Healing Journey # 2: Breaking the Cycle of Physical Child Abuse

By Lupe Flores Valdez PhD

Domestic violence has a great impact on families. Research evidence suggests that domestic violence has significant and long term affects in families. In her first book she realized how much child abuse was embedded in her short stories. Therefore, her second book was written to further address the topic of child abuse.

This second book is not a tell all book written by the author; rather, she takes a closer look at how she disciplined her own children and how she learned better parenting skills. In this book, the author includes a chapter where she interviewed her own four children for a closer understanding of how she was able to break the cycle of child abuse from their perspectives while continuing her healing journey. These are keys that her own children benefited from as she learned and shared stories, activities, and information covering life coping skills needed for parents to raise children with love, patience, and compassion.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9781796093162

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Lupe Flores Valdez, Ph. D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 10/14/2020

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Disclosure

Introduction

Part 1. A Child’s Perspective on Abuse and Family

Chapter 1: I Was Physically Abused as a Child

Chapter 2: I Witnessed the Abuse of My Siblings

Chapter 3: Fear and Anxiety

Chapter 4: Mexican American Family

Part 2. My Adult Perspective and Restoration

Chapter 5: I Am the Parent

Chapter 6: Valuable Words from My Children

Chapter 7: Secure Attachments

Chapter 8: What Really Matters?

Notes

About the Author

Acknowledgments

I am deeply grateful to all those who have loved me through the pain and brokenness. My family has supported me in my own healing journey. Writing this book was not an easy task, and it has taken me many years to type my childhood accounts on paper because in doing so, I had to relive a part of my past I did not want to share, discuss, or revisit. In this healing process, I decided to involve my family and my children for their input and contributions. With all the knowledge I have gained, both personally and professionally, I was able to break the cycle of physical child abuse. In doing so, I knew that I had to share it with others who may be willing to learn from my experience.

I am especially thankful for my family. Their love for me has taught me how love can heal and how strong and necessary forgiveness can be. I am also indebted to those who have contributed to the completion of this project. Thank you to my husband, Jesse, and our four children: Dolfo, Abigail, Isaac, and Sierra. I would also like to acknowledge my two stepchildren. I am so proud of you and love you very much. To my grandchildren, may you all know the love I have for each of you and the inspiration you gave me in writing this book.

I want to thank my parents, Joaquin and Amparo Flores, for their input and contributions as they have humbled themselves throughout the writings of this book because it wasn’t easy for them. I will love, honor, and respect you both always. To my siblings and children for their willingness to share their perspectives as well. I know it took much trust in me for each of you to share our story! Thank you to Dolfo, Abigail, Isaac, and Sierra for your honesty, courage, and support. I love you all!

Disclosure

This book is not intended to provide medical or mental health advice or replace a treatment plan by your personal physician or mental health professional. Readers are advised to consult their own doctors or other qualified health professionals regarding the treatment of their own problems and issues. This project is for educational and informational purposes—a self-help book that is to be used in conjunction with their doctor or doctors.

Introduction

If you were physically abused as a child, I would like to encourage you to read this book. If you have read my first book, Healing Journey: Surviving Domestic Violence, you will know that I have experienced and witnessed domestic violence in my family. As I wrote my first book, I noticed a theme of child abuse and neglect, and I knew I would have to address it independently, but a lot of what we had to deal with bled into other problematic areas in our family, such as domestic violence, poverty, alcoholism, mental health issues, teenage pregnancies, and child abuse. All of these issues caused much stress and dysfunction to our Hispanic family. Therefore, after writing my first book, I decided to also mention the cultural aspect of my Mexican American family because there are specific characteristics among my family members that are grounded in historical information that separate us from other subgroups of Hispanics in the United States.

During my early childhood, physical abuse was something that I expected. My father physically abused us when we were children, believing it was his approach to discipline. It was his way of demanding our respect and controlling us in the process. Our mother was a battered woman who was unable to protect us from his anger and abuse; it was an unstable emotional roller coaster. I learned as a child that help would not come to me, and I survived my childhood, for the most part, by fending for myself. Our parents did not have proper teaching or adequate training in effectively parenting us. They didn’t understand the long-term psychological and emotional effects that abuse would have on all their seven children.

My father was eighteen years old when I was born. The first four of their children were born within a year of one another and living in a small one-bedroom home in the Southwest. I am child number three. Ten years later, my parents had three more children—all boys and also close in age. My father had a history of being physically abused as a child by his aunt, and he grew up in an area of town in those days where it was normal to abuse women and children. Both of my parents had abusive parents and parents who abandoned them. Back then, according to my mother, discipline lay solely on parents and school administrators. Teachers and principals were allowed to swat disruptive students with a paddle or ruler. My parents were expected to resolve their problems within their family, and their failures were many. Their seven children became casualties because my parents had no parent trainings and there was no help available for us. I am very familiar with physical pain, confusion, feelings of neglect, and the hopelessness I experienced as a victim of child abuse. I am confident this book will help you if you have been abused by a loved one because I too had to learn how to heal and turn my turmoil into triumph.

This is not a book about all the pain inflicted by my father and family members as I grew up in Texas, but I will share stories and reflect on what I experienced to prove my point in certain key areas. The activities that end most of the chapters are tailored to assist a person in the learning process. I have gained insight into my childhood as an adult in this area. I did not write this book to disclose and detail every wrong done by my parents but to give enough of my story to those individuals who need help as they deal with this type of suffering because I know what this kind of pain and hurt does to a person and their family. This book is for those individuals who want to understand and begin the healing process for themselves, which will take one small step at a time. I pray that after one reads this book, the outcome will help them pay special attention to the welfare and well-being of children for the prevention of child abuse and neglect.

Healing doesn’t mean that you ignore and deny the truth or run from it. Healing is a process, and it encompasses an inner self-determination to move forward in courage and address those painful issues that have become problematic for you regardless of the pain you will have to face.

It will take much courage, and I hope that you will press through and read this book as you begin to address your pain and implement the key points I have written in these pages.

Part 1

A Child’s Perspective

on Abuse and Family

Chapter 1

I Was Physically Abused as a Child

Child abuse, whether through action or failing to act, causes injury, death, emotional or serious harm to a child. These forms of child maltreatment would include neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation and emotional abuse.¹

I remember playing outside with my siblings when I heard my brother say, Hey, Dad wants us inside. As a child, hearing my father’s words requesting that we come inside was never a good thing because it usually meant something had happened and we were in trouble. The fear that would grip me was horrible, followed by confusion that was caused by my racing thoughts attempting to recall what I might have done wrong. I walked into the living room with my sister, and my father was very upset, and he was holding a belt. His face was very frightening and intimidating. It was a look that stated that nothing I could do or say would change his mind. As his daughter, I had no power to sway him in a different direction. There were no second chances, no mercy, and no grace; there was nothing I could do, think, or say to him or myself that would relieve my suffering.

I will never forget that blue belt with holes. It belonged to my brother, and the imprint of that belt left marks across my back, butt, and legs on that dreadful day. I had a terrible time sitting down because of the pain. The swings