23: Voices of Adopted Youth

By Lori Rosove

23: Voices of Adopted Youth

Synopsis

"'Begin at the beginning', the King said, very gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'" - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

 

Beginnings and endings can be confusing for adoptees. There are so man

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lori Rosove
• Release date: Oct 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9780968835456

Book preview

23_Voices_of_Adopted_Youth_cover.jpg

23

Voices of

Adopted

Youth

Also by Lori Rosove

Rosie’s Family:

An adoption story

23

Voices of

Adopted

Youth

Lori Rosove

Asia Press

Copyright © 2020 by Lori Rosove

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Asia Press

[e-mail]

ISBN: 978-0-9688354-4-9 paperback

ISBN: 978-0-9688354-5-6 e-book

Special thanks to Alexandra Peace for extraordinary editing and proofreading and to Amy Haagsma for exquisite book design and publishing support.

Publisher’s Cataloging-In-Publication Data

(Prepared by The Donohue Group, Inc.)

Names: Rosove, Lori, author.

Title: 23 : voices of adopted youth / by Lori Rosove.

Other Titles: Twenty three : voices of adopted youth | Voices of adopted youth

Description: [Ottawa, Ontario] : [Lori Rosove], [2020]

Identifiers: ISBN 9780968835449 (paper) | ISBN 9780968835456 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Adopted children--Psychology. | Adopted children--Family relationships. | Adoption--Psychological aspects. | Parent and child.

Classification: LCC HV875.3 .R67 2020 (print) | LCC HV875.3 (ebook) | DDC 362.734--dc23

For my outstanding parents, Donna and Mickey, who taught me I was loveable and capable, my husband, Jordan, my forever love and patient first reader, and my exquisite daughters, Nicole and Dara, who have illuminated my life with their ambition, compassion, positivity, and love.

Introduction

‘Begin at the beginning,’ the King said, very gravely, ‘and go on till you come to the end: then stop.’

—Lewis Carroll

Beginnings and endings can be confusing for adoptees. There are so many to consider. Where did my life start? When should I search? When should I stop? This book is a powerful glimpse of twenty-three adopted youth’s thoughts on how adoption has impacted their lives. The youths profiled in this book volunteered to talk with me about their relationships with parents and birth parents and how, ultimately, these relationships affected their sense of identity, self-image, relationships with siblings and friends, expectations of self and others, and opinions of adoption as a societal value. The youths expressed their deepest thoughts with vigour, receiving nothing in return, aside from an opportunity to talk and talk . . . and talk. While adoptees and their parents will find refuge in the heartfelt and profound stories that help them better understand their own experiences, all parents may benefit from these valuable insights. Educators and clinicians will gain critical knowledge about the key issues affecting adoptees, and a wider audience will appreciate the well-told stories on a little-known topic.

Who Am I and What Did I Learn?

I have spent most of my twenty-five-year career in social work preparing individuals for the distinctive task of parenting adopted children. The majority of the resources I have used to educate people about adopted children’s needs originate from adoption professionals, adoptive parents, adult adoptees, clinicians, and researchers. Although informative, I began to question whether the voices of youth, expressing full emotion and passion while sharing their recent life experiences, might provide a valuable contribution to understanding their needs. Eventually, I crafted the following questions:

Would it be important for the information about adopted children’s needs to come from the voices of those being parented presently?

Would it impact parents, or those considering parenting, if they could hear youth talk about their experiences of being adopted and, more specifically, what the youth believe their parents are doing/did that is helpful and what they are doing/did that is less so?

In an effort to answer these questions, I interviewed twenty-three youth adoptees between October 2017 and May 2018. I believed I had gained a deeper understanding of the youth’s needs by listening to their cohesive, passionate, and honest accounts about their experiences and what they needed from their parents. But it was not until I embarked on the arduous task of transcribing the near two dozen, 90-minute interviews and transforming them into readable text, that I heard their many gems of parenting advice. The youth highlighted issues about identity, birth family, abandonment and loss as important features of their lives, and emphasized that receiving love, openness, honesty, acceptance, respect, and room to grow were the most important aspects of relationships with parents. At that moment, I was optimistic that all parents would benefit by hearing these voices too. Although this realization does not diminish the crucial importance for adoptive parents to understand their children’s unique needs, it does underscore that adoption is simply the vehicle that brings the child to the family but never, never, never determines relationship.

How Did I Do This?

These youth’s voices are connected by the loose thread of adoption that weaves stories from private domestic, child welfare, and international adoption situations. I did not know the twenty-three youths who voluntarily participated in the interviews, and most connected with me through a third party such as an adoption professional or a parent who learned about my project. Each youth consented to share their information and provided a brief written profile. Those who were not yet the age of majority had the consent of their parents to participate.

In my solicitation for participants, I advised the youths that their stories would be shared anonymously so that they would be free to voice them fully. Ironically, many of them expressed disappointment in learning this, as they were proud to participate and loved the notion of transparently sharing their important story.

I interviewed the youths in online video meetings, by phone, and in person. I used eighty-one questions as my template for semi-structured interviews (Appendix). Often, we went off path, and I followed each youth, letting them take me where they wanted to go. None of them asked to leave the interview despite being given the opportunity to do so, both at the beginning and throughout. I asked several difficult questions such as, What do you think your parents should have done differently? and told them they didn’t have to answer anything they found uncomfortable. Not one of the youths passed on a question.

I documented each youth’s voice verbatim: displaying their raw wisdom, knowledge, insight, and passion that comes from the life experience of being a youth adoptee. However, I did take editorial privilege to present the text in an order that best reflected each youth’s story.

What Did I Take Away from This Experience?

After the interviews and during the transcribing process, I often wondered why these youths were interested in being a part of this project. After all, they were busy people, usually at school and/or working, managing relationships with family, partners, and friends, and sometimes living on their own. They told me the project was cool and important, believed there should be a better understanding in society about adoption, and hoped this book would do that. These youths recognize the uniqueness of adoption despite acknowledging that children come to families in different ways. Whether they’ve reached a comfort level with that difference or are still working on getting there, they know in their souls that their story counts. And, in the end, perhaps it is the telling of the story that leads to the ultimate clarification of meaning in one’s life.

I’m not professing that the thoughts of these twenty-three youths are representative of the overall population of adopted youth (although they may very well be), but at a minimum, there is much to be gleaned to help illuminate the needs of adoptees. These youths know what’s important to them, and when given a podium to use their voices to express this, they grabbed it. Whether they spoke eloquently and in depth or whether they provided brief and sometimes convoluted answers, it was clear they wanted to talk. Some have tremendous self-awareness, and some haven’t yet grasped the full extent of the personal impact of adoption, but they all have wisdom to share.

I must highlight that every one of the youths spoke of the love, respect, and understanding they have for their parents . . . the ones who raised them. Even in those situations that were difficult, the youths insisted on acknowledging positive aspects of the experience. They often prefaced a statement regarding their parents with, Don’t get me wrong, I love them and they’re amazing, but, . . . or I understand they did the best they could, but . . .

Every one of the youths said they were happy they were adopted despite experiences of confusion, anger, frustration, and sadness related to adoption. Simultaneously, each of the youths acknowledged the importance of knowing who they were born to and why their adoption happened. Some of the youth had connections to birth family, some were searching for it, and some were not interested. Regardless, they all wanted the freedom to explore this option—that they felt was rightly theirs. This duality for the adoptee of feeling grateful for the adoption combined with the right to know their birth family is a critical distinction for parents to make in order to comfortably support their children on their intra-personal explorations.

Why Twenty-Three?

When I started out, I had no preconceptions of what the title would be or how many participants I would have for this book. Looking back, I saw how it organically evolved. First, many of the youths told me that they used the genetic testing and analysis company 23andMe in order to learn more about their history. It struck me that seeking to find biological connections might have meant that they felt incomplete regarding their history. Since the organization 23andMe is aptly named for the contribution of twenty-three chromosomes from each biological parent to make a whole, 23 seemed to be apropos for this project as a reflection of the common adoptee journey from a sense of incompleteness to wholeness.

Then, a quick internet search provided an abundance of fun facts about the human significance of twenty-three with a few listed below:

The average human physical biorhythm is twenty-three days.

Blood circulates the human body on average every twenty-three seconds.

Humans have twenty-three vertebrae running down the main part of their spines.

The pattern of DNA shows that irregular connections occur every twenty-third section.

The average circumference of a human head is twenty-three inches.

Finally, I unintentionally transcribed the last interview on the twenty-third day of May, 2018. That was the fifth month of the eighteenth year, which also adds up to twenty-three.

Note to Parents

Although these twenty-three stories are situated in the adoption experience, they also mirror the ultimate human experience of finding identity, feeling love, and having security as a result of the first two. Therefore, this book should appeal to all parents who want a healthy relationship with their child, not just those who adopted.

I encourage you to read a chapter slowly, sit with it, and read it again. First time around, you will read the text and become familiar with the youth’s voice. Second time around, you will hear the story between the text and will feel you know the voice better.

These twenty-three youths teach us that they value open communication, respect, and love with their parents. Perhaps this is a more urgent time than ever to hear this message as we are living with quickly advancing technology that provides us with constant distraction from hearing our children. Ironically, this is a time that we may be connecting more than ever, but not actually communicating. And while technological advancements have occurred, the needs of children have remained the same. They still need to know that their parents understand them, protect them, and love them. By speaking to them and, more importantly, really listening to them, you may discover the things your children need to feel complete.

Note to the Twenty-Three Youths

Thank you for taking the time to talk to a stranger. This book would not exist without your willingness to share your stories. You provided invaluable guidance for parents as you opened up and shared what was in your hearts.

Learning about your experiences and how you viewed your adoption reinforced to me how the early crucial decisions of your parents and birth parents shaped some portion of who you are today. As a result, some of you have concerns about rejection and abandonment, which are common feelings resulting from adoption and may show up as anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety. Some of you have only gratefulness for the decision for adoption. Regardless of the feelings you have, they are real and good and deserve your attention.

While adoption is important and can even be central to your identity, it’s not all of who you are, not even close. It is the beginning. It sets the stage. Although others determined that first vital life decision, you will play out the rest however you choose. I wish that you find what you seek and all the greatness that life has to offer.

With deep gratitude,

Lori

One

Hannah

The struggle and beauty of adoption.

—Hannah, age 22,

adopted at two-and-a-half years old from Romania

Ever since I was about four or five, I knew I was adopted. You know, my parents said, You’re adopted, and that’s basically it. They talked about it in a very cautious way. No depth. They weren’t straightforward. When I asked them questions like, Who’s my real mom? my mom would kinda give me an answer but not the truthful answer, you know. Like, she would just say, I’m your mom . . . I’m your mother. But I knew she wasn’t my real mom. So, I was confused . . . a lot. When I would tell people, like, I’m adopted from Romania, and then they’d be like, Omigosh, where’s your family? Like, who’s your real mom? I would say, I don’t know. It was hard for me to understand because I was so young . . . um . . . and so confused.

I was adopted with my sister, but I don’t remember anyone else from my birth family. I don’t even remember much about that time, but I do remember drinking a lot of tea because in Romania they couldn’t afford milk. I drink a lot of tea now too.

My parents went with a group of people to Romania when they adopted us, and we had a reunion with those families a couple of years back. Aside from that, I never hung out with other kids who were adopted. My regular friends knew I was adopted because I told them. I was very insecure about it. I think society created this, because adoption was seen as weird so that made me see it as weird. I remember in middle school everyone would know that I was adopted, and there were some people who would kinda make fun of me for it. I was so embarrassed. Not only with the fact that I was adopted but also where I was from. No one knew about Romania. No one else was adopted internationally. I knew I shouldn’t let people make me feel bad about who I am. But I did.

Maybe it would’ve been easier for me if . . . maybe being educated more on where I was from. You know, like on the history of Romania. Then, when they made fun of me, like, I could inform them of the situation in Romania. Maybe they would understand. But maybe it would also give me peace within myself. You know, when they teased me, I could turn inward and find comfort. I just didn’t know how to do that. If there was some help with that, it would have made it easier for me. You know, maybe just talking to someone about it.

When I was fourteen, I was in my mom’s office one day and just being nosy. I came across a file with my birth name on it. I found all these papers. Everything—the city I was from, the names of my birth parents, my eight other siblings! It was all there . . . hidden away. My adoptive parents didn’t tell me any of this. They didn’t tell me, like, You actually have a family in Romania. Why would they do that!? Yeah . . . it was really emotional for me.

So, I kept the papers because I was worried that I was never going to find them again and I wanted to, you know, look through them carefully and really know what happened. I didn’t really know what to do. I was only fourteen! So, I read everything . . . and kinda just pondered it . . . a lot. I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t tell my sister. I didn’t tell anyone. I was kinda scared that they would be mad at me for snooping around and finding it. I also felt that it was kinda like I was rebelling in some way . . . you know finding my family. So, I wanted to do this all by myself.

I had so, so many emotions. Excitement . . . fear . . . anger. Almost, like, disbelief that I have this whole family that I was never told about. So much confusion. My parents were open enough to tell me at such a young age that I was adopted but not open enough to tell me about my family. Why? I was so angry with them for that. It was . . . really hard . . . yeah, really, really hard to deal with.

I had to rely on myself to deal with it. I just channelled everything I was feeling into art. I’m an artist . . . a photographer . . . and I just dove into my work to help me release all the emotion. I think I wrote a lot too . . . I have all these journals. If I didn’t have these outlets, I would have felt a lot more frustrated.

When I was about fifteen, my mom’s cousin did a very brief documentary on her adoption. She was introducing the struggle and beauty of it and she wanted us in it: me, my sister, and my parents. I found it with my adoption papers. A few years later, I decided to create my own documentary, incorporating my cousin’s along with old videos of me and the new information that I found. I put it on YouTube not thinking it was really important. Over two years, it got a lot of views with comments like, I hope you find your birth family, or This is so inspiring to me because I was adopted from Romania too . . . blah, blah, blah.

It was becoming really big, so, I told my sister about it. She thought it was really good and was happy I did it. We didn’t tell my parents. No one knew. We were so excited about the popularity of the video and weren’t even thinking about the possible repercussions of putting it on YouTube.

A little while later, a New York organization called Little Things, contacted me through Facebook. They found my documentary and wanted to interview me for an article they were doing. They posted it on Facebook but, unfortunately, a lot of the information was false. I was happy that my story got out there, but I was really upset that it was kinda the wrong story. I went on Facebook and um, basically got my real story out . . . you know this is what happened . . . we’re okay . . . we live in Canada now.

Over the next few years, people were reaching out to me from Romania. One woman sent me information about my possible birth father. She said she wasn’t a relative or a family friend but wanted to help me find them. I was very skeptical, but the information she sent matched what was on my papers. She spoke English very well, and we chatted back and forth for about three months. Eventually, I was convinced that she truly wanted to help me.

She connected me with my apparent birth father. I didn’t have any solid biological evidence, but, you know, in my heart, I knew it was him. I told my sister I might have found our family. She was excited and found an organization that helps adopted children from Romania reunite with their family. She gave them the information I had, and they said my birth father needed to provide papers that confirmed he was our real family. It took a long time, but he did it and . . . it matched. He really was our father!

So, this year we connected! First, through messages that we got translated and then, through video because he kept asking to see us. Omigosh . . . we were crying so much. It was a surreal feeling. I felt an immediate connection. I saw a lot of myself in my dad. I was so comfortable. I knew I could trust him. But he was so . . . frantic. He just wanted us to be there. Like, I can’t even imagine what it was like for him. You know, seeing your daughters that you haven’t seen in so long and . . . not knowing what happened to them.

We found out our birth mother passed away, and our father remarried and had three more children. He told us we were in the orphanage because he and my mom didn’t have money because it was hard to find work in Romania because it was so corrupt. So he had gone to Austria to look for work, and their plan was to take us back when they had some money. But, apparently, it was illegal to leave Romania, so he got arrested and put in jail . . . or something like that . . . whatever. Then, he said we were stolen from the orphanage. I don’t know if that’s true. I think maybe my birth mom didn’t tell my birth father that we were gonna be adopted, so maybe he thinks we were just taken away. Or maybe he’s just confused after all these years. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt us with the truth.

We’ll never know the truth, because my mom took all that information to the grave. And, you know what? I really resent her for that. I know that I shouldn’t. But, first of all, she could have prevented her death because she smoked a lot and died of lung cancer. Second, she has two children that she gave away, so wouldn’t you want to make sure you live a long and healthy life to maybe see them one day? We’re never gonna find out.

I’m a really spiritual person. I believe everything happens for a reason. It’s something that you can’t really explain. It’s something that you just feel. For me, there were signs that came up and connected me to my birth family. I knew I was going in the right direction. It just felt good. I had no doubts. But finding my birth father didn’t close that gap of knowledge. You know, what really happened? It kinda just opened more questions.

Since connecting with my birth father, I’ve also connected with my brother and a cousin. I feel really connected with my cousin because he’s a painter. So we’re both creative and . . . I feel at home with him. I have really long calls with them because they want to talk so much, but I try to limit them because I’m busy with school and I need to focus on my life here. But, when I do talk to them, it feels good and . . . I have a hard time saying goodbye.

It’s really crazy how my parents found out about everything . . . like, us connecting with our birth family. It was my stepdad’s sister who saw my YouTube video and told my mom. Then my mom told me, and I thought, Oh shit, like, omigosh! She knows, she knows! I panicked and came clean. I just told her everything. Yup. She cried and I cried. Aww gosh . . . it was scary cuz I didn’t want her to get mad at me, but she was actually very calm. I was surprised. I would even say she was happy that I made this documentary that inspired other people. The only thing she was kinda upset about was her privacy, and that I didn’t have permission to use my cousin’s documentary. I understood her concerns, so I took it down . . . unfortunately. But now, she knows everything and she’s so happy, you know, that I found our family. Maybe I’ll put it back up.

I think I expected her to be angry because when I was young she never really told me anything, so I was very nervous about the whole thing and . . . yeah . . . I know it’s a very sensitive topic in general, so it was hard for me to tell her because I didn’t want to hurt her. I mean maybe she would think that I think less of her now that I found my family.

Anyway, I told her that family is not your blood, but it’s who’s there for you and supports you. I obviously wouldn’t have this life that I have now . . . you know, been in school or have my career, if they didn’t adopt me. I have so much to thank her for. I’m just so grateful to have my adopted mom. I wouldn’t take anything back . . . really. Like, if I had the chance to live my life in Romania, I wouldn’t have done it. I think I’d be a pretty damaged person if I grew up there.

But I would like to meet everyone, so I think my next step is to create a documentary in my final year of university and go back to Romania. I’ll document the whole process of, you know, reuniting with my family. Wow! I’ll also interview my parents and my sister and everything. I know my mom wants to have contact with them, so maybe she’ll come. My story needs to be told. Yup, so that’s my next step.

Today, I think adoption is wonderful. I love it. I support it 100 percent. I’ve come a long way. I can’t imagine raising a child but, umm . . . I may adopt one day from Romania because . . . umm . . . it’s a wonderful experience. I think there’s a lot of babies been born out there and not enough being loved and cared for.

If people want to adopt, they have to know honesty is most important. Never hide anything. You know, sit down with them and say I am your mother, but I’m not your real mom. You have a family out there that, you know, couldn’t support you and this is why you’re here. Just make it really open and answer their questions . . . honestly. Children are very smart. They are sponges, and if you’re feeding them false information, they’re going to get confused and it’s going to affect them when they’re older. And anyway, you have to eventually tell them the truth. It can be scary, but parents have to be patient and should know that what they’re doing is really, really amazing.

Adoption is a journey. It is difficult, but parents should see that difficulty as beauty. Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Take it one step at a time. Listen—really listen—to your child. They know more than you think they know. Just be kind to them.

I did this interview because I want to inspire others. I think it takes a lot of bravery because it’s so personal and . . . there’s a lot of fear in exposing yourself. But it’s important to power through that because adoption is so . . .