A Bunch of Baloney: The True Tales of a Small-Town Meat Cutter

By Lee Norrington

Since he first entered the workforce, Lee Norrington has pretty much done anything it took to earn a paycheck. Hes been a computer technician, lab assistant, pawn clerk, waiter, dishwasher, and even a landscaper. Dealing with the public was nothing new for him, yet nothing could prepare him for his most challenging vocation to datethat of a meat cutter in Rural Nowhere, Midwest. In this book, Lee recalls his adventures as he meets some of the most diverse and bizarre customers and coworkers of his life. There are those that make him laugh, those that enrage him, a rare few that touch his heart, and oh so many that simply dumbfound him and cause him to question the sanity of the local populace and the composition of the municipal water supply.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 25, 2017
• ISBN: 9781524669133

Lee Norrington

Lee Norrington attended Southern Illinois University from 2002-2007, where he studied Plant and Soil Science at the College of Agricultural Sciences. After an abysmal search for post-graduate employment, he foolishly decided to attempt to become an author while working in the public service sector. He currently resides at A Wide Spot In The Road, Rural Nowhere, Midwest with his wife Katie and his daughters Leah and Molly. He continues to cut meat, as well as tending his garden and chickens. How he finds time to write, no one can say.

Book preview

Half Pound of Ham Lady

T HERE’S A REGULAR CUSTOMER AT my deli that has been coming in almost every week since I started working at this shop in 2011. She’s in her late sixties or early seventies, and I have affectionately dubbed her Half Pound of Ham Lady. Why? Because every time she has come to the deli for several years, we have had the following exchange, virtually identical every time:

I’m not sure what the reason for this might be, but I always try to be nice to her. She isn’t annoying or abusive the way many other patrons are. Just a little…different.

The thing of it is, she doesn’t always get the same kind of ham. Sometimes she gets the Polish imported ham. Sometimes she gets Virginia baked ham. Sometimes, like today, she opts for the cheap boiled deli ham. So when I saw her coming one day, I decided I was going to try to start out our usual conversation a little differently, and anticipate her needs.

I beamed a smile at her, and asked What kind of ham would you like today, hon?

She quickly glanced up at me, seeming slightly startled. Her blue eyes stared at me from beneath caked-on metallic eyeshadow and drawn-on eyebrows, and she said Half a pound of ham, please.

Okay, what kind? I asked again, continuing to smile warmly at her.

I dunno… she states as a confused look comes across her face. What kind did I get last time?

*sigh* The poor dear. It’s as though I’m in the lunchmeat version of that Adam Sandler movie.

Ma’am, have you heard of Drew Barrymore? Y…yes, that cute little girl from E.T.…

She Keeps Kicking the Tires

A N OLDER WOMAN STOPPED AT my deli counter one day in early spring. She had a younger child who appeared to be about two years of age in her cart.

I want some of this ham, she demanded, and pointed with her finger on the display window.

For those who don’t know, my height places me at just the right angle so that I only see the glass counter top and the top shelf right beneath it. If it’s not on the top shelf, I can’t see a darned thing they’re pointing at. At this point, I’m contemplating a sign that reads Meat cutter does not have X-ray vision, and cannot see through shelves. So I crane my head around the side as I ask Which one, ma’am?

Tongue fumbling, she says The Beh……Bentsch-muh……ummm…..

Oh, the Bentschmar Off-the-bone ham, I finish for her.

At this point, I ponder why it is that so many people seem to