Victim of Abuse

By Ashley Lewis

I once was a Victim of Abuse looking for love in all the wrong places until I found Jesus in 1997 and he stepped and turned my life around. I had a nervous breakdown in 1995 after dreaming Fremont Clayton had molested my daughter Desire Ramer in my dream he had molested my son Jaquan Ramer this is all a true story

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 23, 2015
• ISBN: 9781514417751

Ashley Lewis

My name is Ashley Lewis I currently live in the state of Minnesota raising my two children Newell Kevins and Emanuel Kevins I just shared a true story of my life and the abuse that I have endured from a very young age. I have been divorced now going on 6years and I have more peace now than I ever have had before. I was married to Kendrick Kevins for 15 years after finally divorcing him he was an alcoholic and I couldn’t raise my children in a dysfunctional relationship any longer. I stayed with Kendrick for all those years to protect his children our children because they mother had died and he couldn’t have did it without me. I was molested for years running away and trying to find the Lord and some answers. I finally obtained my GED in 2013, I previously ran a 24 hour childcare out of my home which was very successful until I hired the wrong employees! I am currently in school studying in the field of Child Development. I have went to school for Real Estate I want to open up homes for women struggling to raise their children.

Book preview

Part 1

CHAPTER 1

My First Love

When I met Marcus, it was love at first sight. Marcus asked me out many times, but I would never give him any play. I always turned him down. I was playing hard to get, pretending I wasn’t interested in him. I really was, but I didn’t want to appear easy, you know. My best friend was dating my cousin. He and Marcus were friends, so she kind of convinced me into double dating. This was the beginning of a domestic case from hell. I thought he was the finest man I’d ever seen. He was dark skinned, the color of hot chocolate, just the way I liked my men. His voice was slick as ice.

Thinking back, I should have known there was something off about him. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly, but he reminded me of a pimp. One day, I said something he didn’t like, and he slapped me across the face. I started crying and yelling, I’m going to have my brothers kick your ass! He rushed to me, saying, Baby, I’m sorry.

As he wiped my tears, he said, I promise I will never hit you again. He then began removing my clothes and running his hands through my hair. My body was on fire as we made love. We reached our climax, and the slap he gave me earlier seemed to have faded away. I lay in the arms of my abusive lover, and we slept the night away.

I don’t remember why Marcus would get so angry, beat me, and then make love to me. The makeup sex always seemed to take away all the pain. He would cheat and beat me. He would say the same thing over and over: You shouldn’t have made me do this. It was a vicious pattern. I should have been tired of all the blows, busted lips, and black eyes; but I was in love with this man. After all, he was the first lover I chose for myself. I was a young tender rip and right. Every time troubles came, I ran away.

One day, Marcus told me he was in love with this girl named Lisa Parks. I asked, How can you love the both of us?

He replied, I don’t know, but I do.

That hit me to the core of my heart. I lived in the projects, and one day, I saw them walking in my hood. I snapped. How in the fuck are you going to walk in my neighborhood with this bitch?

Marcus replied, Ashley, go yo’ ass back in the house and stop tripping. We started fighting, and he beat the shit out me.

I went into the house, crying and wondering, How could he do this to me? Marcus started cheating on and beating me regularly. I stayed with him because I was in love with the man. It was like until death do us part.

One day, he walked in the house and demanded I cook him something to eat.

I had got a little bold, so I thought, I’m not cooking you shit. I told him, Tell yo’ bitch to cook for you. That was the last thing I remember saying before he hit me across the head with an iron skillet. I saw blood, and my body went limp before hitting the floor.

It seemed like hours before I woke up. I was lying in my bed, naked. I tried to get up, but the pain was horrible. I tried to remember what happened. I looked next to me, and there he lay, also naked. Then it suddenly came back to me. He must have made love to me after beating the crap out of me.

I guess he had a fetish or something because I really didn’t understand why he always wanted sex after beating me. I guess I got used to it, and it didn’t hurt anymore. I was confused and had mistaken abuse for love. Somehow in my mind, I really thought if a man beat you, he loved you.

God, what is wrong with me? I have been tortured since before I could walk and talk. How can he be so perfect and a monster at the same time? I can’t see why anyone hates me this much. God, why am I running into all of this abuse? Can you please help me? Please, I need help, God!

Sincerely, your daughter,

Ashley Lewis

CHAPTER 2

He Loves Me

There were times when Marcus didn’t put a whipping on me. Those were the best times because he made me feel as though I was the only one. He would hold me, look me in the eye, and tell me he loved me. I was in love all over again . . . until the blows came back. Damn, the monster came home. I never knew what to say to calm him. Baby, we can work on this. You told me you loved me last night. What happened?

Bitch, you can’t do shit right. Bring yo’ ass in here and suck my dick!

I always did what he ordered me to do because I loved him. I would lie in his arms after all the abuse, tears running down my face, thinking he loves me, and he’s going to change. I spent thirteen years being treated like an animal by the man I chose for myself. I knew he was going to change.

Marcus would come over, take my money, and make love to me. Then he’d leave to be with his other women. I always tried to make it right. Baby, do you want me to make you something to eat or run your bath? I always let him have his way with me because I thought he loved me in his own special way.

One time, I was at my cousin’s party. I was dancing, getting my groove on. There was a guy behind me and one in front of me. Marcus must have walked in and seen me dancing. Before I knew it, I was being dragged off the dance floor by the hair. He pulled me out the house and pushed me into the car. He hit me all the way home. When we got into the house, he beat the living shit out of me. Then we made love, and I lay in his arms as he wiped away my tears. Baby, I love you. If I didn’t hit you when you do something wrong, you wouldn’t think I loved you. I always believed him because he said he loved me.

The longest I remember him not hitting or degrading me had to be about two months. It was like heaven. I was loving him, and he was loving me. Then I talked to a guy one day, and it was nothing serious to me. Marcus saw me. My heart skipped out of fear, and I stopped the conversation and started running. Marcus came after me as I screamed, Baby, please! He was just asking me a question!

There was no reasoning, as he wasn’t having it. Bitch, didn’t I tell you that you belong to me?

Yes. It was nothing. He was just asking me a question. He believed me. I found out that this guy and Marcus were cousins. That was the only reason I didn’t get a licking that day.

Marcus was one of the best known drug dealers in Topeka. With drugs came women and power. Every chick wanted to be down with the most popular rider, so you were never a dealer’s only bitch. Marcus would come home after a long day on the block from hitting his licks on the corner or having a daily crap game, trying to hit a 7-11.

I knew when he won because I got to enjoy his loving, and there was no blood spreading. Baby, go fix yourself up. We’re going to the Elks tonight. I would do what he ordered. I put on my makeup and covered up the fading of the lingering purple tint by putting on some chocolate foundation to blend with my complexion. As I put on the last touches of my makeup, he came into the bathroom. He stood there, already half full of the Alizé we were sipping. He looked at me and said, Damn, you are fine as hell. He removed my towel and kissed and licked me in places I thought he’d forgotten about. I let out a scream, but it wasn’t from pain. He had taken me to ecstasy, and I returned the favor for my man. I knew he still loved me. It was just those times I had to get a whipping when I didn’t do what I was told. We took a shower, got dressed, and went to the club that night. We really had a good time. Marcus still loved me.

God, I know he loves me because he wouldn’t make me feel this good if he didn’t. I know he has a problem. I need your help so I do what he tells me, and he won’t hit me again. God, please hear my prayer. I know Marcus loves me. He just has a few problems. Marcus loves me because I can see it in his eyes.

Sincerely, your daughter,

Ashley Lewis

CHAPTER 3

My Love for My Abuser

I couldn’t understand why or how I was still so in love with Marcus after all of the pain and agony that he put me through, but I was. There were times I would just break down and cry because I knew that he had a kind heart. Yeah, I was making up excuses for him. I would put my man on a pedestal and treat him like a king. I saw beyond the beating he had given me. I knew he was going to change; he had a good heart. Nothing or no one was going to separate us. I wasn’t letting him go. Marcus was a little confused, and it didn’t make a difference because he was mine in my eyes.

I got a call from the health department one day, telling me to come down and get checked because he had burned me. Marcus had given me an STD, chlamydia. What the fuck is chlamydia? I thought, How he can do this to me! I got enough nerve to ask him, Marcus these people called me today and asked me to get checked for STD. You are my partner. He switched everything around as though I was the one who had cheated on him. I hated asking him about it because I got something that I knew I didn’t deserve. He came to the house, and it was brutal. He raped me and beat me until I couldn’t walk or talk for days. I was in a state of shock. I didn’t report him. I made up excuses for him, telling myself I deserved it. I should have never asked him anything about the disease. I should just have taken the medicine and just let him do what he wanted. I still loved him although he tortured me and mutilated me.

Yes, he was driving me crazy. I believed that I was wrong, and he was right. My lover was an abuser, and I loved him, and I couldn’t tell anyone because I was scared he was going to kill me. I made up so many reasons to stay with him. I was a little girl playing the role of an adult, with him beating the hell out of me and me defending him. We were common-law married as kids. I was enduring pain; after all, I was a victim from birth. My mother basically threw me to the wolves, and I was looking for love in all the wrong places and ended up running into all bad deals in my life. I would walk around covering up lies after lies, pretending that I was enjoying my life with blows to my body and nightmares at night. I would wake up from night sweats, wondering who was going to get me next.

I couldn’t let him go. I believed he was going to change, and I loved him. I had it all mapped in my mind, telling myself he did love me, and he’s going to get it right one day, and we’re going to be happy and live forever after all of the abuse. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I would go back when we started and remember the smile, that pretty dark smile. I wanted it to be like how it was from the beginning, when he started loving me. I missed his intimacy. I was like an addict trying to get that next climax. I was searching for the high point in my life. No other man has taken me there. I wanted it back. I wanted to just to lay there and glance in his eyes to see his realness. I wanted him to love me like that again. I had so much love for my abuser. I didn’t care if I was a fool in love.

God, I know you can hear my prayers. Marcus is a good person. He just has problems, and your Word told me that I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who strengthens me. I have to continue loving him because I know he’s going to change. God, I love Marcus. He is the first one who I found for myself, and I know it’s going to work out. God, Marcus has a problem, and I have to get over his hitting because I love him. He makes me feel good when he’s not hitting me.

Sincerely, your daughter,

Ashley Lewis

CHAPTER 4

If You Love Me

Marcus came home from jail after making the wrong sale to an undercover cop. Those were the days when I threw him a party as though he was coming home from the army or as if he had just graduated, getting his PhD with the Greatest Gangster Pimp of the Year Award. I loved this black motherfucker. I think it was because he knew how to light my fire; he knew all of my secret places and the hot spots to make me reach the highest of them all.

I would ask him, If you love me, why do you always do me the way you do? Marcus would say, My daddy and brothers told me this is how they like it. Oh, now I got it. He was trained to