Broken Innocence: No Longer Pure

By Marquita Brown

This book is about a little girl whose innocence was taken from her. It talks about how it affected her throughout her life when it came to dating and just dealing with relationships in general. It talks about her struggle with anxiety and depression.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 3, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662472824

Book preview

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Broken Innocence

No Longer Pure

Marquita Brown

Copyright © 2021 Marquita Brown

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2021

ISBN 978-1-6624-7281-7 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-7282-4 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

To my younger self. The little girl that was scared and had no idea what was happening to her. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. For all the pain, anger, and hurt this has brought you. It was not your fault. You can survive, you will survive, and you will keep on surviving! I love you.

Introduction

I felt like my whole world was crashing down—too many problems I couldn’t even count. I asked the Lord to give me help for the things that were happening to me that I couldn’t accept. I felt like nothing good would ever happen to me and that nobody would ever understand how I felt. People always say, We can’t understand if you don’t talk, but when I did, they didn’t know what to say. Nobody I talked to could relate. Maybe that’s why I felt like my head was about to explode, holding in so much anger without any other way to express myself. I felt like I was going over the edge. I was so afraid I couldn’t control it. I had no self-control. I held in so much anger that it became apart of me. People make you that way when they treat you so viciously. I didn’t talk to people because I felt that they didn’t care about the secret that I wanted to share. After all, it wasn’t easy telling someone you’ve been raped.

Chapter 1

One night I was sleeping when I woke up in excruciating pain. My clothes were off, and I was in his lap instead of in my bed. He felt no remorse from the tears I shed. I was crying, saying, It hurts, it hurts, but he kept forcing himself inside me, my brother lying not too far from us, sleeping. I just wanted it to stop.

I was only five or six years old when it happened, but he used me to give him satisfaction. I despised him for robbing me of my innocence. I wish I had been more vigilant. Are you going to tattle on me? While wiping the tears from my eyes. No, I replied. Being so young, I didn’t know. So I left to go next door, where my dad’s girlfriend was in tears. He damaged me; my life was in ruins when I never did anything to pursue him. I had on a flower outfit, which was a crop-top shirt and shorts, and he looked at me and grabbed his crotch. From then on, I had it rough.

He tried to do it again. I was so glad when my dad walked in. I was lying on the bed pretending to be asleep while holding my pants, and he got on top of me and moved my hand. He jumped off the bed and ran in the other room. I wish he would’ve gotten further so my dad could see what he had done to me. He put me through hell; sometimes I still could remember the smell. When I got older, I found out that it was wrong and that I wasn’t the only one in the world that it happened to. But I still kept the secret. It started to eat away at me. I had built up so much anger, so much fury. He scarred me for life, with memories of that horrible night. People can be so ruthless.

He robbed me of my innocence. I’m so glad that I didn’t get a disease. Most people don’t make it out of these situations alive. I thank God that I survived. I had blocked the images out for so long I was no longer able to. I felt like I was losing my mind. The images were still fresh after all those years. Every time I thought about it, my eyes would fill with tears.

When someone does this to you, it makes you feel as if you’re worthless. I thought I was okay and that I was dealing with it, but you can’t get over something so traumatic on your own. I was twenty years old when I first told my mom. She said, Why didn’t you tell us? We would’ve killed him. That’s why I didn’t tell. I felt that I was protecting my parents. I didn’t want my parents to go to jail.

Sometimes I thought it was a bad dream, but it became more real. It never went away. I became isolated. Wanting to be alone, it was taking a toll on me. Not letting anyone get too close to me mentally, physically, or emotionally. I took my anger out on a lot of people—teachers, siblings, and strangers. I was very angry. I never liked going around people because they were so mean. I was afraid of what other people thought of me.

I was never able to look anyone in the eyes; to me that shows trust and sincerity. I feel like you can see what a person is all about when you look into their eyes. I feel like someone could look into my soul or see the person I really am. I didn’t trust people enough to see that. Then I started to date and began a habit of having sex with guys when I didn’t want to. I felt like I couldn’t say no. I was putting up with anything just to have someone or to get some form of affection.

The first guy

I was around twelve or thirteen when I got into a relationship with this guy. We were so in love just by touching my hand, he gave me butterflies. I was so shy that I barely said anything. I was sneaking out to see him and got in trouble. I went to see him again the next summer. I told his cousin to ask him could we get back together. He claimed that we never broke up, even though I hadn’t heard from him. So we started back where we left off.

We first had sex when I was sixteen, and boy, did it hurt! We had been on and off since then. As time went by, I started to hear that he was cheating on me, but I didn’t want to believe it. Then one day I saw him flirting with the girl right in front of me, and of course, he said that there wasn’t anything going on. One night I was in the house when he came to get me, then all of a sudden, he was nowhere to be found. I went to his grandma’s house to look for him. I was told that he was hiding from me, which didn’t make sense when he came to get me out the house. So I went back in the house.

Eventually I came back outside to see if I would run into him, and I did, sitting on the bench in his grandma’s yard. We went to his brother’s house; he started to feed me lies about us getting married and how he would propose. We finally broke up, but I continued to have sex with him. I would tell him that I loved him, but he wouldn’t say it back, that really hurt. I would go see him so that he could sneak me in the house because we had already discussed it over the phone. When I got there one time he said that his cousin would stay over. He left me outside in the rain not caring where I went.

He had a girlfriend when we were sleeping around, I was so in love with him I still saw him as mine. But when I saw him walking down the street holding his girlfriend hand and he waved at me. I went to my friend’s dad’s house and cried my eyes out. I prayed that God get me out that situation. I left not looking back for a while.

The second guy

I wasn’t in a relationship with this guy; he was just someone I grew up with. I was just tired of being cheated on by my ex, so I had sex with this guy. I didn’t care; I just wanted him to feel what I felt. But he didn’t find out until we broke up when I told him.

The third guy

I was vulnerable after breaking up with guy no. 1 when I started talking to this guy. I would stay over his house. We got to throwing the love word around, thinking that we meant it, but we didn’t. I stopped talking to him after I saw that he texted my friend like he was me after we had sex saying that I was ready. So I just left him alone.

The fourth guy

My cousin met this guy, and she hooked me up with his friend. I had sex with him on the first day. Afterward, we got into a relationship. He asked me did I do sexual favors, and I told him no. My cousin told him that I got back with my ex. We didn’t stay together that long.

The fifth guy

It was after I graduated high school, I was at the club. He spoke to my sister, and she introduced us. He walked me home afterward. I knew what he wanted when he hit me on my ass and thought it was okay. But I continued to talk to him. He started to come over my house every day. We became a couple.

I ended up cheating on him, and he found out by the way I was acting, and he called me on it. We broke up and got back together, so I thought. I ended up giving him sexual favors. I stopped talking to him when I saw that he had in a relationship on his Myspace page, and I confronted him about it. He made it very clear to me that we weren’t together. He ended up getting what he wanted from the beginning.

The sixth guy

My friend wanted me to go with her to meet this guy and he had a friend for me. He kept pressuring me to have sex three days in. I finally gave him what he wanted. I didn’t really like him like that. I ended up cheating on him and telling him about it. He still didn’t want to end it. I didn’t cheat so we could break up, I just wasn’t that into him. I finally broke it off when we stopped spending time together and he agreed. He tried to get back with me a week later but I was over it.

The seventh guy

A week after meeting this guy on a social network, we were in love. I started to go to church again; he made me want to be a better person. He lived in New York, but I knew that we would meet one day. We talked on the phone for nine months before we met. Then we did; everything was okay until he started smoking. He told me that he didn’t do it anymore.

I thought he was the perfect guy. We stayed with my grandma, then we moved in with my cousin. He started to smoke even more, especially around me, that’s when the problems started. We started to argue a lot. He became verbally abusive, we broke up and got back together. Then I told him that I wanted to stop having sex