Adoptee's Journey

By Sharon Bailey

This remarkable true story of an adoptee from infancy to adulthood, tells of the events concerning her search for, and ultimate find of her birth family. Her vulnerability through heartache, and extreme moments of happiness provides interesting reading.
Over the centuries there have been millions of children who have been adopted, each with a different story of their own. This book was also written with the intention of helping other adoptees in search of enlightenment on their journey, to adoptees who have never been inclined to search for birth families, and for non-adoptees who wonder what an adopted person's life might be like.
This Christian author believes that the events in this story are nothing less than miraculous.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kinderd Productions
• Release date: May 3, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223517559

Book preview

Chapter One

B

loodline, lineage, heredity and genealogy are all terms used to describe a person born into a particular family unit. To be adopted is to be different but sometimes special, depending on the situation. It is different, in that the adoptee has no knowledge of his or her birth bloodline, but special because of the love hopefully received from the adoptive parents.

Adoption has been in society for thousands of years. Biblical times tell of an adoption event when Moses was found floating in a basket among some weeds on the Nile River, and was subsequently adopted by the Pharaoh’s daughter.

Millions of children have been affected in many different ways due to the adoption process. They have no birth identity, no roots, and no lineage—they just are. All of these facts affect some adoptees more than others. Some drift through life with nothing but a mild curiosity about their roots, while others need firm biological roots and will go to many lengths to obtain this information.

T

here are a number of ways to adopt a child:

Open adoptions are legally done, when all parties involved with the child know each other.

Closed book or private adoptions are processed through doctors, lawyers and Children’s Aid Societies. The documents are sealed to protect the woman who has given up her child.

In the 1940’s some children were adopted by what was then termed the independent method, where the mother retained her legal rights until the courts finalized the adoption.

Interracial adoptions although quite uncommon until recent decades, have become readily acceptable. Children adopted from different countries for numerous reasons, have been given a chance at a life with less hardships.

These children, if they start a search when they become an adult, will often discover it can be extremely hard for any closure of identity. They are often not able to retrieve any parental information, as information does not exist in most cases.

Illegal market adoptions unfortunately still take place. Records are always destroyed to protect the people involved, who have exchanged money in order to obtain a child.

Surrogacy and artificial insemination, although not necessarily involving adoption, can still leave children with no knowledge of their birth mothers or birth fathers. Records are kept somewhere by someone, but may not be available to an adult looking for closure.

All of the above methods to provide adopting parents with a child, can cause a good or bad situation for adoptees, especially if they decide to trace their roots.

Primitive societies disposed of unwanted children by infanticide, so thank goodness we live in a more modern and humane society.

There have been many statistics collected about adoption. Some I have found to be quite interesting. The following stats were collected from the open and closed adoptions recorded by the Children’s Aid Societies in the United States and Canada; the adoptions methods that leave a paper trail. These statistics are on file for public inspection through the Children’s Aid, and Children’s Welfare Departments in the aforementioned countries.

In 1975 the recorded adoptions showed 76 percent of the birth parents were not married when they gave their child up for adoption. Furthermore, 16 percent of adopted children were raised with siblings, who were the biological children of the adoptive parents.

Oddly enough, 58 percent of adopted children were discovered to have similarities in looks with the adopted parents. I can only presume there was a time in which children were placed with families, in which there was a strong resemblance, such as hair and skin colour. Because of this, if adopted parents decided to not disclose the fact that the child they were raising was not their biological child, then the adoptee could in essence go through their life not knowing the truth.

In the City of Ottawa in Ontario, Canada, where I was born, I discovered some intriguing 1959 statistics when I did research in that area. There were 139 adoptions put through the Children’s Aid Society, rising to 511 in 1969. Of course, one has to be realistic in that most cities have a rise in population which would naturally account for the increase in adoptions. However, seventeen years later in 1986, the number of children adopted in the same area had dropped drastically to only fifty-six.

I chose these statistics of decades ago because a lot of unwed mothers now have started to keep their new born babies, wanting to raise the child themselves.

The search by adopted people looking for their natural blood relatives can be a lengthy process—or unfortunately in some cases, the biological relatives are never found. In my case, it took sixteen months and seventeen days for my ‘find’ to happen, which was very fast, considering the many years some people spend searching. The story part of my search and remarkable find, begins in chapter five, where I have provided information on how to start a search as the story progresses.

At the time when I was searching for my birth parents, records were totally closed until a child reached adulthood. The same applied to a birth mother or father searching for a child. No agency would help birth parents with their search until the child was in his or her adult years of eighteen or older.

The ways in which a person learns he or she was adopted are as diverse as the people themselves. Young children often seem to handle this new revelation in their lives easier than older children or adults. Absolutely every circumstance is different, though many similarities or parallel events do occur.

Volumes of books have been printed concerning the psychological understanding adoptive parents need to have and how adopted people respond to the fact they are adopted. Hundreds of studies have been conducted to give social workers and adoption agencies a better knowledge of what to expect, and how to proceed with couples looking to adopt a child. As well as how to deal with an adoptee who is searching for answers.

There is very little that a person can find in print regarding the steps an adopted person might take in order to search for background information on his or her birth family. There seems to be dummy books printed for almost every imagined scenario except looking for ones roots. Even in this twenty-first century, there are friends and family who will inevitably ask, You are doing what? Do you think what you are trying to do is fair to all concerned? The best question is, Why would you want to open up such a can of worms? You may be very upset with what you find out.

In my case, although the waiting periods for information depressed me somewhat, my search went fairly smoothly. I am one of the very fortunate adoptees who came out of the search process with thankfulness and a happy heart.

Until an adoptee tries to get information, none is usually forthcoming for many reasons. Adoptive parents do not usually ask their adopted children if they are interested in their birth family or if they can supply them with any needed information. It does happen, but very rarely. The adopted person seldom approaches their adoptive parents to ask for any facts. The whole situation is usually just a stalemate. My objective is to supply people with enough information so they will know how to start a search and where to obtain help.

I have helped a number of individuals over the years who did not know where to even begin a search. It was gratifying to realize how thankful they were, when I was able to give them enough advice, that finds were made and lives were changed. In one case of helping a friend however, I did take pictures of a grave site I was able to locate for him at the end of his search. I forwarded the pictures, as he was living in Alberta, Canada and had no way of getting to Ontario at the time to visit the grave himself. He had searched for years, and was very disheartened at the outcome of his efforts.

Chapter Two

D

uring the telling of my story, I relate the many paths I took in order to make my find. I have included information regarding the different places an adoptee can go to, or write to, in order to get help.

With the advances in technology, a lot of searches are now easier to carry out, than when I started my quest for information in the early 1980’s. It can still take a degree of detective work in many cases however, so searchers need to be prepared to put in the hours.

Doing a search can be somewhat compared to purchasing a lottery ticket. You buy the ticket with the expectation of an enormous windfall, just like searchers wishing and hoping that they will end up with wonderful results in every respect. A find can also leave a person wishing they had never searched because of the end result not being a happy one – just like some windfall lottery winners, wishing they had never won such a huge amount of money because of the life-altering effects it can have. The real heartbreaking searches are when an adoptee, after searching for decades, never gets results, or only a grave is found.

Curiosity for some people is an uncontrollable force that leads them to compulsively try to discover facts. Sometimes people can become quite devious when attempting to get information and track down birth relatives.

Unpleasant finds can come in a number of categories. The following are a few examples of the reality searchers may find at the end of their quest.

Death has occurred, and only a tombstone is found.

Rejection is instant and leaves the searcher devastated.

The found parent may be in a line of work or lives a lifestyle the adoptee wishes he or she had never found out about.

The found relative is ecstatic to learn he or she has a new relative who can possibly be taken advantage of—such as using the searcher’s home as a place to live or even requesting money.

While adoptees are searching, it is wise for them to consider the negative results that can happen and not just focus on the possible positive outcomes. The above four instances or possible scenarios should not be disregarded, because these circumstances can happen. No one wants to dwell on negativity, but it is advisable to understand some of the harsh truths of unpleasant finds.

Before a search is put into action, the adoptee or parent looking for a child given up should take all possibilities into account. I was thirty years old when I started my search. I did think long and hard before committing myself to what I knew could be years of looking. I had made the decision I wanted information no matter what the outcome.

Searching is not what all adoptees need to do for themselves. I personally know a number of adoptees who have no intention of looking for their birth families. It is totally a matter of choice for each individual. I also know parents who have never told their adopted children, who are now adults, that they are in fact adopted. I pray for those parents that the truth is never realized at this late stage of their children’s lives, because in some cases it could tear a family apart.

Even though some adoptees have no intention whatsoever of searching for their original roots, this attitude could change under certain circumstances. There are a number of examples of why an adoptee could change his or her mind. A body part such as a kidney could possibly be needed from a compatible blood relative, which is sometimes the faster route to go instead of waiting for a donation from a stranger. Medical history could be needed for a rare diagnosis. Getting married could cause a problem if a person who is not adopted is marrying an adoptee. The not adopted individual could insist on knowing about racial background before the marriage. Some people still live with a lot of racial prejudice. The possibility of being romantically involved with a birth relative, though extremely rare, also can happen.

An adoptees relationship with their blood relatives is called consanguinity and is an intricate part of their very being. For some, the search process is a necessity no matter how long it takes or what they discover as a result.

Even though my search was exclusively in Canada, in the United States of America, along with many other countries, there are avenues through which a search can be made. In Canada and the United States, the Children’s Aid Society can be located easily, especially now that the Internet is just finger tips away. The office of an elected individual can also be a good place to get information, such as where a person might look in order to get facts and help. Sometimes searchers have to do research through microfilm, which can be found in archive buildings, as everything in the past has not necessarily made it onto the Internet. Wherever a search is carried out, I truly pray that a positive result is what the searcher finds.

I remember a very poignant episode during my search, when I went to a well-known fortune teller in the Ottawa area. I was grasping at anything that might help in my search. A thought came to me that this clairvoyant might be able to assist me. The woman told me almost at the start of the session, once she realized why I was there to see her, that there was no sense for me to continue with my search because my birth mother had been deceased for many years. She felt there would be nothing left for me to find. I remember crying and feeling heartbroken. Returning to my apartment, another thought came to me—what if the fortune teller was wrong. Could there be such a possibility—as Homer Simpson from the TV show would say, doh!

With my Christian faith so strong, I was more than annoyed at myself for seeking such an avenue of enlightenment. As stated earlier, sometimes adoptees will go to extreme measures to get information during their search.

What often makes searching so difficult is the sealed records. These sealed records are in place for good reason but are a definite annoyance to anyone looking for their roots. The sealed record is actually the original birth certificate, which is replaced with a new amended version of the original, after the adoption has been legalized. The original is removed from the main file then sealed and filed separately.

There are many activists who are attempting to have all this secrecy abolished. Every once in a while in Canada, the adoption process is in the news because of concerned individuals, expressing their desire to have some of the laws of the country