Returning to Love

By Sharon Edwards

Hurry, honey, I see the light. I have to go. Come kiss me bye. Bye, baby, I love you. These are the last words my husband said to me when he transitioned. It had been a long and tortuous path to enlightenment. He got to see into heaven three weeks before he transitioned. He could not believe the love. We both learned life lessons and grew spiritually.

It had been a long journey for Richard and me, but we both learned lessons of strength, love, forgiveness, and, most importantly, the enlightenment needed to release the fear of death. This is a journal of our love and living with Richards Alzheimers and Parkinsons, prostate cancer, and congestive heart failure. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, and I am relating the coping mechanisms I used to deal with Richards transition and the transition of my mom nine months before Richard.

The journey taken by those who are caregivers is a lonely one at times. Coming to an acceptance is as hard for the caregiver and family and friends as it is for the one you loveaccepting the fact that no matter how positive your thoughts, the healing for your loved one may be a healing of his or her soul and not of the body. Then you and your loved one can walk his or her path together. Your support can make your loved ones transition peaceful and loving. As you help loved ones to lose their fear of dying, you will learn of the beauty and love awaiting them in heaven. This will aid in your healing when your loved ones transition to heaven.

There will be sadness, and tears will flow because they are gone and not physically with you anymore. You can find strength and peace in knowing that the care you gave allowed your loved ones to die with dignity surrounded by love and support and without fear.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Dec 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781452521299

Sharon Edwards

Sharon is a RN who has witnessed patients transition. I have witness who had transitioned and been resuscitated. Each told the same story about the light and heaven. Sharon had to retire early because of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The blessing of this was that she took care of her husband for five years after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. He also had Prostate Cancer, Congestive Heart Failure and an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. He had a tortuous journey from diagnosis to enlightenment and transition. They both grew spiritually. Had she not been disabled she would have had to place Richard in a nursing home to transition alone instead of having his family at his bedside. Sharon now lives in Hampton, TN with her very wonderful, special loving significant other. She considers him to be her gift from the Universe for all her years of caring for her husband. Her wonderful man definitely takes good care of her. She has two wonderful, loving, caring, independent and responsible children. They are and always have been the best gift from the Universe she has ever received. Sharon would like to thank Blake and Brooke for choosing her as their mother. They are both married to their soul mates, who are as wonderful as Blake and Brooke are. Sharon also has her first grandchild Jaxon who she babysit for two days a week. He is the happiest and loving baby. She is continuing her spiritual growth through Healing Touch classes and meditation. Sharon is Certified in Meditation and Pain Assessment and Management. She will soon be Certified in Healthy Aging.

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Copyright © 2014 Sharon Edwards.

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Author Credits:

RN BSN Certified in Pain Assessment and Management Certified in Meditation

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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ISBN: 978-1-4525-2129-9 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/02/2014

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Two Souls Meet

Chapter 2 First Comes Love and then Comes Marriage

Chapter 3 The Journey

Chapter 4 Death

About the Author

Dedicated:

Richard Calvin Edwards

1927-2009

Cora Lee Woodruff

1926-2009

01richardandmom.jpg

Introduction

H urry honey, I see the Light. I have to go. Come and kiss me bye I love you and I’ll see you later. These are the last words my husband spoke to me on his eighty-second birthday as we were getting ready for his last party. He had been unable to get out of bed for three weeks, and dressing him daily was not a task that could be done by me or with help by his bath aide. We dressed him with diapers and shirts slit up the back, but it was his birthday and I had promised him I would dress him for his party. I had laid his clothes out and told him I would be right back to dress him. He would not be dressed until his funeral. After his good-bye to me, he went blue and unconscious but did not die. He held on to his thin thread of life to say good-bye to our children and minister and church elder who had come to give him communion on the Sunday of his birthday. He was in and out of consciousness but told everyone good-bye and he loved them. We celebrated his birthday with very mixed emotions, love, and sadness and grief. Relief and sadness ruled the day. It had been a long journey for Richard and me but we both learned lessons of strength, love, forgiveness and most importantly the enlightenment needed to release the fear of death. This is a journal of our love and living with Richard’s Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s and cancer. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I am relating the coping mechanisms I used to deal with Richard’s transition and the transition of my Mom nine months before Richard.

I hope that the stories and poems of Richard’s transition and stories of others I have related will help someone and their family to come to acceptance that healing is not always physical. I hope that the lesson of Love experienced in letting go of a loved one so that they may go to their highest good on the next plane to reach their oneness with the All can be experienced by each who needs this lesson. This is from my heart to your heart. May you have Many Blessings on your journey.

Chapter 1

Two Souls Meet

O ur story began forty years ago but memory of one’s soul mate isn’t always initiated the first time two people meet. We would not recognize each other as soul mates until twenty three years later. We each had been married before and we each knew exactly what we wanted in a partner and our future when we met again. On our third or fourth date, Richard was talking about the qualities he wanted in a life companion. My response to him was: Am I not what you prayed for? He stopped in mid-sentence to say: How did you know what I had prayed for? He had a very surprised look on his face. I told him I had been praying also and had written down exactly what characteristics I wanted in a husband and so far he had met all my expectations. We had each prayed to find someone this wonderful, loving, caring, compassionate, gentle, kind, and generous, giving of the self beyond measure or care, receiving the same in return for each other and our families and a Christian involved in church that would grow to be a deep spiritual awakening. I did not know at the time that the spiritual growth necessary would be complete transition enlightenment.

Didn’t You Pray for Me?

So many years ago we met and then we went our separate ways.

For years I waited in a marriage that was not the love I sought.

Finally free, I sought the Love I knew was waiting for me.

Then one day your face appeared and in your eyes I knew;

You were the love God sent to me and God sent me to you.

For years we both had prayed to find our one true love and

In God’s time our paths did cross and soon we became one.

Now after all these years, our love grows even stronger;

Even though you are slipping away more each day,

We have loved since time began and will until time ends.

Skye 2008

In 1969 I had just graduated from high school and I was working as a waitress in a small coffee shop in the Professional Building so that I could earn money to start college. The Professional Building was the hub of offices for doctors, businesses, real estate agents, a pharmacy and a professional men’s hair stylist. My Dad worked as an assistant in the pharmacy and he had helped me to get the job in the coffee shop. Each day there was a professional gentleman who always ate lunch and took his breaks in the coffee shop. He would always kid me about leaving a thirteen cent tip but would always leave a dollar under his plate or saucer. This was the first time Richard and I met but our souls had no memory of each other, only a vague awareness of a past knowing from somewhere.

Our next meeting would be twenty three years later. Twenty three years was exactly how many years Richard was older than I. As I look back on the first forty years of my adult life, I accomplished many things professionally. The most important was being chosen to be the mother of my most wonderful loving, humorous, charming, giving, joyful, and fabulous son and daughter. I have been truly blessed beyond words and I knew intuitively after my divorce that there was someone special out there for just me.

I felt in the deepest part of my soul and heart that my life’s love was waiting for me. I often searched the eyes of male strangers for that spark of recognition. I had a relationship for eighteen months after my divorce based only on physical attraction but in my heart and soul I knew there was someone special for me and me, alone. The spark of recognition comes at a time when we least expect it. It may be only a fleeting moment but the impact is astounding and your heart knows immediately your love has arrived and you know without doubt the wait is over.

It was May of 1993 and I had just returned to work after a back injury that had kept me off work for three months. It was my first day back and I received a ninety four year old little lady in my pod of rooms to admit to the rehabilitation center. She was just about the most delicate and precious little lady I had ever met. She was so sweet and gentle and kind. I had finished all the admission paper work and had walked out of her room when I saw my destiny walking down the hall. His walk was so familiar to me in the dark recesses of my mind. I remember he had on cream colored shorts and shirt with matching shoes and socks. The careful attention and quality of how he dressed made him stand above the crowd. He had the most unique walk I had ever seen. He walked with a purpose and he walked with knee movement and not the usual hip movements walk the way most people walk.

As our eyes met, I immediately had that spark of recognition. I know him from somewhere, I thought. I stood outside his aunt’s room and watched and listened to their interaction while pretending to be studying the chart of the patient in the room beside her room. He was so gentle and kind and loving with her. You could feel the love and bond that they shared. My thoughts continued that I knew him from somewhere but could not pinpoint where or when.

When he came out of his aunt’s room, I initiated a conversation with him and pretended to need his telephone number as her emergency contact. I really did need it since she couldn’t remember but I could have looked in her old chart. I ask him if he ever played golf; maybe that is where I had seen him. Years ago in Texas: he replied. Well that wasn’t it since I had never been to Texas.

He came predictably at 5:45pm every afternoon to see his aunt. He always bought her little treats. We would exchange polite hellos and make small talk. The connection was there and growing stronger each time I saw him. After a month of polite interaction, he came out one evening and asked to take me out to dinner to repay me for all the care and kindness I had taken with his aunt. I aloofly said that would be nice. He walked on down the hall to the elevators. He didn’t ask for my phone number, I thought. It was just a nice jester on his part, not really a serious offer.

I don’t know what came over me but I immediately dove into my purse and got a card with my name and number and hurriedly walked to the elevator. He had already gone down. As I turned to walk back to my area, the elevator door opens and he says: I forgot to get your number. I reached into my pockets as if searching for something to write it on and then magically produced my card and gave it to him. I’m going on vacation with my children and my Mom tomorrow but I’ll be back in a week: I said and with that he closed the elevator doors and left. I floated back to my area.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him; the whole week at the beach. Will he really call? No, he was just being nice. Maybe he will call. I hope he calls. Where do I know him from? Thoughts filled my mind; where do I know him from?

When we returned from the beach, I went to the hospital to say hello to all my friends and visit his aunt so she would tell Richard I was home. I’m back, I said. I will be in on Wednesday to take care of you again. She smiled a very knowing smile and told me how much she had missed me taking care of her and was glad I would be caring for her again. I went back home to finish unpacking and then went over to Mom’s to help her wallpaper her bedroom.

We had just finished putting up the last piece when the phone rang. It was Richard. He had tracked me down at my Mom’s. He said my little girl had given him the number of where I was and hoped he was not intruding but would like to take me out to dinner this evening. My heart was all aflutter and I could hardly catch my breath. Yes, let me check my schedule for this evening and if I don’t have anything planned with my children and if Mom can babysit, that would be very nice. I had nothing planned and Mom could always babysit.

It was a magical night. He opened the car door for me to get in and also out at the restaurant where we went. What a gentleman!! The restaurant was in a converted old house and the atmosphere was cozy and romantic. He held my chair for me to sit down. I had never been treated like this before. The food and the wine were excellent. As we talked over the candle that flickered between us, I became more and more aware of the similarity of wording that we both used. We laughed at the same things and I didn’t have to explain my dry witted jokes. It was as if we communicated telepathically.

He made sure that I ordered the best the menu had to offer and that I was happy with my choice. He ordered dessert and coffee. His manners were impeccable. I had never been treated so royally in my life. His very presence seemed larger than life and the restaurant staffs seemed to sense this also and were most solicitous and in turn, he was most generous to each of them.

He held my hand as we walked to the car. The moon was full and it was a warm summer night and the sky was filled with stars. We kissed and I saw fireworks in the sky. His touch was electric and yet tender and soft. I could have floated home without ever touching the ground.

This dinner was the beginning of a relationship that was more than soul mates. We had each prayed to find someone this wonderful and our prayers had been answered. Even after sixteen years later, our eyes can meet from across the room and the connection is so powerful that everyone and everything in the room seem to disappear and the love can be felt not only by us but by everyone in the room. It is as if time stands still and we are the only two people in the world. His energy engulfs me and warms me to the core of my soul. It is an experience that I have never had with anyone.

As our relationship developed, we knew we had met before and soon figured out that we had met twenty three years earlier at the coffee shop. Richard remembered my Dad very well and that Dad always had a cigarette hanging from his lip and always was always fantastic when ask how he was. My Dad died in 1989 from colon cancer. Cancer and death would be a major factor in our future together.

On our first date Richard told me that he had had surgery in January of 1993 for prostate cancer and had to have radiation after the surgery because his PSA had gone up after the surgery. He said that he was fine at present but had been depressed about being sick and the thought of dying. As our love grew and deepened, I intuitively knew I was to play a role in the last act of Richard’s life play. At first I felt that I was to help him be healed of all cancer but as time went on I learned a life lesson in spirituality and transitioning. Richard’s healing was not to be physical.

Chapter 2

First Comes Love and then Comes Marriage

T he day Richard and I were married was one of the happiest days of my life, with the births of my children being the happiest days. Richard did not want anyone to know how old he was so even though we had set and planned a Wedding for July 1, 1994, on June 24, 1994 we went to Sevierville, TN and were married in a little wedding chapel. It was a beautiful ceremony,

02Jpgourfirstweddingday.jpg

Love is long suffering and kind, love does not envy, love does not make a vain display of it and does not boast. Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil_ rejoices not over iniquity, but rejoices in the truth_ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things; endures all things. Love never fails……that which is perfect is come, and then that which is imperfect shall come to an end. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three_ but the greatest of this is Love. _1Corinthians 13_4_1_ Ancient Aramaic Text_

This was the scripture the minister read at our wedding. It was Richard’s favorite passage. On July 1, 1994 our neighbor Earl married us again with Blake, Brooke, Mom and Earl’s wife Faye attending. I wanted to invite Richard’s family but he didn’t want anyone else there. It was a beautiful ceremony also. Mom had made Brooke’s dress and I spent all afternoon braiding and fixing her hair. Blake had his skater doo and now wishes we could lose the pictures. I wore a sea foam green suit and Brooke’s dress was sea foam green with purple flowers. Blake wore the same color shirt and a blue tie. Richard had bought a new suit that was grey plaid. Mom had made herself a new flowered dress. In all the posing for pictures, I forgot to get a picture of Brooke’s braids and ribbons and flowers in her hair. She has the most perfect strawberry blond hair. After the pictures Richard and I went to Burnsville, NC for our honeymoon.

03jpgoursecondweddingday.jpg

We stayed at the NuWray Inn. It is a very old established bed and breakfast with the most wonderful meals. During the day, we drove throughout the region and Richard gave me a tour of his childhood and family homes and family stories. He was born and raised in Yancey County. Years later we took his nephew Joe and Joe’s children Suzonna and Kody on the same tour and videotaped the trip and all the family stories and where families had lived. Richard knew the mountain roads like the back of his hand.

Each fall we would travel through the mountains to see the fall colors. We would stay at Little Switzerland or other small motels and enjoy the ride and shopping and eating great food. In the winter, even in the snow, Richard would take us on a ride through the mountains. I was never afraid to ride with him in the snow. He was the best driver and he made me feel so safe always. We saw some of the most beautiful snowfalls and ice creations one could ever see. We would be on the top of the mountain and look over the edge to the valley below. All you could see was snow and smoke rising from the houses below. We always took a trip to the mountains on our anniversary.

Celebrating Love

A story written about anniversaries on storywrite

Skye2007

Only the passage of time and the wisdom gained with each year and experience can prepare one for the true meaning of celebrating the union of love between two spirits. This knowledge was made into a beautiful visual dance of loving energy when my daughter married her soul mate last year. The dance of souls cannot be seen by a casual eye and the moment of connection is a vision that can only be described by imagining the most magnificent fireworks celebration that one can ever see. It is the love that most cannot see but only feel as it surrounds. It has been this passage of time and experience that allows me to see the aura surrounding others and know the true meaning of an anniversary of two souls

This year will be our thirteenth anniversary. This year may well also be our last. It is, however, ten years more than we were supposed to have had. It was with this knowledge of the fragileness of life that we made each year a special experience. Since we spent our honeymoon in the mountains at the NuWray Inn in Burnsville, NC, each anniversary of the first years of our marriage we spent traveling through different mountain towns and staying at bed and breakfasts or quaint little Inns like Little Switzerland and the Big Lynn Lodge. The last two served the best food. Little Switzerland had a seafood buffet on Friday nights and a great breakfast served family style in a huge iron skillet. The skillet is filled with eggs, sausages, fried potatoes, butter grits, biscuits, gravy, fried apples and fresh fruit.

Down the road from Little Switzerland and the Big Lynn Lodge are gem stone mines. We would take Brooke and Kody and Joe on a picnic and buy big buckets of dirt and gems and pan for gems. Emerald City also had a museum about the gems and the railroad built through the mountains. One of the most treasured memories was the year we took a train ride through the mountains of Tennessee and watched the white water rafters from the train. We stayed at a wonderful bed and breakfast that had llamas as pets. Richard had always wanted to raise llamas.

As the days Richard and I have left to be together on this earthly plane having come to a countdown, I know that each day that you have with the one you love is an anniversary. Each day is to be celebrated with the same excitement that is reserved for that single day of union. It is not the place or the activity or the meal that makes the celebration of love that two people have. It is the intertwining of two spirits each day and feeling love carried by a single thought of the heart. It is love unquestioning and without boundaries that transcends space and time. It is love that has been before time and will be until all time should end.

An anniversary is a celebration of feeling the energy of your loved one from across the room, from miles away or from Heaven. In love we are connected like a string of pearls, each complimenting the other, and less than whole if one is amiss. The key to the love of another that melds the two is knowing that the binds are never broken but forever connected by the string of love and light that connects us all to the warmth of the sunbeams, the twinkling of the stars, the beautiful swirls seen at sunrise and sunset. Each of these is celebrations of love made even more exciting when shared with your soul mate each and every day.

Anniversaries are anticipated excitement and wonderful memories. The most important anniversary is the present. You should enjoy the moment without preconceived expectations by one or the other person. Be in the moment. Experience each second together fresh and anew and let love guide you. Enjoy and love each moment at it passes and your experience will be so much richer and your love more unending. Give your love with all your heart and receive love without judgment. Be a passerby.

These stories and poems and blogs interspersed though out our story of enlightenment and transition were my coping mechanisms. It was a way for me to write about my life lessons learned and applied in our daily life and I discussed with Richard. I believe that our lessons in love and spirituality helped Richard to achieve enlightenment and release his fear of death. The following poem was written after reading the Gospel of Thomas to Richard.

Passerby

If I travel to the seven wonders of the world, I can see them

but they are not mine to keep.

Enjoy each moment as it passes.

Be a Passerby.

If all my joy is in the prism of colors that dance in the light,

when darkness comes my joy is gone.

Enjoy each moment as it passes.

Be a Passerby.

If a rose dies when cut and a white hot coal burns when held,

then the pleasure is only fleeting.

Enjoy each moment as it passes.

Be a Passerby.

If you build your house on the bridge for the view,

you will never pass over.

Enjoy every view as you pass.

Be a Passerby.

If all my Love depends on you,

when you leave my Love goes too.

Love each one as they pass.

Be a Passerby skye2006

Chapter 3

The Journey

T he path to enlightenment begins with that of pain. It is the pain that moves us from our comfort zone to the path that will relieve our pain. Richard’s path began in January of 1993 when he was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and had surgery. The surgeon found a questionable lymph node which meant that the cancer could have metastasized. Richard’s PSA went from twenty seven to zero but within a couple of months began to rise again. The next step in his treatment was radiation. During this treatment, his bladder was over-radiated and led to continual bladder problems. He had just finished his radiation treatment when we met.

The Spirit’s Chosen Path

The first step the spirit takes upon the chosen path begins with that of pain.

A spiritual awakening to higher regions; known only

To the few who dare to tread.

The path it is not easy, as it spirals up and down.

Each step that takes you higher may also bring you to the ground; for yet another lesson found.

It is lessons in forgiveness, for others and for self that sends your pathway onward to the lofty heights above.

And as we drop these burdens, the Light shines on us bright; melting all our pain and showing us the way.

Climbing ever higher, we find peace and hope and rest.

Guided to a Love we’ve never known so that we may shine our best. Skye2009

We dated a year before we were married. We had the wedding planned when his PSA rose again. I went with him to the VA to see his urologist. He told us that Richard would need to start chemotherapy and hormone therapy. He explained that this would be palliative treatments and that Richard probably only had three years to live. Richard wanted to cancel the wedding because he did not want to have me go through his dying process. I refused to cancel the wedding. I knew that this was not to be our reality. I told him I could be killed in a car wreck since I was a home health nurse on the road all the time. I told him that we had not been brought together at this time in our lives only to lose each other in such a short time. No, a three year marriage was not our reality. We had much to learn together and it could not be accomplished in three years.

Richard began the chemotherapy immediately and was started on hormone suppression therapy. I was instructed on giving the shots at the VA and I gave Richard his shots monthly for several years until he was switched to a new hormone therapy called Zoladex. It was a pellet that was administered with a twelve gauge needle. He had to go to the VA every three months for therapy. The chemotherapy was discontinued after a year when Richard’s PSA levels remained below zero.

As all married couples do, we had so many plans for us. We were going to travel and remodel on our house and landscape our yard. However in the year 2000, I had to retire first because of physical disability caused by Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I was devastated and became severely depressed. I couldn’t read for three years and my journey toward healing was complicated by always having to prove myself sick in order for the disability checks to keep coming to help support us. On this path to spiritual enlightenment when I was at my sickest with Fibromyalgia and Richard’s health was declining but he had not yet been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s, we had sought out conventional religious beliefs for healing. I was actually told at one of my lowest periods of my dis-ease that my faith was not strong enough to heal me. The message was not delivered in a compassionate manner or with any advice of how I could make my faith stronger or a prayer for healing. I was devastated but these experiences lead me to my path of spirituality and self-healing so that I would be prepared to help Richard.

As I became aware that helping Richard transition was my role this lifetime, I learned that I was never been fully grounded in this lifetime and I do have out of body experiences and soul travel frequently. I had a fear of the present. The result of this knowledge was coming to realize that I have spent a good portion of this life always contemplating ways to return to the afterlife. It has been a struggle of my Spirit and ego. I have visualized this struggle as the waltz between Spirit and ego, interweaving light and darkness so that the intersection of each is but a brief connection. The Spirit and ego staying separated by the narrowest of measure, allowing the Spirit to herd the ego in the direction we have chosen to walk this lifetime. We each dance the waltz of death, lifetime after lifetime, until the Spirit and ego merge to transition to the Light.

The ego, however, will like the critics of Broadway be ever present and watchful of our every move and quick to let us know when we have stumbled. It is these criticisms that lead us to illness and suffering as we internalize these steps of failure and let these criticisms erode our mastery and confidence of life that we have accomplished. As the Law of Attraction states, you get what you think and say. When we play these criticisms over and over in our minds, we create our own pitfalls and miseries. It is not without a large measurable effort on our part that we can change the play line to the dance of Spirit and attract into our lives all the Love, Abundance, Heath, Prosperity, Peace, Harmony, and Compassion that has been given us all. It is the interweaving of ego and Spirit that allows us to appreciate the wonderfulness of the whole after we have awakened to the fact that we are Spirit and not this fragile human form subject to pain and suffering.

Richard’s last starring role on this stage of life demonstrated his mastery of life and his will to live. As his disease progressed and his decline began, his fear of living was as great as his fear of dying. His ego and his desire to control every situation proved to be challenging but certainly proved to be my most important life lessons in patience, unconditional love and forgiveness. The lessons learned in unconditional love and forgiveness allowed me to learn to see more in Spirit form and not with my ego. I became aware that a stumble is a stumble and is not life threatening or life-changing. I learned to be in the moment. The fear the ego can put upon us when we stumble is what blinds us to Spirit and paralyzes our lives into the deepest ruts of