A Feminist’S Self-Discovery: From Dutiful Wife to Intelligent Woman in Just 30 Years

By Angela Arisan, PhD

This book consists of diaries and letters Dr. Arisan wrote over some thirty years, enhanced by later commentary inserted to help the reader understand better what the earlier writings are about. What they show is how difficult it was for the author to gain control of her own life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 7, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504976312

Angela Arisan, PhD

Angela Arisan is now a widely respected scholar and teacher, noted especially for her work in feminist philosophy and feminist bioethics. She blossomed later in life because first she married, raised three children, and eventually obtained her doctorate while dealing with a failed marriage.

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© 2016 Angela Arisan, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse   04/06/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5049-7632-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-7631-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016905287

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Contents

INTRODUCTION

I    FROM RELIGIOUS IDEALS TO MARITAL REALITIES (1951-1965)

II    SEEKING SELF IN ACADEME AND ANALYSIS (1966-1969)

III    STILL IN FAILED MARRIAGE, BUT NOW PROFESSORIAL (1969-1973)

IV    SEEKING FULFILLMENT IN MALE-DOMINATED ACADEME (1973-1980)

V    SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT THINKING

APPENDIX    SOME WORDS TO GIVE THESE REFLECTIONS A HAPPY OUTCOME

INTRODUCTION

I have at long last achieved maturity. To do so, however, I’ve had to master the fine art of thinking and writing like a genuinely knowledgeable human being -- without apologies, but with respect for any and all human beings regardless of their differences from myself and my preferences. Before I could reach this level of intellectual acumen, though, I had to work my way through countless path-blocking bramble bushes embedded in my psyche by significant others who had not themselves come to realize that a woman can be – nay, is – a full-fledged human being in her own right. The slowness of this progression is fully and, all too often, embarrassingly manifested in these pages from diaries I kept and some letters I wrote as I groped my way through layers of darkness to a lot more light.

I

FROM RELIGIOUS IDEALS TO MARITAL REALITIES (1951-1965)

Having grown up with parents who neither followed their respective religious upbringings nor reconciled their religious differences, I became a Christian. Armed for better or worse with the teachings of this religion I entered altogether blithely into marriage and multiple motherhood. But my spouse, it turned out, had egocentric aspirations and destructive idiosyncrasies with which I was unable to cope. I also found myself without meaningful support from theological tenets and in touch with no alternative values compelling enough for me to fulfill what I had assumed to be my lifelong obligations.

August 1951. This is my inaugural entry. I plan to record my thoughts and ideas day by day or week by week as they occur to me in an effort to organize my mind and develop a more easily definable thought pattern.

As I looked through a diary recently that I kept in the spring of ’49, I realized that I had been confused then, too; but if I had known more specifically what I was confused about and recorded it, my mental situation might be improved today. I have come to believe, though, that my father has been instrumental in bringing about much of my situation.

Must people suffer to appreciate God’s gifts? A movie we saw tonight and Frankie’s tale of a speaker they had at Fellowship who recently returned from occupied Germany prompted me to reconsider this age old question. We have so much more than we need, yet we feel so noble when we give up a small part of it. We have no conception of the horrors of war. We try to rationalize – I am rationalizing now in using we instead of I. If I try to picture myself in another land, I may see an unpleasant image, but I soon blot it out and rationalize that none are unhappy. Why shouldn’t I be happy when I’ve never seen real unhappiness? Yet I am not.

September 1951. What moral basis do I have for approaching the racial issue? How am I justified in attempting to change the present condition in our culture?

Religious justification: Did Christ intend people to be segregated in society? What did he say to indicate he did not? (Read Bible for evidence.)

Secular Justification: Are democratic institutions opposed to segregation? What evidence is available to justify attempts to minimize segregation on socio-political grounds?

Ethical justification: Do I have evidence that unhappiness is brought upon people because of segregation? Would attempts to alleviate the difficulty maximize or minimize the segregation? Or is it a matter largely of technique?

I need to find material that addresses this issue.

Why must we fear Communism? If Democracy is the stronger government, will not democracy survive? Are we afraid of a revolution from within or a war from without? If we fear revolution, we must check the loyalty of those who hold the power within the nation – our armed forces. If we fear war from without, then we must keep the democratic spirit alive in our people, by allowing them the liberty that democracy implies. The movie industry cannot subtly indoctrinate our people because the movie goers of the nation are intelligent enough not to accept the indoctrination.

Instead of finding Communists, let us find democrats. Let us show the people the advantages of democracy not the faults of communism, how much more effective a working democracy can be. Judge not by usefulness but by truth. It is considered useful to restrict liberty. But no restriction of free discussion advances truth. Therefore it is not really useful.

On the wall of a university building is engraved the phrase Ye shall know the truth and the truth will make you free. But can we, mortal beings, know truth? And will we recognize it if we find it? Or do we merely approach the truth? We admit God knows the truth, so is the approach to truth found through allegiance to God? Or by what means? And freedom – what is that? – living in a society devoid of personal restraint? Or is it an inner liberation from prejudice – a conclusion derived through independent thinking? But we must start from some assumption accepted by society – therefore are we not prejudiced in beginning with the conventional?

October 1951. Men since time began have been searching for happiness. They groped in the darkness, sometimes finding a flicker, sometimes even a flame, but never a blaze. They may have found it for themselves but never for the world. But most often they did not even find their own happiness because they became frustrated in their quest for world wide happiness. They searched in vain for Formula H. Not a chemical, nor a physical, nor a philosophical formula, nor a formula made up of any other field of knowledge, but a formula combining all fields of knowledge, all truth – a formula for happiness. Why have they not achieved this goal, why have men never yet achieved it? I believe because they thought of their own happiness and happiness of the world as one and when they found great discrepancy, they realized it was not one and began to take a whole apart and of the parts examine, work and then replace in a whole. We have taken apart, we are still continuing the process, but the day when each part is complete and ready to again become a whole is not in sight. For we have found that each man is a product of one God, each man an image of a different part of that God and no Formula H.

God is Formula H. The human mind cannot grasp the whole of the formula. Jesus was the only human who could grasp the whole. That concept which is best for us is not for our neighbor because he reflects on the part of God. That part of God which we reflect is not limited, but by personal selection our happiness may grow. Man cannot achieve ultimate happiness because he does not combine the whole of God, but as he understands his neighbors both qualitatively and quantitatively, his happiness grows and he understands a greater part of God.

Why has man collectively been unable to achieve happiness? Man has not learned to combine happiness. He has tried to inflict his own happiness on others to achieve their happiness because he does not yet know that each man can best achieve his own happiness through the aid and direction of others, not forcibly. He may also know this and yet try to force his happiness on others because he does not know his own happiness and try to achieve it by authority over others.

December 1951. Another quarter has elapsed and again I am faced with exams and again I am unprepared and afraid to face reality. Why? I don’t know why. I have considered going to a psychiatrist, but somehow I fear it. So I just go on hoping it will be better next time and yet I have no reason to think it will. I continually try to avoid reality – putting it off until I can put it off no longer. I know when the exams are coming, but I rationalize myself into thinking they are still a long way off. I think I am really an escapist.

I believe my primary difficulty is lack of organization. I deceive myself by thinking I have profited by my mistakes – but have I? After my first year in college, I thought I was in the swing of things. Next year will be better, I said to myself. But the next year was worse, and the year after worse than that. I must make this year the best; so much depends on it. I am learning but I could learn so much more if I were better organized.

February 1952. This is a very happy day for US. We’ve decided to try for a March 15 wedding – not very far away. And I’m rather excited. Tomorrow when I go to the hospital to see Mother, we’ll discuss it. I feel jubilant, but moderately so. I think I may be able to help Jim quite a bit, but I can’t go beyond a certain limit unless I can help myself. That will be the highest obstacle, I’m afraid. But I do think I’m on the right path – the path of matrimony.

The Jensens invited me for dinner tonight, engagement ring and all (I received it Feb. 14) Seeing Jim and his family in their home helped me understand Jim better somehow. In what way and why I don’t quite know yet but I do feel better. It gives me a new insight into his family relationship. I wish the wedding were sooner, but the time will fly by. There’s so very much to do between now and our wedding.

March 1952. Jim renewed the suggestion tonight that we have the wedding on the 15th of March. I’m really so anxious to get married, but a week doesn’t allow much time for preparation. Neither of us want to wait until September and we hope that being married we can study more effectively. Large weddings seem so pretentious and costly and a simple ceremony can be just as memorable. But we shall see. Jim wants to just haul off and get married, but in a way I would like to have our families there, although for some reason I almost dread a prepared wedding. It’s really what Jim and I make it ourselves that sets the wedding atmosphere. And then, in a way I do want to put it off till September. Maybe it’s my own lack of organization that makes me want an organized wedding. But then again I like to think of a wedding as just Jim and me, not as a lot of plans and excitement; it’s the peace and fulfillment that give me that feeling of love. I do so want to make Jim happy – he is so deserving of real happiness and I love him so deeply that I almost overflow. I really think that many of our problems can be solved by a happy married life. Jim can be sort of a psychiatrist to me and I do so want to open my heart and my innermost thoughts to him as I couldn’t do to any other human. The type of ceremony doesn’t seem to matter much compared to these things. It’s really more of a symbol in our society – a symbol that too often means wealth and display and all too seldom love and consideration. In my case, love of God and love of Jim.

May 1952. I do miss Jim so very very much that I feel I can hardly retain my balance without him. But I don’t retain my balance very successfully with him either. We each must live our own life and Jim’s doing a better job of his than I am of mine.

I feel that the study of Social Thought is where I belong. Social Science does not seem near fulfilling the criteria of a science and I would like to contribute something to that goal. Each branch of Social Science seems unrelated to any other – to varying extents. It is not really universal – it is more of a product of the United States, not even international. Can Social Science really make a contribution to knowledge on its secular basis? Is it yet deserving to be known as a science? To say the most, it is an infant science barely emerging into the world of generalization. It is still in the shadows and will not for a long while rise to reason. It must first come out of the cave into the sunlight.

Autumn 1952. I feel very odd this evening. I’ve been having a kitchen table gab fest with the Ginsbergs and I came home feeling very humble, but yet very dynamic. I am experiencing a great intellectual excitement; I feel exhilarated. And I hardly know what to do. God seems so great and powerful and I feel that I am one of His creatures, put on earth for a real purpose, but that I must seek out that purpose and only then will I really live and move and have my being. I must seek out this motivating force and release it. But as yet I don’t know how. I only know that there must be a channel where its full force can be transferred and that if I just blow its full power will not be felt, but will scatter to insignificance. I want so much to find that channel.

Spring 1953. The problem of racial relations is a social symptom. In order to improve not only this social condition, but a million other social conditions, must we attack the symptoms of the system? Or can we discover a more comprehensive approach? Must we continue generalizing until we generalize each minute fragment into the Whole? Or can we approach the Whole by other than this trial and error method. Or can we move by more comprehensive systems? Perhaps, instead of devoting our energies to a remedy for each symptom of racial tension, we might devote our efforts to the establishment of a social structure where the need, the basis for racial distinction is non-existent.

Ideally, we must discover the pattern of society. But the practical question is one of approach. Should we consciously seek the Whole, the Pattern or should we devote our energies to remedying the symptoms? On the level of race relations, should we look for that structure of society where the problem would be non-existent, or should we combat with glove and fist every outburst of racial