Adoption: Embracing Harmony and Facing Discord

By Karley Spruce

Adoption: Embracing Harmony and Facing Discord is a compilation of stories shared by people involved in different sides of adoption. Adoptive families experience both great joy and the challenge of navigating complex circumstances when growing their families. The relationships of the children, birth parents, adoptive parents, and siblings all need to be considered, as well as possible extended family. The author is an adoptive parent and grandparent and found that talking with others helped her process her own experiences and better understand the different layers of the adoptive realm. Included in this book are perspectives from adopted persons of different ages, adoptive parents, and birth mothers. Several accounts also include foster-parent experiences. The stories span the last ninety-plus years, are ethnically diverse, and multigenerational. It is the author's hope to raise social awareness about the growing need for more available support and intervention for adoptive families who struggle with serious developmental, identity, and behavioral issues. It is imperative that we explore and develop ways to better meet these concerns, both in the Christian community and in our social systems.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781640795686

Book preview

Matthew, Loved and Chosen

You are nestled in a towel, lying next to me in the bow of our boat. I stroke the top of your head; your buzz cut is growing out and feels like a teddy bear. We are relaxed, boating up the Columbia River, on our last family day together before school starts. This is pure enjoyment. The sun is warm, and you are lulled into an almost-sleepy state by the sound of the engine and the boat’s lazy zigzag movement as your older sister, Sharon, is pulled along on an inflated tube. Neil, your big brother, is napping. Your dad, Jerr, and I soak up the beauty of the tall rocky cliffs, blue sky, and calm water. It is the end of August, and I remind you that it is nearly Celebrate Matthew Day. This makes you smile as you like having two birthday occasions each year. You joined our family six years ago. I tell you the story once again of meeting you for the first time and how glad we are that God brought a family that desired a little boy together with a little boy who needed a family.

I have given much thought to writing a book on adoption and decided I will start with the story of how you came to us. It was a Friday afternoon in August, and I was at home visiting with a close friend when a call came from our adoption agency. Jerr and I had first heard about you the day before and had been given the weekend to think things over, but you were in an unstable situation, and we were now being pressed to give an answer that afternoon. (You were seventeen months old, and your birth mom was several months pregnant with your sister, whom we also hoped to adopt.) I called your dad at work. He could not leave early that day but closed his office door for a while. Our friend knew about our desires and situation. She and I prayed in our living room while Jerr prayed in his office, and we talked again on the phone and decided we were to pursue this.

The weekend was spent putting a letter and pictures together for our caseworker to send to your birth mom. She liked them, and the next week was spent preparing for you. There were numerous phone calls to our agency, extended family, and friends. Sharon and Neil shopped with me; we bought clothes for you as well as a car seat and playpen. I picked out a new teddy bear, went through our toys, and got your bedroom ready. Making the decision to add to our family took a while, and now it was all happening so quickly! Your dad and I left the following weekend for the long drive to meet you.

On a Monday morning early in September, Jerr and I met your caseworker, and she drove us to meet you and your birth mom. You were living in a less-than-ideal situation, and I remember wondering how this day would go and what your birth mom must be feeling. Our two older kids are biologically ours, and I could not imagine giving either of them up; I think this helped me appreciate your birth mom and her courageous decision to choose a better life for you. She greeted us warmly at the door, and I remember seeing you for the first time. You had blond hair, blue eyes, and were dressed in a blue blanket sleeper. As we talked, you played and ate green beans from your high chair while looking us over. We were waiting to see how you would respond to us. You were delayed in your physical development and your speech, but we wanted to connect with you. You made eye contact and let Dad hold you first, and this was a good sign as you were reportedly distrustful of men.

We all spent the afternoon together as we got to know you. Your birth mom told us about herself and shared about you, including your love for chocolate. We all took a drive through a local national park area and went out to dinner. The day went well, but we were emotionally tired by evening. Your birth mom volunteered to let us take you to our hotel for the night, and I will always remember the time I had with you on the drive back. Dad sat in the front, talking with your caseworker. You and I shared the backseat; you were restless and kept trying to get out of your car seat. It was dark, and I softly sang, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, and I talked to you about the moon. I doubt you understood much of what I said, but you heard my voice, and I wondered what you thought. You finally went to sleep in the car seat and did not wake up when we placed you in the playpen at the hotel. Wow! We met you and brought you back with us on the very first night! I called my mom and told her that we actually had you.

The next morning, you looked out from the playpen and were obviously surprised at your new surroundings. We talked to you, and you watched us warily. I gave you a shower, dressed you in new clothes, and fed you. This Tuesday was a big day as we were scheduled to meet with your birth mom in court. The caseworker picked us up and drove us to the courthouse. A social worker was there, and the court appointment went quickly. Your birth mom relinquished her parental rights, and you were placed in the custody of us and that of our adoption agency. Then we all went to McDonalds, where we took some pictures and discussed our communication agreement. You liked the play area and were the center of attention. Your birth mom and her boyfriend brought you a special teddy bear, and there were hugs and tearful good-byes. We were relieved that this went smoothly.

As we had traveled to another state to get you, we now had a waiting period as the interstate paperwork trail went from one official to another and back. You liked to eat, and this was a plus as we spent much time together in restaurants during the next three days. This time that your dad and I spent with you was filled with great bonding opportunities. We got to know each other as we took you on drives and walks in the stroller and to the zoo and introduced you to some of our friends in your state. We bought you some soft-soled Nikes and coached you as you took your first steps alone in our hotel—a real milestone! You worked with us often on strengthening your leg muscles, and we encouraged you to move around. We were finally given the okay to cross state lines with you late on Friday afternoon. By this time, we were tired of hotels and eating out, so we took off, driving until the early morning hours to get home.

Waking up Saturday morning in our own house felt so good. Sharon and Neil had made a long welcome-home banner for you that hung across the living-room wall. They had spent the previous week with various relatives, and we were looking forward to introducing them to you, so we went to pick them up. All of us shared lunch together with your uncle and cousins, whom you happened to resemble. Then we went home to begin bonding as a family.

Our settling-in process began. Friends and relatives called and came by. We were blessed with a crib, toys, gifts, and it was wonderful. You gained many instant supportive relatives from our large extended family. We gradually introduced you to neighbors and took you to church, but we did not leave you with anyone else for some time as we wanted you to build trust with us, and we didn’t want to add to any feelings of abandonment that you might be experiencing. You did wake up at night and cry sometimes in our early months together, but I would hold and comfort you, and you would go back to sleep. I usually rocked and sang to you before tucking you in for naps or for the night.

In our first weeks together, you liked to play with toys quietly in your room. We purposefully sought you out and introduced you to books, talked to you about whatever was going on, played with you, and watched you practice crawling up and down the stairs. Bribing you to walk more, we all stationed ourselves at the four corners of the living room and rewarded you with praise and bites of Reese’s peanut butter cups when you took steps toward us.

We went to evaluations and therapy to help develop your muscle tone and speech. Your therapists gave us a chart of normal development that I taped to a closet door, which reminded us of the areas you needed help with. You made steady progress, but talking seemed difficult for you, so you listened to tapes of kids singing when you went down to sleep. We also taught you simple sign language so you could communicate while eating instead of grunting and having us do the guesswork. You learned to sign for more, all done, please, and thank-you. This gave us all a more-peaceful mealtime, and you gained a sense of accomplishment. You gradually smiled more and became a definite part of our family.

As a stay-at-home mom, I was able to spend plenty of time with you. Your siblings were homeschooling then, so they also played with you and encouraged you. We took walks to the park for PE and flexed their schoolwork around your appointments. You have a cousin who is a year younger than you; both of you quickly grew close and enjoyed spending time together. We purchased a large Little Tikes play set for your first Christmas to encourage your muscle development. We set this up in the rec room, and you enjoyed figuring out new ways to climb up and slide down, sometimes with our coaching.

Our relating and bonding time was not all easy, and we learned patience from each other. You liked to do things your way and often challenged boundaries. This frustrated me, but our caseworker assured me that you needed to know the security of limits, and you frequently checked to see that they were still there. We used time-outs as you approached the age of two, and you seemed to grasp our explanation of limits. You grew to like books, and we all kept reading to you. You had an obvious sense of humor and seemed bright, but verbal communication on your part remained difficult.

Our family dynamics changed, as it always does when a new member is added. Sharon is our oldest and quickly became your big sister. Neil had to give up his place of being the youngest and the only son, and this was a big adjustment. Your siblings are eight to ten years older than you, and they both thought of creative ways to help you. When you would learn something new, we would get you to show Dad when he came home from work.

We finalized your adoption during your first April with us and had you formally dedicated at church on Mother’s Day. The pastor spoke about you being joined to our family and read verses about God’s desire to adopt us all as his children because of his Son, Jesus. He prayed a blessing over you. It was a precious time, and not felt just by us but by others in the congregation.

Over the next couple of years, your development rapidly moved forward. I was so proud of you and your progress! Activities you especially enjoyed were handling Play-Doh, taking walks, riding in your stroller, and playing out in your sandbox. We hung a swing and a bar for you from the roof of our covered porch. You learned how to ride a Big Wheel. You liked small objects and would place them from one container to another and back. We built with blocks together. I checked out educational videos from the library for you to watch. You loved parks, play areas, and visiting the beach. Winter brought snow, and when I bundled you up in a snowsuit, you would sit outside and lick the flakes off your wet mittens, making your cheeks bright red. Inside, you liked to ride on our backs and wrestle if our play stayed gentle; but if Dad and the two older kids got rough with each other at all, you let us know you were unhappy. You did talk some more but were not easy to understand. You enjoyed your Sunday school class and became very sociable.

We decided from the beginning to be honest