If I Only Knew!

By Dereck Allbee

Are you tired of struggling for answers? Are you fed up with the lies? Do you get confused why there are more questions for every answer you get? Do you want to let go of that pain inside your very soul?
Then I have the book just for you! Check this outeven the title speaks volumes (If I only Knew!)

No more will you sit and wonder. No more beating around the bush. Finally, a masterfully written straight-to-the-point book on almost any issue or problem in life's struggles made clear. Now, doesn't that sound wonderful? This writers work has such an easy flow you can't lose sight of where he is leading you. In fact, you will find yourself reading his poems over and over again from sheer amazement. The unique way he has composed allows each work of art, if you will, to tell you something new, almost every time.

His fearless choices to tackle about every subject with such straightforward directness are eye opening. You will be shocked with what you learn beyond what you already knew about the subject. His genuine heart and soul of a kindness devoted to the love Jesus taught us is real. His candor he reveals right from the beginning. His work is so profound but so simple that you will tap your own head and wonder why you never thought that over and over.

Here, let me just give you just a few things to prove my point:

1. Each day is a blessing, so stop just guessing what to do for you already know from yesterdays un-chosen regrets cause today is not over yet! Yesterday was not worthless, make today worth that, for tomorrow to be worth more
2. Don't walk past a stranger in need; let them plant the seed inside your soul that will make you feel whole for giving just a little piece of your heart
3. It's not always cause we didn't have a clue; no, its more that we didn't trust enough to just follow through

Now, these three examples are actually just from one out of 150 poems. Did you learn any lesson?
Couldn't you live a good and happy life by just following these three?

This writer has definite way to show you how easy it is when youre honest with yourself. If for no other reason you should by this book! It just may be the one book that will change your life!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 21, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503544222

Dereck Allbee

Growing up on a farm, living in such silence, taught me how to listen. Pay attention to the world around you, noticing things that forever go unseen. There is so much peace there! Working close with my steers for show, I actually won many championships. Competing in this arena showed me that it is not the winning that stays with you, but the ones who challenged you! My competitiveness sought other challenges, leading me to national awards. I was even blessed to become an exchange student to the Caribbean. Despite having enough credits for a degree, I never did. No, my doctorate came through life's experiences, not just my own, by challenging myself to understand it all! Looking for true perspective, not self-gain, reaching out to all I come across, I always threw myself into troubled waters, forcing myself to swim, or drown; how else could I truly save others from drowning? This taught me that the greatest intentions fail. Each person has to climb away from themselves to not sink to the bottom. Putting yourself in harm’s way for others always teaches you something. A degree paid for by sacrifices of continual losses, teaching you were true value lies! When I walked through your footsteps, you allowed me to see properly the hidden you! This is my first full book of poems. However, I have composed them my whole life. You won't find those poems here. These were meant for you! All right, there are some love poems here—guys want to impress their girls, and girls desire to hear love poems. May you find the ones that fit! My web page is under the title of this book. My personal information is irrelevant for you; this is not about me. This is about you! However, if you have questions, just post them, ask them, and I will do my best to answer them expeditiously. Presently, I still live near Kansas City; that's Missouri not Kansas. For all my fellow locals know what I am saying, now if they wipe that smile off their faces, we can move on! I have tackled most every one of problems we face and see around us. Some are tragic, others will inspire you, lifting your spirits so high you find yourself looking down on what you could never seem to see above it all—finally!

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 by Dereck Allbee. 650986

ISBN:   Softcover             978-1-5035-3743-9

             EBook                  978-1-5035-3742-2

KJV

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 02/20/2015

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

Dedication

I dedicate this book to all the lost and struggling souls across this whole world!

May you find yourself within the pages I have written just to reach out to you, as we remember those that have left their mark on us! May we all find what we’re after and never bring shame to another. Life is hard enough without us pushing away what binds us all together. We are humans just wanting a better world for our children to live and prosper in. May this generation here now today make positive changes for this to happen finally!

To all my children of my heart: Alesha M. Allbee for showing me what true perseverance is all about! Bianca Allbee for teaching me it’s never too late! Clifton E. Neely IV showing me the measure in becoming your own identity. Darien J. Allbee—forever my little trooper. Dereck Ryan Allbee, for the most positive impact of my life, the only one I always raised. Desiree Johnson, the sweetness of motherly love. Heaven Brown allowing me to be hopeful. Jenise K. Pittman for the continuous strength of a gentle heart. Keara R. Allbee, my star child headed for vastness. Jeri-Lyn Lehua Pittman, the loving power of forgiveness. Picola Rose Holder, for always putting me in my place and teaching me the value of contact and commitment—just like her mother but so different. Justin Kapono Baker, a mark forever on my heart on needing forgiveness. And last but not least, our foundation, the polished rock that makes all things run smoothly: Tiffany Welch. You have grown to be fine young warriors within yourselves. I am proud of each of you!

Finally, to my late wife, Blanchie Denise Allbee—you’re still forever teaching me. I am a better man now than before I met you!

Contents

Here Starts Your Journey!

Acknowledgements

What Compelled Me to Write This Book

Special Honor

Who I Am and What He Has Taught Me

Preface

Necessary Repetition

So Many Tears

A Child

A Good Man’s Life

A New Day

Agree to Disagree

All I Need Is You

Battling Voices

Be Gone, Girl

Broken

Broken Promises

Brother’s Day

Can’t You See?

Chasing Emptiness

Common Ground

Competition

Computer World

Confidence

Coward

Devil’s Children

Dreaming Again

Dreams Do Come True

Even When Life Is Good

Fallen Soldier

False Destination

Fathers Daughters

Father’s Day

Father’s Pride

Fighting into Uncertainty

Fighting Me?

Finding a New Landing

Foolish Belief

Forgotten Tomorrows

Forgiving Is Not so Easy!

Fortune and Shame

From the Moment I Met You

Happy Birthday, Mom

He Ain’t the One

Her Lies

Her Teaching Love

His Will

I am a Journey

I Dream

I Like you A lot

If I Could Have I Would Have

I’m Trying

It Doesn’t Matter

It’s Still Me

It’s Your Time, Not Mine

Just because It’s Monday

Just Let Me Be

Just One More Day

Listen to Your Heart

Looking Past Me

Losing Faith

Lost before You

Lost in a Dream

Measurement of a Man

Meeting You

METH DAUGHTER

Miracle Baby

Missing You

My Birthright

My Chess Game

My False Shame

My Fault

My New Boo

My Past Weekend

Perfect Match

My Time!

My Treasure

Not Always Right

Not Done Yet!

Not Meant to Be

Now I Notice

Now You Know

One Bad Day

One Child’s’ Light

One Man’s Bad Choices

Only Five Friends

Only Momentary

Our Choices

Our Destruction We Create

Past Love Is no Love

Perpetual Love

Preciousness

Ripples

Routine

Simple Answers

So Sorry, Mommy

Son, Time Remains the Same

Spilled Milk

Stop Searching

Sudden Sweet Itch

Teen Confusion

The Right Soul Mate

Then what are you?

Three Little Words

Through His Eyes

Too Late for Me

Today

Tomorrow’s Memories

True Colors

Trusting

Unanimous Abyss

Unbuilt Bridges

Unrealistic Expectations

Unseen Love

Unwanted Gifts

What’s Your Hurry?

Waiting

Wake Up

Was There a Past!

We Promised

We Used To

When You Disgust Me

Who Am I

Who are you?

Who’s Really Ugly?

Why Not Have Second Chances?

The Windowpane

Words I’ve Never Heard

Words Run Deep

World Wants Nothing

Wrong Conclusion

Yesterday then Tomorrow

You’ll Always Be with Me

Your Shoes

You’re to Blame

Hate Destroys Our Fate

Want without Change

Why?

I Want to Grow

I’m Here!

It’s Your Day for Change

Here We Are at the End of Our Journey!

Here Starts Your Journey!

Here starts your journey to a new day. May the pages before you lay a path of new hope!

As you will take this walk alone with the inspiration that came to compose this book you will find out your answers have always been in you! No distance is too far when all you have to do is take that first step. Never forgetting that today is not over yet!

Let go of the world around you; it’s not there! All that matters is you!

Each story has some part of you within. Some will seem to encompass your whole being. This is what our journey here is all about—finding those pieces of you hidden behind your walls of protection, buried under this ever-changing displacement we call life.

When our journey reaches the end, as life always seems to start over, so shall each journey bring something new the second time around!

Don’t fail to open up and finally tell someone you care about now in a way you never could before.

Share your experiences with new hope for change. The best stories are the ones that we just have to share. Only you can be the one!

When you find yourself being offended, angry, furious, or disgusted, read this part more than twice, allowing the answers to find you. This way, you can let that go and find peace where there was none!

Every story within was given unto me by you! God said so! I am not going to call him a liar. I am just your voice speaking out for you here, finally giving you that strength. Learn to embrace the bad, taking away its power over you! Let go of the lies you have always told yourself! Find the truth, scream it from the rooftops, and cry no more silent tears!

Acknowledgements

Sheila Freeman: Assisting copy management and correlating—without her, this would not have been possible.

Rick Freezen (Associate pastor): Mentor, teacher, and scholar. Rick’s goodness as a man of passion and conviction helped me to reach deeper inside myself to learn, as we did, discipleship.

Katherine Gomez (BA Accounting): Inspired me to reach inside myself and find the answers! I will forever be grateful to Katherine for bringing the spirit of life back into my world.

Sharon Watson (English major): First-run editor.

Steve Scrimsher (Retired SGM): Mentor, teacher of true leadership, and friend. Steve taught me the value of listening as a leader not only to subordinates but their life’s situations as to how it can affect their performance, which is so vital in life-and-death choices.

Our Father—without him, nothing is possible!

What Compelled Me to Write This Book

The last decade of my life

    I was my worst enemy; always setting myself  up for failures by choosing to trust to much allowing love to take charge of my own courage and decide for me!  This was the beginning to the end of that old life; when I was arrested for drug possession of a twenty dollar rock of cocaine, which by the way weren’t even my drugs!

Foolish for sure!  While I was in jail My Wife, facing her own drug addiction problems, still with my own son in tow, I had with another woman during the previous decade while we were separated. My son ended up with a God fearing woman that turned my son over to the state. From this; it leads to me losing him, my youngest son. He was placed for purpose of adoption.  His brother and I never ever saw him again. The following year is when my wife passed away. That was March 8, 2007.

    Moving on now the following year, one day in November I asked my son to call the Ambulance. That day I had suffered 3 Heart attacks one was a massive coronary; where they had to paddle me three times! Yes you heard me three; separate times not all at once after another. So I died 3 times that night just by the Grace of God I came back!  Also from the same Anomaly as the doctors refereed to it I had 2 strokes as well. While in hospital due to have open heart surgery. The Anomaly was stuck inside the Aorta they had already put two stents’ in two separate artery’s

I was sent to be scoped before the open heart surgery so the doctors could figure out the best approach for the operation.  That evening after the scope at KU Medical Center their Director of Medicine entered my room along with a couple of Resident doctors and Many Students Doctors on internships. The Director informed me that the scope revealed that the Anomaly was gone! Just disappeared! Further he told me nothing of my case was making any since; I had been up walking the halls the very next day after the 3 heart attacks and 2 strokes with ease. I had only a bit of slowness in my speech.  The

Doctors stated; Everything I was able to do with no signs of facial disorder no signs of any paralysis were visible at all.  Further he went on to say In fact not one thing about your case makes any since what so ever!

    I began to laugh claiming I knew why!  Of course as an insulting to my intelegance the Director says to me Well Mr. Allbee enlightens us learned colleagues with all our years of education between us do tell us what we don’t know! I simply looked up to him and replied You’ll don’t get it because of one reason and one reason only! It’s simple you lack Faith! As I looked up to all of them I seen three of the Student interns with tears rolling down their checks and it was then that I smiled and Yelled out YES holding my fist in the air! Knowing in that moment that was why I went through this for to witness Gods so Awesome in bringing at least one person to know Christ!

    Since then I have had 4 more Strokes with only losing a portion of my sight. The last stroke I also had 4 different Clots in 4 different organs, 5 clots total, my kidneys even shut down. I was hallucinating so bad I believe from medications that I pulled out my own IV, tied up my arm to keep bleeding down then being terrified I eased my way through the hospital wondering how they made this place look so much like the Veterans hospital. I believed I was being drugged to harvest my organs and I was shaking so much scared to death as a creeper down the hall way to escape. Thank God I never noticed the fire escape just across from my room. When I was walking pass the nurses station the Head charge nurse asked me Mr. Allbee you alright? Where you think you’re going? Having tears in my eyes shaken as if freezing to death the tears now pouring out my eyes. I cried out "I…I…I don’t know where I am what’s…what’s going to happen to me. She Calmly stepped up to me held me by my arm to support me, as she took my hand placed above her breast saying feel this I am real, then took my hand put it on the wall behind me saying this is real feel that. Then she took my hand

placing it over my heart saying feel that beat you are real you are here with us at the VA Hospital you are always treated at. Just then I began to laugh, cry as I sniffled in calming my breathing as they pulled a wheel chair up under me taking me back to my room. 5 days later I was up walking around again eating solid food and my kidneys just started back on their own and all the clots in every organ was gone of which 4 of the clots were expected to bring the real possibility of my death!!!!

    So if my God can do this for me I had to take all he has taught me to share with the world for this was my destiny!

the nurses’ station, the head charge nurse asked me, Mr. Allbee, you all right? Where do you think you’re going? Having tears in my eyes, shaken as if freezing to death, the tears now pouring out my eyes, I cried out, I … I … I don’t know where I am. What’s … what’s going to happen to me? She calmly stepped up to me and held me by my arm to support me as she took my hand and placed it above her breast, saying, Feel this. I am real. Then she took my hand, put it on the wall behind me, saying, This is real. Feel that. Then she took my hand, placing it over my heart, saying, Feel that beat. You are real. You are here with us at the VA Hospital you are always treated at.

Just then, I began to laugh and cry as I sniffled in calming my breathing as they pulled a wheelchair up under me, taking me back to my room. Five days later, I was up walking around again, eating solid food, and my kidneys just started back on their own—and all the clots in every organ were gone, of which four of the clots were expected to bring the real possibility of my death.

So if my God can do this for me, I had to take all he has taught me to share with the world, for this was my destiny!

Special Honor

For anyone reading this book, a tribute must be made to Sheila, Freeman

for without her, many of the poems within would have been lost forever.

You see i have never been so good at holding on to things for postarity.

   Sheila believed in me and my poems long before i believed in thier value

For me they were just thoughts, ideas, and feelings about the things i have

witnessed and seen that always gave me pause to question.

   She collected them and even hid them away in a folder under her

matress.

   So to you alone i say this Sheila, Thank you for our many conversations;

all those questions you would ask me. Your questions always brought out

the best answers. Those answers to my own self understanding. Hence

that’s where many poems came from those moments in times with you

helping me find my epiphany’s; now here shared for this world in this book.

May this book lead a path for others to find thier own answers inside of

them! WE DID IT SHEILA…

Who I Am and What He Has Taught Me

I am no one special! I have been hated, thought of as arrogant, and have made about every mistake there is, committed about every sin that exists, not always by doing but by thought alone! There is no difference; thinking is doing. Jesus taught us that. I have felt hate enough to make myself sick, mostly to hate the devil and all his deception he makes us believe. I have broken man’s laws, went to jail. I have done my fair share of drugs and alcohol. Been cheated on by the one I loved; did my own fair share of cheating. I have stumbled through life like everyone else. I have lied to all, even tried to lie to God. Truly, we all do lie to ourselves for we are all his children of free will. A perfect creation flawed by the devil’s trickery. The one claim I can make without reservation is that I have never blamed God, nor have I ever doubted his awesome power. I have no answers; only He has them. He talks to us all each and every day when we suddenly get that feeling what would be right; that is God whispering to our souls. Not knowing what is right is where the journey begins of our own misbegotten decision. Our mistakes are the blessings to show us what is right. Everything else is just a throw of the dice, Each throw, is a different combinations. Just like the ever changing combinations of life has it’s changes; to our ever changing predestination. Here is where you can reach your destiny; your course in life is always up to you. Just be in charge of your own life! You see life has so many possibilities with all the social influences that can lead us to a different reality of our life’s; than our plans. Never give up on yourself!

What happens physically on this earth is not in God’s hands—even knowing what is to be! What are spiritual in this world are in God’s hands. Remember, the devil has free rein until he has used up his last day. It’s up to us to accept Christ as our personal savior. However, accepting is the true beginning of the journey we were meant to travel. The stumbling through life—it’s the falls that develop faith. Faith is the perfect peace inside that defeats fear. Fear is the only weapon the devil has. Everything else we give the power to the Dark One; that’s why we can never seem to see to light our way! We are our own traffic jam, cluttered by our own disbelief, giving in to the Trickster’s stupidity of his deceptions, making it ours. See how crazy we make this?

I believe