Out of the Darkness: An Autobiography of Love: Part Two

By Pearl Sunshine

Loved Back to Life Series

These first 4 books in the Loved Back to Life Series,  reveals Peral's personal search for meaning and Purpose in life today when death was the only option she thought existed. She wanted to believe in hope bu

• Language: English
• Publisher: SCPublishing
• Release date: Jun 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9781734970319

Book preview

Introduction

‘Pearl’ by Jesus

My little one you are my Pearl of great price. I have brought you out of the darkness and out of great suffering to be my jewel, my precious and beloved child. That is who you are and will always be. You will show others what it means to be a child of the king my little one. You will show them how loved and precious they are to me no matter what this world has taught them about who they are. You will show them the truth. I will take all of your pain my little one and all of your tears and I will use them to bring hope and joy to those who need it the most.

I will send you out my little one to those who are lost in the darkness, to my hidden children who do not know what it is to be loved or wanted. Your story will give them hope and through you they will see and understand that they too are loved and wanted. You will show the world who I am through the things that I have shown you my little one and through the person that you are. You will show them the truth about what it means to be a child, a true child of God. My little one you will know what it is to love and be loved. I will give you a heart that is open and free. Free to love those I give to you and free to be loved also.

You will teach others how to reach out to those who have been hurt like yourself my little one, not only in your words but also in your actions. You will be a light for me in places where few other lights shine. I will give you a joy that will shine out to those around you bringing hope and life to those who have not known either. My little one you will be my blessing and my gift to this world, a jewel in my crown. You know what it is to suffer my little one, but you will also know what it is to dance with joy. You will love me with all of your heart and follow wherever I will lead you and when all is said and done and I take you home to be where I am, you will be glad that you lived the life I had for you my little one. Though the cost is very high you will say that it was worth it. All this and more will be true of you my little one, because you are my Pearl... and this is who I have made you to be.

Preface by Pearl

I wrote these books because Jesus asked me to . He asked me to because he wants to show you who he is and how much he loves his children. It will be difficult to read sometimes, the things I talk about are real and painful. They are the truth of what happened to me, but it isn’t the darkness he wants you to see so much as the light that shines in the darkness. I didn’t hold back or hide what happened or my own pain and brokenness, because it’s only when you see the darkness for what it is, it’s impact and the difficulty of recovering from it that you can see the miracle of what Jesus has done in his healing of my heart. He wants you to see through my story what he is willing to do to bring his children out of the darkness into the light of his love. Whether you have been hurt like me or not, we all need Jesus to go into the broken places and bring his light and his healing. We all need to know that we are loved and safe, always.

I hope that you will continue to read even when it is difficult and painful, because it is in those places we meet Jesus and see him most clearly for who he is. Don’t be afraid because he is right there with you as you are reading, ready to bring life and hope and healing to your heart just like he did for me. His love for you isn’t any less, his truth is the same for you as it is for me. He is with you and loves you just as you are, and he knows who you can be, who he made you to be, which is more than you can imagine right now. He is faithful to walk alongside you and lead you forward as you say yes to him, even if your yes is very small to begin with, he will take it and work through it to draw you closer to him.

My story may seem extraordinary to you and parts of it are hard to believe or understand... but see it as the beginning of a journey to discovering more of who Jesus is. Allow yourself to question and to wonder. Give yourself time to ponder on his words which aren’t just for me but are his gift to all of us. He is with us on our journey drawing us forward towards his heart of love for us. This is just another step, one that I hope you will be willing to take.

Chapter 1

Seeing the Story

Jesus had been telling me for a long time that he would use my story to reach out to others, to help them on their healing journey, to show people who he is. He told me I was part of something much bigger, part of his story.

My little one you are my child and that will not ever change. You are my servant also my little one and I am working to make you able to serve me in the ways that I have told you of, to reach out to those who are lost and broken. My dearest one this is also part of who you are, it cannot be separated from the person that I have made you to be my little one for you were created with a purpose and plan, to love me and to serve me. This is part of who I have made you to be my little one.

I kind of see that Jesus.

My little one everything that you are belongs to me. I am the one who will enable you to become all that you were created to be my little one, to fulfil the purpose that I have for your life. My dearest one you were created in love and the purpose I have given you is to love and be loved. It is so for all of my children my little one but each of you has a unique way of expressing and sharing that love, specific people that I have for you to love and to be loved by, fulfilling a specific part in the great story which is the fulfilment of my love upon the earth.

It looks messy to me Jesus because so much of it goes wrong. I don’t know how you make sense of any of it.

Because I see and know all things at all times my little one. Nothing is hidden from me and I am able to work everything together according to my good purpose both for you and to those that I have given to you and given you to. My dearest one I am making a great and wonderful story that is made up of many individual stories all held together and bound up in my great love. It is a wonderful story my little one and one which is worth all of the pain and all of the mess that you see.

That is hard to imagine Jesus because it is so very messy and painful.

Yes my little one it is and yet I am able to take all of the pain and all of the mess and create something beautiful. I will do this with your life my little one and also with the story of creation of which yours is a part.

I know I don’t understand at all Jesus. Sometimes it gets hard to see past me, but I am just a tiny weeny part of something very wow.

Yes my little one you are but you yourself are also very wow my little one.

You think so Jesus.

Yes my little one I do.

We had done short versions of our story before, but it was very difficult and painful, and I still didn't see how I would ever be able to tell it. Now Jesus was asking me to tell it again. He told me to read back over the letters that Jennifer had written and to look at the pictures she drew and to write it down, only in much more detail than we had before and to share it with Mike. He said it was part of my preparation and that he would heal me through it too.

Crying...Jesus

My little one I am here with you. I will give you everything you need my little one.

Crying...I don't know how to do it Jesus. How will I ever find the words.

My little one I will be helping you. I will show you how my little one. I will help you to say the things that are so very hard for you to say. My dearest one this will help you.

It will make a way for you my little one and all that is to come.

Crying... I don't know how...Crying...

I know my little one but my dearest one.

Crying...

You are not alone. I will be helping you.

Crying...I don't want to think about it...Crying

I know my little one I know.

Crying...Crying

My little one my love will sustain you. I will help you my dearest one. All you must do is a little at a time. My little one this is to help you and in time those I will send to you. I want to bring healing to you my little one so that the pain and the fear are gone and so you can live your life free of the things of the past.

Crying...

My little one this is only another step forward. That is all my little one. Just one step. You are able.

Crying...I know I need to be better Jesus and be able to talk about it or I will never be able to help like you want me to.

Yes my little one that is so. My dearest one I will give you my courage and my strength. You are safe and you are loved my little one. The things of the past cannot harm you my little one not if you surrender them to me.

Am I understanding what you are wanting me to do?

Yes my little one you are. An honest telling of your story my little one, from your heart, expressing all of your thoughts and all of your pain. I know my dearest one that this is a hard thing that I am asking but it will bring you much healing and enable you to walk forward with me.

Ok.

My little one I am holding you close to my heart of love. I will help you my little one.

Telling your story will help you in so many ways my little one.

Crying...

It is time for your voice to be heard.

Crying...

But who would want to hear it Jesus?

Crying...

My little one there are many for whom your voice will bring healing and freedom. There are many my little one who will want to hear your story. Tell it in your own words my little one as you see it. It will help you to understand not only the things of the past but also your own heart and your own thoughts. You have much still to discover about yourself my little one.

Crying...

My little one I will be with you. I do not ask you to do this alone. I know my little one that you long to be comforted. It will be given to you my little one. I know how much you long to be heard and yet how much you fear it. I will help you break down the walls of fear and of silence so that you are able to tell what has not yet been told.

But it has been Jesus.

Not by you my little one and as you tell the things that you already know you will find that there is more that you will discover. Do not fear this my little one for not all of it is painful.

Crying... I don't know how...Crying... No one ever listened to me Jesus. It isn't allowed… Crying...

Yes my little one it is allowed. Now is the time to tell your story my little one. To tell it from your perspective and not from anyone else's.

But isn't it all mixed up?

The things that you remember are your memories my little one. They belong to you.

I get confused because maybe they belong to someone else.

No my little one the memories that you have belong to you. Even if they are shared memories, they belong to you my little one.

I don't even know if I can remember Jesus.

I will help you my little one. I will take down the walls just enough so that you can remember and so that I can heal you. It will not be too much for you my little one. I am with you. My little one you are safe in my arms of love. Everything you need will be given to you. I will be with you my little one.

Yes... but I am bit tired of all this healing Jesus. I just want it to go away.

I know my little one but unless you are healed you cannot walk the path that I have for you. My dearest one this is to help you and bring you life. I will help you my little one.

I had forgotten a lot of the things we had remembered over the past five or so years. I didn't want to remember them because they were still too painful and frightening. The things I did remember were kind of jumbled still and there was a lot I didn't understand about the things we had remembered. I didn't think about the bad things. I still didn't want them to be true, so this was a difficult thing he was asking. Jesus said that he was going to work through it to help me see and understand my story better. He would help me understand more of who he is and who I am. That he would work through it to bring me life.

My little one I will continue to heal you in everything that you do for me. All of it brings you life my little one.

Everything?

Yes my little one everything you do for me is done with me and I am life my little one. As I flow through you to accomplish my will, I am changing you my little one. All of it is used to bring you healing and life and to draw you closer to me.

I think that is lovely Jesus. But then you are... Crying

My little one it is always my desire to give to you good things, through everything that life will bring to you. I know my dearest one that you still see your life as being dull and pointless much of the time, but it is not my little one. I am working through all of it.

I was very afraid to see and remember the bad things. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to see myself as that little girl. I didn't want to be her. It still felt so real when I was remembering, and I needed Jesus courage to face up to it.

I went to church today. Jesus showed me a picture to help me. He showed me him as king with all the darkness from my past under his feet. And I wasn't in the darkness Mr. Mike I was in his arms. That made me feel better and safer about looking at the past things again.

As I read and wrote and remembered and spent time with Jesus, he started to fill in the gaps. I remembered more things, different things that helped me to understand the pieces of the jigsaw that I already had.

What are we doing today Jesus?

I want you to remember the lady next door and all that happened to you there.

Barbara.

Yes my little one.

Will you help me because I'm not sure I can do it? She was so cruel... Crying.

Yes my little one she hurt you a great deal. My little one you are safe in my arms. Nothing can harm you.

Crying...Crying

Tell me what you see my little one.

There's a bed, a big one all neatly made up with a cover on. Brown or orange flowers or brown leaves. That was the pattern. A kind of mustard colored carpet.

What else my little one. What else do you see.

The hook. Who has a hook in their ceiling? ...Who?

My little one they were not an ordinary family.

Crying... I don't understand what I'm seeing...Crying... No... Crying... I don't believe that. I don't... I'm sorry that can't be true.

My little one do you know who she was?

She was the cruel lady that lived next door.

Yes my little one she was but she was also the lady that was in charge of training you. That's who she was my little one and this was part of the training and preparation.

I don't see how.

The scarring was necessary my little one to enable you to endure what would be done to you. She was toughening the skin.

That isn't right. No... Crying...I don't remember it. It's not true. It's not true.... It's stupid. Nobody would do that...Crying... Why are you showing me this?

Because I want you to understand my little one as much as you are able.

I don't want to understand, Crying... I don't want to know. It's not true. It's not... Crying...

My little one trust me.

Crying... it’s just... Crying... Was that my life? Is that who... what I was?

Yes my little one. To them it was but not to me my little one. You were always my precious child.

Crying...I was just a thing to them.

You were there to serve their purposes my little one. They were making you what they wanted you to be.

What was that?

Fit for the purposes they had for you my little one.

It sounds like what you say about making me ready and having a purpose.

Yes my little one for the enemy takes everything that I do and twists it. He copies and tries to use it for his own ends but my dearest one you are mine you were always mine and this was never your purpose my little one, it was never who you are.

Crying...

I know that these things are hard for you to understand and accept my little one but that is why I am showing them to you. My little one you need to understand something of the why and the reality of the life that you were living. My dearest one your story is a hard one to accept but you are able my little one as you hold on to me and trust me. It is not too much for you.

Crying... I can't do this Jesus. How will I ever do this?

You will my little one because I am healing you. My little one the truth will not hurt you it will help you to heal my little one.

Crying...

I know that it is painful my little one, but I am here with my strength and with my love.

Crying... Crying

My little one there is nothing in your life at I cannot overcome. Nothing that I cannot heal my little one.

Crying... I suppose I need to see the forest better. My life... it is hard to see it.

Yes my little one I know it is but now you are strong enough my little one to begin to see and understand more of your story. It will help you my little one and it will also help others when the time comes.

I suppose I need to understand if I'm going to tell people because they will want to understand.

Yes my little one they will. It will help you my dearest one, but it is not only for you that you must see and understand these things but also for those I am sending you to. Those who will come to you seeking understanding and needing the truth.

Will you help a lot of people through me Jesus?

Yes my little one very many people all of whom are precious just as you are.

I'm having trouble with this Jesus... Crying... Seeing it and accepting me too and feeling like... I don't know anything.

I know my dearest one, but I am here with you and will help you to accept the truth about your life and about who you are. I see it all clearly my little one. Nothing is hidden from me. I will reveal these things to you as you are able to accept them. I will not go too fast for you my little one. My little one all of these things will be healed and each and every one of them redeemed. I am able my little one.

It is hard... to see past this Jesus. But there is... hope.

Yes my little one there is hope of a new life for you. I am making you able my little one. All of this is to make that possible for you.

There seems so much.

Yes my little one but we will not do it all at once. My dearest one there will be many times of healing for you. I will only take you as far as you need to go at this time my little one.

Just another step.

Yes my little one.

Ok.

My dearest one I will be holding you and loving you through this. Do not be afraid my little one I will accomplish everything that I desire, and you will see your new life.

Sometimes I think I won't make it Jesus because it is too hard.

You have me my little one. It is not too hard for you.

I won't ever be normal will I Jesus.

No my little one but I am making you special. An extraordinary child of God who will be used greatly for the kingdom. Do not fear this my little one. Do not desire to be ordinary for that was never my intention for you. Each one of my children was created to be extraordinary in their own unique way but so few of them become what they were created to be. Many of them settle for the ordinary my little one but that was never my intention for them. My dearest one my plans for you are many. Let me work within you to make you into all that you can be. I know my dearest one that you are afraid of becoming something more than you believe you can be but I also know my little one that you were born with a desire to be that person for I put that desire within you. My dearest one becoming who you were created to be is not something to be feared. It is who you are my little one and I will make you able to be who you are.

It is scary Jesus. I suppose I would settle for a lot less.

Yes my little one but you follow me. I know what it is that I have for you my little one and it is very good. Do not be afraid.

I will try though because hiding from the truth won't help. It was a terrible memory Mr. Mike but it was something else that really made me cry. I saw me and my life maybe how you see it. I don't know how you see it but... I saw something I don't know yet how to say it. The memory was so hard to believe. Barbara tied my hands together and hung me by them from the hook in the ceiling. It is hard to believe that anyone would have a big hook in their ceiling, but I have seen it before in other memories. But the next bit was harder to believe. She took a piece of material. I think it had been dipped in something like petrol or methylated spirit and she put it inside me with a bit sticking out and then she lit it. Who would do that Mr. Mike? And why. It is hard to understand, and I don't know if what Jesus said makes sense. It scared me. And I saw that to them I was a thing, not a person just thing to be made ready. That's who I was to them. To all of those people. I see it better I think, what my life really was but it is hard to accept.

Even though Jesus said the things of the past didn't say anything about who I am they made me feel dirty and disgusting and ashamed. Jesus would hold me and help me and heal me. He showed me the truth, but it took time and a lot of pain and tears.

Crying...

My little one my dearest little one I am here. I am here with you my little one.

Crying...

My dearest one talk to me tell me what you are thinking.

You already know .... Crying

Yes my little one I do but I want to help you see it clearly so that we can begin to heal you and show you the truth.

Crying... I was thinking about grandad and I was feeling something, but I didn't know what it

was but.... Crying... I think I know.... Crying

What are you feeling my little one?

Anger... Crying... And disgust... Crying. I'm angry with me for being alive... Crying... I hate myself... Crying I hate this body. Crying It's disgusting... I'm disgusting... Crying

My little one do you believe that is true?

It's how I feel.... Crying... I would like to tear myself up into little bits and disappear, But I already did that... Crying... And I'm still here... Crying… Why won't I die? Crying... Why? Crying

Because I am holding you and loving you my little one. I do not want you to die.

Crying... Why? Crying... Why? Crying... People die all the time. Crying… All the time... Crying... But not me. Crying... I just keep on living and living… Crying... It's like a prison I can't get out of... Crying

My little one will you let me in so that I can heal the pain.

Crying... Am I stopping you?

Yes my little one for my desire for you is not death but life. You have to choose my

way my little one. The way of life.

Crying... But how can I do that Jesus.... Crying... How?

Look at me my little one. What is it you want?

Crying... I want you Jesus. To be with you.... Crying

Yes my little one come. Come into my arms my little one.

So I did. I can't even tell you how much it was hurting. I held on to Jesus and he held on to me. I could hear him saying he was setting me free and to just keep holding on. I felt it go Mr. Mike. It was the enemy. I felt it go and the pain went, and I felt quiet and at peace and it was wonderful even though I still hurt and cried.

It was difficult for me to look back at my healing journey and the bad things without losing hope. Hope was always a difficult thing for me to hold on to. It seemed to slip away so easily. Even though Jesus had done so very much and had brought me through so many difficult things and loved me and held me and made promise after promise I still lost hope over and over and over again.

I have been reading more of Jennifer's letters and I am in 2011 now and maybe I can start to see me. I don't know why Jesus wanted me to read them. It is very depressing. There is a lot of enemy rubbish but that isn't the depressing thing. The conversations Jennifer had that Aj or me had they are all just the same as now. If I sent you one of those as today's you wouldn't know the difference. I don't see that anything is changed or better. I don't think it makes any difference that it is me and not Jennifer or Aj. I don't understand why Jesus was saying just the same things to us four years ago. It seems like it will be the same in another four years, like nothing is different no matter what has happened. I don't think there is any reason to think my life will change for the better. I don't understand how that can be if Jesus is who he says but I don't understand why nothing has changed in four years, not if we were following like we think. Maybe we weren't and it is all just a big mistake and we...I am going nowhere. Except that it is me now but why does that matter. I don't know. I feel like I am facing a future that is even worse because now it is me and maybe I will have to get a job and there is no point to any of the last few years if that is what is going to happen. Those conversations with the enemy I have read make me wonder about if I am talking to them now. How would I know. I don't think I would. Not really. I am feeling so very tired. Not tired I want to sleep but tired like I can't do it anymore, none of it. I can't. I did finish my story. That made me feel sad too. I think it is a sad story Mr. Mike and I am not sure where it is going. Anyway, it is done now. I don't want to tell it.

I held on to Jesus and kept going anyway. He had to help me a lot. I needed a lot of encouragement and a lot of reasons to hold on to any hope at all. Helping me see what he was doing helped. It helped me see there was some point to it all. I found it hard to see that there was any point a lot of the time.

I had a dream last night. I forgot it but then something reminded me, and it went kind of boom in my head. At first, I thought it was a bad dream but then I asked the Holy Spirit to tell what it meant and then I saw it was a good one even if it was a bit disgusting. In the dream I saw my feet and the ends of my blue jeans. My feet were covered in dead skin which was hanging off. Some of it was black. It was hanging off all the way round my feet and I thought I should get one of those foot thingies to take off the dead skin and that was all it was. The Holy Spirit showed me that the dead skin was the old falling away... like with the tooth I saw yesterday. The new skin can't be seen yet because of the old stuff hanging off but it is there. I think feet are about the way we are walking, so walking in a new way... the old way is going. That's good isn't it. Gross though...

Hello Jesus

Hello my little one.

I am feeling a bit better today Jesus. Maybe you can talk to me about what you are doing and... some hope stuff. Maybe I can hear it today. I'm sorry I don't always want to hear it.

My little one I understand your pain and all of your struggles and I will always help you to hear everything that I have to say to you at just the right time. My little one I am doing so many things. I am making you new my little one. The old is falling away and for a time you will feel like you do not recognize the person that you see but my dearest one the person you are beginning to see is the person that you truly are. The one that I see my little one. As you learn to live in the truth and the old things fall away you will be able to take hold of the new that I am giving to you. Everything is coming my little one just as I have said it would.

What are the old things that are falling away Jesus? Are you going to get rid of them because I don't want them hanging around?

Yes my little one I am. As you continue to choose to live in the truth the old thoughts and the old ways that you have chosen will fall away from you my little one. The old things are things that you have believed, the things that you have thought and the things that you have chosen. But these are no longer part of you my little one. They are falling away and soon they will be gone completely. I am making you new my little one. The new growth is there though it cannot yet be seen. The new forces the old to fall away my little one and soon the new will be all that there is. You will be free of the old things my little one and the new things will grow and will flourish for all to see.

I am not sure what that will be like Jesus, but I think it will be better.

Yes my little one it will be much better. My little one the thing that has changed in you is that you have chosen to let go of the old. Even though it was dead and of no use still you were unwilling to let it go because you were afraid of what would be revealed. You are no longer afraid my little one. The new will be revealed because you have chosen the way of life. The old ways of thinking and being are of no use to you my little one. You cannot take them with you into your new life. They would only hinder you and prevent you from growing in the way that I desire.

Yes... I think I see... but they aren't gone yet.

No my little one but they soon will be. As you continue to grow the old things will fall away. There is nothing holding them now my little one. They will soon be gone. Do not fear the new my little one. It is good.

I think... it helps to see Jesus because I see how... dead and ugly the old things are and I want them gone because how can the new things be seen or grow when all that stuff is still there. Please help it go.

Yes my little one all of the old things will soon be gone. As you cling to me and allow me work they will go my little one. It will come just as everything that I have promised to you will come.

I suppose... I will look very different.

Yes my little one you will.

And that might... maybe it will be strange.

Yes my little one it will but you have already had so many changes to adjust to. This is just one more.

More... becoming. I suppose that is what it has all been like peeling off layers.

Yes my little one but now is the time for you to begin to be revealed for all that you truly are. No more hiding my little one. No more lies. No more despair or darkness. You are my child and you will be seen as such by those who have eyes to see.

A new way of living and being.

Yes my little one. Completely.

No matter how bad the things of the past made me feel about me Jesus kept on loving me and showing me that he didn't think of me that way. That he sees me a precious and lovely. He healed me in different ways. Some were less painful and more wonderful.

I was wrapped up in Jesus arms again and the Holy Spirit came, and it was like I could see black strands wrapped around me being cut. Then the Holy Spirit took me to the cellar place, and he lifted up a floorboard and there was a hole. We got in the hole together and he dug, and he found a golden crown that was made up of tiny leaves. It was very lovely. He said it was mine and I had buried it a long time ago. He said it was my desire for life and he wanted me to take it back. I was crying and crying Mr. Mike. I wasn't sure I wanted it back. It felt like a big struggle. But I knew he wanted me to have it so I said yes and he put it on my head. He said that there was no more place for death, and he told it to go. I saw it like a black shape and angels came and took it away, but it still felt like a big struggle and I was crying and crying. Then I curled up in Jesus arms wrapped up in my fur blanket and felt peaceful but so tired. I am so tired Mr. Mike. I think it is hard for me to think about what is happening. I think there is a lot of bad stuff going and that is good, but it is hard to think about.

Later on, I realized that what I had buried was the crown of life and that the leaves that make it up are from the tree of life that are for healing. I thought that was very cool.

I kept on writing my story but there was still more for me to see and understand. Things that would be even harder for me to accept.

While I was writing down the past things, the things that I had remembered, two things were happening. Jesus was showing me new things, things that filled in the gaps that I had in my memories and what I understood about them. While he was doing that something else happened. It was like the things that I already knew, things we had remembered and cried about even... they all came together kind of all of a sudden and I saw and understood what I hadn't before... not really.

When I had that last memory, it was a strange thing that happened. It was like what I had before was a dot to dot picture and all the things I remembered were the dots and I could kind of see the picture they made but not clear. But then when I remembered that one it was like all the dots were suddenly joined up and I could see the picture that they make and understand it more than I ever have. It wasn't that I really found out anything new just that I saw the whole thing clear.

What I saw was terrifying to me. I saw me, a little girl growing up into a teenager. I saw me learning to do terrible things. I saw me as part of the cult like I wasn't an unwilling victim, but I had taken part in it all. I had belonged and had my own jobs. I had hurt and killed. I had given up my own babies to be sacrificed. I had cut up bodies, eaten their parts, drank their blood. I had given myself willingly to Satan and I had enjoyed it. That is what I saw. Like it all suddenly made sense to me. The terrifying and terrible truth that I had been one of them.

I knew already about Susanna and that she had been part of the cult and done very bad things even though I didn't know exactly what. And I knew that Hilda had the job of collecting blood in the special cup. I knew these things for a long time, and they were terrible to me. I knew that grandad had taught me to do bad things. One of the very first things we remembered was from when we were small, maybe about three.

Grandad and uncle John took me out on their own. It was in the woods at night. They made fire. They had a baby. It was dead already, I think. They dressed me in a sack I suppose so I didn't get messy. Grandad had a long steel rod with a sharp end. He put my hand on it and made me push it into the baby's eye. Then we cut it open and took out its insides. He put those on the fire and nailed the baby's body on to a little cross. Uncle john was very excited to do it with me so grandad said he could. He said now I did those things I was one of them.

I knew that I had helped with the babies when they were put on the crosses and that I had helped to cook them on the fires and to hand out their parts. But now I was remembering even more. Things that I didn't want to believe but that still fitted and make sense with the other things I already knew.

I must have been about 6. I was barefoot in the rest of the memory. I saw that I was dressed in black. A loose-fitting dress which seemed to be made out of some kind of lacy netting and a veil. Completely black. I could see that there were strange symbols written up my arms, also in black, because the sleeves only went to my elbows. I was outside. It wasn’t very clear, mostly I seemed to be focusing on my dress. I was aware of the Goatman behind me. He came and laid a baby on what looked like a stone alter in front of me. I think that may have had the same symbols written on it. I’m not sure. I know that I killed the child with a large knife but I’m not sure how. It was a blur. The Goatman took its body to the fire where it was put on a metal spit and left to cook. They stripped my dress off so that I was naked. I saw that my entire body was covered in the black symbols and they laid me down on the alter. I was terrified they were going to kill me and cook me too, but they just had sex with me, so many of them. Again, it’s blur. Afterwards they took the baby from the fire and pulled its body apart. They split its skull to get the brain out and they gave me the heart and made me eat it…

I knew that I had helped when a girl had tried to escape.

I was older maybe about ten I don't know. She was called Margaret and she had curly red hair. Maybe she was about fourteen or fifteen. I think she had been trying to run away or something. They put her in the lake and kept drowning her until she was quiet and stopped fighting and then they laid her on the ground.

She didn't move she just laid there, and they put a knife between her legs but really deep and collected her blood. And they drank while she died, and I was there helping and when she died, I think they cut her up into bits and buried her, but I didn't see that.

I knew that Barbara had been training me and preparing me because Jesus had told me and showed me in lots of ways that was true. I knew that when we were older like about fifteen or sixteen that men would come to our house at night and do it to us. And I knew that we had babies that were killed.

There were two babies I remember. The first one was born in the graveyard where the bad things happened. I don't know how that happened. I suppose they made it come early it was very tiny. It was nighttime so there was nobody about and I don't remember who it was, but they took the baby, maybe it was already dead I don't know... and threw it in a hole and buried it. The second one was born in a house and I was in a bed...I don't know where. The baby was very small again, but it was alive. They drowned it in front of me in a bowl of water. I don't know what happened to it after that. I think the first one was a boy and the second one was a girl.

Seeing and knowing these things had been terrible but now I was understanding them too and that was different. It was much worse. Like the truth had suddenly got to my heart or maybe that I couldn't keep it out anymore. I understood now that those men who came to our house were making babies for the cult. I understood that those babies were killed or sacrificed. I understood that I was a part of it. They used me to make babies for their rituals. They took them away from me and killed them.

I was trying to go back to sleep but then the memory came. It was jumbled but I have enough bits to know what happened. At the beginning I was cold and wet. I think maybe I was wearing some kind of white dress, but I was very wet. There was like a lake near so maybe I had been in there. I was laid on the ground not far away from the lake. I was having a baby. It was a different one, not one I knew about before. It came out grey. Maybe it was already dead I don’t know. I think there was a ritual going on because the Goatman was there. There were lots of people there. He held the baby by its feet up high and then swung it down, so its head hit a rock. That is the part I keep seeing. Then there was something maybe about the afterbirth...maybe it got eaten I don’t know and then there was a lot of having sex with me.

I understood that it was my job to cut up the bodies of the babies and sometimes of older ones that they killed. That was my job like I was some kind of butcher. I had been trained to do it. And now I was learning more. I was remembering more. It helped me to understand, it connected things up, but it made it much, much more real.

I remembered being stood in front of a flat stone. It was dark. I was wearing one of the red robes. Others had laid the body of a girl, maybe a teenager not a little girl on the stone in front of me. I was the one who cut her open. I took out her intestines and her heart and gave them to children who took them away. It is very hard for me to believe these things are true. I saw me with a big knife... like I had been taught how to use it... and I cut through her neck, so her head came off and I did the same with her arms. The arms were taken away, but I pulled out one of her teeth and put in a bowl with her blood. Maybe I ground it up I am not sure. Then I took it to the Goatman who was waiting in front of a crowd. It was a ceremony. The Goatman drank and then I did and then he did it to me on the stone alter. I was bare under my robe like he was. I seemed to be enjoying it. I knew that the reason for this was to make a baby... I don't understand it really. Then I remembered again, and I suppose this was months later because I was on the same stone and I had had a baby and the Goatman was holding it up. It still had the cord on and was kind of bloody. It was a little boy... he was very little. I was taken off the alter and the Goatman said some words and put down the baby on the stone. His name was Peter. I don't know who gave him that name. He put the knife in Peter’s heart. They didn't do bad things to him like cut him up or put him on the fire. They made a little grave and laid him in it. He was special because he was my firstborn.

And I understood that I had given myself to Satan over and over in my words and in the things that I did. That was so terrible to me. That I could choose to belong to Satan.

I was walking into a lake. I just had a robe on but nothing underneath. I don't know how old I was... maybe fourteen? I went into the lake and they held me under like I was drowning but I had the feeling that I was willing for them to do it. I wasn't fighting it. Then when I came back the Goatman was there... I think maybe there were a lot of others, but I was looking at him. He gave me the knife...the one with the four blades and I made a cut on my arm and let the blood run into a bowl. I gave it to the Goatman, and I said to him I give you my life. Then I was laid on the stone and he was doing it to me, and he kept asking do you give yourself to me and each time I said yes, I give myself to you. I think maybe he said it three times. Then I saw something, but I am not sure if this was in the memory or it was a spirit thing. I had manacles round my wrists that were joined by chains to manacles on the Goatman. The chains were broken...I saw them broken and Jesus said to me over and over he has no hold on you. I cried so much Mr. Mike. There is so much pain. It breaks my heart to think I did things like that. I know that Jesus has forgiven me if I needed forgiving, but I know it must have broken his heart.

The horror and the terrible truth of the past was overwhelming. I didn't know how I could ever recover from this. I didn't see that I should. I should be punished because I was one of the bad people. I was one of them. I had gone back to the chat group a few months ago but I couldn't face them now. I thought I was too bad and not worth saving. Mike helped me a lot because he didn't see me as bad. He didn't go away. And Jesus didn't let go of me. He wanted me to know the truth of what had happened, of what my life had been, but I wasn't seeing it like he did. I wasn't seeing me like he does. He had a lot more to show to me.

My little one everything that you are is held safe in my arms of love. My little one there is nothing that can overcome my love for you. All the things that you see and feel they cannot come between us. My little one as you hold on to me I will bring you through this time. I will help you my little one and though this time ahead of you will be painful I will work a great healing. My little one there is nothing that you are that I am ashamed of. You are my beloved daughter and I have gladly paid the price for you. My little one though the enemy has done so many things to bring you death I will bring you life my little one and through your life to others. I know my little one that you do not fully understand, and you are full of pain but my little one nothing is changed. You are mine my little one. You are my precious and beloved child, and nothing can ever change that. My little one the things of the past will be healed, and they will be redeemed. You will be restored and made whole my little one and though the past will not be changed you will see it in a new way for I will show you many things you have not understood about who I am and about who you are also. My dearest one the past will not ever be changed but you are changed. You are made new my little one and as you understand and accept all that has been I will help you to walk forward into all that will be. My dearest one your past cannot prevent you from becoming everything that I created you to be. It cannot prevent any one of my promises coming to pass. My dearest one I will help you to understand your part in the things of the past and to accept and to grieve for a life that has been so full of pain and fear but the life I have for you will not be that way my little one. The past has been full of death but the future I have for you is full of life.

Now I knew the truth and it made sense, but it was so terrible. It made me feel like I was some kind of monster for doing those things. I thought I should be locked away forever because I was a murderer and worse.

I am having a lot of trouble and not wanting to believe it at all even though it makes a kind of sense when I think about other things I have remembered. Jesus says there is still a lot I don't know... in that gap I have. I suppose it makes sense that it wasn't just those men coming to the house, but I haven't wanted to believe it. I don't know if I do. It is so terrible I don't want to. I am not sure what is hurting the most. Losing another baby in such a horrible way or seeing the person I was and the things I did. How could I be that person who did those things. I know it was alters, but I get confused. If it happened to me does that mean I did those thing... or they did, or we did. Jesus says everything I ever did bad has been forgiven so maybe it doesn't matter but somehow it does. It does matter. Knowing what people did to me and believing that has been hard but this is worse. It is so much worse. Jesus has been holding me and telling me that I am still his child and that nothing is different. I know it all fits. I remember doing a lot of bad things. I haven't forgotten about Susanna either. Maybe she was the one on the outside. I don't know.