Dear Earthly Angels

By Jessica Wise

If I were to ask you, when you say God is with you, God is taking care of you, what does that actually look like? Could you describe it? Could you express how it feels? I now can say that I can.

Dear Earthly Angels is a thought provoking, heart wrenchingly honest account of a woman's journey through cancer in her prime as a mother

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Sep 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781647733490

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Dear Earthly Angels

Jessica Wise

Trilogy Christian Publishers

TUSTIN, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2020 by Jessica Wise

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (KJV) taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version. Cambridge Edition: 1769.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

For information, address Trilogy Christian Publishing

Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, Ca 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/ TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Manufactured in the United States of America

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-64773-348-3

ISBN 978-1-64773-349-0 (ebook)

Contents

Prologue ix

Part I

Just Prior to My Diagnosis 3

The Lump 7

The Diagnosis 13

That Night 17

The MRI 23

The MRI Results 27

The Oncologist 31

Letting People into My World 37

I Have Difficult News to Share 41

How I Told My Kids I Had Breast Cancer 49

Meeting with the Surgeon and the Radiologist 53

My Painting 57

Prayer Service Invitation 61

Visiting My Kids’ School 65

First Meeting with the Oncologist 71

Reconstruction 77

One Breast or Two... That is the Question 81

Why Me? 85

My Prayer Service 89

The Surgery 97

Wow That Was an Experience 103

One Week After Surgery 107

Coming to Terms with My New Body 113

Body Scans 119

Two Weeks After Surgery 123

Oncologist, Treatment Plan Discussion 129

Telling My Kids About My Treatment 137

Treatment Plan Revealed 141

Just Before Chemo 147

Round One Highlights 155

Round One Hits Hard 161

I Could Use a Superpower About Now 167

Will I Need Radiation? 171

Recovered from Round One 177

Just Before Round Two 181

Right After Round Two 185

Radiation Conversations with the Oncologist, Part I 191

Right Before Round Three 195

Radiation Conversations, Part Two 205

After Round Four 209

Just Before Radiation 217

One Week Down of Radiation, Four to Go 221

Three Weeks Down of Radiation, Two to Go 229

Two Days of Radiation Left to Go 233

One Month After Radiation 237

My Journey Has Come to an End 245

My Kids After It All 255

What It Means to Be an Earthly Angel 259

Thank You 265

Part Two

That Which Does Not Kill You Makes You Stronger 271

Another Journey 275

Chemotherapy Is About to Begin 285

Now THAT Was Chemo 289

The Chemo Hits and It Hits Hard 293

Recovering and Regaining Strength After Round One 297

Living in My Present Moment Right Before Round Two 301

Round Two Hits 305

Trying to Recover Fully from Round Two 313

Recovered from Round Two and Enjoying the Moments 319

Recovering from Round Three 323

Just Before the Fourth Treatment 331

After Round Four 339

Moving Forward Yet Again–To Me, There is No Other Option 353

Thank You, My Dear Earthly Angels 361

References 365

About the Author 367

To all my beautiful earthly angels who picked me up

and carried me within their wings; especially,

my husband, whose unconditional love and care

raised me up like no other.

Prologue

My journey began on February 28th in the year 2017, when I decided to go back to my surgeon to talk about the lump that I had found eight months earlier. The lump that all the doctors thought was a cyst, the lump that was so tiny and positioned in a way that made a biopsy tricky and risky, the lump that never showed up on any mammogram, the lump with all my misguided wisdom, I chose not to biopsy but opted to watch instead.

The year before, at my final checkup, the lump measured smaller, Cancer doesn’t shrink, I was told, yet another clue that pointed to a cyst, leaving nothing pointing to cancer, so I left in peace. It was the summer of 2016; I walked right out of the surgeon’s office—happy, carefree, feeling physically great, believing I had a cyst, without as much as an inkling as to how wrong I truly was.

I have thought back to that day and have pictured God lovingly nodding His head, saying, It’s not the right time for you to find your cancer, trust me. Or perhaps He shook His head and said, Ahhh, free will, it gets in the way every time. Or perhaps, a little of both went on that day.

On that last day in February in 2017, things were different; the exam ended in a biopsy and on Ash Wednesday, March 1, 2017, I got a call from my surgeon in which I heard the devastating words, I am so very sorry, your biopsy came back positive. At that moment, I felt a small piece of me die, the piece that trusted that I had good judgment, that I could make sound decisions, the piece that trusted that my mind knew what was best for me.

As the surgeon continued to speak about what this means, next steps, and a future prognosis, I held the phone tight, frozen in fear, as I let go of yet another part of me and felt it wither and die. The part of me that trusted a false sense of security that I would live a long healthy life because I took such good care of myself. That misguided trust and the sense of control that came with it, in all its innocence, died in one heart-stopping moment.

The call came around 3:30 p.m. when my children were just getting home from school. As the call ended, I packed up my new-found knowledge, my emotions full of despair, and tucked them neatly within. I walked into the kitchen and calmly said with my everyday smile, Ok, guys, now who wants to tell me about their day? Then life went on, but as I looked into the eyes of my children, I felt yet another piece of me wither and die—the piece of me that trusted my life plan, the plan always to be here to raise my three beautiful children, to teach them, to guide them, to love them, until they no longer needed me.

That night I went to mass and cried through every reading, song, and prayer. I prayed to God to guide me because I had no more answers; I had no more misguided trusts; I had no more plans. I was completely vulnerable and unequivocally afraid. I bowed my head and cried as I prayed to Jesus, I am lost, and I need you more than ever.

Looking back, I can picture God at that very moment, looking upon me with love in His eyes, excitedly saying, Yes, I am here. Yes, it is time. You are now ready for this journey. Dry your eyes, and do not be afraid, for I am with you. But at that moment, fear surrounded my head in a thick fog, and I could not hear.

Thus, I ventured forth on a very tumultuous journey. A journey that was long and difficult, probably the hardest thing I mentally have ever had to get through, and most definitely the scariest life situation I have ever had to face. But, as I traveled one step at a time and watched many more pieces of me die, miraculously, love and peace were revealed. I felt intense pain amongst indescribable love. I mentally suffered in the midst of eye-opening enlightenment. So yes, parts of my journey were horrible, but many more parts were amazingly glorious because I was not alone. God most certainly was with me, and unbeknownst to me, a glorious army of companions, my earthly angels, were also there to walk with me, love me, support me, every painful step of the way.

The following pages chronicle my entire journey through diagnoses, treatments, and recoveries. To be completely honest, it was not easy exposing my suffering, and it was mentally grueling to relive my journey as I edited, but I felt called to do so. I was told by many that my words were inspired by God and have the power to change lives. I thought to myself, If that is true, then writing this book was something I must do, not for me, but for you.

This book is compiled of all the email updates I wrote to my closest friends and family, whom I called my earthly angels, plus added chapters to supply more details and add clarity. My hopes are that as the pages of this book unfold, you feel what it was like to be me while I allowed God’s lovely earthly angels to pick me up and carry me within their wings through my journey. But most importantly, as you travel with me, I pray you hear the words of God, feel the spirit of faith, understand unwavering hope and learn the immense power of love.

Without further ado, let’s begin, come with me as we walk together, hand in hand, through a journey that changed my life. Witness how I discovered how to truly believe in my faith amongst what seemed to be impossible life circumstances and how I figured out how to live as a cancer survivor.

Part One

Just Prior to My Diagnosis

If you were to ask me to tell you about myself, the very first thing I would tell you would be that I am a mom of three delightful children—a thirteen-year-old boy, an eleven-year-old boy, and an eight-year-old girl. They are the center of my life. I worked right out of college as a teacher in high school, moved onto teaching adult programming, and ultimately ended up as a software application developer until my first child was born. At that point, I resigned; I happily gave it all up to be a stay at home mom. It was something I had always wanted to do.

I was older when I had my first child, thirty-one to be exact, and the other two quickly followed, leaving two years between each child. My husband is a wonderful provider. He works in IT as well, currently as a Chief Data Analytics Officer, and has always given us plenty. We have a beautiful home, nice cars, a house full of stuff, mostly meaningful stuff such as instruments, books, scrapbooks full of memories, and supplies to do just about anything from painting to cooking—meaningless stuff not so much, regardless, we are very blessed. Everyone’s needs are met; we want for nothing. Realizing how blessed we are, we gave our time and talents as well as resources to our community. We had faith that God was good. Thus, life was good.

I have always been into health and nutrition, my family would say to a level of obsession, and I would have to agree. I have always strived to eat healthy. As the years passed and my knowledge grew, I made sure to incorporate the latest science making my current diet healthier than ever. I exercised every day except during a few years as a mom of small children just because I couldn’t get my head above the water, but once my youngest hit age three or four, I was back into the swing of things. I take care of myself better than most, a fact that gave me a false sense of security. A healthy weight, strong muscles, great blood work; to me, that equaled great health, thus no concerns.

When my youngest was four, I started my own business teaching children science and engineering with the use of Legos. My boys loved Legos. They loved to innovate, so one day, I asked our elementary school Parent Teacher Association (PTA) president if they had an enrichment program to meet their needs. The answer was, No, do you want to start one? So, I did, and my business was born. I would create six-week curriculums full of interesting research, interactive activities, and engineering creativities in hopes of getting kids innovating. I took my program to the elementary schools in my area and taught it to kids after school. I was a one-woman show with many wonderful parent volunteers, I loved it, and the kids loved it. It was a little something on the side that made me feel like I still had a brain after all the years of not working. I felt blessed to have the opportunity.

In the year 2015, my oldest started middle school, and it was getting more difficult to be out of the home after school. I felt my son needed me more and more, especially on the days he would get off the bus and say, Mom, guess what happened today. And I would have the opportunity to listen to him, offer advice, and support him, just because I was in the right place at the right time. Somehow when teens are asked pointed questions, it’s just not the same as being there in the moment when they are ready to share. Life also got busier with clubs and activities as the kids got older, and being away after school was becoming painful to coordinate. So, I decided after the 2016 Spring season, I would take a break from my business. I started the 2016–2017 school year with less responsibility and a more concentrated focus on my kids. I was happy and content. Yes, life was good.

The Lump

In the late Spring of 2016, my husband and I were watching a movie. I was lying down with my hands behind my head, clasped at my fingers. I was concentrating on the movie, and not paying attention to anything else when my left hand let go of the other, went across my body and touched a lump on my chest. Yes, it was that odd. I didn’t have an itch or a weird sensation; my hand simply went right to it. It was very small, and it was squishy. Thus, I wasn’t immediately alarmed. My doctor had always told me that cancer felt like a dried pea; this did not. I still asked my husband to pause the movie and feel the lump I just stumbled upon. It was very high up on my chest and to me seemed to be in my chest muscle, so I thought perhaps it was a muscle knot. I strength train regularly so that wouldn’t be out of the question. He felt it and concurred with my theory, and we went on our merry way.

A few days later, I thought to myself, which I’m sure was guided by the Holy Spirit, It’s not going away; perhaps I should go to the doctor. I made an appointment and got in that week. My obstetrician/gynecologist (OBGYN) took a look and said it didn’t seem like cancer, but it’s worth checking out. So, she sent me to a breast cancer surgeon. I got in right away. They scheduled me for a crazy expensive diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound. After the tests were completed, I went right into the surgeon’s office to review the results.

The surgeon wasn’t concerned at all. My lump didn’t show up on my mammogram; in fact, I had had five mammograms, one each year since I turned forty, nothing ever showed up on any of them. However, the film did show my breast tissue to be very dense; this wasn’t news to me. I had been told that before, so many women had been told that before, leading no one to be concerned. The ultrasound showed the lump, but it was round, completely round, and cancer isn’t normally perfectly round. She felt it and agreed that it felt squishy and pliable. After all that, she said she was 99 percent sure it wasn’t cancer, but a biopsy is the only way to be 100 percent sure. I then asked about the risks of the biopsy. The small lump was right on top of my chest muscle and close to my lung; therefore, there were risks. I have always erred on the side of no intervention unless it’s 100 percent necessary, and all the details of this case made me think a biopsy at this time was not necessary.

I then asked if I came back in a month or so, could seeing it a second time give data that would help determine if a biopsy is 100 percent necessary. The surgeon was taken back by my response and said yes, that would help, but she wanted me to call my husband and discuss it because most people have the biopsy done for peace of mind. I was totally convinced that this lump was nothing—mistake number one, but I still called my husband. He agreed that no biopsy at this time was a good plan; he too was convinced it was nothing—mistake number two.

I scheduled an appointment and returned several weeks later. I had been feeling the lump over the weeks, and to me, it had gotten smaller, so I really wasn’t concerned. Once back at the surgeon’s office, she took a look with the ultrasound machine, and indeed it had shrunk. At that point, she explained that cancer doesn’t shrink, so it’s probably just a cyst. She wasn’t concerned, I wasn’t concerned, so I left without doing a biopsy—mistake number three.

I know what you are thinking, how could that happen? We were both staring cancer right in the face but didn’t see it. There was nothing that concerned either one of us. I had read about all the unnecessary breast biopsies each year. I had read about what cancer feels like. I felt totally healthy and fine. To me, it was not cancer, and I walked out of her office in peace, ironic isn’t it? You would think in a situation like that, you would get a sign, a feeling, a doubt, but in this case, I walked out in total peace.

A few months later, my Invisalign treatment for my teeth was finishing up, but my bite was misaligned. The orthodontist suggested more months of Invisalign treatments, but I had just finished a little over a year of treatment and was mentally done with it all. So, I asked if wire braces would be faster. He said it would. Thus, I decided to go into wire braces for a few months, thinking it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Well it was, it was horrible. My back teeth didn’t touch; my top and bottom front teeth banged together when I chewed. It was extremely difficult to eat, and as the weeks went by, my tolerance for it all became less and less. After a month, I was miserable. I wasn’t doing a good job of accepting my situation. It was causing me a tremendous amount of stress. In addition to my bite being off, my mouth produced a lot of saliva once rubber bands came into the treatment plan, and slowly, my stomach grew angrier and angrier. Periodically I became nauseous after meals, and as time went on, it grew more and more frequent. My orthodontist claimed that I was having very strange side effects, and no one else seems to have stomach issues from braces. This perplexed me. Ultimately my issues caused me to lose some weight, and once that happened, I found myself noticing the little lump high in my chest, more and more.

I could see the presumed cyst when I was strength training and thought to myself, Hey, that is odd how it sticks out more, did it grow? As weeks passed, my stomach issues got worse. I went to doctor after doctor, and everyone claimed I had reflux; thus, they put me on antacids. I also changed my diet to avoid all acidic foods. I ate small meals frequently. I did all the things they say to do when you have reflux. But I still felt horrible. I wasn’t getting better, and anxiety about the whole thing was rearing its ugly head. I realized that after strength training, my chest really hurt bad and my eyes kept going to the little cyst high up in my chest, and I just felt like something was very wrong. I remember asking the doctors, I have never had any stomach or chest issues in my life. The orthodontist says this is not typical. Can I have something really crazy like stomach cancer? The answer was always, That isn’t likely, take the medicine, stomach issues take time to resolve.

So, I took the medicine, I continued to eat right, and told myself to hang in there; once the braces come off, I will be fine. I sucked it up and made the best of my situation. During those few months, my attention kept going back to my little cyst. I kept wondering if somehow it was contributing to my chest pain, and one day I felt it and said to myself, I really do think it grew and it sits right on top of my muscle; perhaps this cyst is causing my chest pain. I picked up the phone and made an appointment to go back to the surgeon to discuss removing my cyst.

I booked an appointment with the surgeon on the last day of February in 2017. The office visit began with a conversation about what exactly was a sebaceous cyst and how it will be removed. Once I laid down on the examination table, and the surgeon took a look at the cyst with her ultrasound machine and felt it, I immediately saw a change in her demeanor. Her eyes were full of compassion, sadness, and regret; frankly, it scared me. She measured the lump, and indeed it had grown a few millimeters, and she immediately said, We need to biopsy it, and we are going to do it right now. I wasn’t given a choice this time. At that point, I was in shock; I could see concern written all over her face. The biopsy was quick and not even painful; afterward, I started asking pointed questions. She started to explain to me the process, what is to follow if it were to be cancer, what I could expect. It was all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I was thinking to myself that my tiny cyst that concerned no