Freedom to Choose: Is Skin Color Really an Issue?

By Mary Ellen Danuser

I am in the process of writing a book about the different experiences that interracial/intercultural relationships encounter and why individuals choose to date/marry outside their race.

In my upcoming book, not only will I tell my spouses story and mine, but Ive seized the opportunity to interview a various number and range of couples to share their stories.

My resources for writing this book are interviews with random couples sharing their experiences and letting people who are considering dating/marrying outside their race know what to expect.

The couples/individuals identity in my book will remain anonymous, but the stories are true life experiences.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781499074529

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 by Mary Ellen Danuser.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2014916667

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-4990-7451-2

Softcover   978-1-4990-7453-6

eBook   978-1-4990-7452-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 09/23/2014

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgment

Introduction

Chapter 1: Mary Ellen And John

Chapter 2: Tina And Frank

Chapter 3: Tracy And Wayne

Chapter 4: Makira And Markus

Chapter 5: Patricia And Joe

Chapter 6: Richard And Ginger

Chapter 7: Joe And Alyce

Chapter 8: Kerolinn And Dewayne

Chapter 9: Shawn And Olivia

Chapter 10: Debi And Rick

Chapter 11: Mary And Claudio

Author’s Notes

Resources

Acknowledgment

First, I give thanks to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the determination, wisdom, and knowledge in writing a book that I feel should inspire the world and bring about healing to all persons regardless of race, culture, or ethnicity.

To my wonderful and loving husband, John. Thank you for your patience, input, and financial support.

Thanks to my beautiful daughter, Marko, for introducing me to the various interracial pages that gave me ideas as to how I should proceed with writing this book. With this knowledge, I have been able to personally interview couples of different races, cultures, and ethnicity who have shared their real life stories.

Thanks to Pastor Robert (who is an author himself) for allowing me the opportunity to meet with him to pick his brain for writing tips.

I would like to thank all those who contributed their stories to this effort. Because some of you want to remain anonymous for your own reasons, I respect your privacy. I want you to know how deeply grateful I am to you for your willingness to share your stories with me.

Introduction

I am very partial to interracial/ethnic love as it mirrors our relationship. Let me be clear; this book is not about just black-and-white relationships, but multicultural relationships. When it comes to interracial relationships, it goes beyond black and white.

There may be some folks who find this book to be offensive. This book is not meant to offend anyone, but to enlighten society as to the reasons that individuals choose to become involved with someone outside their race or culture and the beauty that can be found within these relationships.

I will share with you experiences within relationships—how couples were treated by family, friends, and outsiders who did not approve of their relationships. I would like to emphasize that each chapter has been compiled using the words or thoughts that each couple shared with me, and in no way are these words altered. Also, the names in the couples’ chapters are fictitious.

My spouse, John, and I believe that it is not the color of one’s skin but the person within (he coined that phrase!) There is beauty within interracial relationships, and it is one’s choice whom they choose as their mate. We should not let society dictate as to whom we choose to spend our lives with. This is just my personal opinion on the subject of interracial relationships.

The definition of color-blind: Showing or characterized by freedom from racial bias.

• The only people who cannot see their mate’s color are people who are blind. Even a blind person can ask their mate what color they are.

• Love can be color blind. I do not feel that there is anything wrong with seeing your mate’s color. True love looks beyond the color and into his/her heart. This is the way God meant for it to be.

• There are so many positive and beautiful aspects of a person’s color and ethnicity. There is nothing wrong with seeing the external appearance and discovering that unique attraction.

• A color-blind society is an unrealistic notion that someone came up with as a way to solve racism where we all just pretend that we can’t see color even though it is impossible not to. I hear many people refer to dating outside their race as color-blind love. Are these people saying that I do not see your color, but I know you do not look like me but I still love you? That is an oxymoron because one does see a person’s skin pigmentation. To choose someone to love outside your race is a choice and not based on skin complexion (whether light-skinned or dark-skinned).

• If we are to stop racism, then we should fight to change society so that we do not associate negative stereotypes to a person after we see a person’s skin. Seeing a person’s skin color is natural. Associating negative stereotypes to that color is the problem.

I have interviewed interracial married couples, unmarried couples, couples with children, and couples without children to share their life experiences on interracial relationships by age, race, geographical locations, ethnicity, and occupation.

As you read this book, you will find that people are together because they truly care about each other and not because of any insecurities or injustices done to them. Some people will argue that the black man is with the white woman to prove a point to the white man and the black woman. Perhaps that could be true, but hopefully, the black man chooses someone outside his race because he truly loves that woman and is attracted to her. In addition, hopefully, the same is true of the white woman.

What about the black woman venturing outside her race? Is she to be considered a traitor or sellout to her race? I have heard this said over and over: Why has she ventured outside of her race? In my opinion, it is definitely not because I hate the black man! I love my black men, but sometimes in life, there comes a time when that special someone walks into your life and you just have to look beyond what color he is. That is my take! There were times that were harder for me, and then there were times that I just did not care what people thought. All I knew was that I was with the man that I loved, and he loved and respected me as his wife, friend, confidante, companion—not just his plaything.

Some people think that a white man is with a black woman for just sex. I interviewed and explored the reasons a person desires to be in an interracial relationship. There will be unbelievable stories from couples about what they have experienced as they walk their path of life together.

Interracial relationships are different from other same race relationships. The issues are different because of the cultural differences in each race and how these people are stereotyped by society. However, there will be the same conflicts and differences of opinions and personalities that you find in a same race relationship.

My spouse and I deal with the cultural differences often. But at the end of the day, we talk out our differences, and we do not choose to pretend that our differences do not exist. In handling our cultural differences, we have attended a Christian marriage conference several times in our marriage to stay in God’s word and commit ourselves to ONENESS, God’s way.

John and I have been exposed to hateful disapproving looks/stares from both black people and white people, but the stares/looks are not limited to just blacks and whites. Some of the stares could be construed as curiosity stares, but they were stares. In several situations, we have been ignored when we show up at certain events, which I will share with you later.

Yes, we have experienced many animosities; but at the end of the day, we remain determined to stay together no matter what society thinks. The black woman/white man relationship has been a challenge for society to accept—it’s common to see a black man/white woman relationship because this relationship blend has been going on for years. Throughout my interviews with couples, I’ve discovered that the non-white man and white woman still today receive the stares and disapproving looks.

CHAPTER 1

MARY ELLEN AND JOHN

I am black, and John is white with Scandinavian and European ancestry. His eleventh great-grandfather came over on the Mayflower. We live in the Mid-Rocky Mountain area of the United States. We met in 1995, started dating in 1996, and married in 2001. We both have been previously married within the same race. We are semiretired seniors in our sixties. We are part-time independent financial analysts. John is a retired Marine officer, having been a pilot and flight instructor for years. I am a twelve-year army veteran and a retired insurance professional. I have one adult daughter, and John has three adult daughters and one adult son.

John and I met while working together at an incredible financial-service company. We became mutual friends as well as professional coworkers—he was very knowledgeable in the business, and I would talk with him from time to time relating to business matters. We shared vendor events, went to appointments together, and consulted with each other about the business.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR OR DESTINY?

As time went by, our relationship blossomed into more than just business coworkers and friends. One particular time, I had the opportunity to place a business advertisement in one of the daily newspapers; I shared this advertisement with John. We were standing talking to each other, and he turned to me, put his arm around my waist, and complimented me on the advertisement. Another incident that I can recall was when I was scheduled to have nasal surgery, and I mentioned this to him. John acknowledged my surgery by saying, I will be thinking about you even though I will be training my guys. (He taught in flight simulators.) Those words really warmed my heart! By then, my mind was thinking, What is up with this guy?

On another occasion, John was absent from the office for several weeks. I wondered where he was and what had happened to him. I could not ask anyone where he was because I did not want to appear obvious to others. After several weeks, he showed up at the office, and I was so happy to see him! We approached each other, and for some reason, we gave each other a hug! It appeared that we both were so glad to see each other!

Gradually, as time passed, I