The Black Girl's Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds

By Nijiama C Smalls

"I wish my father had been present in my life, so I would not have accepted a lot of crap from men."

"Growing up, I didn't feel loved by my mother which caused...."

"It is hard to find and maintain a solid g

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nvision Solutions LLC
• Release date: Mar 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781734692808

Book preview

THE BLACK GIRL’S

GUIDE TO HEALING

EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

NIJIAMA SMALLS

Copyright 2020 © by Nijiama Smalls

All rights reserved. Published in the United States

by Nvision Solutions

Cover by Vox Illustrations

ISBN

To my husband, Shamon, I am grateful for your wisdom, selflessness, and unconditional love.

To my sister, Felicia, and close friends, thank you for loving me even during the times that I was unlovable.

To all my fellow Black girls that struggle just like

I do, that have suffered from life’s hurts as I have. May God give us the grace and power to grow,

learn, heal, and build a sisterhood that empowers

future generations.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1: How Did We Get Here?

Generational Trauma

Family Secrets

Mommy Issues

Daddy Issues

Bullying

Failed Relationships

Death

The Devil

Chapter 2: The Healing Process

Self-Awareness

Forgiveness

Contentment

Chapter 3: Soul Cleanse

Community

Anti-Gossip

Heal Through True Love

Chapter 4: The Black Girl Code

Notes

Introduction

Take a walk with me, and I’ll introduce you to four women I know. See if you know them too.

Sara

She walks into the double glass doors of the high-rise office building in downtown Washington, DC. Her pointy black stiletto pumps tap lightly across the marble floor as she enters the elevator. You can hear her designer bag swish across the bottom of her pencil skirt as she passes through the hallway. Dressed to the nines, Sara has earned a bachelor’s and master’s degree from one of the nation’s top historically black colleges and universities. She is well-spoken, sharp, and driven. Armed with a photographic memory, she has earned a high-paying position as a finance manager for one of the nation’s largest accounting firms. Sara oversees one direct report that she has a very transactional relationship with. Continuing her stroll down the hallway, she gives each of her colleagues and her direct report a perfunctory grin as she glides into her office.

Her office is bright, spacious, and decorated with her sorority paraphernalia. As she settles in, Sara opens her laptop, sips on her coffee, and prepares for the day. Soon after, her boss walks in the door and stands by her desk.

Good morning, Sara, how was your weekend? he asks.

She responds in an abrupt tone, It was great Bob, how can I help you? Bob responds, I want to discuss the report that you created, I have some feedback for you… Uhmmm, he pauses I’m not trying to be harmful. Please do not see this as an attack. I simply want to help you grow within your role. She braces herself as he proceeds to provide her the feedback. You put the wrong data in column X and you should sort by the numerator. As Bob is talking, Sara becomes filled with anger. She is responsible for creating the report, and she believes she should be free to do that without any input from Bob. After listening, she says, Bob I have been doing these reports for a while and I know what I’m doing. That’s why you hired me. If I need your help, I will ask. Bob shakes his head and leaves her office.

Sara is a tough girl. She does not allow anyone to correct her, put her in her place or disrespect her. I am very direct, is how she normally introduces herself to new people, letting them know upfront that she will not tolerate any level of disrespect. She says exactly what’s on her mind without weighing the costs. Her colleagues deem her intimidating and unapproachable. Sara makes it clear that she is not at work to make friends or to even be friendly. She does not partake in company festivities, celebrations, or after-hours networking events, which doesn’t help her change her reputation.

Sara has been eyeing the position of director of finance with her company since it was posted internally. She reads the job description daily knowing that she meets each of the criteria for the role. She has the skills, education, and abilities however, she keeps getting negative performance reviews because of her attitude and has even been written up for it. Sara is known to be difficult to work with and confrontational.

Although she enjoys the work that she does, Sara is unhappy with the company and has even turned bitter towards it. Because of her poor inter-office skills and heated confrontations, which resulted in human resources issues, she has been moved under three different managers. She has found each manager to be difficult to work with and the working relationships have ended negatively. Since she feels that she has hit a brick wall with her employer, she wants to find a position with another company however this will be the third employer she has worked for in three and a half years. She feels stuck and that’s causing her a great deal of anger. The good projects and cool assignments within the company are being given to other colleagues. Her boss and her bosses’ boss both seem to avoid her at all costs. She confides in one friend that tolerates her as most other colleagues seem to wish her gone as well.

Shawna

The bookstore is where you will find thirty-something Shawna. She is reserved, analytical, and enjoys reading. She doesn’t enjoy the social scene, parties, or small talk, and is awkwardly quiet in social settings. Therefore, she prefers books, Netflix, and animals — she adopts and cares for rescue dogs and cats — over people. Over the years, she has had many friends — high school friends, college friends, work friends, etc. But, along the way something happens. Someone will say or do something to hurt her or they will cross a line that she has created that they may have been unaware of.

After each incident, she quiets herself, never expressing her true feelings. She spends time replaying the conversations over and over in her head, fantasizing about what she should have said and the meaning behind every word mentioned. To ease the pain, she distances herself from her offender. For Shawna, it’s much easier to create distance than to courageously broach a conversation about it. Eventually, the distance becomes no contact at all.

At this point in her life, Shawna longs for solid relationships and even misses the people she’s cut off but finds them taxing; they require too much work to maintain. She has grown weary and now finds it easier to remain alone and unseen. The desire for meaningful relationships doesn’t go away, yet she does not know how to find a way out of the cycle that she is in.

Nefertiti

Tall, chocolate, handsome, well-spoken, and successful is the type of man that Brooklyn native Nefertiti desires. He’s confident, secure, charming, tough, and charismatic, but sensitive and emotional when it comes to her. He enjoys being her provider and puts her on a pedestal because she is his queen. This the man that Nefertiti fantasizes sweeping her off her feet, similar to the characters in romantic comedies. These fantasies have been a part of Nefertiti’s thoughts since she was a young girl being reared by her mother and grandmother. Eventually, her fantasies led to her dating her college sweetheart, Kyle.

She fell hard and fast for the handsome and popular Kyle. Nefertiti was quiet and flew under the radar, so she enjoyed the fact that a popular boy like Kyle paid her attention. He was a guy that she tutored in college, and soon those long nights in the library turned into romantic talks. Eventually, he proved that preparing for class assignments wasn’t his thing. So, he asked her to write his papers while he spent all night partying with his frat brothers. She didn’t mind. She enjoyed it because it gave him a reason to keep coming back.

Nefertiti relished every compliment he gave her, even the smallest amount of attention he paid to her.

Soon they became lovers as she snuck him into her dorm room late at night for many hours of lovemaking. She loved the fact that a guy like him was interested in her and that she is in a relationship of sorts. But as fate would have it, she got pregnant, and that changed everything. Eventually, she dropped out of college to have the baby and to focus on her family. Kyle, on the other hand, remained in college and earned his degree. The two married after he graduated and on the night of their honeymoon, Nefertiti discovered that Kyle fathered another child while she was pregnant.

Unlike the relationships she fantasized about, however, romance with Kyle does not include dates. There are no small tokens of love and appreciation shown, and no words of affirmation given. The relationship becomes mundane quickly. Kyle spends lots of time away from home as he pursues his career and personal aspirations. Somehow, those aspirations led to him engaging in several infidelities. She forgives him each time but quietly resents Kyle, not only because of the infidelities though.

Nefertiti feels that she dropped out of college to become wife and mom to Kyle and their children, putting her life and dreams on hold while he continues to pursue his dreams. She often feels lost, lonely, without direction, and not quite sure of herself. The lack of fulfillment often overwhelms her and makes her sad and angry. She resents the fact that she has not accomplished many things in her life. There are times when she is angry with herself for marrying Kyle. However, she remains committed to Kyle, their family, and their future together.

Caroline

Free-spirited and artsy are attributes that can be used to describe Caroline. Never following the crowd or trends, Caroline is funny, resourceful, and colorful. Her style is eclectic, and her mood is ever-changing. A talented singer, she devotes her free time to performing live in the city on the weekends. But this free spirit was struck by tragedy at a very early age. When Caroline was only ten years old, her father died suddenly, leaving her mother as