Spoken: A Work of Beautiful Sadness and Honest Pain

By Nicole Theron Parkes

I have been writings stories and poems since before I could write. My imagination is my constant companion; it has helped me through my toughest times when I was suffering with mental illness and a loss of self. My hope is that this book of my writings, poems and short stories will help at least one person to know that they are not alone in the silent, yet deathly grips of mental illness. In our culture today having a mental illness is bad, yet no one wants to talk about it. Mental illness can kill, the same as war or cancer, and we talk and hear about them all the time. For years I was silent, never telling anyone how hurt I felt and how much I had grown to hate myself. I thought I was the only one who felt this way and therefore I was broken or wrong. So I know that there are people out there who are needlessly suffering in silence and so I am going to take a step to break the silence and to hopefully begin to start a conversation, or at least make people hear and see what mental illness can do. Mental illness not only affects the afflicted person but it can trickle down to affect family members, work environments and even whole communities. Mental illness is becoming an epidemic in our society and no one is talking about it. I have spent too many years being silent and afraid. If you are reading this and you are suffering, or you know someone who is, you are not alone. I have been there too, and I have held on so that I could share my story and my love of writing and creative expression. Enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 2, 2012
• ISBN: 9781479725670

Nicole Theron Parkes

Nicole grew up in the small town of Stewartsville, New Jersey, and attended Connecticut College studying Human Development, Psychology and Religious Studies. She enjoys dancing, reading, writing, bike riding, playing with her dogs Honey and Hope, being with her friends, the beach, traveling, scrapbooking, crocheting and working with children. Nicole lives in Boston and will be attending The Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology as a Clinical Psy D. student. She aspires to be a child and family therapist, an advocate for food allergies, a fighter against the stigmas around mental illness, and saving the world one child at a time.

Book preview

Copyright © 2012 by Nicole Theron Parkes.

Library of Congress Control Number:             2012918203

ISBN:             Hardcover             978-1-4797-2566-3

Softcover             978-1-4797-2565-6

Ebook             978-1-4797-2567-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

116448

Contents

Sadness

Cutting

Friends

Spoken

Magic and Dance

Home

Final Thoughts

Dedication

I dedicate this book to Rob Ritchie

an inspiring, caring counselor and a true friend who has led me

to find my passions and pursue my dreams.

And to the beautiful country of New Zealand,

my second home.

Mau tonu ake te rongo ~Peace endures always

Once Upon a Time . . .

I have been writing stories and poems since before I could write. My imagination is my constant companion; it has helped me through my toughest times when I was suffering with mental illness and a loss of self. My hope is that this book of my writings, poems and short stories will help at least one person to know that she or he is not alone in the silent, yet deathly grips of mental illness. In our culture today having a mental illness is bad, yet no one wants to talk about it. Mental illness can kill, the same as war or cancer, and we talk and hear about them all the time. For years I was silent, never telling anyone how hurt I felt and how much I had grown to hate myself. I thought I was the only one who felt this way and therefore I was broken or wrong. So I know that there are people out there who are needlessly suffering in silence and so I am going to take a step to break the silence and to hopefully start a conversation, or at least make people hear and see how mental illness can so deeply impact a person’s life. Mental illness not only affects the afflicted person but it can trickle down to affect family members, work environments and even whole communities. Mental illness is becoming an epidemic in our society yet no one is talking about it. I have spent too many years being silent and afraid. If you are reading this and you are suffering, or you know someone who is, you are not alone. I have been there too, and I have held on so that I could share my story, my creative passions and my love of writing. Enjoy.

Sincerely,

Nicole Theron Parkes

P.S. I have always wanted to publish a book like this but as it became a reality I got scared about putting all my most intimate thoughts out for everyone to read. But then I realized the fact that I am scared means this is an important issue that needs a voice. And that voice can be mine. Also it might seem that some of the poems are repetitive but that is because I can’t emphasis enough my main messages. Mental illness is real, it affects real people, it hurts, it kills, but there is hope and help and this is an issue that deserves to be discussed. Welcome to what I hope is just the beginning . . .

Sadness

I want to write a love song

                            To live a beautiful life

                                                        But I can’t find the words

              And I can’t show my face.

                            It’s like I’m paralyzed

                                          By invisible fears

                                                        No one can help me

                                                                      Most people don’t even know.

                            I love making

                                                        words

                                                                      dance.

                            I am a master

                                          of choreography

                                                                      on paper.

Writing and writing and breathing and stopping the writing to focus on the breathing, which is impossible without the writing. I may be quiet but I am never silent.

A Beginning . . .

We say that mental illnesses aren’t real. But they can lead real people to do really bad things to themselves. If we see it happening how can we not believe in the roots of the causes the leads people to places of harm, distrust and hopelessness?

We can’t afford to not believe. Hope is real. Help is available. Denying people the right to feel they deserve help and deserve to heal is unacceptable and inhuman.

What happened to the golden rule love your neighbor as you would yourself? Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you felt bad all the time, if you cut your skin, if you threw-up your food, if you cried alone and in vain, wouldn’t you want people to believe you and believe in your experiences, as painful as they might be?

Just listen, just because you don’t live this or feel this pain does not mean it is not real.

It is real, it is painful, and it is scary. Give hope, give help, give freedom.

We have created and perpetuated a double standard. On the one hand we say that mental illness are just weaknesses located in the individual. We make it so that people feel ashamed of what is well beyond their control. We shame them into feeling guilty and worthlessness and we scare them from asking for help.

But then on the other side we don’t condone suicide, self-harm, addiction, purging and mental breakdowns. We can identify these things as bad and harmful and scary and unnecessary but we aren’t willing to believe in the diseases and weaknesses that lead people to do these things.

Do you think people really want to lead secret lives where they hurt and even kill themselves? These people who hurt are not weak; they deserve love and attention. They deserve hope, and they deserve help. The weaknesses we perceive are located in the current cultural discourse that does not want to face the uncomfortable truth and therefore tries to ignore it, criticize it and disapprove.

No it’s not fair that people suffer from mental and emotional diseases. But these are elements of life that are beyond our control.

But what is within our control is to offer help and love and to not ignore what is happening but instead work to erase the stupid, harmful ideas that people who silently suffer are weak.

Fighting against your demons is hard enough. It makes you feel and ache; it can make you angry, sad, hurt, fearful, exhausted, vulnerable, and numb. It’s not fair but it’s your fight. Why is the fight made harder or even impossible by those on the outside who don’t even know? And yet we believe them when they say we are weak.

Ignoring what is real, telling people that their experiences and feelings are false; this is a form of weakness.

People are not going to change over night and we can’t wait for them to rethink and readjust the cultural discourses we are imbedded within.

But if you can’t live another night like this; you don’t have to live another night feeling hopeless and weak. There are plenty of people who know you are not weak or lazy. People who care and will stand beside you, and stand up against the damaging cultural opinions and ignorant people. So, stand on the fighting side. Love and believe and help make hope and life as real as the monsters are for those who suffer.

Lost

Twilight sings, sunset fades; her wishes fill the darkening sky. Her dreams rain down, her hair flies free, so young and lost is she. Lost in who she is and who she’d rather be, trapped in