Horse Shoes

By Ricky Adlam

After a Western Gold Mine colapses, two tired old Miners get treated like Kings for a day by four saloon bar-maids after their hidden gold, then get treated like dogs the very next day by two card playing females on the stagecoach headed east. The men spit out joke after joke, trying to "top each other" in front of the gals.  It's the old wild west in funny humorous ways for both the saloon females and the lucky joke cracking, horseshoe hiding gold miners.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ricky Adlam
• Release date: Apr 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201911096

Ricky Adlam

Ricky Adlam has a Bachelor of Science in Mechanical & Industrial Engineering with a background in Electrical Technology. He has working experience as a News Anchorman, a Weatherman, a TV Comedy Writer, a Senior Aerospace Project Engineer, an Aerospace Systems Engineer, an Industrial Engineer, and a Senior Nuclear Project Engineer. He has also performed Big Band songs at numerous Mayfair Music Festivals. He played rhythm guitar as a member of the Wabash Country Band. Ricky likes to write music, screenplays, and comedy novels. He usually writes a screenplay first and then uses it to create his finished novel. Ricky’s comedy-oriented writing makes his stories fun, fast reading books, which are available as e-books and in hardcover. Adventures at Top Tractor Academy was his first creation. Following that was 12 Monkeys on a Bus, then Twitzy & Ditzy, then SOS Cruise-Lines, then House Shoes, then The Tall Man, then Return of Pitt the Pirate, then Pet Town, then STAR 999 Down, and then Coronavirus-6WKS 2D DAY. Each of his stories are unique creations on their own with no follow-up volumes. Ricky Adlam hopes that these popular unique books continue to be read by young and old adults. It should be mentioned, that as a youth, Ricky Adlam was always outside playing Baseball, Football, Basketball, Stickball, Handball and Hockey. He intends to write comedy action sports stories in the future to be placed in school and local libraries throughout the United States.

Book preview

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Horse Shoes

By

Ricky Adlam

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CHAPTER ONE: THE MINE

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From a mountain slope, the dark shadow of an old, ragged looking miner is seen hammering a golden horseshoe outside a small, wooden hut used for sleeping, cooking and as a barn for his pack horse, two geese and a few chickens. He smacks the metal several times and then grabs the tongs. He lifts the golden shoe up and shoves it into a barrel of water. Next, the old grey-haired man turns about, enters the flimsy hut and shouts, You'll be the richest pack horse this side of the Rockies. This will make me us Kings. I'll own the West and every town. You will eat the finest foods. His horse neighs several times. The old horse stumbles along out of the unpainted, stinky weathered shed. Right after that, the overworked miner staggers outside holding his chest. He stares at the sun, then falls face down on to the ground holding his hammer tightly in hand.in hand. His small scroungy dog comes over and sniffs his body. The dog farts, then lifts a leg and urinated on the man’s backside. It seems to grin after that. It slithers away toward the next mining camp where it will find some scraps of food to live on. Fiddle music can be heard in the distance, echoing among the hills where a half dozen out of six hundred original miners are still left to seek fortunes in gold nuggets.

The next morning, once again the hot sun rises in the West over the rock scattered hills. Two small figures exit a mine dug in the side of a hill. Some men mine out water shafts set up to filter the rocks on the hillside or in a cool mountain stream, hoping that nuggets appear in their pans. Others do it the hard way and dig directly into the mountain side looking for a vein or gold that will quench their dreams of success and fortune. For years they stoop over and rub their tired backs, they eat spit and dirt day in and day out, never giving up the chase. It is this very day that two old miners, partners in a dream, stand outside of their gold mine as it collapses from within, fully dissolving their dreams forever in the bellowing grey dust that spues out into the air, in a swirling dark cloud of disappointment. They watch, then dive facedown onto the ground listening to the loud rumble as nearly everything they own collapses away. Their food and clothes were kept just inside the entrance. They slept in a shared tent outside the mine and collected rainwater in two barrels which now were nearly dry. One man turns over onto his back. The other rises and approaches the entrance and stands. More mining dust flies out into the air. He covers his face and turns around. The other man rises and walks up closer to the entrance. A third collapse sends more dust in his direction. He turns about and stands. The dirty faced men fall to the ground once more. Chad and Tad role over onto their backs. Tad points to the sky. I see a bluebird in the sky Chad. That means good luck. A - blue - bird - in - the - sky. A birdie! Hell. We worked through the night again and all we got was pebbles of Fools-Gold, Chad. We are big fools. I just thought I saw old Fart T Spitz standing at the entrance of our mine. Why did he look like a ghost? I must be ready to die partner.

Chad looks at Tad and replies, Don’t mention Fart T Spitz to me. He stole our claim, and I won’t forgive him for that when he got us drunk and beat us to the punch. The mine caved-in, you horses ass. We're out of business, you brainless, dead monkey face. Everything we own is in there, Tad. We're full broke. No shovels or picks to dig our stuff out of there. God has surely abandoned us today.

Tad lowers his arm, looks towards mine entrance, and rubs the tears away from his eyes. At least we have some water left to get washed up. Keep some for the canteens in the tent. It’s a bit of a survival hike back to town. That’s if the town’s still there. Tad sits up and leans on his hands. Awe, bean farts! You're right-tee right. Broke and that’s no joke. What should we do now Chad? We stay here and for sure we're going to die. I’d say the dream is over. I have a money tin in the tent with enough to get the stage back east with a meal somewhere before we leave.

Chad covers his eyes with both hands. What do we eat after that? - - - We’ll starve! He then cries into both his hands.

Tad stretches both arms outward, The stagecoach ride includes meals at every weigh station, poopy face. We will do fine all the way back home to Carolina. Tad points at Chad. Stop that crying. You know what they say, you sob, then you become a slob.

Chad covers his face. I never heard that before, Tad.

Tad cuts him off, You never heard of cream cheese either. White as snow and smooth as goat’s milk.

Will you buy some for me when we go to town? He says with one finger stuck in a coal black nostril.

I’ll not only buy it, I’ll smooth it all over your face, racoon breath. Tad grins, hoping Chad will do the same.

Tad helps Chad up. They stagger towards the water barrels next to their sleeping tent. Chad cries for a moment, then stops. He strokes his beard and grey dust flies off it. Tad slaps Chads back and a cloud of dust rises. Don’t look back Chad. It’s gone. Let’s wash and get out of here pronto. Chad goes over to a bush and tears off a tree limb. He whacks Tad back and front until all the dust is gone off his clothes. Tad then does the same with Chad. They look at each other and nod their heads.

At the water barrel Chad washes up and says, Hey there coconut head! I know we're through mining for gold. If God wanted us to find Gold, we'd be rich by now. It's back to town for one last drink, then back east to those coal mining jobs. I've had enough of mining for nothing but rocks. All I ever wanted to do was open a candy shop. He washes his face clean. Rubs it dry with a towel. He grins at Tan. At that moment, a large-winged bird passes above and drops a white turd on Chad's forehead.

Tad turns his face away, waiting for his turn to wash up. Darn it. A birdie dumped one on your head. Bad birdie bird. I hate you. Darn. Darn. Darn that bird. - - - Hey Chad. They says that’s good luck.

Chad washes it off, dries his forehead and states, Man I hope you are right. You had better not say those words when we get to town. They'll toss you out of the saloon for sure. Them saloon folks is church taught people who know the good bible. Chad steps back and Tab then washes his face clean."

Tad asks, Can I say, gosh darn? I ain’t been to a town in a coons age.

Chad replies. Nope! It's not a bad bible word. Nope.

Tad asks, Can I say whochee-kooo-chey coo?

Chad wiggles his ears, Nope! Fact it’s a bad-bad bible word Tad boy.

Tad scratches his ass, Can I say, shoot, sugar, shucks?

Nope! Chad shouts. "Those are, really, bad bible words for

sure."

Tad places his hands on his hips, Can I say who-dee-doo-dee-doo?

Chad wiggles his ass and replies, Nope! I think that's a foul bible word. It's so bad It's not in the bible any where's. - - - What else?

As Tab fills a canteen, he asks, Can I say stinky-wha-wink-key-do go piss in your shoe?

Chad hands Tad a second canteen. Tab lowers it into the water barrel. Chad replies, Nope! That's a bad bible smell word, Tad. Miners can't say that word or they will get kicked out of town I think really quick.

Can I say, you’re a big fat nose picking varmint, eat my dead liver, you, custard face? Ted looks, into the canteen. He pops a cork in the lid to seal it. Chad shakes his head no.

Chad reaches out his hand, Nope! Varmint's a bad bible animal word. That Moses man would lock you inside a pyramid for sure, Tad. Never say ah that to anyone but me for sure.

Tad crosses his arms, Can I say, sleepy dopey head?

Chad thinks a moment and whispers, Nope! That's a bad bible face word that only highly high priests can say. 

Tad shoulder straps his canteen and starts to walk away, Can I say you are a smelly gopher noggin?

Chad shoulder straps his water canteen, then points at Tad. He grins at him and states. "Yep! That ones in the bible. That's

just ah fine. I think it's fine to say it anywhere."

As they walk along away from their camp, Tad asks again, Can I say, Snout brain? Like you look like a snout brain woodchuck today."

Chad slaps Tad on the back and pronounces, I'm not sure but just don't take a chance, Tad. Them's is ah fight'en words you know. You might pay a fine for saying it too loud. Just say nice things in town.

At the top of the hill, not looking back, Tab asks one last question of Chad, What about hell or go to hell you darn mustached, seal faced varmint?

Chad waits a moment before answering, "I think that hell is perfectly fine. Fine as wine, Tad. You can say that's a hell of

of a good beer. The saloon people will be happy and cheer you on for a second one, for sure. Just don’t say the drinks are on me."

Tad moves along up over the hill and then states, Thank you Chad for all the nice advice. I will keep it in my head when we get to town tomorrow, some time. I just recalled that I left my Coo-coo Clock in the mine. I sure loved my Coo-coo bird.

Chad cuts in and adds, I sure think that sometimes you are a Coo-coo bird. Both men pause a moment, then laugh together at that statement. They slowly move onward away from the hill. Away from the mine. Towards better days and good fortune.

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CHAPTER TWO: DUMBASS LUCK

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In the distance the men hear another rumble far behind. The two old codgers scamper away like scare rabbits. They stumble, fall, then roll, several times down a grassy slope into thicket of bushes. They lay there entangled for a while. They struggle several minutes then stand up and drag themselves onward.

By mid-morning Chad and Tad walk out of the brush. Tad points to a pathway leading around the bushes they traveled right through. Each man removes their backpack and removes the thorns stuck on it. Tad remarks, Will you look where we are going. Stay on the pathway now. The men take several steps ahead, then spot an old grey pack horse. Its leather lead is tangled and tied up to a tree by the side of the dirt road. The horse is holding up its front left hoof. The tired men slowly wander over and grab the reins.

Tad rubs the animals back. It turns its head and licks him. This is Fart T Spitz pack horse. Oh my God. He’s dead. Tad looks up towards heaven. I didn’t mean what I said Fart T.  Spitz. I apologize-ah to you-ah. Hope you’re now in Spitz-town heaven. Say Chad. Oh, Chad boy. It looks like the old horse sprained his foots-see wood-see. His reins got caught in these here branches. I recall once that red head Fart T Spitz called this noble steed, Dumbass, the jackass pack horse. Fact is Chad, the horse was the smarter of the two. They never parted. Dumbass even slept in his cabin.

Chad comments, "I think he was just ah