Breakdown to Break Through: A Story of Hope

By Linda Perrotti

A riveting spectacle of a woman caught in the darkening madness of mania, wandering aimlessly in a river and into a home where she was brutally attacked and her dignity stripped away as she was handcuffed by police. There were years of manic attacks, psychiatric hospitals, much despair and hopelessness. She was caught in the snares of mental illness. Read of her incredible journey to wellness with medical assistance, an incredible support system, and her ever-deepening faith. Through perseverance and hope, she rose to the ranks of a pillar of hope in Breckenridge, Colorado; Summit County; and other far-reaching communities. Read her story. Heed her message of "don't give up!" Her courage needs to be imitated. Her experiences have brought deeper meaning in life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 29, 2018
• ISBN: 9781643002019

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Introduction

Gratitudes

The Good News

Chapter One: Manic Attack 1 I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can

Manic Episode I

Chapter Two: Final Destination

Chapter Three: Scale the Mountain

Chapter Four: Manic Attack 2Movin' On Out

Chapter Five: Healing Virtues Courage

Introduction to Hope

Chapter Six: My Fellow Brothers and Sisters

Chapter Seven: 3Gs Generosity, Gratitude, Grace

Chapter Eight: Presentations Father Dyer Church January and June 2015

Chapter Nine: Manifestations 1 and 2

Chapter Ten: Spirituality

Chapter Eleven: Manic Attack 3

Chapter Twelve: With Brave Wings She Flew

Chapter Thirteen: Suicide

Chapter Fourteen: Suffering

Chapter Fifteen: Healing the Souls Hurt After Loss James Miller The Experience of Aloneness — A Pilgrimage Through Grief: Healing the Soul's Hurt After Loss, James E. Miller

Chapter Sixteen: Enduring the Difficulties

Chapter Seventeen: Pull the Trigger Bipolar or Feistiness?

Chapter Eighteen: Mindfulness (The Practice)

Chapter Nineteen: Contentment The Peace That Surpasses All Understanding

Chapter Twenty: I'm Just the Messenger. It's Not Who We Are That Holds Us Back, It's Who We Think We're Not.

Chapter Twenty-One: How Do I Measure My Life

Chapter Twenty-Two: There but for the Grace of God Go I! Soul Food for the Soul!

Chapter Twenty-Three: Love

Chapter Twenty-Four: Joy

Chapter Twenty-Five: Loving Life

Chapter Twenty-Six: Imagination—Dreaming

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Sixteen Candles Plus Fifty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Afterthoughts Another Detour

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Favorite Prayers

Bibliography

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Break Through

Linda Perrotti

Breakdown

to

A Story of Hope

Dedication

ISBN 978-1-64300-200-2 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64300-201-9 (Digital)

Copyright © 2018 Linda Perrotti

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

I dedicate this book to Mary Kay M.K. my daughter and child of God. You never wavered in your attempt to find solutions for my mental illness. You were vigilant, hopeful, and loving in your pursuit to find wellness for me. Your efforts, your commitment to me has brought me to a place of peace, mental stability, joy, and a heart full of gratitude.

Namaste,

Mama

Acknowledgement

Cookie Frances Leveille

Thank you for planting a seed of hope; may we be gardeners of love and healing.

It is with utmost gratitude that I acknowledge my three angels residing at Covenant Books.

LaDonna and Stacy, my acquisition agents, welcomed me, guided me and encouraged this first-time author.

Because of you, the publishing of my book was a blessing.

Dear Kris,

God knew what he was doing when you were assigned as my publishing assistant. Your expertise, your patience, your kind and agreeable nature allowed me to sail through the process.

In my heart of hearts, I know I've acquired a new and loyal friend. My first publishing venture was a positive experience due to the knowledge, character, integrity, and altruism of its team.

Covenant Books is the embodiment of a first-rate publishing venue where professionalism and service prevailed.

To the Covenant staff, thank you for helping to make a dream come true. May God bless you abundantly.

Introduction

The mentally ill are overlooked and undervalued by society, but not by God. Mental illness is rampant. God is in the business of elevating hearts!

Let's soar in His love. It doesn't get any better.

Choices! How do we choose to live our life? Most people have not given this question much thought. Sadly, this is one question that could change the trajectory of our lives for the better.

My story is about my battle with mental illness; it is also about my healings and breakthroughs. I squandered many years of my life wandering aimlessly, year after year. In the past, this would have saddled me with painful regrets. With my everlasting and continual spiritual transformation, I'm deeply indebted to God. In the scripture, the number 8 is synonymous with new beginnings. Yes, I embrace the number 8 and God. He gave me a new beginning—one so blessed, so meaningful, and so purposeful. AMEN!

Persevering during the dark nights of our soul brings us to a path of light and love. Once I allowed God to be the center of my life, it was like popcorn in a microwave—blessings exploding everywhere.

As I grow older, I've become more of an observer of life as opposed to a participant. There is an aimlessness among our young people. Their lives are encompassed in a vacuum. Some mental illness is chemically based. Most, I believe, stems from lack of a spiritual foundation—our population stands on victimology. The drugs, alcohol, sexual aberrations, broken relationships, and a mantle of purposelessness are telling. They distort one's reality. Day after day, we pass by the walking dead. The vacant stares speak to the empty souls. It's an epidemic! Our generation has a flagrant disregard for anything that smacks of God. Faith is sorely lacking in so many lives. They have no spiritual foundation. They have nowhere to turn for direction, solace, or guidance.

I am saddened and embarrassed by the world's state of affairs; also, by the state of affairs in my own backyard. If faith and spirituality are to become nonexistent, what recourse will we have other than to give our world back to God? Mental illness is, in part, a response to our society's ills. We have abused it, ignored it, and above all, ridiculed it. For the most part, our world has been treated with disdain and irreverence. We need to take it back.

My life had no meaning, no direction, until I started attending church, reading scripture, and associating with godly people. Those of you who are downtrodden, lost, and purposeless, pay heed to my formula for mental health. Trust! It changed my life. God shows no favoritism. He loves us all equally. He is your answer. He was and is mine. Take the first step toward healing, take the first step toward loving yourself.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, He said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life (John 8:12).

Light and darkness make an interesting study, as any artist or photographer would agree. Just think of it…even the tiniest light will expel darkness, but still, you have that light. Nothing, save closing your eyes to it, can eliminate its glow.

In a world that increasingly champions sin and evil, Jesus's promise is especially encouraging. He proclaims that He is the light of the world and that whoever follows Him will never walk in darkness. What a wonderful way to live…in the light of Jesus.

When the light of Jesus enters in, darkness disappears, and his light shines to make our lives a work of art. Hope, joy, and peace are yours for the asking.

WHERE THE MIND GOES, THE MAN FOLLOWS!

As a first time, published author, I had no idea what my pen would say or where it would take me. Yes, I would write about mental illness, but I would also elaborate on love, compassion, courage, and spirituality.

As I found myself deeper into this book, something magical and poignant began to evolve from my heart; a deep reverence for life was unfolding. I was to become a messenger. I felt responsible for my fellow man in so many untold ways. A strong benevolent source had an impact on me since page one. This book was meant to be. This book was meant to become an oasis in the desert.

I witnessed my brain becoming an integral facet of the book. The brain can be fascinating, complicated, and astute. Its contribution to my writing was invaluable and necessary.

The brain is a mechanism to be respected. The magnitude of its purpose and function in my writing efforts was unheralded. Time and time again, it spewed timely and pertinent information. Its words, sentences, and thoughts came at appropriate, sometimes desperate times.

At the breakdown phase of my life, I found it painful to write. I was engulfed in a quagmire of pain, confusion, and hopelessness. The breakthrough phase was magical. It was fun and soulful. Gratitude was on my tongue daily. Many blessings came my way. Writing about my teaching experiences reinstated my worth—my trips to Imagine Garden and Mr. Duck tapped into my whimsical nature. I became a dreamer.

In sharing my story, may you begin to orchestrate yours. You, too, can discover your breakthrough. Unleash the power within. As days, weeks, and years passed by, I knew I was the writer, but who was the author? Yes, yes, God!

May this book find you, heal you, inspire you, and enlighten you. Above all, may it give you hope. Joy is my companion. It can be yours too.

Do not let the cruelty toward your illness crush your spirit. We are Paracletes. We are called to aid one another. We must cling to one another as we all are on a spiritual quest.

Awaken Me to Love This Day

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Why Do I Write?

I write because it unleashes the passion within me—passion for God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I write to give hope to those in pain, to those who have lost their way. I write to share with you my journey—incredible darkness followed by healing light and love. I write to demonstrate my immense gratitude to those beautiful souls who lent me a helping hand along the way, especially those teachers who taught this student so many valuable lessons.

Why do I write? Most importantly, I write to tell you who I am!

PS: I write because it feeds my soul!

I'm still learning and striving to be a positive example for those struggling with mental illness. Consciously or not, we are all imparting lessons. May we all attempt to teach other.

Who Am I?

A woman who found God and didn't intend to.

A woman who has experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding in so many ways.

A woman who has searched for a deeper meaning in life and continues to do so.

A woman who awakens each morning, knowing I will be cared for.

A woman who knows her suffering was not in vain. It brought her to new heights of love, compassion, and joy.

A woman who knows we must cling to hope—it is our lifesaver in turbulent times.

A woman who knows God shows no favoritism. He loves us equally.

A woman who believes evil is a result of lack of self-love.

A woman who believes evil can be eradicated with the power of prayer worldwide, along with being tough and vigilant on our part.

A woman who believes that whatever life we choose, we should live it to the fullest.

I see myself having a consciousness of oneness with the presence and power of God. I see myself ever aware of the power of God within me as the source of everything I desire. I see myself confidently calling upon the presence to supply my every need. I love all expressions of God unconditionally, knowing the truth of all that is. I walk through life with the happy companionship of my Godself and joyfully express the goodness I am. My wisdom and understanding of the spirit increases, and I express more fully each day, the inner beauty and strength of my true being.

Divine order is ever present in my experience, and there is plenty of time for all that I choose to do. I express wisdom, understanding, and love in all my dealings with others, and my words are divinely guided. I see my consciousness of spiritual abundance expressing as plenty—plenty to use for good in my world. I see myself expressing the creative energy of Spirit in my work, writing and speaking words of truth easily and with depth of understanding, wisdom. Fun uplifting ideas flow through my consciousness for joyful expression, and I follow through on the ideas received, bringing them into full manifestation. So it is.

A woman who expresses her desires, a woman who is willing to ask, a woman who states her intentions and a woman with a hardening of the will.

We are all entitled to an abundant life.

ASK

What Is My Life Purpose?

My life's purpose extends beyond writing, speaking, and teaching. It became apparent that all the detours and downturns on my path were meant to bring me to my spiritual destination, self-love, and love of my neighbor. I am to be my best self in the present moment. Each and every one of use has an equally important purpose. When we are working on it, all aspects of our lives become healed. We feel happier and healthier. Even our finances improve.

In contrast, when we're not working on this calling, there's a chronic low-level sense of anxiety because we unconsciously know that we're missing the mark. Our angels orchestrated a life mission that would help others and be emotionally rewarding. This role also ensures soul growth for us and comes with a guarantee that we'll be completely supported as we fulfill it.

Everyone's mission has the same underlying element of love. In essence, we are all here to learn, remember, and teach this powerful emotion. Every action we take demonstrates either fear or love. When we choose the path of love, we grow spiritually, help others, and balance our karma. The question we need to answer relates to which form our path of love will take.

Life Purpose

Author

You have a book inside you that wishes to be expressed. Take the time to write it.

For a long time, I've had the thought of writing a book. This endeavor is part of my life's purpose. I tap into the divine infinite wisdom while writing, which will help me better hear the voice of God and the angels.

Heart's Desires

The angels are supporting, guiding, and protecting me as my dreams become a reality. What does my heart desire? I was at an important juncture in my life. It was time to make decisions about what I wanted. Once I clearly pinpointed my deepest desires and knew that I deserved them, the doors of opportunity easily opened for me.

Infinite Abundance

We are fully supported as we devote ourselves to the divine life purpose. As we focus upon being of service and following our inner guidance, our needs are taken care of. The more we can let go of worry and trust in the universe's infinite abundance, the faster the flow of infinite abundance comes to us. Prayer and positive feelings improve situations, while worry worsens everything. Let us give any concerns over to God and the angels for healing.

Abundance comes to us in unexpected ways. Let us devote our thoughts and actions to following the voice within us—it's the voice of our answered prayer. All prayers are heard and answered. Let us listen, especially to the response that comes in the form of intuition.

Speaker

My life purpose involves my skills of oration.

My dream of being a professional speaker is more than a dream. It has become a reality. I have much to share with others, and I found the best way to reach an audience is on the speaker's platform. I have learned to enjoy being a public speaker. My purpose involves a public arena, and that I'm well-suited to bring blessings to a wide audience.

Teacher

I inspire young people to learn. Part of my life's purpose is to help and support them. Young people respond to a genuine nature, and they recognize our inner child, which helps us relate to and understand them. More than ever before, children need trustworthy and loving adults to act as shepherds and teachers. I was drawn to this work.

My teaching work with children encompassed some aspect of spirituality. I continually incorporated some aspect of spirituality. I incorporated many lessons that taught self-love, mostly through art, music, and children's literature. I enabled children to keep their spiritual gifts alive and awaken new interests.

Writing

My intention in my writing is to heal, inspire, teach, and entertain. In many ways, there has been validation of my dream to be a writer. Many writers have been encouraged to explore writing as a career path. This involves some self-discipline on my part, as I will need to spend time engaged in this activity on a daily basis. Writing is an art, not a science. Therefore, it can never be completely perfect. My ego may whisper fears and insecurities that make me procrastinate about a writing project. Here, I pray for confidence, clarity, and motivation.

Gratitudes

To Tracy and Angela—I honor you. You are masterful with the keyboard. As my typists, you embraced my words and typed my story with purpose and love. I am grateful to you both for making my story come alive.

To my readers—I honor you. To Monica, Cinda, Robyn, and Ellen, who religiously screened my work. Their commitment to the process always brought forth constructive words and a desire to make my story more readable. Their mantra, Keep Writing! was invaluable to me when writer's block reared its ugly head.

Two individuals who would never let me quit—Cinda and, my biggest fan, my sister Debbie. Repeated outbursts of I can't do this Anymore fell on deaf ears. I was readily and constantly made aware that writing this book was my purpose. Because of Cinda's and Debbie's faith in me, my story will be told.

Another group instrumental in my endeavor was the Father Dyer Women's Book Club. The repeated chants of I can't wait to read your book was a game changer.

A book is only as good as its cover. My dear Emily, when I approached you to do the cover of my book, you were reluctant. You didn't think you were good enough. God and I knew differently. Your time and talent brought forth the message I was hoping for. May your life be filled with many Breakthroughs. The cover is exactly what God intended it to be. It reflects my message.

To my graphic artists, Anita and Karen. Your lettering on the front cover makes me smile. Your layout on the back cover makes me smile even more. You won me over with the dragonflies.

To Gretchen, a calligrapher like no other. Her style and grace pour forth into her lettering. She is a consummate artist, who possesses the talent to make bland letters become a vision of beauty.

Gracias,

Linda

The universe gave me a mission and I accept.

The Good News

As I began to heal from so many breakdowns, the emergence of breakthroughs came to me in so many forms, in so many ways, from so many places. One facet of my personality that presented itself over a lifetime was my desire to share good news with others.

I have been blessed to become acquainted with beautiful poignant and healing words. I have dispersed throughout this book inspirational passages that have touched my soul. May they touch yours. I pray that these words bring love, solace, and healing. Sometimes one word can turn a life around.

Linda Perrotti

You are not only good yourself, but the cause of goodness in others.

—Socrates

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing;

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

—St. Teresa of Avila (1515–1582)

Be gentle, truthful, and fearless.

—Gandhi

Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy.

—Saadi

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Chapter One

Manic Attack 1

I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can

Manic Episode I

I headed for the river. I jumped in and began swimming with intensity. I felt an unknown force pulling me forward. With every movement of my arms, I cast a piece of jewelry off to the side every few minutes. God is waiting for me at the end of that river, along with other chosen people. There are spiritual leaders from all over the world waiting for me!

For several weeks prior, I had had a vision of being one of God's chosen people. Up to that moment, I had carried on with my daily routine, but there was an ever-present aura of specialness and godliness I couldn't ignore. With each passing day, the vision became more authentic, vivid, and appealing. It was very grandiose, yet very real to me. My entire being focused on the spiritual life that awaited me.

The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, sopping wet, with a crazed look glued to my face…the man of the house hovered over me—his eyes ablaze with anger and rage as he repeatedly kicked me in the head. I thought he was going to kill me. Apparently, I had run out of the river and pushed my way into a nearby home. Although I wasn't fully aware of my actions at the time, I had enough insight to know that I would be an embarrassment to my children. I knew I had hit rock bottom…

Looking for love in all the wrong places—these lyrics summed up my life, postdivorce. There was a hole in my soul, and repeated attempts to fill the hole left me empty and disillusioned. I spent much time and money seeking professional help, to no avail.

My divorce resonated within the need for punishment. On all counts, I was a failure. This mantra played out repeatedly in all areas of my life. I was continually told I was beautiful, intelligent, and special. I wasn't integrating any of these comments into my belief system. Accumulated negative baggage proved to be the culprit. I longed for a loving support system—it never materialized. I was on my own, and years later, this damaging comment—failure—would yield to such unparalleled love, peace, and joy.

I was dating a highly respected professional man. The relationship was friendly, not serious. On one of our times together, he suggested we look at an upscale, new condominium complex that was being built. I was renting at the time and needed to reinvest. There were preconstruction offers, and I jumped in. In time, my haste would prove to be detrimental to my emotional well-being. My propensity for making thoughtless decisions brought with it harmful consequences.

On the advice of one of my friends, never take advice from a friend. I enlisted the services of her realtor. The realtor's glaring poor advice on which condo to purchase set the stage for the onset of depression. His reasons for my purchasing a certain condo sounded logical and beneficial to my privacy needs.

A few months later, I moved in and did what I do best—decorate. Little did I know that a wave of maelstrom would set in. Visits to Pier 1, sometimes three visits a day became the norm. Then there was the opening of the sliding-glass doors to accommodate the delivery trucks. And of course, playing my James Taylor CD non-stop. My purchases were not nominal. My time in Pier 1 was lengthy and damaging. Whatever caught my eye, I acquired. Dining Room tables and chairs were my first choice. Added to that were end tables, bookcases, and a staggering array of home accessories. The impact of this buying spree fell to one of Pier 1's salespersons. Waiting on me repeatedly ushered in a red flag. She pulled me aside and whispered, That's enough! Although I was in a frenzied state, I got it! At least for a moment. I drove home and dropped off my new possessions. I raced back in my car and headed for my favorite antique shop. I became very friendly with the proprietor. His name was Don, and he sold me many treasures. Today would be no exception. He escorted me and my packages to the car.

Petal to the metal! It was time for my dancing to a James Taylor CD. My life was in fast forward. A peripatetic pace ensued. Pier 1, antique shops, and other places fulfilled my need for material comfort. In time, two things were occurring that caused me severe consternation. My realtor, who assured me that no other condos would infringe upon my view or privacy, was dead wrong. A rush of condos was being built all around me. It brought forth a sickening feeling in my stomach. I'm stuck and there's nowhere to go.

As angry as I was concerning the new construction, another story was unsettling to me. My neighbors to the left were an elderly Italian couple. At first blush, I found them charming. In time, he became my nemesis. He cultivated in me a blanket of fear. Several times I witnessed him walking over to my flower garden and peering into my front door. It was the scene on the back deck that cemented my distrust and distaste for him. I looked over my shoulder, and he was standing there. My observation of his shirt, and its message was puzzling. I viewed the words Holy Spirit. He was holding his arms upward. Not one who offered a strong spiritual base, this man's actions alarmed me. The final straw was a conversation that he elicited with me. He asked me if I remembered my first day moving in. I responded in the affirmative. He asked me if I remembered he and his wife sharing from their packed car that they were headed for Maine for a week. Yes, again. The next comment caused me to shudder. He said they never went anywhere. They went back home. I was too fragile to confront him.

The next week was a continuation of buying, dancing, and agonizing. My thoughts were racing, my feet tapping, and my arms waving uncontrollably. I'll go see Don. I was experiencing a compilation of stressors. I hopped in my car and drove at an excessive and dangerous speed. I was a woman on a mission. I pulled into the antique shop driveway. I threw open my door—and left it open. The front door of the shop was open and lights were on everywhere. I found myself confused and irrational. Don, Don, where are you? I kept yelling over and over. I felt an urgency to locate Don. The more I yelled, the more I raced back and forth with no success. I became extremely agitated. I spotted the backdoor open. Don's out here. I'll find Don.

I left the shop via the back door. I was running frenetically when I came upon the river…

My benevolent drama unfolded into a web of terror, confusion, and fear. To this day, my recollection of how long I was in the river remains vague and frightening. I could have drowned! Likewise, I could have been beaten to a pulp by the man kicking me in the head. Mania doesn't dictate time. It's a rollercoaster ride totally out of control—frightening because there is no apparent end in sight.

Fortunately, an angel of protection emerged to save me from the brutal kicking. A young police officer entered the scene and screamed at the man, Leave her alone! He ushered me outside. Then he uttered the words, I'm sorry I have to do this. He then proceeded