The First Time Without You

By Mary Lotorto-Soroka

A one-year journal maintained after my husband's death, "The First Time Without You". I chose to share my journal in the hopes of helping others going through the same grieving process. My emotions were recorded as I was going through the horrific process and I felt the need to share these emotions with others also going through the loss of a loved one. It helped my healing process through recording my feelings. "The First Time Without You" is based on a one-year journal maintained after my husband's death. This journal recorded my raw emotions as I was experiencing them, documented everything associated with his death, and elaborates on special occasions we spent together in life, as well as the first times without him. The journal is prefaced by an eighteen year account of our relationship and concludes with the ups and downs in the years which followed his death. I chose to share my journal in the hopes of helping others going through the same grieving process. I also lost both of my parents, six months apart, two years before my husband was killed. My daughter was only three years old when she lost her father and this book relates the problems and issues she suffered as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mary Lotorto-Soroka
• Release date: Mar 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310037023

Mary Lotorto-Soroka

I am a Jersey girl by heart and am now loving life by the beach in Southern New Jersey, enjoying the beautiful nature it abounds.I was an accountant for over twenty years and when my daughter was only three, decided to switch gears when my husband died to do something I have always wanted to do; write and illustrate children's books. Everyone has a story to tell, so why not tell it? I enjoyed writing and illustrating stories through the eyes of a child throughout my daughter's childhood. My books range from her foreign adoption story, low self esteem and bullying, to our two silly cats.My writing shifted to helping others draw parallels to my own life. My latest non-fiction book, The First Time Without You, is based on a journal I maintained after the sudden loss of my husband. I hope through my grief process to help others living through the same loss.My current work is a book of short stories, poems, and thoughts which I will publish soon.I look forward to reading any feedback my readers wish to send to help me strive to give them what they want.

Book preview

Preface

I lost my one true soul mate, best friend, and husband. Few people in my close circle of friends and family had ever suffered the same loss. Those were the people who recommended I keep a journal to record my thoughts, feelings, and events of the first year without him. I quickly welcomed the idea because I was afraid I would slowly begin to lose some of the beautiful memories we created together as time went on. I recently came across my journal, read through it, and decided to share it in the hopes of helping others going through the same pain. I wrote a short history leading up to the night my life changed forever to provide an overview of our relationship, a recap of the years to follow, and a conclusion. I also included in the journal events as they eventually played out.

My journal depicts my feelings at the time they were recorded and are not intended to be mean or judgmental. In speaking with other widows, I found many similarities in the first year after his death; a close friend asking for money, personal injuries, and feelings of isolation.

My intention of this book is solely to help others realize they are not alone in their thoughts and actions after such a life changing event. There are many stages in the mourning process and everyone goes through them at their own pace. No one can be rushed through the process or should be told how to feel and when to feel it. Only the person suffering the loss will know when to put certain things behind them and move on to the next phase.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. -- Rose F. Kennedy

Eighteen Years In Love

Our first date should have been before Valentine’s Day if I wasn’t so stubborn about giving you my telephone number. The prior week we bumped into each other a few times, figuratively. You were on a blind date and standing next to me at the bar of a club I frequented. You continued to step back in to me several times making me quite annoyed. I told my friends if you bumped me one more time I was going to say something. My friends explained we graduated with you and I should feel lucky you were nudging me because they remembered you from all the school performances and plays you starred in, and also thought you were very good looking. I turned toward you, made eye contact, and we spoke briefly that night while your blind date was in the rest room. You told me to make sure I said hi next time we saw one another. The night before Valentine’s Day, I saw you again in the same club. I was there to meet someone who was already with someone else and I was very upset. You invited me to go with you to a local lounge to hear your friends perform in a 50's band. I took you up on your offer but drove my own car. I'm sorry I gave you such a difficult time pursuing me, but I had just come out of an emotionally and physically abusive marriage and getting involved in another relationship was the last thing I wanted. Your friends invited you on stage to perform with them. You sang Love Me Tender and never took your eyes off of me. My life was changed permanently from that moment on.

You showed up at our usual meeting place on Valentine’s Day to give me a single long stemmed rose but I never showed because I feared being stood up on Valentine's Day. You went back the following night and I still never showed. The next day at work I went out to my car at lunch time and found a long stemmed red rose with a note from you on my windshield. The note explained since I wouldn’t give you my telephone number, you gave me yours and asked me to call you. I later found out you searched all the office building parking lots in the area for three hours looking for my car. I called you and we went to see The Breakfast Club that evening. We went to a diner after the movie and talked for hours. It seemed we knew each other our whole lives.

We spent every day together since then. You gave me one rose for our One Month Anniversary, two roses for our Two Month Anniversary, and so on until we were dating a full year. This was just one of the many romantic things you did to win my heart for an eternity.

I worked fulltime as an accountant in the hospitality industry and you owned a pizzeria / restaurant. We both worked a lot of hours but still made the time to see each other every day. I often went to the pizzeria after my job to help so we could lengthen our time together. Our free time was spent playing pool at a local pub, visiting with family,