Turning Your Scars Into Stars: A Journey from Mourning to Joy

By Sue Hamby, PhD

The death of a child at any age, shatters the parent's heart and causes a complicated grief which never goes away. Dr. Sue Hamby found the murdered body of her only child, Russ, on March 21, 2013, and started on a difficult and painful grief journey. She realized she would never get over the death of her child but had to learn to absorb the loss into her life until it became a part of who she was. Because of her faith in God, her mourning was eventually transformed into joy and her scars became stars. In her book, she touches the depths of your heart and soul by sharing her traumatic grief journey and how her painful scars of grief, bitterness, and brokenness were turned into stars for God's glory. Her story offers hope and healing to those who are struggling with grief and learning how to navigate the grief journey, using God as their GPS. "I have read Dr. Sue Hamby's Turning Your Scars into Stars in one sitting. I couldn't put it down once I started reading the book. This semi-autobiographical narration by Dr. Hamby is a must read for all people, especially people who think that they are alone, depressed, hopeless and helpless." Girija S. Chintapalli, MD Retired Psychiatrist "Her story of how the LORD changed her life through that God-breathed message is a must read for anyone who has lost a loved one." Dan Kirkley, President Hope for the Hungry "Turning Your Scars into Stars is spiritually inspiring and full of truth. It is very well written in such a manner that will not only appeal to multiple victims of tragedies but a wide generational audience. " Michael K. Sweeney, Director of Investigations and Law Enforcement Development INTERNATIONAL JUSTICE MISSION (IJM)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 19, 2017
• ISBN: 9781640796768

Book preview

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Turning Your

Scars into Stars

A Journey from Mourning to Joy

You are my refuge and my shield;

your word is my source of hope.

—Psalm 119:114

Sue Hamby, Ph.D.

ISBN 978-1-64079-675-1 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64079-676-8 (Digital)

Copyright © 2017 by Sue Hamby, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

296 Chestnut Street

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Endorsements

"I found your book Turning Your Scars into Stars spiritually inspiring and full of truth. It is very well written and written in such a manner that will not only appeal to multiple victims of tragedies but a wide generational audience. Your works of healing and guidance in your book, will echo through eternity, easing and directing the loss and pain of others to the only true compassion and understanding of Jesus."

—Michael K. Sweeney, Director of Investigations and Law Enforcement Development,

International Justice Mission

"I have read Dr. Sue Hamby’s Turning your Scars into Stars in one sitting. I couldn’t put it down once I started reading the book. It is a gut-wrenching narration of a mother’s bleeding heart over the brutal murder of her only son...and how she has turned that sorrow into utter surrender of her body and soul to the Almighty and found peace in providing service to others who are in the same plight. This semi-autobiographical narration by Dr. Hamby is a must read for all people [especially people who think that they are alone, depressed, hopeless and helpless.] Sue Hamby’s book shows them a beautiful, illuminated path to self-fulfillment and contentment in serving others."

—Girija S. Chintapalli, MD

Retired Psychiatrist

"Reading Sue Hamby’s Book Turning Your Scars into Stars is a good read and will help many through a process of grief by leading them into the arms of a loving Savior Jesus, the Son of God. I recommend and endorse this book for it is truly a path for righteousness, hope and faith through suffering and trials."

—Pastor Sammie Haynes Sr.

Church of the Living God, McGregor, Texas

"If you struggle to trust the God who has allowed your journey to have heart-wrenching pain, this book is for you. After the tragic loss of her only child, Sue Hamby describes an amazing story of redemption in Turning Your Scars Into Stars. Your every emotion will be stirred by this tragedy, but you will find hope and healing as Sue points us to something greater…the power of an eternal perspective. No matter what hurt or trauma you have experienced, you will find that brokenness can be a blessing in disguise when we allow God to use it to conform us to His image."

—Bev DeSalvo

Author of Return to Joy

There is never a happy ending when a parent loses a child. And, for Sue Hamby, who discovered the body of her murdered son, the devastation might have been never ending. But a message from the Holy Spirit created and magnified in her an abiding compassion for others with a similar loss: Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. James 1:2 (NASB). Her story of how the LORD changed her life through that God-breathed message, is a must read for anyone who has lost a loved one.

—Dan Kirkley

Hope for the Hungry

President

"We all wade through grief at times in our lives but few of us are able to put that process to pen and paper so that it makes sense and actually helps. Dr. Sue does a superb job of walking along with you in the journey through loss through this very well written and readable book, Turning Scars into Stars. She is down to earth, real, and extremely open, just read on, you’ll see."

—Dorris Fortson

Author of Phillip Flies Home

Dedicated to

Russ, my beloved son,

who now lives with his Heavenly Father.

My Heavenly Father,

who has kept me from drowning in the sea of grief

and has given me joy.

Sue Hamby, PhD

Russ Hamby

August 15, 1962–March 23, 2013

Introduction

Life is a challenge and the older we become, the more challenges we encounter. But one challenge we will all face, regardless of our age, our position in life, or our education, is the challenge of losing a loved one. We don’t like to think about it but know at some point, we are going to lose our parents through old age or illness, but no one expects to lose one’s child. As parents, we expect our children are going to have to bury us, and we never think about the fact our children might die before us, as we assume we will be the first ones to leave this earth. We want to protect our children, but sometimes we can’t. God may have a different plan for our loved ones than the one we have in place, so we need to be prepared. I say that knowing that we can never be completely prepared, but there are some things we can do to help us through the dark times.

March 21, 2013, started off as any other ordinary sunny day. Little did I know when I woke up that morning, it was going to turn into the darkest day of my life and start me on a grief journey, a journey I will never forget. It was my 9/11 day, so I know exactly how the families of those who lost loved ones in the Twin Towers tragedy must have felt. In looking back, it is almost frightening to think about how a normal day can turn into a nightmare and how in just one moment your life can be changed forever. As I woke up that morning, I thought about all the things I needed to do that day, and now I realize none of them mattered. As a matter of fact, I can’t even remember what was on my list that day. My world was about to fall apart, and I was beginning to start on a journey on a road filled with suffering and agony.

Finding your child murdered is a nightmare that is difficult to describe, as the horror is so painful it is almost impossible to explain. It engraved an image on my heart and my mind, which will remain with me until I die. Losing Russ literally ripped my heart out of my body, leaving me unsure of my own identity. Am I still a mother if my only child is dead? What do I say when people ask me if I have any children? A loved one’s murder changes your life and your identity irrevocably as your life will never be the same. Part of me died that day, and now that part is missing. For me, it has been especially complicated because the murderer has never been found, so there is no closure, which makes it even more difficult and painful. Each time a friend or acquaintance asks if there is anything new in the murder investigation, wounds are opened again and the pain starts over.

Even though it has been over three years, it seems like it was just yesterday. When you have a tragedy in your life, there will be days when you wake up and ask yourself if you just had a bad dream or a nightmare. But unfortunately, it is reality. Your loved one is gone, and you are left with questions such as why this tragic event happened. When we experience a tragedy, we often have questions about why God allows things to happen in our lives. I now realize that brokenness can become blessings in disguise. The motivation behind everything that God does or allows to happen in our lives is love. I also realize that God broke me for His purpose of serving Him and reaching my potential as a servant of the Lord.

The murder wounded me so much that almost immediately, scars started developing in my mind and my heart. I developed a heart condition called brokenness that couldn’t be diagnosed by a cardiologist or healed by a human. The good news is, I am now under the loving care of the Great Physician, Lord Jesus Christ, and healing is taking place. I know that I will never get over this tragedy in my life, but I will get past it. I am so thankful God is allowing me to use it to hopefully help others and, most of all, to glorify Him. I have learned if you trust God, you will find the victory behind God’s promises. I have learned many things, but the greatest lesson I have learned is that suffering is God’s most effective tool to conform us to His image.

My hope and prayer is this book will help you turn your painful internal scars into heavenly external stars which will allow you to live a more meaningful life and have a closer more intimate relationship with the Lord. I wanted to share my life-changing experiences and insights into the ways of God so that it could not only glorify Him but also help others experience the true joy that only He can offer. I have dedicated this book to my son, Russ Hamby, who is gone but not forgotten. When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a wonderful treasure. It is also dedicated to Lord Jesus Christ, because without Him, life would be unbearable.

My intent in writing the book was to be transparent in my feelings and to share my thoughts and my pain so hopefully it will help others on their grief journey. I want you to know that regardless how difficult your trials are, you can overcome them with the Lord Jesus Christ, as He will carry you through the storms of life and give you the strength you need. It is my hope as you read the chapters in this book, you will have better insights into God’s ways and be able to see how it applies to you and how you can apply the information to your life. I have included two questions at the end of each chapter as well as a prayer and additional scripture for encouragement.

Writing this book has been difficult and painful but healing. Telling my story has not only helped me in mastering my emotions but also helped me move forward in this difficult journey. Maya Angelou once said, There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you. It is written from my heart and based on my own personal experiences with scars. Since scars can keep you from experiencing the true joy of the Lord, it is my prayer you will learn to turn your scars into stars so you can glorify the Lord.

As an ongoing survivor of grief, this book is about my journey and how God has helped me through the most difficult chapter of my life. I have learned joy through the tears of sorrow because of the love of the Lord Jesus Christ. He has opened my spiritual eyes to a new perspective on suffering and helped me realize God’s hope is infinite. As my lifejacket in the storms of life, He has rescued me from the seas of sorrow and the rivers of despair. The good news is, He will also carry you through your trials, providing you turn your life over to Him.

I still have days in which I feel like I am drowning in the sea of grief, but I remind myself God is my anchor in life and is always with me. I am learning to rest in His love, draw on His strength, and trust in His promises. He loves us so much and will give us the strength, encouragement, and grace we need if we trust Him. My goal has been to finish the race and complete the task God has given me, the task of sharing the gospel and testifying God’s grace. Because of Him, I can make it through today and have hope for tomorrow. The scar of seeing Russ murdered on the sofa is frozen in my mind and will probably be there until I die, but I know his pain is over and he is with His Heavenly Father. Healing is taking place as my scars are becoming stars for His glory and we all know that in darkness, stars shine the brightest. I have not had to travel this journey alone, as the Lord has been with me every step of the way. This journey has been extremely difficult, as the road has been arduous and the path has been lonely, but God has paved it with His love and His grace, so It Is Well with My Soul. God bless.

Sue Hamby, PhD

Russ’s Mom Forever

Temple, Texas

Chapter 1

The Grief Journey Begins

One of the most difficult things we all must accept in life is losing a loved one, and it is even more traumatic if it is the result of violence. There is no time to say good-bye or tell the person how much you love them. Because our time on earth is limited, death is something we will all face at one time or another. Regardless if the death comes suddenly or if we have several months or even years to prepare, we are never ready for it. We assume since we are older, we will die before our children, but that isn’t always the case.

At age seventy-four, I had to face the most traumatic event in my life when my only child was murdered. Even though he was fifty years old, as a mother, I still thought of him as a child. To make it even more traumatic, I was the one who found his body. Regardless of what experiences we have in life, nothing could have ever prepared me for this devastating event. The image of my murdered son created a scar in my heart and mind which is hard to describe and will probably remain with me forever. The impact of Russ’s murder has affected me emotionally, psychologically, physically, intellectually, and spiritually and has changed my life forever.

March 21, 2013, started out as a regular sunny day but turned into a day of darkness that I shall never forget. I had been busy doing my regular activities when my business called and told me that my son Russ had not reported to work. Russ not only worked for me but was also an important part of my business, as he had designed and built the strip mall in which my business was located. Since Russ was one of those individuals who frequently ran late, I really was not worried. I asked my staff if they had called his cell phone, which they stated they had done but it went to his voice mail. I told them to have him call me when he came in, as I was going to fuss at him over being late.

Approximately two hours later, I contacted my business to see if he had come to work, which he hadn’t. At this point, I was more annoyed than concerned and called his cell phone and left a voice message. After waiting another hour, I decided to drive out to his farm to see what the problem was. On the way, out, I suddenly had a bad feeling of something being wrong, and I began to pray the Lord would give me strength and help me handle whatever situation I was about to find. I then convinced myself to stop the stinking thinking and not worry.

By the time I arrived at the ranch, I felt somewhat better, as his truck was in the driveway. As I knocked on the patio door, it opened, although it appeared closed. My son was lying on the sofa across the room, and I thought he was sleeping, so I called out his name, hoping I could wake him. When he didn’t move, I grabbed his arm, and real fear came over me. His arm was cold and stiff, and it became obvious, he was dead. I frantically tried to find a pulse but then came to the realization he had been dead for several hours. It was at that point I saw blood splattered on the wall and on Russ, and my heart seemed to stop. Darkness suddenly filled the room even though it was only four thirty in the afternoon. The floor seemed to open, and I felt like I was falling into a dark pit of despair. Darkness seemed to overwhelm me. Death casts a darkness over us because we are entirely helpless in its presence. You can’t struggle with death as your strength and courage are gone in its presence.

I thought of how Joseph must have felt when his brothers threw him into a pit and how Jonah must have felt when he was swallowed by a fish. There was a darkness that was indescribable, and I felt completely helpless. The Bible tells us, Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the stomach of the fish and he said, ‘I cried out to the Lord in my great trouble, and He answered me. I called to you from the world of the dead, and Lord, you heard me’ (Jonah 2:1–2). At that time, I was also in the world of the dead and felt completely helpless. At that point, I also thought of Mary, mother of Jesus, and the pain she must have felt when her son was crucified.

Suddenly, I became very frightened as the thought occurred to me the person who killed Russ might still be in the house. The room seemed full of evil, and I felt cold, even though it was warm outside. I also felt like someone had taken a knife and stuck it into my heart and then twisted it. I have never had such a feeling of helplessness. I understood what King David felt in Psalms 18:4 when he said, The sorrows of death compassed me. That moment is engraved in my mind, never to be forgotten. I felt like every page in my book of life has been torn out.

Wanting to scream out in anguish and fear, I cried out to the Lord and began praying. Then I started reciting Psalm 23:4, Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Immediately, I felt the presence of the Lord. Jesus, the Lord of Light, led me out of the darkness and reassured me of His presence. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along (Psalm 40:2).

Jesus seemed to light my path as I backed out of the room. I backed out, knowing I would never see my loved one again in this life. I can’t tell you how painful it was. I wanted to go back in and hug him one last time, but I knew I had to call the police. I am so thankful I have a close relationship with the Lord, as He was with me in my darkest moment. I am also thankful I had hidden God’s word in my heart for my time of need. I have always loved the psalms, as they are the ones that come into my mind when I need help. When we reach the end of our rope, we must call upon the Lord, for our weaknesses are times for His strength and our crises are His opportunities.

The presence of God allowed me to remain calm, although I was crying uncontrollably. Once I reach the patio, I called 911 and reported my son had been murdered. Before the police came, I was sitting on the porch by myself, but I did not feel alone, as I felt the presence of the Lord. I was sobbing as my world had just collapsed and a pity party was under way as questions such as What am I going to do? Who do I need to call? Where do I start? began to occupy my mind. I had plummeted into a mental state unlike any other experienced before or since. I also kept asking God why Russ had to be taken rather than myself since I was in my seventies. I felt like David in 2 Samuel 18:33 when he was weeping and said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I have died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son? Russ was my Absalom, and I would have willingly given my life up for him.

Suddenly, a spiritual serenity came over me as I thought about Psalm 46:1–2, which says God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So, we will not fear. God was telling me to depend upon Him for divine dependence and that He would be my strength and my refuge. Because I have complete trust in the Lord, I immediately realized the situation was completely out of my hands and my ability. I had the assurance of God’s presence and felt He was not only protecting me but was also strengthening me so I could deal with this tragic situation.

It seemed like a long time before the police arrived as I sat on the porch by myself. I did manage to make two calls in between my sobbing, one to my husband in Indiana and one to my granddaughter in Temple. When the police arrived, they asked me if I was by myself, and I replied, No, the Lord is with me. The policeman had a very puzzling expression on his face, and I wondered what he was thinking. Those who do not know the Lord don’t understand the presence of the Lord. As Christians, we don’t have to pray for the Lord to be with us in times of crisis, as He is already with us. Instead, we need to pray we might recognize His presence and then depend upon Him.

In between the intrusive questioning by the police, I kept praying to the Lord for strength, as I knew I was completely helpless. It is interesting many people perceive me as a very strong individual, yet I am weak physically, as I can’t even open a bottle of water without help. Emotionally, at that time, my tank was on empty but spiritually, my cup runneth over and I felt the strength of the Lord. One of the things I thought about during this time was, how do people who don’t know the Lord handle these types of situations. I