Angelus Errare: Where Angels Lose Their Way

By Joshua K. Talbott

This book is a collection of poetry and expressive writing I wrote over the last few years about love, hatred, depression, mania, and life in general.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 5, 2012
• ISBN: 9781465389763

Joshua K. Talbott

I was born in Jackson, Tennessee. Growing up, my family moved around a lot, and I was given the opportunity to travel all over America. Through my experiences, I feel that I was able to gain a true appreciation of natural beauty. From the time I was a teenager, I knew that like several of my family members, I was suffering from a mental illness. I have now been diagnosed with Bipolar II and am on medication to help treat it. For many years, however, my illness went untreated and I refused medication because I knew it would affect my career. To help me cope with it, I would write down my feelings and speculations about life, love, mania, and depression. I would also exercise a lot. Running long distances always seemed to balance me out when I was having a manic or depressive episode. It seemed to make it manageable, until I had a depressive episode that led me to being hospitalized. I should have been wiser and sought treatment earlier. If I had, perhaps I could have avoided a divorce and many financial problems. But things happened as they did. After it seemed that everything I had ever worked for had been taken from me, I decided to take my writing and my drawings and publish them. I truly hope that you enjoy this book, and also that you may draw some strength or wisdom from the words I have wrote…and the lessons that I have learned.

Book preview

Copyright © 2012 by Joshua K. Talbott.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2011960653

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-4653-8975-6

               Softcover      978-1-4653-8974-9

               Ebook         978-1-4653-8976-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

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Contents

Foreword

Speculation

A Love of Kinds

Waves of Emotion

Isolated Pain

Visions of Pleasure

Eyes Made Weeping

Unseen Weight

Layers of the Soul

Expressionless Face

Intoxicating Passion

And the Cold Rain Comes . . .

Painful Reminiscence

Understanding

Misery So Sweet

Eternally Deep Soul

Abyss

Random Thoughts

Crying

Indulgence of the Rain

Blackberries

My ALL

Sit Alone and Wonder

Protective Sanctuary

God’s Will

So Ashamed

Spectacular Intimacy

Confirmations of Life

Cleanse Me

Private

Paint It Beautiful

Travelling the Cosmos

I Just Cannot Forgive It

The Dream . . .

or Alternate Reality . . . That Haunts Me

Drugs in a Texan Semi-Desert

Rustic Autumn Beauty

New Love

Poorly Written

Severe Depression

Early Warning Signs

Joyfully Remembered . . . Painfully Gone

Philosophy 101

Overlooked

The Brushstrokes of Creation

Trials of Self Destruction

Appreciate Now

Daydream

Life in Ruin

Resisting Separation . . . and Divorce

Feel What I Feel

Lakes of Blood

Embarrassed

Seasons Pass . . .

Obviously Love Struck

For Arin

Everychanging World of Emotion

Finding Abandonment

Random Thoughts II

Birds of the Night

Romantically Inclined, Yet Lonely

Eventually, It Must Be Set Free

Embrace

Morning Sunlight

Posthumously Written

People Change

Mad Hearter

Envious Child

Random Thoughts III

Grief

The Inconsistencies of Racing Thoughts

Where I Am Free

What Sickness is This?

Devotion and Hard Work Required

Ashes in a Storm

Better Yourself

Fake It.

Fuck You

Fabricate Life

Eternal Rest

Five Souls Shared a Single Set of Eyes

Unlike Most

Why Can’t Anyone Share My Heart?

Samantha Jewel

Unfortunately, I Still Remember Being Fifteen

I Left a Piece of My Soul . . .

Like It Was a Breadcrumb

It’s All Wrong

Crying Intimately

Warm To the Touch

A Tired 2am Thought Process on Paper

An Emotional Moment Shared

Only With Katie

Breathe Deeply . . . It Helps Sometimes

Deepest Reaches

Noble Changes

Life is Short

A World Away

The Impressive Spirit of Some Creative Soul

The Dim Light Reflection of a Lover’s Eyes

All Would Be Nice

Mid-Winter Wishes

Passion

We Build the Walls that Make Us Hurt

A Tear So Small Can Mean So Much

March 15th, 2009

March 20th, 2009

Lonely and Weak

One Opportunity

Dark, Thunderous Afternoon

Dance of Life

Red Lights

So Wonderful a Memory

Crush

Fall Begins

When It’s Time to Seek Refuge

A Brief Rendezvous

What’s Done Cannot Be Undone

Keep Moving Forward

Finding Abandonment? Abandonment Found.

A Woman’s Heart

Where Hell Lies

Average Sunday Morning

Differentiate

Smiling at Young Love

Life’s Meaning

The Standard Traveler

Take Time For Yourself

Conviction by Self Trials

Lucidity

Restless Thoughts Long Ago

Precious Gifts

Please . . . Let Me In

Afraid of the Dark?

What it Means to Have a Soul

The World Weeps

Pink and White Flowers

An Instrument of Satan

Tears Fall from Waterfalls

Fantastic, Beautiful Release

AngErr19.jpgAngErr11.jpg

Foreword

This book is a collection of emotions, expressions, and drawings I have wrote and drawn since the time I was about seventeen years old. They reflect the way I felt at times that were significant, but more so, they are the tools I used to combat depression on a regular basis. There is much mental illness that runs in my family. Particularly, there are several of those that have a disorder known as manic depression. Unfortunately, I also have this illness. On a positive note, however, I personally attribute my ability to express creatively and think intuitively to this diagnosis. While battling the ups and downs may at times be very challenging and difficult, I view this overall as more of a blessing than a curse.

Now, I have decided that perhaps I should share the blessings of having a sensitive mind with others in the hope that I won’t be viewed as totally insane. I hope that you may find some inspiration in my words, and perhaps be a little bit stronger in mind and spirit.

Speculation

There are so many differences between a single moment and those that follow. In a single moment, love can touch a soul and raise it into the planetary realm where it rests peacefully and quietly, observing the world from such afar that nothing can be made of it but that it is a large blue sphere isolated and alone. From here, it can be described as decorated by the highlights of beautiful stars apparently but impossibly dancing and sparkling around it. Here, envy lies for those not lifted by love cannot see the beauty upon which their lives stand. This is, however, but a single instant and instants . . . moments . . . are technically considered a given length of time for what? A thought? A realization? An epiphany or acknowledgement of some sort? Are there different lengths for every unique moment; is it a variable time factor that can be pinpointed ever more narrowly stretching time into eternity? How long then is an eternity? I guess infinity would be a better description of an instant. If truth lies in those words, an instant would or could, I should say, be eternal happiness. If one could isolate in one’s mind a single instant of joy, it would completely eliminate everything before and after it along with everything else not being perceived by the mind. Perception is definitely the concept that plays the largest part here. Is time indeed an actual quality of reality or is time created by ourselves to build a more structured idea of everything? If it is only perception, would we be able to control the speed at which time moved through our minds . . . or at least make it appear so?

A Love of Kinds

What of this world, so profoundly lost?

What of this love . . . this pain . . . this cost?

What of this heart, in all its ways,

Seeking Death, through all its days?

In the eyes of un-influential angels,

My life is viewed . . . broken and mangled,

My spirit burns, hot as coals.

It longs . . . it searches,

Yet uncaring souls, bring not but curses.

Within my heart, in all its ways,

And within my eyes . . . where my life plays,

Lies my spirit everlasting,

Not yet finished . . . never resting.

Nor will it rest . . . until it finds,

Happiness within . . . and a love of kinds.

Waves of Emotion

The waves of emotion: anger, love, hatred . . . depression . . . continue to wreak their havoc upon my heart. The cold rains have subsided and there is a storm brewing in the sea left in my soul. The heat of anger has met the cold of loneliness and they are spiraling . . . influencing . . . a storm in my soul so deep that a forecast of emotion is impossible. It hurts . . . never knowing the way I am going to feel from one minute to the next. My mind is in agony and the whispering words of my very being cannot be heard above the quickly coming insanity that I fear so much, too often.

Isolated Pain

It’s that isolated pain that forces itself upon you in your times of need where wanting of anyone but that one person you love becomes non-existent. You view the things you