Hope: Live Life...

By Deanne Winter

About The Book

Hope, is a continuation of; My Special Place, and My Special Place, Today. It is the memoirs of a small girl growing up in a highly dysfunctional family where unity between parents and children doesnt exist. This young girl succumbs to traumas and tragedies that lead her down a path where she is deluged with mental illness. Does she deem herself unfit to be a loving daughter, mother, and wife? Yet throughout her life she struggles to understand the spirituality of her faith. Through her faith in God she reaches out to people of all kinds, the sick, the healthy, the intelligent, and also the happy and the sad. Deannes life continues to take her through those times that break her heart with bouts of major depression and anxiety. But with each episode Deanne finds the strength to overcome her illness through the many mental health workers, her friends and her family and through Our Lord Jesus Christ. Her journeys are heart wrenching and truthful with the subtlety of human emotion.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 23, 2009
• ISBN: 9781467049139

Deanne Winter

About The Author Deanne Winter is new to the world of being a novelist. She has published two novels based on her own life that takes her from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood. Deanne has now finished her latest book; Hope. Her story takes her through a spiritual journey which empowers the love of her family. Throughout her life Deanne has also dealt with levels of deep depression and anxiety. Deanne comes to understand that her mental illness will never completely disappear, but her faith in God helps her call for help when needed. Deanne receives ECT Treatment otherwise known as Electro-Convulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments. Deanne receives these treatments on a permanent basis to help her deal with her major depression and anxiety. Along with her treatments Deanne has been able to find Hope in her life today. With the help of family, friends, her faith, and her mental health team, Deanne sees hope throughout her daily routines. Deanne has trouble when trying to voice her feelings. She finds herself becoming very anxious and may stumble with words and how she wants to say things. But through her written word Deanne feels that she is able to say exactly how she feels about her life and has learned to deal with the everyday nuances that riddle her days asking help through her faith in God. With prayer, church, and friends Deanne is able to see Hope in her future. With the idea of having Hope, Deanne understands that her major depression and anxiety may not disappear completely but it will help.

Book preview

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Epilogue

About The Author

The Beauty of the White Lily

AuthorHouse™

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© 2009 Deanne Winter. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 2/18/2009

ISBN: 978-1-4389-4184-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4670-4913-9 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Acknowledgements

Many people have made a difference in my life. I cannot name them all because there are so many. What I would like to say is that God has taken me on several spiritual journeys where I have met many people. These people have been so full of affection and kindness when they have heard my story. They have boosted my courage, letting me know that I can conquer whatever challenge I choose to follow. I have met a great deal of people whose lives have joined with mine.

There have been many people throughout my life who have helped me comprehend life through spirituality, tolerance, and healing. As a young child and adolescent I did not understand the many consequences attempting reality. I questioned many emotional feeling in which I sense a heartfelt wisdom. I learned a faith where at times I would question that faith. Yet I became endowed with an internal faith giving me strength when dealing with the pressing actions of others. I wish to thank my children for showing me the innocence of a love I never want to abandon. I wish to thank my treatment team for showing me what I have to live for even though I had times I did not wish to accept the idea of life. And Lastly I wish to thank my husband whom without, I would not be here. He has continually guided me through a life of constant love and understanding without which I cannot conceive to be.

I have many friends who share the joys and the sorrows life brings our way.

Maryanne, Pauline, Jeanne, Debbie, Mitzy, Claire, Mickey, Kay, and Laura, people from the Sacred Heart Thrift Store where I volunteer, have reached out to me when I show up on Mondays. Since my volunteering, I have been befriended with a fellowship in helping others.

The ECT Treatment Team is ever so patient and kind. They are full of good cheer whenever I arrive for treatment. They have helped me to reach out inside myself and not give up the fight…. I must battle to win. They are: Nancy and Claire, the nurses, Dr. Young and Dr. Alesker, the psychiatrists: Dr. Redd and Dr. Lempert, the anesthesiologists. Without their help, I would still be at a crossroads with my depression and anxiety.

My Treatment Team has supported me for several years. Whenever I need help I only need to make a phone call and they will be there to listen. They are filled with much patience. There have been so many times that I truly feel desperate. They know my history and they know how to deal with my intense emotions. They have taught me one of my hardest lessons, how to communicate. Debbie, my social worker and also my friend, Dr. Figman, my psychiatrist, helps me deal on an intellectual level. He helps me think when I don’t feel adept at thinking.

My Family, who have been through everything with me and still support me. For many years they have shared my battles. They give me the love I never had as a child. They give me compassion and understanding when I need it the most.

My Family is: Stu, Joshua & Tina, Morgan, Amy & Sean, Benjamin & Caity, Susan & James, Bobby & Chris, my Dad and Jane, Doug & Barbara, and Marilyn & Dave and my Mom.

We will always remain family. Family means everything to me.

My true friends have always supported me. I also have new friends whom I have met. Some I have met through day treatment programs and some are old friends from school days at the Academy.

My Friends are: Mary R., Sue, Arlene, Judy, Sr. Eugenia, Mercedes, Nancy B., Denise W, Maureen B. and Mary R., Daly, Diane F., Paula R., Gil & Danielle, and Russell & Donna. Friends are a very special part of healing along with family. When I have sad times and I need support family and friends are the ones to whom I turn.

My most important acknowledgement is my spirituality. Without it, how could I have followed the paths set before me, bringing me closer to home?

My Life has been filled with many wrong turns. Along with wrong turns I have made many bad choices. Yet through the tedious trials of life I have learned much. My heart and my soul have been filled with an intense love ever so humble. I still struggle at times but all I need do is to reach out to my Savoir and he will put me on the right path again. I never want to sway from my path that I have been given from my Heavenly Savoir. I must always challenge my choices and decisions with questions of the Holy Father. I must answer true.

While I end my story with a Thank-You for all the many people who have helped from my times as a child through adolescence and into my adult years. I have not nearly acknowledged everyone that has been an important part of my life. If I have forgotten any names who shared in my life I apologize regretfully.

Introduction

With my last book: My Special Place, Today, I ended with my having been admitted into Caritas Norwood Hospitals psyche unit in Norwood, Ma. I left off with having been there three weeks having a series of ECT Treatments three days a week.

Since being admitted to Caritas Norwood there has been a significant change in my condition due to the ECT Treatments. One thing I did accomplish was to finish reading, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, also author of The Kite Runner. Both books were expertly written. Each book showed the atrocities of war on the average family. I found them both very heart rending, many tears were shed. I tend to get very emotional with movies and books that show human emotions such as The Kite Runner." I see real people and how they deal with life.

Stephen has said that he will be here on Friday and Monday. Monday is Martin Luther King Day and Stephen has the day off from work. I so much want to see him but then I feel the burden I place upon him. Maybe he has errands or chores he wants to do. By visiting me I am not helping him. I feel selfish thinking of myself when I should think of my husband and our children.

I want to attend all the groups today and tomorrow. I haven’t made all the groups yet. I was woken up by a mental health worker early this morning because of a dream I was having. He had to call out my name and tap me on my shoulder. I was angry in my dream. I was yelling out in my sleep. I don’t know if I was being understood in my dreams. At home I have lots of dreams where I start yelling out in my sleep and Stephen has to shake me awake. I guess this is what happened last night but I was not home with Stephen. These dreams are often part of my fears in dealing with my life. I wake yelling out but after a short time I will fall back to sleep usually forgetting my dream.

Yesterday I had another ECT. My neck and shoulders are so achy this morning. I don’t ever remember being so achy after an ECT treatment. I’m going to ask for more Tylenol again. It didn’t help last night. I didn’t really sleep well last night. It’s about 6:30am right now and they don’t open the showers, laundry room, or phones until 7:30am. So I have to wait a little while. I guess I don’t mind waiting not like other patients who become uncontrollable if they have to wait even for a second. Usually patience is something that I have a hard time dealing with. I want things to happen making me better. I don’t want to wait because it only brings frustration and my anxiety goes crazy in my mind and also physically. As always my legs are jumping and I can’t stop biting my nails and cuticles until they’re so sore they begin to bleed. I do this unconsciously aware until I feel the pain. I don’t know how I can stop?

Coming up on my third week my psychiatrist Dr. Alesker thought that I may be able to get discharged. With the discharge I would continue my ECT Treatments on an outpatient basis every Friday. With time my treatments would go from weekly into bi-weekly as I start to become better able to handle myself. Eventually I would work up to every three weeks and finally a permanent regimen of once a month.

Some days seem to be off to a good start. I shower, receive my meds, have breakfast and call Stephen at work.

It looks cold outside. They said there is a lot of black ice. I hate driving with black ice. I told Stephen that I would check in with him again around noontime, that’s if the phone is not being used.

I will try to make groups today. As I was just walking to opening meeting I met my psychiatrist and she stopped to tell me that everything should be set for out-patient ECT Treatments. She said that she read some of my poems and thought that they were beautiful. I thanked her.

At opening groups the patients try to talk about issues that are hindering their abilities and about how having certain abilities might help them feel better about themselves. I almost always say that I want to do some journaling of which I have been lax in lately. At the opening group the group leader will ask for volunteers to help clean the tables, straighten out the chairs and throw away the trash. I tried to volunteer along with another patient to clean-up the dining room after meals or other odd jobs to help me keep busy. Sometimes I follow through with these odd jobs and sometimes I just don’t have the motivation.

I had a big breakfast this morning so I will try to stay away from snacks that I don’t need. Every time that I become depressed and anxious I tend to eat more than I should. I think it is mainly to do with stress and anxiety. This time I am going to try and control my urges to eat too much.

Tomorrow I am scheduled with another ECT. I hope I’m not all achy again after it’s done. Since taking diazepam and a couple of Tylenol after the ECT I felt less achy. I just tried to call my therapist Debbie but she wasn’t in work today. She won’t be back until Monday, which is a holiday but I guess she has to work. I also called Stephen again, but its Thursday. He will be in his meetings with the Oregon plant all afternoon again. Stephen always dreads his Thursdays. He feels that the meetings keep him from accomplishing important work he could get done.

Dreams why do I always have to dream? Last night I dreamt that I was hanging on a cliff and I kept trying to call for help. The words wouldn’t come out. I hate my dreams, they’ve never gone away. My dreams always comeback when I least expect them to.

I will call Stephen tonight. I will tell him to bring me a journal and another book to read the one we purchased at Borders before I was admitted to Caritas Norwood. I am an avid reader as I have always been, and I hate this journal from the hospital. It is nothing but a composition book like the kind we were given in school. The outside cover is like black and white marble. They are not hardcover which makes it difficult to hold up when printing lying down. Every time I write in this journal the pages bend and fold so my writing is not always neat. I like a nice firm hard cover journal with lined pages. I also don’t care for spirals because they seem to fall apart easily.

I will call Aimee again tomorrow, about the same time as today. I know she’ll be working but she might get a lunch break. After dinner tonight I will call my sister, Carol. She should be home from work, and I want to call Stephen before he falls asleep.

I’ve been sleeping all day. When Stephen came to visit he brought me the book I wanted. The one I just finished, I am going to send Aimee. Aimee enjoys reading as I do. I guess she takes after me in that regards. I am trying to get back into my journaling. Stephen asks me how I am doing. I tell him okay. I don’t want to lie and say I am doing great. I tell him that I am managing. I seem to have the ability to keep myself stable for the moment.

I have been having ECT’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I am actually starting to feel less depressed. I have mentioned it to Dr. Alesker when I checked in with her. It looks as though I may be getting discharged on Friday after this next regimen of ECT Treatments. I am looking forward to it. Dr. Alesker told me that I would be coming in on Friday mornings to have my outpatient ECT’s. I cannot eat or drink anything after midnight. I am allowed to take my blood pressure and my acid reflex medication in the morning with just a sip of water. The rest of my medication I can take after the ECT. I am also not allowed to drive the day of the ECT and I am supposed to rest afterwards because I will most likely be sleepy from the anesthesia.

After being discharged from Caritas Norwood Hospital I will go home to many responsibilities I need to handle. Just knowing the workload I face makes my anxiety explode within me. I feel as though I will be climbing Mt. Everest and not succeeding very well. I feel myself a loser. I cannot get mad at Stephen. He had everything he could to do with me being in the hospital. I will have to start slowly with getting the house back in order. I wouldn’t get anywhere if I let my anxiety win the fight to top Mt. Everest. And so my days will be busy while I try to organize the house again.

Prologue

From reading my story beginning as a young child my naivety would take me into a world I did not understand. You would find me meeting people with all different traits and personalities. From these people I needed to learn survival skills. Being so naïve, I could not recognize the difference between what was good and what was bad. I was unsure on how to deal with these internal traits. I tried to learn by watching how others dealt with life, thinking that maybe I could follow their characteristics, and their reactions for pursuing certain obstacles from getting in the way.

My depression started to become a big part of my life the older I grew. As my depression heightened I was not aware of the changes actually happening to me. I always seemed to feel sad, unloved, and unwanted. I tried to act out in ways I thought were emotionally good.

My mother being a very religious person, as I have shown in my earlier books would constantly threaten God’s wrath upon us kids. I always wanted to do what I considered the right thing. Through my days of innocence I didn’t quite understand the many things that would happen to me. Finally I drew myself to the conclusion that I was not a good person. I told myself that this was why I would get into trouble.

I wanted to please people but I could not perfect my capabilities. I was always judging myself. The more I judged myself the more I came to hate myself. The fear of punishment lurked about my mind. It was like hiding behind a tree. As long as I wasn’t found I couldn’t be punished, but it never worked, I would always be found. There’s the little monster. What are you doing there? Are you looking for trouble? Well you’ve found it. Get out from there and get your chores done, my mother would sneer at me. My head always hung low. I would pray to God to please help me be good. I would tell him that I didn’t want to be bad. I wanted to do what was right. At times I would look at my mother without her noticing my glances. When it came to my brothers, sisters, and me she would have a glare about her eyes. She did not like to smile. Yet I did notice when the neighbors stopped over for coffee and a chat, my mother would seem to change. All of a sudden she would talk and even laugh. I thought, what’s wrong with us kids? What are we doing wrong? It just didn’t make sense to me. Even today I have episodes where I think about my mother and her actions past and present. I recently was admitted to a psyche unit at a hospital. I know what depression is now but I am not able to control it like I wish to do. And so my saga continues.

My first book called; My Special Place, talks about my childhood into adolescence. My second book; My Special Place Today, takes you through my years as an adult. Through my stories I have tried to be candid with the reader, showing you my ups and downs.

With this my new book, I have taken a new approach to my life. I have tried to bring myself into following a new path where I am growing in spirituality. I am finding this new idea of a spiritual co-existence with God strengthening my soul. I am finding myself more and more capable of making conversation with strangers, and people like myself, where once my tongue was unable to utter a single word, to express, and to share my ideas. It is still a difficult task but I am trying harder. My leg still shakes, sometimes I stutter and I find it difficult to look at people as I talk. The important thing is that I am trying.

Through my stories my only wish is to reach out and help others whose lives may mirror my own. There are multitudes of people who are suffering and struggling to bring consistency to their lives. Mental Illness wreaks havoc with the human mind. I want to reveal to those suffering that there is hope and there is help through our eternal Father.

Chapter One

HERE I AM TODAY PREPARING myself ready for discharge. I will be sad leaving the one roommate with