Reclaiming Your Confidence

By Cynthia Lee

Once upon a time, you were confident. Children start that way. It's what enables them to reach for a hand or flat surface to pull themselves up to standing when they're just beginning to walk. It's how they play and learn and grow. Visit any playground, and you'll see this kind of confidence in action in a thousand different ways. Sadly, confidence isn't a constant thing. We're never entirely fully confident. So, while we might find the courage to ask out that special someone, we might find this same confidence faltering when we think about asking them to marry us after months of dating. Or we're confident enough to do well on the job interview but lack the confidence to ask for a raise even though we've been at the job a while now and know we deserve it. Often, this is because something along the way has shaken our confidence, if not broken it outright.

 

This book is about fixing all that.

 

In the pages to come, you're going to learn how to give confidence a boost when it's flagging, overcome self-sabotage, and understand how affirmation can improve your confidence.

 

Sound good? Then sit back and prepare yourself for a story. The main character is a more confident, happieryou. Ready? Let's begin.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cynthia Lee
• Release date: Jun 10, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201491970

Cynthia Lee

My name is Cynthia Lee, and I am so glad that you’re here! I am an Army Veteran, confidence coach, wellness mentor, and productivity expert, based in Columbia, SC. I have carved out this small corner of the internet to share with you my journey of healing in hopes that it will help heal you. As a person suffering through depression and the child of a schizophrenic mother, I found that there are several misconceptions about what I and others go through on a daily basis, and it’s easy to feel misunderstood.  I have been devoting myself to self-care, poetry, and inspiring others has helped me to find my new happiness. So much so, I want to share it with the world and help to guide others struggling with mental illnesses and helping people gain confidence back within themselves. I am a firm believer that when you have confidence in your abilities and yourself that you can accomplish anything!  Capricious Lee has helped me discover my capabilities, maximize my talents, and build community. I hope my capricious creative expression and my desires to help you to build self-confidence, finds you and can be a guidepost in you returning to your own happiness too.  Wherever you are in your healing journey, allow this space to be a place where you can feel safe and see yourself reflected creatively and authentically. Thanks for coming along for the ride. We are in this together.  XOXOXO, CYNTHIA LEE

Book preview

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While all attempts have been made to verify the information provided in this publication, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein.

This book is for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed are those of the author alone and should not be taken as expert instructions or commands. The reader is responsible for his or her actions.

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Any perceived slight of any individual or organization is purely unintentional.

INTRODUCTION

Once upon a time, you were confident. Children start that way. It’s what enables them to reach for a hand or flat surface to pull themselves up to standing when they’re just beginning to walk. It’s how they play and learn and grow. Visit any playground, and you’ll see this kind of confidence in action in a thousand different ways.

Sadly, confidence isn’t a constant thing. We’re never entirely fully confident. So, while we might find the courage to ask out that special someone, we might find this same confidence faltering when we think about asking them to marry us after months of dating. Or we’re confident enough to do well on the job interview but lack the confidence to ask for a raise even though we’ve been at the job a while now and know we deserve it. Often, this is because something along the way has shaken our confidence, if not broken it outright.

This book is about fixing all that.

In the pages to come, you’re going to learn how to give confidence a boost when it’s flagging, overcome self-sabotage, and understand how affirmation can improve your confidence.

Sound good? Then sit back and prepare yourself for a story. The main character is a more

THE CONFIDENCE CHECK

WHO ARE YOU WHEN YOU’RE CONFIDENT?

Does this question leave you a little flustered? To some, the idea might seem difficult. They’ll answer immediately, I’m not confident, and may have trouble even remembering a time they were confident. You might be bothered by the question, especially if you’re not sure why confidence should matter at all.

If that’s the case for you, perhaps it’s time to take a closer look at confidence itself. You might not have a clear understanding of just what it is or why it’s essential.

What is Confidence?

When you think of someone confident, what do you see? You probably see someone with a particular set of traits including several, if not all the items from this list:

•  They have an absolute, set belief in themselves

•  They consider themselves capable of handling the situation they’re in

•  They expect success when they begin a new task

•  When they speak, they mean what they say

•  They hold themselves in a way that looks natural but full of strength

•  They seem comfortable in their skin

•  At the same time, they’re not overbearing or cocky in their attitude

•  They take risks

•  They don’t miss out on fresh opportunities

In all of this, you’ll find one thing linking all these traits: this feeling of confidence comes from inside the individual, not outside.

There is nothing in this world that can make you confident... but you.

Our definition then becomes straightforward: Confidence is a belief you hold inside of yourself. It tells you that you can handle whatever comes your way. This feeling is so strong it translates into a sureness of yourself even in new or challenging situations.

The critical thing to remember is that this kind of feeling doesn’t come without merit. This has to be a genuine assurance, born of a realistic understanding of what you’re capable of.

Confidence is strongest when it’s built out of self-awareness and experience. We’ll talk about this more in chapter three.

On the other hand, confidence also involves a delicate balance. If you overestimate yourself, you can become cocky or arrogant. If you’re underestimating? Then you become hesitant and unsure.

Confused? Let’s put this another way.

Confidence can be talked about as ‘owning’ the situation. Think about the person who walks into a room and has the attention of everyone there. Not because they’re loud or brash but because they look so totally in the moment. A confident person has a certain charismatic charm born of inner peace that comes from being content with who they are. If you’re a confident person, there’s no room for the awkward anxiety we too often exhibit when we feel out of our depth. The confident person is relaxed and sure of themselves, and everyone around them knows it.

How do they do that?

•  They’re in the moment

They’re not worrying about something that happened 10 minutes ago, 10 hours ago, or ten years ago. They also aren’t fretting about the future. They’re here, right now.

•  They’re Not Worrying About You

Your opinions are worthy of respect. A confident person will take the time to listen to them. But they’re not going to care overly much about whether you agree with them or not. They’re comfortable in their beliefs, they’re sure in their speech, and the last thing they’re doing is stressing about whether they fit in or not. They’re just there, doing their thing.

•  They Do What They Love

This means they dress in clothes they find comfortable, pursue opportunities designed to get them where they want to go, and have a focus designed around their own goals and personal belief system. A confident person does a lot more leading than following and typically isn’t motivated by a lot of ‘should.’

Confident people sound remarkable, don’t they? But are they selfish? After all, a confident person is just out for themselves, right?

They have some pretty solid reasons for being confident. Keep reading, and you’ll find out why confidence is so critical.

Why Is Confidence Important?

In truth, confident people enjoy a lot of things in life that people who aren’t confident don’t. They’re generally more relaxed. They experience less stress and tend to be much happier than everyone else. Maybe this isn’t selfish so much as it is healthy. You might even go so far as to say this is the life everyone is meant to have. Let’s look at a few other positive traits that come from being confident:

THEY ARE CALM

If you’re plagued by anxiety or worry regularly, it might be because you lack confidence. All these negative emotions are based on one thing: fear. Confidence is the ultimate fear-buster. Anxious about driving? The confident driver knows they are capable of handling the car under any condition and can manage even the unexpected when it comes up. Worried about finances? The confident person knows what’s in their bank account, has a good sense of when and where they’ll be paid next, and has a handle on the bills. It’s no wonder the confident person is less stressed!

They Push Yourself More

Knowing they’ve accomplished things before (and they have), a confident person tends to look forward to the next challenge and the next opportunity to do something interesting. They tend to want to see over the next horizon and explore more to find out where the boundaries are. The funny thing? The more they push, the less likely they are to find those boundaries. This leads to exponential growth, which in turn leads to more confidence. It’s an astounding cycle.

They Set Bigger Goals

To a confident person, there’s not much satisfaction in doing what’s easy. They tend to set more grandiose goals just because they’re confident they can accomplish them. These great big goals can be in anything from trying to do something big in their careers, all the way to reaching scary goals in their personal lives. The sky really is the limit.

They Make Better Decisions

Confident people are assured of what they know. As a result, they don’t waste much time questioning themselves when it comes time to make decisions. Because they don’t make decisions until they’re sure of their understanding of the situation, they’re also more likely to hold back and think things through before deciding the first place. This means their decisions are usually better than those belonging to the average person. Think about this for a minute. If your choices tend to be correct, then you’ll start feeling more confident in your decision-making ability, leading to confidence in your next decision. Again, this cycle of confidence feeds on itself and keeps growing.

They Get Stuff Done

The confident person doesn’t put off tasks because they know they can handle the steps required to complete them. They also have a better sense of how long it will take to perform a task, meaning they’re also better at budgeting their time to get things done. All of this means is that stuff gets done when a confident person is on the job. This kind of work ethic pays out in other ways as well. The confident person is the one everyone wants to hire on their project because managers know they can count on them to do what is needed.

They Know How to Get What They Want

A confident person doesn’t wait around to see if someone offers them what they need. Being confident means they recognize they have value, and as a result, their needs are not only important but completely valid. This gives them the ability to speak up and ask for things,

whether it’s a glass of water when thirsty or a raise from the boss when they recognize they’ve advanced within the company to where it’s merited. They also aren’t afraid to keep asking when they know the cause is right and will frequently take their confidence and channel it into activism when they see a wrong needing to be righted.

They’re More Interesting to Everyone Else

Everyone loves hanging around with a confident person. Why? For one thing, they’re more relaxing to be around. Confident people aren’t full of pretense. They are what they are, so you’re not wasting time playing games when you’re trying to talk to them. In fact, they tend to draw people in with their natural charisma that comes from being confident. Confident people never lack for friends. In the world of romance, the confident person is the one who gets the dates and is more likely to be in a stable relationship than someone who isn’t self-assured.

Confident people are incredible. In fact, you’re probably realizing this because you recognize more times when you were already confident.

So, what happened?

WHEN DID I LOSE MY CONFIDENCE?

Feeling confident?

Chances are, you have some room for improvement in this area. Most of us do! The funny thing is, we get so used to the way we are, we tend not to notice just how bad things have gotten until we take a step back and seriously look at ourselves. It’s like the analogy of the frog in the pot.

If you don’t know the story, it goes like this: Someone wanted to cook a frog (don’t ask me why just go with it). The frog was already in the pot, but the person had no lid to keep the frog in.

Initially, the frog didn’t mind the situation. The water was cool and relaxing, so he stayed where he was. The cook decided to keep the frog from hopping out to heat the water gradually, so the frog got used to the hot temperature in degrees. Over time, he kept heating the water until it becomes hotter and boiled until...well, you can guess the end.

The point is, we tend to get used to uncomfortable things over time, so much so they’ve become normal to us. While you might not be as confident as you once were, your lack of confidence somewhere along the line became the new normal. It’s only in looking back and taking an honest assessment of where you are now before you can see what’s happened.

How Do I Know I Have Lost Confidence?

As with anything, there are generally signs that something is wrong, which might lead you to a particular conclusion. The problem is, a single symptom can mean more than one thing, so

what you need to look at is the grouping of items as a whole. For example, having a stuffed-up nose might mean you have a cold. Or the flu. Or problems with allergies. It’s the other symptoms (like the presence of fever) that tell the whole story. Look at this list and ask yourself honestly if you’ve been experiencing any of these traits. If you notice you’re experiencing any of these regularly, it’s safe to assume your confidence needs work.

You Apologize a Lot

When you start apologizing for things automatically, whether they’re your fault or not, you’re making an assumption you’re in the wrong somehow, casting doubt on your actions.

You Overreact to Critics

A confident person can accept criticism. When you obsess over what someone else has to say, you’re showing you lack confidence in your abilities, especially in those areas where you’re being criticized.

You Pull Away from Social Situations

Social gatherings can be a nightmare for the person lacking confidence. If you’re staying home because you’re afraid you won’t fit in, think no one will talk to you, or worry no one will like you, then you’re having issues with confidence in this area.

You Are Defensive

We become defensive when we can’t come up with good reasons to support our position. This means you’re not confident in what you’re saying or what you believe.

You Obsess About Your Problems

A focus on how things are going wrong, a victim mentality, or constant worry about your problems shows you have no confidence you can control, accept, or eventually change your situation.

You Lack Energy

It’s tiring when you’re constantly stressed and worried. This lethargic attitude toward the world around you leads to a lot of time on the couch watching TV, eating for energy, and sleeping a lot more than you intend—that’s IF you can fall asleep.

You Don’t Sleep

People who can’t sleep generally have issues turning off their brains. When you’re not confident about your ability to handle whatever the present crises are, it’s not unusual to keep replaying the situation in your head to the point where you can’t sleep at all.

You Have Frequent Headaches

Headaches can come from several causes, but stress is probably the most common. That’s not to say you shouldn’t talk to your doctor if you’re frequently having severe headaches. If it is stress, generally, you’ll find the roots in faltering confidence levels somewhere.

YOU’RE PLAYING A ROLE

Why is it you feel like you can’t just be yourself? If you have to create a persona to step out into the world, if you’re using a fake you to impress people, this means you’re not feeling particularly confident about who you are.

Your Self-Talk is Negative

When confidence is low, it’s easy to fall into the trap of being more hyper-critical of yourself. If you’re calling yourself a failure, pointing out every flaw and weakness, and putting yourself down all the time, then you’re not only suffering from weak confidence, you’re driving it down lower.

You’re Hanging with the Wrong Crowd

There’s no reason to stay with someone abusive. Ever. If you think you’re not worth the effort, if you think this is whom you deserve to be with or can’t find the strength to leave, you need to realize that your confidence is at dangerous levels. Even toxic relationships that aren’t abusive can be damaging as they put you at risk of a constant barrage of negative input, meaning you’re getting help in dropping your confidence levels lower.

You’re Stressed All the Time

When you cannot relax, it’s generally because of fear