How to Talk to Kids about Babies, Birth, and Puberty: Tips to foster conversations from toddlers to teens

By Chrystal de Freitas

Many parents dread the topics of sex and sexuality. Some avoid “the talk” altogether, hoping that school curriculum or other outside information will reach their children and satisfy their questions and curiosity. Others shy away from certain topics and try to give just enough information to quell the conversation for the moment. But children are born with a natural curiosity about everything, including their bodies. Questions about a child’s sexuality start way before the teen years, and parents should not be afraid to address each and every one. Fostering healthy conversations about sex and sexuality will empower your child, teach values and ideas that you live by, and give the knowledge and confidence needed to make healthy, informed decisions.

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas is not only a doctor, but a parent as well. When she found her child’s school curriculum vastly lacking in a secure and honest approach to teaching children about puberty and sexuality, she began to wonder how many other parents might be struggling with teaching their youngsters, too. She realized that parents need a bit of encouragement and help in starting conversations about sex and sexuality. In How to Talk to Kids about Babies, Birth, and Puberty, parents are given step-by-step approaches to encouraging conversations with their youngsters, from toddlers to teens. Parents will learn that these topics don’t have to be embarrassing for either the parent or the child, and that these teachable moments can be turned into positive opportunities to share values and information that will help form lifelong trust between parent and child.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chrystal de Freitas
• Release date: Oct 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301378463

Chrystal de Freitas

San Diego-based Dr. Chrystal de Freitas is a pediatrician, author, wife, and mother of three adult children who has a special interest in family health education. She completed her pediatric training at the University of Washington, in Seattle, WA, and has been in private practice for 28 years. Early in her career, Dr. de Freitas served as a Clinical Instructor in the Department of Pediatrics at the University of Washington. Moving to Michigan in 1987, she worked part time at several area practices while raising her then young children. Relocating to the San Diego area in 1998, she first practiced with North County Health Services in Encinitas for 6 years before starting her solo private practice of pediatrics, Carmel Valley Pediatrics in 2004. In 1993, Dr. de Freitas founded Healthy Chats LLC and began to provide family health education information through detailed seminars, books, a DVD kit, and online. A parallel Spanish site, Charlas de Salud is also available. Dr. de Freitas is Board Certified in Pediatrics and a Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

Part One: Human Development

1: Understanding Sexuality

2: Secrecy vs. Privacy

3: When to Talk to Your Child about Sex

4: What Children Need to Know

5: Where Do Babies Come From?

6: How Do Babies Get Out?

7: How Do Babies Get In?

8: Anatomy 101

9: Body Image

Part Two: Puberty

10: What Is Normal?

11: Breast Development

12: Growth Spurt

13: Body Hair and Odor

14: Acne

15: Menstruation

16: Erections and Wet Dreams

17: Mood Swings

18: Sexual Identity and Orientation

19: Rites of Passage

Part Three: Relationships

20: Family Relationships

21: Children’s Sexuality and the Single Father

22: Children’s Sexuality and the Single Mother

23: Friendships, Crushes, and Peer Pressure

24: Marriage, Lifetime Commitments, and Divorce

25: Love and Affection

Part Four: Personal Skills

26: Values and Beliefs

27: The Art of Communication

28: Decision Making

29: Problem Solving

Part Five: Sexual Behavior

30: Sexual Curiosity

31: Abstinence

32: Masturbation and Self-Pleasuring

Part Six: Sexual Health

33: Wellness and Disease Prevention

34: Contraception and Abortion

35: HIV/AIDS and STDs

36: Sexual Abuse and Prevention

Part Seven: Society and Culture

37: Gender Roles

38: Sexuality and the Media

39: Parenting—An Adult Privilege and Responsibility

Questions and Answers

Glossary

Suggested Readings for Different Age Groups

About the Author

Introduction

When should I start talking to my daughter about menstruation? How much information should I provide my preschooler about the conception, growth, and birth of a new sibling? How come my son thinks he knows so much about the birds and the bees and he is only eight years old? The family-rated television show was loaded with sexual innuendos. Should I have insisted that we turn it off? How carefully should I monitor my children’s entertainment in the future?

These are just a few of the common concerns that we parents face as our children interact with a culture that bombards them with sexual messages. Understanding the broader dimensions of sexuality and the roles that family, friends, school, and the media play in influencing children’s views of themselves as sexual beings is essential for charting a safe, smooth course through the potential minefields between childhood and adult sexual identity. Many parents wait to address sexual issues until their child enters puberty. Obvious bodily changes in their youngster force some parents to deliver the talk. Others hope the school will do what they don’t want to and are relieved when their child returns home clutching pamphlets handed out during a lecture on sex education. Moreover, most parents have not had much education in the field of human sexuality themselves. They may have vague memories of awkward speeches by one or the other of their parents; the book about human sexuality tucked in the back of the bookcase; or the week devoted to reproduction in health class. Given this set of circumstances, it is understandable that parents often put off educating their own offspring. Many parents also have beliefs that if they don’t talk about sex, their children won’t be interested or tempted. But waiting until puberty to approach the topic of sexuality is unwise. Sexuality is an important part of the child’s life from the moment he or she is born, and plays an important role throughout his/her entire life. Providing children with the necessary information that allows them to make informed choices and be the architects of their own lives is the essence of parenting.

Talking about sexuality requires the same communication skills that contribute to healthy relationships in general between parents and children. If parents can cultivate open dialogues with their young children as they explore the topics of sexuality together, this same openness will allow parents to offer advice and guidance as their youngsters approach their teenage years. However, if parents do not begin the process early, the subject of sexuality will feel less natural for both parents and their children, and both may be uncomfortable with this new intimacy and with the sheer magnitude of the issues that must be dealt with in a hurry. But keep in mind that starting late is far better than never starting at all.

As a pediatrician and mother of three children, I, too, have struggled with communication how-tos, with the various versions of the birds and the bees, and with the many dimensions of sexuality. The challenge has been difficult. Prior to my oldest daughter’s taking health class at school, I casually inquired about the health curriculum. Her answer disturbed me. The curriculum seemed insufficient to me, and was to be taught by the male gym teacher. Even though he was a nice person, I felt uneasy for my daughter, and I sheepishly volunteered my services. My offer to teach the class was readily accepted, and I felt sudden anxiety as the relieved male teacher showered me with gratitude and handed me the scant curriculum. I faced many hurdles as I prepared to teach the hugely important class about puberty. Perhaps my greatest challenge was broadening my own perspective of sexuality. The topic is much more comprehensive than it appears at first glance. Sexuality includes not only the nuts and bolts of human reproduction, but encompasses relationships, values, and many life skills as well.

As I taught the health class, I was struck by the students’ reluctance to use their family members as resources. Comments such as I am too embarrassed to speak to my mom about this were common; yet these young girls were willing to ask a stranger for answers. There was a chasm between mothers and daughters, between parents and their children. I sensed a need to unite family members in the educative process. This urge led to my establishing a community class for mothers and their daughters, during which we reviewed the normal physical and emotional changes of puberty. I discovered that mothers delighted in the opportunity to review the basic physiology of their daughters’ bodily changes and were eager to share their concerns with other mothers about the emotional turmoil they experienced with their maturing daughters. Similarly, girls in the class had an opportunity to participate with their mothers, forming a bond, a bridge of communication, during an interactive, educational process. For some families, this class was a start. Although it is best not to wait until puberty, there is certainly a window of opportunity during these prepubertal years to open the door of communication about sexuality and to share your values with your children. Imagine classes where fathers and sons could share similarly; or, why not a class where both parents attend with their children?

During the past years, I have asked parents to share their thoughts and feelings with me about the topic of sexuality, as they see their daughters and sons enter puberty. Most of them had heartfelt thoughts to express as they completed the following sentence: The one message I would like my preteen to know about sexuality and/or growing up is . . . Some of their responses follow.

In spite of the discomforts, embarrassments, confusion, conflicting feelings, and mood swings that accompany puberty, it is truly wonderful to grow into womanhood. I hope that being female, expressing yourself as a sexual being, and having the potential to bear children will make you as happy as it has made me.

Sexuality is essentially who you are. It’s your whole person and it continually develops over a lifetime.

The act of sexual intercourse and/or sexual intimacy is best shared by two loving adults in a mature and committed relationship, and, when experienced this way, it’s a wonderful and cherished time.

Dad and I love you so much that you can always come to us. You are the most important person in our lives and we will always answer your questions.

If you choose to become a husband and father, I hope that you will enjoy those occupations as much as I have and will remember that you and your wife are a parenting team made up of two loving people who should always work in the best interest of close family relationships.

My hope is that the information in this book will provide parents with a blueprint that will help them address the topic of sexuality at the different levels of their children’s development, from preschoolers through the preteen years. Presenting information in incremental steps through open communication and dialogue should help parents and their children build informed, trusting, healthy life relationships. By proactively addressing common issues confronting children and their sexuality, you and your children will have built the foundation necessary for their development into healthy, sexually responsible adults. This accomplishment is the reward that results when we choose to take active roles in our children’s sexual education.

This book could not have been written without the input of the many parents and youngsters who have attended my parenting and puberty classes. It is because of them that my motivation flourishes. I would also like to thank my friends and colleagues Eileen Bond, ACSW, Karen Christian, MD, Jill Michel, Sioban D. Harlow, PhD, and Dr. Allen Dumont and his wonderful staff for their continued support and enthusiasm for this project. Most of all, I am indebted to Kathy Roby, whose skilled editorial pen has been invaluable. Last, but not least, thanks to my children, Cecily, Jocelyn, and Andrew (who still roll their eyes whenever they hear me mention sex and insist I don’t talk to them about sex in front of their friends); and to my husband, Jeff Bonadio, MD, for his encouragement and sense of humor.

The information presented in this book is based partly on the Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education: K–12, prepared by the National Guidelines Task Force, which consists of leading educators, health professionals, and national organization representatives. These guidelines were made available through SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States). Their Key Concepts outline has been invaluable in organizing this material.

Part One: Human Development

1: Understanding Sexuality

For many parents, teaching young children about the birds and the bees is the first step toward fulfilling their responsibility to provide sexual education for their offspring. Many parents, though, lack a clear understanding of the complexities of the word sexuality, often interchanging it mistakenly with the word sex. Sexuality is a more comprehensive topic than physical sex or gender identification, and sexuality plays a vital role in the development of every human being. Sexuality includes the understanding of how the human body functions and, in particular, how reproduction occurs. It also includes an array of concepts related to human relationships, personal life skills, gender identity, and choices about health issues. In addition to teaching their children what they want them to understand about sexuality, parents must constantly run interference between their offspring and the influences of society and the media that threaten healthy family values. Clearly, learning about sexuality is a complicated and lifelong process.

Children are born with a natural curiosity about all aspects of their environment, including their bodies. This heightened awareness of bodily functions starts during the early toddler years and continues throughout puberty. Children who know how their bodies function will have a better understanding of their sexuality and a stronger sense of identity. Knowledge empowers children. Therefore, children, as well as young adults, must have reliable information available to them, either through the family or through other resources in the community.

Along with biological knowledge, children need to learn about personal relationships. They rely on their families and the dynamics among family members as they put together all the pieces of their sexuality. Since friends, teachers, and other acquaintances become vital parts of any child’s world, learning the life skills to cultivate and maintain successful relationships is essential. Children who are members of close family alliances gain powerful tools through examples provided by each family member. These tools help them to forge future relationships outside the family. It is within the family that these early skills are practiced with parents and siblings. Therefore, parents should be aware of the powerful influence these patterns of behavior have in establishing footholds for their children’s future relationships.

A healthy sexuality goes hand in hand with a set of values and morals that give direction and purpose to life. Children need opportunities to learn and practice life skills based upon moral principles learned and practiced at home. Making responsible decisions, communicating feelings and needs, and negotiating conflict are skills essential to successful adult life. They provide children with the foundation for maintaining and enhancing self-esteem, and they help ensure youngsters’ healthy lives. Cultivating sound moral values can help children make better choices as they grow into young adults and are confronted with demanding issues such as deciding the when and how of sexual activity, grappling with teen violence, and avoiding date rape.

In addition to behavioral influences, children learn about gender roles from their families and from society. Gender roles are the whole realm of behaviors that are associated with maleness or femaleness. The gender roles that society writes for individuals can be very powerful and can influence choices about relationships and health that will determine a child’s sound future. Children have a keen ability to detect parental and societal attitudes about values and beliefs concerning sexuality. The more comfortable parents are with themselves, including their own gender identity, the more comfortably they will project their own sexuality.

In addition to behavioral, moral, and gender-role identities, children must learn about sexually related health concerns. Today, more than ever, parents, educators, and healthcare providers are painfully aware of the need to provide accurate information to young adults about HIV/AIDS and STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). Often information from one source conflicts with that from another or is woefully outdated. Children hear about these topics on the playground, through the media, and perhaps—if they are fortunate—in school health education classes. Growing children will have increasingly detailed questions about HIV/AIDS and STDs, and parents, as well as school personnel, should review pertinent facts with them regularly. In addition, parents must actively learn and convey new, relevant information about these diseases to their kids.

Another influence on the sexuality of the child is the media. TV, magazines, and video games constantly portray attitudes that become incorporated into a child’s frame of reference. These messages may not always be consistent with your family’s values. Parents need to take active stands at home and publicly on the quality and content of the media that can and will influence their children. In general, the media overemphasizes sex, presenting very confusing, conflicting, and diverse realities to children. The influence of the media on our children’s lives has reached overwhelming proportions.

With a better understanding of the complexities of sexuality, parents can help their children grow up with solid self-esteem and a core of knowledge that will allow them to become sexually responsible adults.

Guidelines to a Healthy Sexuality:

All human beings are born with the capacity to experience sexual feelings.

Children are sexual beings from the moment they are born.

A healthy sexuality is a vital part of a child’s healthy self-esteem.

Your example as a parent provides a