Poi. But that was before the rot set in

Ah, Bond, I've been expecting you. - me to my rental deposit at the end of my tenancy.

Al Capone bought all his clothes from a gangster's mall..

Alfie Boe's dad, Harry, is a sweet man.

All back to mine! - Margaret Thatcher, 1984

All Dennis Hopper required was peanut M&M's in his trailer. He had an easy rider.

All in all, it's just another kick of the ball. - Pink Floyd FC

All my senses have a finance department, except one. There's no Accounting for Taste.

All optimists have the same blood group: B positive.

Almost finished my project of making British Sixties bands out of crepe paper.