Brokenhearted Girl: When Your Heart Hurts

1

Treasure Love

Five years ago

The year of 2010

Ihad to be around 26 weeks pregnant right now. The only reason I’m not confident is that I haven’t been to a doctor since I found out about this pregnancy. Truth is, no one even knew about this pregnancy except for myself and my stepfather, William. Well, I really wouldn’t say that he’s my stepfather because him and my mother, Terry, aren’t even together. One would think that they were married because my mother worshiped the ground that his ass walked on. Truth be told, there used to be a time when I loved and adored William because a young girl like myself yearned to have that father figure, and I kind of feel like he took advantage of that.

Hell, he took advantage of a lot of things. Like, using the fact that my mother works overnight at the hospital as an opportunity to come inside my bedroom and do whatever he wanted to me. Him doing whatever he wanted to me caused me to get pregnant. I begged William for the money to get an abortion, but he threatened that if I ever killed his baby, that he would kill me. I couldn’t go to my mother and tell her because she would probably kill me too. I know she would never believe me if I tell her that William had been raping me for the past two years. Her head was so far stuck up his ass, that times I felt like I didn’t even exist to her. I felt like she wasn’t reading any of the signs that I had been throwing out to her.

I remember when Rick first started coming into my room, which is when I was fourteen years old. I would literally get down on my knees and beg my mama to stay home from work that night because I knew the chances were less likely of him coming inside of my room if she were to stay. Of course, she would still leave, and the second she was out the door, William would be inside of my room and in between my legs. In the beginning, he was wearing condoms, but he said that the older I got, the better my teenage vagina started feeling to him, so for the past year or so, he hasn’t been using any type of protection.

I was only sixteen, so I didn’t know a lot of things about pregnancy, but I did know that I was supposed to carry this baby until at least forty weeks. Here I am, only twenty-six weeks, and I woke up to the worst cramps in the world and fluids coming out of my body like I had peed on myself or something. I quickly got out of the bed and turned on my bedroom light. I looked down and noticed that a clear substance was coming out of me, and that’s when reality hit me that my water had broken. Wasn’t it too soon for this to be happening? I was so confused.

As another pain struck through my back, I walked down the long hallway to get to William and my mother’s room. I opened the door and found William lying in bed, on his side, deeply snoring as if he didn’t have a care in this world. Funny thing is, William was a nice looking man, which is why I didn’t understand why he did some of the things that he had done to me. I mean, wasn’t my mother enough for him? Anyway, he was about six feet even in height, and his skin was a light skinned color, almost making him look white. He had little specks of freckles on his face, and he was very cocky. He kept his hair cut to show off his waves, and a little patch of hair for a goatee. He had the perfect set of white teeth and a dimple on the left side of his cheek. One look at William and you was in love, but I knew this monster, and I knew that no love came out of a man like him.

William! William, get up! I said, shaking him.

As I shook him, I looked at the time, and I realized that it was 7:10 in the morning. My mother got off work at the hospital 7:00 in the morning, so we had time to get out of this house and make it there and not run into her.

What, Treasure? Damn! he barked, sitting up in the bed and running his hand over his face. He had some nerve to have a damn attitude when I was the one standing here in all of this pain.

I think I’m in labor, I told him.

He quickly looked at me and saw all the fluids that were still running down my legs.

How the fuck is that even possible? It hasn’t even been a full nine months yet! he said, getting out of the bed.

I don’t know, but we need to get down to the hospital. I am in pain, and I need to find out what’s going on! I all but screamed at him.

He turned around and looked at me like I was crazy. Bitch, you crazier than I thought if you think I’m taking your little ass to the fuckin hospital! Get your ass in that bathroom. We about to deliver this baby right now! he said, roughly pushing me.

I wanted to rebel, but I knew that nothing nice would come out of that. Not only does William rape me, but he doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself, either. I’ve had many black eyes. Everyone knew that I was a loner, especially at school, so when my mother would see them, she just thought that I was being bullied again. Most mothers would have actually cared, but not my mother. That is why I was able to tell her so many lies to cover up William’s tracks, and she would believe them.

On the night of February 2, 2010, I lay on the bathroom floor and pushed a two-pound baby out of my young, teenage body. William sat before me as my legs were propped open and he played doctor. When the baby was out, he was literally able to hold it in the palm of his hand. Truth is, I didn’t know whether the baby was dead or not, and honestly, I didn’t know how to feel about it.

What are we going to do? I asked him, laying my head against the shower wall. I was drained, and my body was still in pain.

"Your mama will be home in about five minutes. I’m about to wrap this baby up and sit it on the porch. When your mom gets home, we will all act surprised, like this is all of our first time seeing this damn baby. And bitch, you better play along! Your mother is a fuckin’ nurse for goodness sake, so she will see an unhealthy baby and want to help. I know my woman, and I know that if this baby lives, she will want to take care of it, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do! This will be me and your mother’s child, and all you are is the big sister. This conversation will never leave this fuckin room, Treasure. If anybody ever finds this out, I know it will be you who told because I’m not stupid enough to incriminate myself. I have no problem killing you, Treasure. Do we have an understanding?’ he asked me.

I just nodded my head yes.

William rushed out of the room and wrapped the baby up, while I grabbed some towels that were in the hall closet and cleaned up all the fluids that I had left in their bedroom. I felt like some type of monster, agreeing to this plan. I would have to lie for the rest of my life to everyone around me, but the major person that this was going to hurt was the child if he or she were to survive. My heart had already been broken the day that William came into my room, but I just knew that after this, I would be scarred for good.

2

Treasure Love

Five years later

The present; 2015

Everything William said had worked out. We set the baby on the porch five years ago, and literally five minutes later, my mom pulled her car into the driveway. I watched the whole thing take place from upstairs in my bedroom, looking out of the window. My mom saw the baby on the porch and she damn near had a heart attack. William played the role really well by coming outside to see what was going on. I watched as my mom pointed to the baby that was on the floor, and William picked it up. Sure enough, when all three of us went to the hospital that same day, I was indeed twenty-six weeks just like I thought, and the baby was the two pounds that I had predicted.

Due to her being born prematurely, she suffered many complications, the biggest one being cerebral palsy. At the time, I didn’t even know what that was, but what I did know was that my child would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. She would also be deaf and blind. When I found that out five years ago, I cried so bad in that hospital room because I knew that we couldn’t keep a baby like that.

What was supposed to be a hushed discussion between my mother and William turned out to be something that I was able to overhear. I heard William tell my mother that due to him not being able to work right now, he needed the money that he would receive for adopting the child with disabilities. If I never hated that man before, I damn sure hated him now. He didn’t care about what the child was going to go through, all he cared was about the little bit of money that he was going to receive.

This was my birth daughter, but I was supposed to take on the role of the big sister. It was me who did everything for Miracle. Yes, it was me who came up with the name Miracle because that’s what my baby was to me. She came into this world only weighing two pounds, and she fought her little heart out to stay here. Over the years, William and my mother acted like Miracle doesn’t even exist. I mean, I do everything for her, and often times I feel like they are embarrassed by her. Sometimes, when we have company over, they make me take Miracle to the back so that nobody has to see her.

Having a child with cerebral palsy requires around the clock care, and I had just landed a job last month at Ihop so I couldn’t be with Miracle all the time. I knew that I couldn’t depend on my mother or William, which is why I had to end up hiring a nurse. All of my money went to the nurse and things for Miracle, and I was fine with that.

Standing in the mirror that was in the hall bathroom, I gave myself a once over. I didn’t even know what to say about myself because it’s been so long that I even looked at myself in an attractive manner. I stood about 5’4", and my skin was the color of caramel, the same skin tone as my mother. I had long, sandy brown dreads that stopped a little below the center of my back, which I have been growing since I was four years old. I will say that my dreads look very nice on me because of the type of silky hair that I had, and I never have to worry about my edges looking rough because my baby hairs were to die for. I often got compliments on my dreads, especially from women. My eyes were a greenish-hazelish color that I’m pretty sure I inherited from my father because my mother’s eyes were brown. I had full, pink lips, which I hated because it was one of the many things that attracted William to me in the first place. Due to the level of stress that I put myself under, I only weighed about a good one hundred and five pounds; if that.

Most people would probably look at me and think that I’m beautiful, but when I think of some of the things that William has done to me or made me do to him when I was younger, it caused me to feel so low about myself. Anyway, I stood in the mirror in my work uniform and I looked down at my vans that had holes in it. I hated it because whenever it started raining while I was walking to work, the water would get all in my shoes, making my feet wet. I knew I needed a new pair of shoes, and depending on how much money I make in tips tonight, I may go and purchase me some tomorrow since I’m off. I felt so bad whenever I used my money on myself because I felt like I was taking something away from Miracle.

Walking outside the bathroom, I headed back to my room, which I had also turned into Miracle’s nursery. The bed that I used to have was long gone because Miracle needed a certain type of bed to sleep in. It took up a lot of space, but it didn’t matter because it was a couch in there as well that I had turned into my bed. I mean, it wasn’t anything compared to being able to sleep in an actual bed, but it would work for now.

When I walked into the room, the nurse, Ms. Brandy was feeding Miracle. I placed my dirty clothes that I had in my hands inside the hamper and I walked over to where Miracle was sitting in her highchair. Even though Miracle couldn’t see or hear, she still had a sense of smell, so her big cheeks went to beaming when she smelled my presence. I always wore my warm vanilla lotion and perfume because Miracle would know that I was around.

Look at her smiling for you, Ms. Brandy said, and it caused me to smile as well.

Before I left the room, I placed a kiss on Miracle’s forehead, and I was out. I passed my mom and William, who were sitting in the living room area. I just waved bye to them before I left. There was a bus stop that was a two-minute walk from my house, and it would probably get me to my job in one minute, but I was so cheap that I would rather just walk the ten minutes that it took me to get to work. That’s probably why I have all these damn holes in my shoes.

Today, I was scheduled to work from 1 until 11, and I prayed that today was a better day because yesterday was crazy. I dropped two plates of food, got cursed out by a lot of customers, and my boss had to talk to me in private because he said that I was making rookie mistakes.

It was going on six o’clock and I had been working five hours straight and I hadn’t gone on break yet. Treasure, you think you can stay until two a.m. because Britany called out? my manager asked me.

I wanted to say no so badly, but due to the talk that he had to have with me yesterday, I felt like it was only right that I said yes.

Yeah, I’ll stay, I told him.

I hated that I was going to have to ask Ms. Brandy if she could stay until I got off work, but I had to because I didn’t trust leaving Miracle in the room unattended. Truth is, I didn’t trust William because he was sick in the head.

Eleven o’clock rolled around and I was counting down the three hours that I had left. I had just finished giving a couple their food when about five niggas walked into the restaurant, and they all had a chick on their side. These niggas were fine, and it was something about them that screamed money and power. I mean,