Real Life Conversations: What Teenagers Want Parents to Know

By Kevin Kuczynski

Teenagers have strong opinions about life as they strive to live right side up in what can often be an upside down world. While adolescents live in an environment that can move too fast, even for them, their parents are left wondering what teens need from them in order to be more successful in life. Sadly, these real conversations about needs and wants rarely occur.
Within a thought-provoking presentation, high school counselor Kevin Kuczynski shares the results of thousands of interactions and conversations with teenagers that provide insight into what teenagers are really thinking and feeling, and often keep from their parents for fear of consequences for their honesty. Their heartfelt stories offer a glimpse into a variety of adolescent challenges that include family turmoil, divorce, feeling unloved, and how they see their parents as they struggle with homework, sexual choices, dating trials, the temptations of drugs or alcohol, and much more. While Kuczynski pulls back the curtain to reveal their obstacles, he includes personal commentary and introspective questions that encourage open communication from both sides to create healthier relationships.
Real Life Conversations is a reflective guide that brings awareness to the challenges of teenagers and how their parents’ choices impact them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Jan 13, 2021
• ISBN: 9781480896628

Kevin Kuczynski

Kevin Kuczynski is a high school counselor and life coach who has been working with teenagers and their parents for over twenty-five years. He brings a wealth of private-practice experience, specializing in adolescent, family, and marital therapy. He currently serves on the advisory board for a large private counseling center in Southeast Michigan. Kevin published his first book, Behind the Counselor’s Door in 2015, and he has also been published in the Student Assistance Journal, Counselor Magazine, and WebMD. He earned a bachelor’s degree from Cedarville University and a master’s degree from Liberty University. He lives in Macomb Township, Michigan, with his wife, Jennifer, their two children, Hannah and Ty, and their two dogs, Reesie and Bear. He can be reached at kevinkuczynski.com

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Copyright © 2021 Kevin Kuczynski.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Archway Publishing

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.archwaypublishing.com

844-669-3957

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Author photo credit: Melissa Zito Photography

ISBN: 978-1-4808-9661-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-9662-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020918585

Archway Publishing rev. date: 01/05/2021

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Part I: What Teenagers Want Parents to Know

1. We Will Make Bad Choices—It’s Part of Growing Up

Matt

Christina

Tara

2. Don’t Act Like You Know Everything All of the Time – We Are Both Learning

Emily

Abby

Aiden

3. Maybe You Dealt with Issues Like Me, But It Is So Different Today

Tyrone

Darren

Lacy

4. You May Not Think I Hear You, but I Am Listening

Sarah

Dan

Carlos

5. My Emotions Are Real Even When You Don’t Think So

Miranda

Melissa

Julia

6. You Don’t Care About Me, If You Don’t Tell Me

Emma

Ryan

Erika

7. Risk Taking Can Be Appealing

Bianca

Kiara

Brendan

Devon

8. Wanting Space is Not Necessarily a Bad Thing

Autumn

Josh

Payton

Part II: What Teenagers Want from Parents but Are Too Afraid to Tell You

9. I Need You

Tyler

Sophia

Lilly

10. Affirm My Efforts

Hailey

Noah

Nina

11. Model How You Think I Should Live

Jenna

Kyle

Thomas

12. Don’t Have Others Raise Me

Ava

Sebastian

Andrew

Chris

13. I Know I Need Rules Even If I Don’t Like Them

Alexis

Kali

Brandon

14. I Am Not at Fault for Your Choices

Tara

Kaitlyn

Trevor

15. Love Me

Gracie

Drew

Jillian

Part III: Parenting Strategies That Can Lead to Successful Teenagers

16. Talk to Other Parents

Amanda

17. Get to Know Your Teenager’s Friends

Savannah

18. Promote Personal Responsibility

Connor

19. Encourage Independence

Erin

20. Have Expectations

Christopher

21. Communicate Always

Jasmine

22. Enter Their World

Chelsea

Conclusion

Bibliography

Please be aware that the names of teenagers have been

changed and alterations have been made to the details

of their stories to protect their identities.

Dedication

To my own teenagers Hannah and Ty – Know that I am your greatest fan and your biggest cheerleader. I am so lucky to be your dad and feel blessed to call you my kids. You both are amazing people with incredible talents who can make a profound impact in this world for the better. Great things are to come for you both and I cannot wait to watch your successes be revealed. Love you both more than words can say!

– Dad

To my loving wife Jennifer – we share a love that people search forever to find, and I am so glad that I have it with you. Living life with you gets better every day and I would not want to do it with anyone else. Thank you for your endless support in this project. You are an amazing mother; thank you for parenting our kids together with me. Thank you for being a part of my world. I love you, our family, and the life that we have together!

– Kevin

Book Reviews from Experts

and People Just Like You

Having been in the trenches for decades as a high school counselor, Kevin Kuczynski knows teenage turmoil. Through heartbreaking and uplifting true stories, he gives parents the tools they need to understand their teenagers and forge an essential connection – a bond that will help reduce parent and teenage worries in a world that often moves too fast for both of them. His step-by-step guidance (where to tread lightly, when to pull back, and when to plunge in) is designed to build that bond and ease children through the difficult adolescent years. The whole family benefits when parents read Real Life Conversations.

Susan Newman, Ph.D., Social Psychologist and Author of The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It – and Stop People-Pleasing Forever

Real Life Conversations provides invaluable insight about youth and their private logic – how they view themselves, others, and the world around them. This book, through written stories from youth, helps us understand what matters most to them. Lessons learned about independence, relationships, social media, pregnancy, death, divorce, self-harm, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, academic pressure, reckless behavior, and decision-making are addressed through the eyes of teenagers. While today’s issues may be more complicated than those of the past, the reader will learn that what youth need from the caring adults in their lives to develop resilience and to thrive during adolescence and adulthood has not changed: curiosity, connection, love, and patience. This book is a must for any parent, caregiver, or practitioner who wants to learn how to positively impact youth today.

Dr. Caelan Soma PsycD, LMSW

Chief Clinical Officer at STARR

Advanced Certified Trauma Practitioner

Provided trauma support at Sandy Hook, and Hurricanes Katrina and Rita

Real Life Conversations: What Teenagers Want Parents to Know is an honest portrayal of the realities both parents and teenagers face in their relationship. This book takes a different approach to parenting; one that normalizes the challenges both parents and teens are experiencing and encourages pragmatic dialogues in the family system. Research has consistently highlighted the positive influence of parental communication on teenagers’ development. This literature is a tool given to parents to increase their confidence in starting these conversations with their teenagers.

Marissa Rizzo Nichols BA, MSW Candidate

age 23

Real Life Conversations: What Teenagers Want Parents to Know will open parents’ eyes to what their children struggle with on a daily basis. Even into my early twenties, I still fight some of the battles mentioned in this book. If my parents had read this book when I was in high school, we would have had a more open and trusting relationship.

Josephine Krzesak

age 22

As a former student of Mr. K’s, it continues to amaze me as to how he interacts with his students. As the mother of a 2 year old girl, reading this book has almost given me a heads up, mom type of view. I now will be able to look out for certain signs, expressions, and body languages when my daughter hits her teenage years. This book is real, eye opening, but also encouraging. I highly recommend this book to ALL parents, no matter the age of their kids, I promise you will love it!

Brittany Joseph

age 26

I wish my parents read this when I was younger. As teenagers we struggle identifying or understanding the emotions we are experiencing, and parents hardly ever know what’s going on with us. Kevin Kuczynski shares true stories to help parents recognize how important their role is during these specific years. This is a must read for anyone who is struggling guiding their teenagers into the real world. The teenage years are hard, but very crucial to adult development. A must read!

Kathleen Glidden

age 21

If my parents could have read this book during my teenage years, they may have better understood how difficult high school really can be. Teenagers have much more to deal with than just academic pressure. Teenagers are navigating how to be teenagers the same way parents are navigating how to be parents. I was always nervous to speak to my parents about my struggles or any mistakes that I made for fear of disappointing them, and I truly believe this book could have opened up a dialogue between us. It normalizes making mistakes and explains how to have conversations about these mistakes in a healthy and productive manner.

Sanela Kalakovic

age 23

Through an uncommonly seen perspective, Real Life Conversations: What Teenagers Want Parents to Know tackles a variety of challenges that accompany raising a teenager by integrating real-life experiences, thoughts, and actions of teenagers themselves. By combining his experience as both a high-school counselor and parent of teenagers, Kuczynski provides valuable insight and guidance for parents navigating through many areas of adolescent hardship — pregnancy, relationships, drugs, divorce, criminal activity, and more. This book is a must-read for any parent struggling to address concerns with their teen, as it will aid in forming effective and appropriate discussions that will lead to better decision-making for years to come.

Gina LaColla, BS, MS, PA-C

age 26

I wish that my parents could have read this book in order to better understand me and my life during my teenage years. In high school trying to overcome many tough obstacles such as; depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts seemed almost impossible. I wish my parents could have benefited from this and learned some ways to help me through these struggles, before things spiraled out of control. I believe all parents could take away something positive from this reading and possibly grow a much stronger and healthier relationship with their teenager. This book has truly inspired me and one I think everyone should read.

Taylor Malone

age 21

I believe all parents should purchase this book and approach it with an open mind. I also think it is important to remember that these are real-life situations that have happened so don’t think that it could not happen to you. Maturing into a young adult; if I had a piece of advice for parents or to my future self it would be to try and be as transparent as possible when raising teenagers. Know they are going to make mistakes and let them so they can learn and grow from them. I also believe it is important for a parent to create a safe space for teenagers to confide in you so they never feel alone – this book can be the catalyst that leads to those key conversations.

Jessica Restivo

age 22

As a mother to two teenage girls, an educator for over 20 years, and 20 years of sorority volunteering experience, you would think that I am no longer surprised by teenage behavior. If you want to invest in your teen’s life, invest your time and read this book. This is not a book to rush through, it is a parent workbook. Listen to the stories, reflect on each one and decide how you might take the next steps. Reading Kevin’s book confirmed something for me, we will never know exactly how to parent our children, but when we put forth the effort and try to understand what they feel and think, the rewards are endless.

Renée Trent Kraft

Parent to Claire(15) and Kate(13)

I really enjoyed the real-life teenager dialogue, I will definitely use these as conversation starters at family dinners (I actually started with my youngest in the car last night). The five critical questions gave me a new perspective of my own parenting style. As a mother of three young adults it taught me that I am never too old to grow as a parent as I need to listen more and talk less while being more honest and trustworthy.

Kelly Loring

Parent to Julia (22), Jack (20), and Jillian (16)

If you’ve chosen to read this book, chances are that you are in need of some guidance as you struggle through the murky waters of parenting teen(s). Kevin Kuczynski has consulted with experts on teen parenting, the teens themselves! In this book, teens offer candid accounts of the challenges they face today. Their unique perspective, along with Kuczynski’s professional commentary, offers parents and guardians a glimpse of how to best provide our teens with the unconditional love and support they crave, while fostering independence and resilience. In reading the real-life accounts told in the authentic voice of teens, I realized that while my efforts to be the perfect parent to my girls are well-intended, the most important thing I should be doing is listening with an open mind, encouraging dialogue, keeping the lines of communication open, and remaining authentic. Real Life Conversations is an invaluable resource for anyone raising a teenager.

Stefania Hutchins

Parent to Maddie (16) and Emma (13)

Acknowledgements

I find myself at a loss for words as I seek to extend a thank-you to those listed below who have poured over hundreds of pages of my writings. Books like this do not come about solely because of the efforts of the author; instead, it is also because of those who have invested countless hours offering insights and perspectives. I greatly value your thoughts and believe that together we have given teenagers a voice and provided a quality resource for parents to help raise them. A heartfelt thank-you for your involvement in this project – a result we can be proud of!

Robert U. Davidson

Arlene Hallberg

Kimberely Jeszke

Jennifer Kuczynski

Andrea McKay-Snow

Lina Ruvolo

Special Thanks

This book would not be possible without the efforts of my editor, Stefania Hutchins. I cannot express in words the thanks I have for your dedication to this project. Your professionalism shown in your attention to detail as you carefully reviewed every sentence, word, and punctuation mark all to improve the final product is amazing! I am indebted to you for your expertise. Thank you for making the finished product of this book something we both can celebrate!

Foreword

I was a typical parent just like you – until I was not. I dealt with demands at work and responsibilities at home all while being a parent to my children just like you. Rachel, one of my five children, was just a joy to be around. She was a social butterfly who showed a zeal for life. She always sought to lend a hand to someone struggling or befriend someone who was lonely. She did well in school, loved music, and loved her school organizations. I was indeed a very lucky dad. I was just trying to live life as a typical parent until everything changed on April 20, 1999. This was the day that a hole was opened in my heart that can never really heal. This was the day my daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, became the first victim of the massacre at Columbine High School.

I frequently recall in horror the events of that Tuesday morning. Twenty years have passed and still the pain runs deep to my core. On that beautiful spring morning Rachel was eating lunch outside of the high school on the lawn near the entrance with a friend when they were confronted by one of the perpetrators. Rachel was shot four times and left for dead. I wish I could erase from my memory the horror I feel for what she may have gone through. To this day I hate the fact that I could not rescue her when she needed me most. After all, a dad is supposed to be the hero on the white horse coming to save the day, but on this day, there would be no hero, as thirteen people would be killed and another twenty-four injured. I was torn, relieved that my son survived the massacre in the library where many students were killed, while grieving over the loss of Rachel. So many emotions, so many questions, but so few answers. In the aftermath of the tragedy I was no longer a typical parent; in fact, I was a dad to four children now instead of the five that I adored.

In the days, months, and years since the tragedy I have tried to come to grips with my loss. I do not have the opportunity to be a parent to Rachel. She was taken from me all too soon. There was no graduation ceremony to attend watching Rachel receive her diploma. There are no birthday parties to celebrate another year of her life. I will not walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day or be a grandpa to her kids.

Starting Rachel’s Challenge for me is so important and has been a source of healing. Rachel’s Challenge is an international nonprofit that promotes safe schools in a positive environment. It exists to end bullying and school violence and to help those dealing with suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Rachel’s Challenge allows me to be a voice for teenagers, by allowing me to communicate with them, filling a void where Rachel once was. It allows me to champion the beliefs that Rachel stood for and expressed through her essays, art, and journals. Rachel lived her life seeking out the best in people, helping those in need, and showing compassion and empathy to those who need a hand to get back on their feet again. Rachel believed that if you go out of your way to show compassion to others, then it will start a chain reaction of the same. As hard as it is to relive my daughter’s passing at countless events, I count it an honor to add to her legacy and the impact she still is having today. It is this message that is shared with teenagers in school presentations around the world that have now reached over 28 million people! Lives are being changed, not because of me, but because of Rachel and what she believed in.

I cannot be a parent to Rachel, but I can do my part to help teenagers and their families. Just as I do that through Rachel’s Challenge, Kevin does it as a high school counselor and through his book Real Life Conversations: What Teenagers Want Parents to Know. This book builds awareness about teenagers and how they see life, which is lacking today. This book allows parents to hear how teenagers feel and how life impacts them each day. Kevin writes, not from theory, but from experience. As a man who has spent many years as a high school counselor, Kevin has heard and seen it all. Kevin’s book is one every parent who has a teenager should read.

On behalf of myself, on behalf of Rachel, take every moment to be a parent to your children. Read this book, and be open to learning something new. Embrace change where necessary. Connect with your teenagers, and live life with them. Teenagers have so much they want you to know and you never know when that opportunity will be gone…just like it was for me with Rachel.

Darrell Scott

-father of Rachel Joy Scott

-founder of Rachel’s Challenge

-rachelschallenge.org

A few words from the author….

When authors write, they embark on projects that they are fully invested in, regardless if the piece is selected for publication. They are most likely experts in their fields, and believe their work contains a message that captivates and brings about change in the life of the reader. Many months, in some cases years, have been spent fine-tuning each word, paragraph, page, and chapter to ensure the intended message is clear and delivered with the right tone. This is done so the author feels a sense of satisfaction in delivering a quality book that when published positively impacts those who read it.

You see, it does not matter if the author believes his work is of quality. A book is only good if people deem it worthy to read and feel an impact from it, whether it be entertainment or a sense of motivation to better their lives.

An author’s book on the shelf at a bookstore is one of countless others, each trying to swoon the consumer into purchasing a copy. You seek out an aisle in a store that contains books pertaining to a subject that interests you. As you peruse shelf after shelf of new releases, you look for a cover and title that captures your interest then carefully read the back cover to determine if it is of interest to you, well-written, and worthy of your hard-earned dollars.

To my reader: Thank you for seeing the value in my writings and for spending your hard-earned dollars on my book. Most importantly, thank you for the concern and interest you take as a parent raising a teenager. Our society needs more of you, not because we are doing everything right in raising teenagers, but because we want to do it better. I am truly honored that you value my words and firmly believe that together through the voices of teenagers in this book you will gain much insight and direction to raise today’s teenagers more effectively. Enjoy!

– Kevin

Introduction

All of us can recall the birth of our children and the events that led up to it. We can remember the first time we held our newborn. We likely can recall how cute they were, the stress over delivery complications, or the relief that a child was delivered healthy. In that moment of joy we seldom considered the overwhelming sense of responsibility that was upon us.

These circumstances become etched in our memory. These events become the memories that we reflect on as the years go by. They shape a family and will over time become the new normal. At this time in a new parent’s life no one (unless complicated circumstances surround the birth of a child) contemplates the trials and tribulations that comes with a new addition to the family. Think back to the arrival of your children. Dwell upon them, each child individually – one at a time:

• What were the emotions running through your head?

• Were you scared, anxious, or nervous?

• Were you ready to be a parent for the first time or for a third time?

• Were you prepared emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually to raise a newborn?

• Did the birth of your children humble you?

• Did it change you? If so, how? Were you ready to be a parent?

• Were you feeling overwhelmed?

Parenting is one of the most unique roles one can take on in a lifetime. The role of a parent is permanent, with no expiration date, and it requires no license. How one becomes a parent, the age of the parent, and the circumstances surrounding the birth can drastically differ, but notice the child has no say in this process. They do not get to choose their parents. They have no say in the age of their mom or dad, when they are born, how financially stable they are, what type of neighborhood they will be raised in, or the maturity and preparedness of their parents. They accept the parents that are assigned to them at birth regardless of the quality or interest those parents take in raising them.

This is where our role becomes pivotal as parents. This is where we take center stage. This is where the spotlight shines down on us. Why? Because just as the child has little say in the parents, parents have no say in the circumstances that surround their children after they enter this world. Health concerns, medical issues, behavior problems, and learning difficulties are all challenges that parents face when our children are young, and as they grow older into their teenage years the challenges grow exponentially. From puberty to dating, driving to drugs, and so much more, the issues to deal with are endless and they can consume parents. If teenagers only came with instructions, navigating this road would be much easier, but no such guide exists because each teenager is so drastically different. It is important to note that raising a teenager is not all negative, as it includes many joyous moments full of happiness and celebration. But let’s be honest here: Parenting teenagers is challenging and sometimes overwhelming.

During my experience of working with teenagers and their parents for over twenty years, I have reflected on stories, jotted down notes, remembered key ideas, wrote down new insights, listened to thousands of teenagers, and observed the challenges countless parents faced raising teenagers. These interactions have taught me valuable lessons and have helped me parent my own teenagers more successfully. My experiences have burdened me to share key concepts about parenting teenagers with you. The culmination of those experiences is the book you hold in front of you. This book is not intended to be an all-inclusive parenting book on how to parent your teenager; instead, the book is written to be a reflective piece that brings awareness to what teenagers deal with and how the choices of parents impact them. While I share the heartfelt stories of teenagers and provide my professional insight regarding their circumstances from the perspective of a counselor, my commentary should be viewed as a response to the story and not as guidance on how to raise your personal teenager because each teenager and circumstance is different. After all, I don’t know your teenager like you do. You will likely take away countless nuggets of truth that you can integrate as you raise your teenager, but also notice the profound impact on the life of a teenager when a parent is absent.

The pulling back of the curtain to reveal the challenges faced by teenagers and the choices of parents in the book is not about pointing the finger at parents in an effort to announce their flaws. My intent is to provide parents the lens through which they are viewed by their teen, and to challenge them to make changes in their own lives that will improve the parent-teen relationship. It is this change on the part of parents that teenagers are asking for. Not one parent is perfect, nor do we all parent our teenagers in the same manner. If parenting teenagers were easy, no books would need to be written, no parenting classes would need to take place, and no parenting conferences would need to be held. Every parent has a breaking point, a short fuse, or simply the need to get away for some alone time. I have often told the students that I work with that they always should seek to learn from the choices of others, both good and bad. When this is done, teenagers gain wisdom and mature through the growing pains of others, without having to make the same mistakes themselves. Parenting is no different. We are all learning as we parent our teenage children. The most is gained when we go through these years with our teenagers – together.

This book is intended for parents who have teenagers now, as well as parents with children much younger. Parental roles are required at every stage, and it is critical to understand what to anticipate in the years to come. You will notice throughout the book that similar themes, like alcohol, drugs, sex, divorce, and family dysfunction, among others, are addressed multiple times. This is done intentionally to illustrate how these issues are interwoven through the lives of teenagers and