Permission to Parent: Returning to the Parenting Style of Our Parents and Grandparents

By Mia Anne Cauley

So many children, teens and their families are experiencing painful failures in their relationships as a result of following several generations of bad parenting advice. For far too long parents have tried to innovate and create a new, softer kinder way of parenting their children, only to find that they have created self absorbed, entitled, disrespectful children, who fail to launch into adulthood because they don’t have the grit and resilience to make it in the world today. Mia advocates a return to traditional teachings about parenting that we learned from our grandparents and parents, many of which are rooted in Biblical teachings. This is a culmination of her observations about what makes kids successful, and resilient, even in the face of overwhelming obstacles.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 5, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664216761

Mia Anne Cauley

Mia Anne Cauley was a classroom teacher for 15 years and mother of 3, rowdy boys. During her teaching career she worked with traditionally underserved students of poverty, first on the Tulalip Indian Reservation, and then with children of migrant workers in an agricultural area. As she fell in love with her students, their cultures and their families she began to notice some commonalities among the parenting styles of her students’ families, as well as her own upbringing on a farm in rural Washington State. Those experiences, coupled with her intense interest in what motivates kids to learn and succeed is what spurred her to write this book.

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in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

Scripture marked (KJV) taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

"Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture marked (NKJV) taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked CSB have been taken from the Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible® and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Scripture marked (MEV) taken from the Modern English Version. Copyright © 2014 by Military Bible Association. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the (NASB®) New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org

ISBN: 978-1-6642-1675-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-1677-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-1676-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020925393

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/05/2021

Dedicated to all my kids

Dear Lord, thank you so much for our ancestors, men and women of God, who went before us and left us a legacy of love and faithfulness. I specifically thank you for my parents Ed and Jane Cauley who passed these teachings on to me. I am so grateful for the strong women of faith who have been such shining examples; Grandma Bernice, Great Grandma Tillie, Sister Maria Compassionata, Aunt Karen, Aunt Beth and Aunt Barbara. I also thank you for the men in our family who served you and served their families, Grandpa Alvin and Grandpa Cauley, we love you and thank you for their hard work and sacrifice on our behalf. Because of their Faithfulness to you and faithfulness to one another we have been so blessed. I pray that we would continue in their path and be a blessing to our children, our grandchildren, and our great grandchildren. I commit to you that I will be a prayer warrior on behalf of our family and our children. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1 Let them do it!

Chapter 2 Teaching Kids to tell the truth

Chapter 3 Allow them to have the natural consequences of their actions

Chapter 4 Dependability

Chapter 5 Let them ride the bus!

Chapter 6 The Elephant in the Room

Chapter 7 Healthy Risks

Chapter 8 Sleep

Chapter 9 Quitting

Chapter 10 Plan for boys

Chapter 11 Plan for Girls (Helicopter Moms)

Chapter 12 Bullying

Chapter 13 Teach them to take responsibility for their actions

Chapter 14 Love life

Chapter 15 Manners

Chapter 16 Good Conversation Skills

Chapter 17 What I learned from picking rocks

Chapter 18 Because I said so

Chapter 19 Video games

Chapter 20 Put your relationship with your spouse first

Chapter 21 Divorce

Chapter 22 Sports

Chapter 23 Dance and Cheerleading

Chapter 24 Public Shaming AKA It takes a village (Old School)

Chapter 25 Drug and Alcohol Use

Chapter 26 The Teacher is always right

Chapter 27 Talk to your kids about race

Chapter 28 Help Kids Determine Their Values

Chapter 29 Developing authentic Self-esteem

Chapter 30 Teach your kids to have a growth mindset

Chapter 31 Be Direct

Chapter 32 Interdependent Parenting VS. Independent Parenting

Chapter 33 Teaching your child a new skill

Conclusion

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

Since the 1970s psychologists have been giving us research study after study that encourages us to move away from the parenting style of our parents and grandparents. The best psychology has asked us to adapt a more nurturing parenting style based on research and best practices. But perhaps we have taken their advice too far. Perhaps we have over nurtured our children to the point of incapacitating them. It is my experience that the children and youth of today are often ill behaved, disrespectful and out of control. Not only that, but they don’t have the grit required to make it on their own. Did you know that 30% of tweens (kids between the ages of 10-12) experience headaches and difficulty sleeping as a result of stress? Did you know that 25% of kids between the ages of 13-18 experience anxiety disorders? Did you know that 10% of children are diagnosed with depression before the age of 18?

I think it’s time to admit that maybe scientific research about child rearing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I think it is time to give ourselves permission to return to some of the old ways of parenting. It worked for our grandparents and our parents. We intuitively know, in many cases, that our children need us to be stricter and tougher than psychologists would have us believe. Why don’t we do it then? Because we are afraid of being labeled a bad parent. This book is written in an effort to give ourselves, all of us, permission to return to some of the strategies that worked for our grandparents. This comes after observing hundreds of students and their behavior in the classroom, after getting to know their parents and observing their parenting styles, and interviewing them to find out what methods their grandparents employed. I am offering up this book as a way to give all parents permission to return to some of the traditional ways of parenting, the instinctive ways of handling our children that worked for our grandparents and parents. This is not a how to book. I am certainly not a perfect parent. I started out using all of the parenting strategies recommended by psychologists. However, I ended up with two very out of control young boys who no one enjoyed being around. Once I threw out those parenting books and returned to my grandparent’s style of parenting, I had a lot more success. I am simply offering up my observations as a teacher and a parent. Use what seems helpful to you and leave the rest. It is not meant as an admonishment but rather a reminder of what things used to be like and an affirmation that you are not a bad parent for utilizing the strategies our grandma’s and grandpa’s used.

CHAPTER 1

Let them do it!

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Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when

he is old he will not depart from it. King James Version

What happened to self-reliance, persistence, and resilience? How can kids learn to pick themselves up and move on if their parents are always catching them before they fall? If you save your kid from all the pain of childhood, guess what. When they become adults, the pain will be bigger but they won’t have built up a tolerance to it. They won’t have learned how to deal with pain. This goes right along with the concept that you should not try to shield them from failure or from struggling. Struggling teaches kids to be resilient. If you try to save them from every little ounce of pain you are doing them a grave disservice. Learning to overcome obstacles, as a child, teaches you to overcome them as an adult. If you never learn this technique, you will give up when the first real obstacle arises as an adult. Do you want your children living in your basement at the age of thirty because college was just too hard, or the boss was just too unfair? If a part of you says yes, think again. You would, in a sense, be crippling your child just to keep them close to you. Not being able to overcome obstacles