She Took My Heart and Went Crazy

1

I Am Who I Am

Foot Locker was packed, as always, as Reagan pulled Killian through the store. It was Saturday evening, and there had been two new sneaker releases. People were all over the store either making purchases or preparing to. Killian included. Anytime he was with Reagan there was money to be spent. No matter how hard he tried to fight it.

Killian, please? I want the blue and the black ones. Reagan rubbed up and down his arm with her signature smile on her face.

Killian’s head tilted to the side some as his eyes roamed over the blue leather material on the shoe then the black cloth on the other. He rubbed his chin and stuck one of his hands in his pocket.

Why you want two pairs of the same shoe?

Because I can’t choose which color I like the most.

Killian continued to observe the new Rihanna Pumas that Reagan was begging for. It wasn’t really anything he needed to contemplate because he already knew he was about to cash out on her. He always did. He just liked to see her pout. She was beautiful and convincing, so whenever she wanted him to buy her something, without a thought, he was buying it.

You must think my money grows on trees or something.

Reagan stepped to him and grabbed the front of his jacket. No, I just think you love me.

Killian was smiling and shaking his head when he finally stepped out of her grasp. He was a cake, and he hated it. He was forever spending his money on women. Especially Reagan. She was his main thing at the moment and everything in between. Though it was unwanted, she helped pass the time by, and that was good enough for him. The only thing he hated was the feelings he felt brewing. It was like as much as wanted to not like her, spending time with her made that impossible.

Man, come on to this register.

Reagan’s smile shone brighter than the fluorescent lights in the ceiling as she came lightly off her feet with glee.

See, this is why you’re my baby.

You know if I got it, it’s yours. Killian’s words rolled smoothly from his lips as he reached behind him to grab her hand.

His hand grazed her fingertips and fell back by his side. He looked over his shoulder to see what had prevented him from holding her hand and saw her digging in her purse. Since there were still a few people in front of him waiting to be checked out, he was able to give her his full attention.

Reagan’s eyebrows frowned lightly as she tapped away on her cell phone. Her smile had been perfect until she removed her phone from her purse. Whatever she saw clearly had her discombobulated. Like he always did, Killian stood back and observed her behavior without any objection.

Though their relationship wasn’t an ordinary one, he trusted her to be who she was. They’d made it very clear that they were past lovers, they were friends. Whenever they were together, they talked, laughed, and played like teenagers. On top of all the platonic stuff, Reagan showed Killian love. It wasn’t the skip a heartbeat kind of love, but it was there. Even if it was just because he was always buying her something.

Reagan had never been that type of woman, so he didn’t push her. She liked to shop, hang out, and chill. Nothing too extreme or too personal. Though the happily ever after type of relationship hadn’t been what Reagan wanted, in the hidden part of his heart, that was the total opposite of what he wanted. Killian was ready to love and be loved, but he’d never tell her. The way her love included his wallet and affection only reminded him to keep his truest desires where they were.

With Reagan, he had to be careful, specifically with his growing urge to be in a committed relationship. Killian liked to receive affection and loved to give it even more when he was in love, but that just wasn’t Regan, and he didn’t press her. He never wanted to pressure her to be more than what she was. That wasn’t love.

Rea, you good? Killian’s voice fell on deaf ears as she continued to text on her phone.

Killian watched her for a few more seconds before turning around to pay for her things. He moved up in line, taking in the atmosphere around him. The store was jammed packed with women and men doing pretty much the same thing he was doing.

Women laughing and talking while men were either counting money, handing it over, or speaking loudly on their cell phones. Clearly, the relationship he shared with Reagan was no different than the rest of the ones circulating around him.

Will that be all for you, sir? The chipper cashier caught Killian’s attention.

He nodded once while watching her ring up the shoes. The total transaction took about five minutes, and Killian was preparing to leave the store. Once he spun around and saw that Reagan was now standing near the door talking on the phone, he became somewhat uncomfortable.

Her eyes were glossy with tears while she fiddled with the long, black strap of her purse. She was so enthralled with her conversation that she hadn’t paid any attention to his approach until he was standing in front of her. They made eye contact, and she gave him a light smile before holding up one finger.

Killian nodded but didn’t move. When she noticed she no longer had any privacy, she walked away. His eyes followed her to the small, white bench in the center of the mall. She didn’t say anything else until she was seated. Killian wanted to read her lips to get some kind of idea of what could have had her that upset, but she’d covered her mouth with the palm of her hand.

Something similar to what a person would do if they were talking with food in their mouth. Until then, her conversation hadn’t necessarily bothered him, but his curiosity was on the verge of getting the best of him.

It didn’t take much for Killian’s mind to get the best of him. Especially when it came to women. For as far back as he could remember, women had been a sore spot for him. They had been the one thing he lacked confidence in. No matter how hard he tried to ignore the things that had been blatantly slapped in his face since childhood when women were involved, it surfaced with a vengeance.

Just as Killian decided to approach Reagan about who she was speaking with, he heard his cousin, Onyx’s voice behind him.

Nigga, why you ain’t tell me you were coming out here?

Killian turned around and dapped Onyx up before stepping back and giving him the once over. The slim fit pants and expensive looking button-down shirt with the olive colored daddy hat was just Onyx’s style.

What’s good, pretty boy?

Onyx rubbed his manicured beard playfully. Ain’t shit. Just out here getting Jay this jacket she wanted.

Oh, bet. That’s the same thing I’m doing. You already know Reagan ain’t letting my pockets rest.

Where she at? Onyx looked around.

Killian reluctantly nodded his head toward Reagan. He already knew Onyx was going to state the obvious. He wasn’t as passive as Killian. His gut twisted when he and Onyx found her in the same spot doing the same thing she’d been doing for the past few minutes. She was still fussing, but now she’d added hand movements as well.

Who the fuck she talking to? Got her sitting in this mall crying and arguing and shit?

Killian shrugged it off. Probably her lil’ boyfriend.

Onyx’s head whipped around to Killian. You stay saying that like it’s normal or something.

It is, nigga. Killian chuckled nervously. You know what kind of women I deal with.

Onyx’s eyebrows furrowed as he stared at Killian for a few seconds before shaking his head disapprovingly.

I don’t see how in the world you do this shit.

It ain’t no thing. I knew she had a nigga when we started kicking it. I ain’t sweating her.

Bruh, you deserve better than this.

Killian looked over at Reagan again before shrugging nonchalantly. It’s easier to just be boyfriend number two. You and I both know these hoes ain’t loyal, so why even bother?

Onyx’s frown grew deeper. Fuck all that. It’s some good women out here, you just ain’t checking for ’em.

I just ain’t looking for the headache. All I need is somebody to keep me some company when I’m bored, and that’s it. Nothing more.

That’s a lie, and you know it, Onyx responded indignantly.

Killian could feel the energy between him and Onyx shifting some. It was about to get way more serious than Killian felt like dealing with at that moment and probably wouldn’t end well. Anytime Killian was with a woman, Onyx had something to say. For some reason, he felt Killian’s love life was his concern.

It really ain’t. I can’t take these women seriously. I’ve been tricking off with other niggas’ women for years now. They sit around me talking to their man, lying about where they are and shit. Killian raised his eyebrows and grinned lazily. Now, you tell me why I would willingly subject myself to that kind of ignorance.

That’s because you’re dealing with low down bitches who can’t be trusted. Get you a good one like the one I found, and I bet your tune changes.

I’m straight by myself.

Onyx’s head shook once again. You can’t stay in your li’l raggedy ass shell forever.

Nigga, my shell ain’t raggedy. It’s pretty fucking fly, actually. Killian playfully rubbed his hand over the distressed jean jacket he was wearing.

Onyx slapped the back of Killian’s shoulder while he laughed. Fly and lonely. Fly and fucking lonely, my boy.

Call it what you want. I’m getting pussy.

That’s all you’re getting, though. If a shared piece of ass and an empty wallet is your relationship goals, then do your thing.

Their laughter erupted, drawing attention from other shoppers. The two of them continued to converse for a minute before Onyx told him to follow him into the store they were in front of. Killian gave Reagan a quick glance over his shoulder before leaving her to tend to her problems.

Inside the store, Onyx browsed through the racks of male clothing while Killian stood idly by. He’d done enough shopping that morning to last him for the rest of the week, he was in no mood to spend any more money. Besides, shopping with Onyx could take all day. That nigga was like a female when it came to clothes.

He could literally spend hours in one store piecing together a single outfit. Killian loved to dress, and could put plenty of niggas to shame, but when it came to fashion, Onyx still had him beat. Onyx was his blood cousin, and one of the only people he dealt with on a personal level. The other being his best friend, Gabrion. He and Gabrion had been college roommates and had been friends ever since.

It didn’t take long for Gabrion and Onyx to click as well. Gabrion was a cool dude who liked to chill and have fun. He too loved clothes and women, so he blended well with Killian and Onyx. On more days than one, the three of them would kick shit all day doing nothing but talking dreams and drinking. Real nigga shit.

Upon graduation, Killian moved out of Georgia for a little while, but the moment he was back in his city, he and Gabrion had moved in together. Once again, they were roommates, entertaining women, and living life. Onyx joined occasionally, but he was on his faithful lover boy shit, so he was left out frequently with no objection.

Other than occasional clubbing, the trio was inseparable unless Onyx was ducked off somewhere with his wife, Jaylen. Jaylen was a pretty, successful, and headstrong woman with a lot of commendable things going on for herself. Onyx had met her in their last semester of graduate school, fallen in love, and married her three months later. That had only been two years ago, so they were still very much newlyweds and didn’t mind showing it.

Though she’d begun taking up most of Onyx’s free time, Killian and Gabrion were both happy for them. Jaylen was the independent type who didn’t want or need anything from Onyx, so they couldn’t even hate on him. All she wanted was to hang around, love on him, and make him a better man. She’d easily made that an accomplished mission. Onyx was a new person.

A lady’s man turned head over heels in love husband, Onyx was mastering his new identity like a boss. At 6’3", Onyx was light skinned with a low fade and deep pockets. The dimples in his cheeks and the perfect set of white teeth kept women in his face, but he finessed his way out of it every time. He already knew Jaylen wasn’t having that.

Look at this shirt, is it the same color as the red in this jacket? Onyx stood in front of Killian with a shirt for him in one hand and the jacket he’d bought Jaylen in the other.

See, that was the sucker duck in love stuff he’d mentioned earlier. Jaylen had Onyx gone. With a smirk on his face, Killian nodded.

Yeah, it’s perfect. Y’all gon’ look like twins.

Nigga, fuck you. Onyx chuckled as he walked off.

Killian laughed to himself as he watched Onyx go back to the rack he’d just come from and begin fumbling through the clothing again.

From the time they’d been kids, Onyx had been a pretty boy. Versus dressing in the baggy jeans and urban labeled clothes like everyone else, he was busy sporting the fitted pants and preppy collar shirts. As much as Killian pretended to hate his cousin’s clothes, he didn’t. It was fly, and only a blind nigga would say otherwise.

Babe. Reagan’s hand rested on Killian’s shoulder.

What’s good? He spoke to her without bothering to turn around.

You ready?

Now, he turned, with a minor scowl on his face. Why? Your dude making you come home? And, what your eyes doing red? You out there crying?

Reagan’s head turned quickly as she blinked a few times. She kept her eyes locked on the door until she’d gotten herself together, even wiping her eyes a couple more times.

The fuck is your problem? Onyx’s deep voice interrupted Reagan’s sniffles.

She and Killian both looked in his direction. It was no secret to Killian that Onyx hated Reagan. He made it blatantly obvious every time she came around. On most occasions, he could suppress his attitude toward her, but clearly right then wasn’t one of those days. Killian thought about correcting him for talking to her like that but changed his mind. Reagan deserved exactly what Onyx was desperate to give her.

Onyx, don’t start with me today.

Don’t start with you? Shit, you started with me. Coming up in here looking crazy while I’m trying to shop.

Nigga, I wasn’t even bothering you.

Says who?

Reagan sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes before looking at Killian. He was laid back in the chair casually watching the two of them bicker. His hand rested over his mouth while his face remained serious.

Babe, can we go?

Yeah, babe, can y’all go? Onyx chuckled before sticking his hand out to dap Killian up.

Killian pushed it away and shook his head. Nah, Reagan, you go ahead. I’ll catch up with you later. I’ma stay here and chill for a minute.

Reagan’s eyes bulged in surprise as she snaked her neck in Killian’s direction. What you mean go ahead? You’re not coming with me?

Nah.

Why not?

Killian stood to his feet. It looks like you might need a minute to yourself. You go ahead, and I’ll hit you up later.

Reagan stood dumbfounded for a minute before snatching her bags from his hand and stomping out of the store. Killian watched her until he could no longer see her before looking at Onyx. He’d walked away again and was browsing the shoes in the back. Killian went to him just as he picked up a black loafer and asked for his size.

Kill, I don’t know why you sell yourself so short, my nigga.

I don’t. Killian rubbed his ear nonchalantly.

You do, and you know it, but that’s your shit. If you don’t care to do nothing about it, then what can I say?

Onyx walked over to the sales girl and grabbed the shoe from her hand. As he sat down to try it on, Killian looked around the store aimlessly. For a dude like Onyx, dating women came as natural as breathing. It was easy. All he had to do was be himself, and the women flocked. With Killian, it was a different story. He wasn’t like Onyx in the ways that mattered.

True enough, Killian’s pockets were just as deep, his clothes were just as expensive and looked just as nice on him as Onyx and Gabrion’s looked on them, but it was still different. Killian had been a loner for most of his life. Only dealing closely with his family and no one else. He’d never made friends, never hung out casually with women, never done any of the things that men like Onyx and Gabrion did, and it was all because he was different.

Though sometimes different was good, in Killian’s opinion, his different was irritating and a lonely reality that he’d been forced to live with. Different to everyone else meant various tastes in clothes, a wild hair color, tall, short, blue, red, green, and all that other stuff, but to Killian, different meant ugly.

A lot of his life he’d chosen to ignore it, but the fact of the matter was, he wasn’t attractive. The best thing he had going for himself was his dark skin, pretty lips, and his career, but that was it. Never in his life had women flocked to him for him to think otherwise. Though his skin was smooth, his clothes were fresh, and his swag was on one hundred, Killian still wasn’t the pick of the litter.

He’d blown money on a few women in the past in attempts to initiate some sort of relationship, but it never worked. He’d even let his guard down completely with one woman in particular, and that had been the worst decision of his life. All it left him was a broken heart and