Joy at the Edges of Grief: Learning to Be Present in the Midst of Caregiving, Illness, and Loss

By Elizabeth Straka Ph.D.

When Elizabeth Straka’s husband, David, was diagnosed with cancer, she had no idea how they would manage the complex and continuous needs that accompanied his diagnosis. Soon, they realized they were unable to confidently make good decisions, especially without a clear direction ahead. Fortunately, they eventually discovered that finding gratitude and being present allowed them to find light and hope even in their darkest days.

In a tender presentation created from journal entries and reflections, Straka details the emotional experiences of terminal illness, caregiving, loss, and grief while providing compassionate, helpful insights about how to navigate life’s most difficult moments. She begins by detailing their journey prior to cancer as well as the confusing and emotional path that followed David’s diagnosis and continues with her reflections as she begins moving through the different stages of grief after his death. Her shared lessons about the power of presence and gratitude invite others into a safe place where they, too, can come to terms with their own grief and loss.

Joy at the Edges of Grief is an authentic guide to finding the power of presence and gratitude in the midst of a life-challenging illness and monumental loss.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Apr 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9781982223687

Elizabeth Straka Ph.D.

Elizabeth lives in the Northeast, where she maintains a speech-language practice, offers Reiki and mindfulness education, writes, and creates. In helping others, she has an intuitive gift for seeing and identifying interrelationships within conditions or situations, and is known to communicate with compassion, attention, and insight as she provides heart-centered care and support. Elizabeth holds a PhD from the University of Oregon. She taught, presented nationally, consulted, mentored, and published before she returned to direct practice as a speech-language therapist. After making her way through grief, she found herself writing Joy at the Edges of Grief and ultimately seeking ways to support other caregivers or those grieving. The book shares her experiences and insights in caregiving, loss, and healing. The lessons she learned about the power of mindful awareness and gratitude are truly transformational and applicable for those caring for a loved one or coming to terms with their own grief and loss. Visit her website at edgesofgrief.com to learn more.

Book preview

Section One

Caregiving, Illness, and Loss

1.

Life Before Cancer

Meeting Each Other

David and I met while we were both living in Georgia. At that time, I was an established professional working in a university setting. He was working and pursuing an advanced degree in research, measurement, and statistics.

I frequently saw him walking on campus from my office window while I was on the computer. For some reason, I was drawn to him because of how he looked as he walked. He seemed to walk with a gentle ease. I could tell he was going somewhere but did not seem to be in a hurry. It was a steady, quiet walk.

I often wondered what was on his mind. It appeared that he was deep in thought as he took each step. I later learned from David that he was most likely thinking of his mother, who was at the time fighting a cancer that later took her life. He indeed was processing much at that time. He told me that was a very hard time of his life, and his mother’s death had changed him. He stopped drinking and felt like he was searching for something. Many things that were not important in his life became very important. He shared that he had learned much from his counselor, Amber. I never met her, but I still recall her name because he often spoke of her and how she significantly impacted him as a person during his healing.

As time passed, I eventually asked a colleague who that guy was as I pointed him out on campus one day. I learned he was finishing an advanced degree, working on a grant in the nearby building, and dating someone. I must have commented something like, Too bad, because that colleague let another colleague know I might be interested in him. After he was no longer dating, they told him to ask me out. He never did ask me out, despite their coaxing. He later told me he didn’t believe I would be interested in him, and therefore he didn’t approach me.

Eventually, one day on campus we bumped into each other while we were both walking to get a cup of coffee. We walked together and ended up having coffee together. That opened a natural door for us, and we started doing a few things together like going out to eat, seeing movies, and attending gatherings. At first, I thought we were too different from each other to have a relationship, but the differences made the relationship more interesting.

After spending more time together, we found ourselves quickly settling into each other’s hearts. We enjoyed many things together, and becoming a couple just seemed to happen for us. In time he started to take care of my dogs when I had to travel for work, and eventually we talked about it making sense for us to combine our households given that we were together most of the time. When we made that decision, our lives blended together effortlessly, and we truly felt like we were committed partners.

First Mountain Together

Shortly after meeting David, we planned a day hike through a tree-covered forest to the highest peak on the Georgia section of the Appalachian Trail. We were active and liked to be outdoors. He agreed to pack lunch, which impressed me because he knew I was a vegetarian.

I recall it being an easy and care-free day. Easy to spend time with him, easy to share conversation, and easy to be in silence as we enjoyed nature and each other’s company.

The only thing that was not easy was eating the peanut butter sandwich he’d made for lunch. It consisted of a thick layer of peanut butter on white bread. I am a just a skiff of peanut butter kind of person with whole-grain bread. I graciously ate it. I wondered if he knew just how thick that peanut butter was and how nutrient-poor that bread was. Thank goodness I had two bottles of water to wash that peanut butter down!

Over time, I discovered he always made thick sandwiches, be it peanut butter, veggie, or meat. According to my mother, the sandwich he made for her when we took her on a mountainside picnic was one big hoagie. As we were wrapped in nature at the base of a mountain sitting at a picnic table that day, I recall her exclaiming, This is a real Dagwood sandwich!

Now that I reflect, it’s interesting that we were often in the mountains. He loved the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I too liked the mountains, but my first experience of what I considered real mountains were the Tetons, which I discovered when I was living in the western part of the United States. This was prior to my path bumping into David’s.

Let’s Go

We both loved to travel and discover new areas. Given that we were living in Georgia, we traveled the southern part of the United States, choosing places we both wanted to explore. We had a list of things to do and see, which was our Let’s Go list.

I recall traveling to the Kentucky Derby, which I did not know much about. He was passionate about thoroughbred horse racing and had wanted to experience the Kentucky Derby. I said, It’s an easy drive. Why aren’t we going? I recall he was excited that I expressed interest and was pushing him to get tickets. I told him it would be silly not to do it, and it would be a fun adventure. Let’s Go.

The derby was on a cold, rainy day, but we managed to enjoy it by letting our excitement take over. I was having fun and inquisitive about what the horse race stuff was all about, and he was thrilled just to be there.

He focused on showing me how to statistically make good bets. I listened and slowly learned a little about his betting skills, and I even started to learn about jockeys. I was impressed as I started to recognize the jockeys’ names and learned how to make decent bets. However, I told him it really was more fun for me to look at the cool names of each horse and bet on the horse name that I liked. I got to a point where it did not matter, and I wanted to relax while he thoroughly engaged in something that he loved and took seriously.

As the day drew to an end, I would choose the horse’s name that I really liked and ask him the odds. He would shake his head and often provide me with the why nots in that decision. I quickly learned it was important to remain silent as he made his important betting decisions. I knew after his bets were made, we could talk about the important things on my mind, like what the snack options were in the food court for the day.

We both loved the derby experience and decided we would make sure we went to the Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes together. To attend all three tracks that make up the Triple Crown would be a fun for us. We were making future plans and falling in love.

Traveling to the Northeast

One area of the United States that I had not explored but had a passion to experience was the Northeast. David was from there, and he was excited to share where he’d grown up. I told him I wanted to make sure we explored the southern and midcoast of Maine because I had heard about the beauty and uniqueness of the coastal towns. I really wanted to experience that area.

He came up with an itinerary for us that would give me a flavor of coastal areas in Massachusetts and Maine, as well as a little of New Hampshire. He said the trip would capture that uniqueness of the Northeast for me. It was awesome to have someone who was familiar with the area as my navigator. I was excited to travel with him!

We flew into Boston and drove up the coast, spending a week in the area. On the trip, I recall stopping at a small coastal village in mid-Maine where we took a short hike up a trail to the top of a small mountain that overlooked the town harbor. The view was magnificent: a harbor tucked in hills, lakes, and a bay. While standing on that small mountaintop, holding David’s hand in silence with a cool ocean breeze brushing against my face, I realized I was in love. I recall my heart feeling so complete in that moment.

Relocating Together

As life unfolded, we found ourselves immensely enjoying our repeated travels to New England. We eventually found ourselves talking about moving there. We liked the idea of being close to both the mountains and the coast and simplifying our lives. After many serious discussions about our relationship and the fact that the move would be a down-the-ladder professional shift for both of us, we decided to move to Maine for a lifestyle change.

The move had so many challenges right from the start. The moving truck we rented was not ready, and when it was ready, it was a noisy and worrisome truck. The truck ended up breaking down in New York, which was the worst place for it to happen. It was a hot, sticky day, the dogs were anxious, and we were exhausted. We felt defeated.

The only good thing about that travel experience was that we found the biggest donut holes ever in New York. I told David we would have never found them if the truck had not broken down. Too much not good was happening, and it was bringing us down, so I decided to be amazed at the size of the donut holes. It made us laugh and helped put things into perspective.

We did make it through the hurdles of moving, and we and our dogs settled into the area. We both had jobs and appreciated the balance and happiness we found in Maine. Within six months, we found our perfect home tucked in nature at the end of a cul-de-sac next to a pond filled with quacking ducks. We loved it! We felt at home in our hearts and our relationship. By that time, we realized we were already heading into year five of our relationship and decided to get