Colored Water: Marriage, Involuntary Divorce, the Law, and God

By J.D. M.B.A. Phillips

“Marriage is pure-pure as water, colorless water. The goal is… to keep the marriage pure and colorless, not to muddy the colorless water… with lies, bitterness, resentment…”

Combining legal expertise and a Christian viewpoint, author Solon Philips argues the case that he calls “involuntary di

• Language: English
• Publisher: TOPLINK PUBLISHING, LLC
• Release date: Sep 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781947938595

J.D. M.B.A. Phillips

Solon Phillips, J.D., M.B.A., is a socio-religious analyst and award-winning author whose work has been included in legal treatises and law review articles. He writes, speaks, and teaches extensively on socio-religious legal issues, focusing his attention on relationships and family matters, including dating, marriage, and divorce. He also enjoys storytelling and is an acclaimed playwright-director whose works have been featured in DC Metro Theater Arts. Solon is the proud father of two and enjoys running, weight-lifting, and the outdoors in his free time.

Book preview

Colored Water

Marriage, Involuntary Divorce,

the Law, and God

Solon Phillips, J.D., M.B.A.

Copyright © 2017 by Solon Phillips, J.D., M.B.A.

Hardback: 978-1-948262-43-9

Paperback: 978-1-947938-58-8

eBook: 978-1-947938-59-5

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

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Contents

Preface

Chapter 1: Love and Marriage

Chapter 2: Involuntary Divorce and Spousal Abandonment: Worse Than Death

Chapter 3: What Exactly Is Marriage Anyway? A Contract or aCovenant?

Chapter 4: What Is God’s Take?

Chapter 5: Should Pastors and Churches Play a Role?

Chapter 6: Should the Government Play a Role?

Chapter 7: But Why? The Reason Why Spouses Abandon

Chapter 8: Devils, Witches, Warlocks, Love Spells,

Voodoos, and Hoodoos

Chapter 9: God’s Will vs. Man’s Will

Chapter 10: Coping: Therapists and Counselors

Chapter 11: Preventive Methods

Endnotes

Preface

Divorce stings. Especially when it is unwanted. Especially when you fight against it and lose. Yes, some spouses may welcome divorce. But for every spouse who welcomes divorce there is a spouse who loathes it.

And seldom do spouses talk about their losing battle to save their marriage. No one wants to talk about that. Some lie and say the divorce was amicable. Others talk about how bad the divorcing spouse was and how happy they are now that they are divorced. Others choose to say nothing, opting to suffer in silence.

It is assumed that most divorces are painful, but how painful? What actually goes on in the mind of a spouse who is forced to oblige a divorce? What happens to them psychologically, physiologically, spiritually, and mentally? And why? If there are severe effects on a person who is on the receiving end of a divorce he or she did not want, that is, involuntarily divorced, why is that? What is it about love and marriage that makes divorce so patently damaging—so much so that people refuse to openly discuss it?

Colored Water addresses the questions that divorced spouses want to know. Why did my spouse leave me? Why did he divorce me? What could I have done to prevent it? Was there anything I could have done to prevent it? What does God say about divorce? When is it okay to divorce or spouse? Is it ever okay to divorce your spouse? What does my government do for divorced spouses? What should they do? Did demons influence my spouse to divorce me? Did the devil make him do it? Is the devil real? Are demons even real? What is a psychic and can they help prevent my spouse from divorcing me, or can they help me bring my spouse back? How can I divorce-proof my marriage? I want to remain married to my spouse so badly. Can a therapist or counselor help save my marriage?

Colored Water is a book about a compartment of life that all members of society experience at some point in their lives. This book provides information that touches and concerns all people in all walks of life, in every country, in one way or another. This book is about human beings and human feelings. This book covers the most fundamental aspect of all mankind—marriage. Quite frankly, this book may very well be one of the most important books you ever read.

Each chapter is a book in and of itself. Each is a uniquely filled with information that will equip the reader with knowledge and insight into a variety of topics, but all topics deal with relationships and marriage and, to a greater extent, God.

Colored Water is not a how-to book. It is not a self-help book. This book is more like a treatise, an encyclopedia, if you will, a collection of factual data on the topics of love, marriage, divorce, the law, and, yes, even God. If not married, the reader will walk away better prepared for marriage. If married, the reader will walk away better prepared to deal with the inevitable issues that come with marriage. There is something in this book for everyone.

Colored Water is one of the most eclectic books you may ever read. The book comprises some of the most diverse topics in one book. Chapter 1, Love and Marriage expounds on love and marriage and defines marriage and divorce in a unique way. This chapter has beautiful quotes on love from some of the most unexpected celebrities, such as Madonna and even Dr. Seuss. Chapter 1 also provides information on many of the world’s well-known marriage counselors, such as Dr. Chapman and Dr. Phil. Lastly, this chapter provides an explanation on why the topics of love, marriage, and divorce are so complex and difficult to understand.

Chapter 2, Spousal Abandonment—Worse Than Death, answers the following question: is divorce worse than death? Death is bad. Divorce is bad. The two are the same in many aspects but are treated totally differently. Should widows be treated similar to divorcees? Scientists are just now discovering the full ramifications of spousal abandonment and involuntary divorce. In this chapter, one will read about the biological and physiological changes that happen when a spouse abandons the other spouse. Death is bad. But is divorce worse? Prepare to be amazed.

Chapter 3, Contract or Covenant? addresses the question of whether marriage is a contract or a covenant. Many hold that marriage is a legal contract between a man and a woman, or, more specifically, between two persons. Others, mainly Christians, hold that marriage is an unbreakable covenant between husband, wife, and God. This is a legal chapter and legally explains the elements of a contract. It defines the term covenant as defined biblically. In the end, readers will be provided an answer to this age-old question—Is marriage a covenant or a contract?

Chapter 4, What Is God’s Take on Marriage and Divorce?, provides objective biblical insight to how God views marriage and divorce. This chapter is not based on any theological or religious interpretation of scripture but rather provides objective facts and supporting scriptures to reach a reasonable conclusion on God’s take on marriage and divorce. Any sincere Christian desiring to follow God’s command regarding marriage and divorce will thoroughly enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 5, What Role Should Pastors Play?, is a very interesting chapter that is directed toward all religious leaders. If you belong to a church, gift a copy of this book to your church leaders and strongly suggest they read this chapter. If you personally know of any pastors, please gift a copy of this book to them and recommend the same—that they read this chapter. This chapter also provides objective information for anyone desiring to know of the role pastors play in churches and other religious groups. More importantly, this chapter enlightens pastors and church leaders to an aspect of their calling that many may have not even knew existed.

Chapter 6, What Role Should Government Play?, deals with the legality of marriage and divorce and provides very insightful actions that the government may take to strengthen marriage and reduce divorce. This chapter can and should be directed to state legislators and government officials. If anyone personally knows any state legislators, gift a copy of this book to them and suggest this chapter. Think tanks wanting to make a change in society should read this chapter together, and then use your abilities to make change. Use this chapter as a springboard to facilitate the change that will lead to a stronger nation.

Chapter 7, But Why?, is a self-explanatory chapter and answers the following question: why do spouses abandon their homes? Did you know that every time a spouse abandons a home or unilaterally divorces his spouse, there is a reason? There are usually two reasons—the acceptable moral reason and the unacceptable immoral reason. One of these reasons is the true reason. This chapter discusses the reasons and offers explanations on why spouses divorce. This chapter also provides statistics to the kind of person who is more apt to abandon a spouse and marriage. By reading this chapter, you will be able to see the signs and potentially avoid marrying a person who will end up divorcing you.

Chapter 8, Devils, Witches, Warlocks, Spells, and Hoodoo, is an interesting chapter. It addresses questions, such as the following: Are demons real? Is the devil real? Do love spells really work? And if so, how? Broken people tend to go to great lengths to find answers and to rid the pain. This chapter deals with some of the things people do when suffering from a love wound and some of the things people offer to these uniquely broken individuals.

Chapter 9, God’s Will vs. Man’s Will, is a chapter that deals with the power of choice. Free will. Does man really have free will? If so, does God ever interfere with it? Many interesting questions come up when dealing with God’s omnipotence and the power of man’s will. Couple these with love and marriage and you have the recipe for an intriguing read.

Chapter 10, Healing: Therapists and Counselors, examines the roles of the many professionals in the mental health profession. Therapists and counselors play an important role in society, but should a spouse be advised on whether to remain married or divorce? And what exactly is the difference between a therapist and a counselor? Are there any professional therapists who deal solely with marital issues, and if so, what are they called? Spouses should be very careful on how they choose their therapist and who they allow to counsel them on their marriage. Very careful. This chapter should especially be read by everyone in the mental health profession, especially those who advise couples or individuals experiencing marital strife.

Chapter 11, Minimizing Involuntary Divorce, may very well be the most important chapter in the entire book. If you are not married but want to be married someday, read this chapter. This chapter is designed to help you prevent marrying a spouse who will end up abandoning you and divorcing you. This chapter outlines the clear signs to watch for when courting a potential mate and to help greatly reduce the chances of ever being on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce. Believe it or not, you can avoid experiencing the worst experience known to man. This chapter will help you.

Marriage is pure—pure as water, colorless water. The goal of every marriage is to keep the marriage pure and colorless, not to muddy the colorless water of marriage with lies, bitterness, resentment, hardness, and an unwillingness to forgive. This must be the goal of every marriage. What helps a spouse achieve this goal is information, guidance, knowledge, and careful intentional planning. These are some of the keys to a successful marriage.

Chapter 1: Love and Marriage

The highest happiness on earth is the happiness of marriage.

—William Lyon Phelps

Everyone loves. The meanest old man, the most cantankerous woman, the hardcore drug-dealing thug, the convict—they all love. People were born to love just as they were born to walk. When people fall in love they do it effortlessly. No one has to be taught how to fall in love. No one has to read a how-to book to learn how to love. It comes naturally. Every single person, in one way or another, loves.

True enough, it does not always seem like this. Some people seem to be incapable of loving. Some people seem to not know how to love. Some people are indeed cold and heartless. But even though the hate or indifference is seen or felt continuously, even the coldest of individuals love.

Sociopaths love. One writer on the subject of sociopathic love writes, Sociopaths can love with a selfish intensity that puts other love to shame. Their love is a devouring, consuming sort of love…sociopath sees your faults clearly and loves you still. Sociopaths love, according to experts, in a more intense way than normal folk. Sociopaths love deeply.

Psychopaths love. Psychopaths are characterized by diagnostic features such as superficial charm, poor judgment, high intelligence with the propensity to swindle, lack of remorse or shame, criminal versatility, and the incapacity for love. Yet psychopaths still actively love. Experts tell us that like healthy people, psychopaths love their parents, their spouse, their children or even their pets—in their own way. They have difficulty, however, in loving and trusting the rest of the world. Psychopaths may exhibit all sorts of distorted behavior, but make no mistakes about it; psychopaths love.

Everyone loves.

Love is the universal language. Who has not read a profound quote about love? Who has not written a profound quote on love? Quotes like, from William Purkey, Love like you’ll never be hurt. Or, this one by Pablo Neruda, I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way.

Even some of the most unlikely writers have written about love. Can you guess who gave us this quote on love: You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.? Answer: The famed American writer and cartoonist, Dr. Seuss.

A Chinese philosopher and poet once wrote, Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. I like that.

There seems to be some celebrity philosophers—or at least celebrities offering their philosophical views about love.

Reese Witherspoon, for example, said something quite eloquently beautiful. There is no bad consequence to loving fully, with all your heart. You always gain by giving love. It’s like that beautiful Shakespeare quote from Romeo and Juliet: ‘My bounty is as boundless as the sea. My love as deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have. For both are infinite.’ Who would have thought Reese to be such the Shakespearean?

Madonna said something most profound about love; To be brave is to love unconditionally without expecting anything in return. Wow! Loving without condition? Without expecting anything in return, Madonna? Is that even humanly possible? If so, bravery will most certainly be needed to accomplish such an amazing feat. Loving unconditionally says, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, I will always actively act in your best interest. I will never do you any harm. Even if you seek to do me harm. Even if you cause me actual harm, I will love you—no matter what. Brave indeed. Nice, Madonna.

Everyone loves. And it is this ubiquitous rara avis that has the world spinning!

Marriage

With love comes marriage—aye! Marriage. Marriage is perhaps the greatest expression of love. The vows and pledges that come with marriage promise unconditional love. True love, as expressed in true marriage, is one person voluntarily making the decision to unconditionally act in the best interest of another for as long as the two shall live. There are no conditions. No amount of sickness will cause one spouse to stop caring or acting in the best interest of the other spouse. No physical condition can become so bad as to cause the other spouse to refuse to act in the best interest of his or her spouse. In marriage, the two become inseparable—only death, and to some, not even death, ends the voluntary act of caring and loving. The purest manifestation of love is quite arguably seen in marriage.

And two people in love. Is there anything in this world more enticing, more romantic, more dramatic, more expressive than two people madly in love with each other? The things people do when in love. The things people say when in love. The commitments people make when in love.

‘I came, saw, and overcame: for your brother and my sister no sooner met, but they looked; no sooner looked, but they loved; no sooner knew the reason, but they sighed; no sooner did they sigh, but they asked one another the reason; no sooner did they know the reason, but they sought the remedy: and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage, which they will climb incontinent, or else be incontinent before marriage. They are in the very wrath of love, and they will together; clubs cannot part them’.¹

In the very wrath of love. Yes, love does indeed seem to have a wrathful side. Clubs cannot part them. This is to say that not even angry men with clubs can beat the two lovers apart.

(Shakespeare had a way with words.)

Love

Love is said to be one of the two most powerful forces in the universe (the other being fear). Everything we see is a result of love. Literally. Without love, things die. Plants die. Animals die. Humans die or else grow up into adults who kill and cause things to die. The absence of love is abnormal. The pursuit of love is fundamental. Love is universal to all living things. Perhaps this is why everyone loves. Everyone loves in order to facilitate life itself.

And with love comes marriage. Love and marriage go hand in hand. Again, marriage is the greatest expression of love. Two individuals marry one another to signify the highest commitment to one another. There is no commitment stronger than the marriage commitment. Love. Marriage. Ideally, marriage is the most perfect herald of love.

Marriage, then, must be the strongest bond between humans. It is only in the marriage bond that two become one. No other human bond can boast of such a feat. The two shall become one flesh is the mantra of many believers. In other religious sects, such as the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, it is believe that even after death the marriage relationship endures. Marriage is the crowning act of human love. Love that climaxes itself in marriage is pure, pure as colorless water.

Indeed, marriage is the apex of a love relationship. There is no greater bond between two people than in the marriage bond. The mother-daughter bond does not compare. The father-son bond falls short. Brother and sister, grandmother and grandchild, cousins, best friends or BFFs-aka best friends forever-they all do not measure up to the bond of a husband and wife. Why? Because there is no comparable physical intimacy in these other relationships. No other relationship forms two humans into one human. No other relationship can literally create life. Only the bond of a man and woman can do that. Blood is thicker than water but in marriage the two share the same blood. Indeed, the two share the same flesh.

Marriage Not For Everyone

It has been said that marriage is not for everyone. This is true. Marriage is not for everyone—only the mature, selfless, loyal, respectable, self-loving, forgiving man or woman who is intelligent enough to stick to the lifelong commitment. Not everyone should marry. Not everyone is qualified to marry.

Unfortunately, however, anyone can get married—give or take a few legal exceptions, i.e., legal age. The right to marry is a fundamental right in the United States, and the Supreme Court has defined marriage to include most everyone. And with the right to marry comes, at least in most countries, the right to end the marriage. And with this right comes a world of issues and inevitable problems.

And marriage problems are so confusing—so complex. How can two people vow to never leave each other only to later decide to leave each other? How can the one you love the most turn out to be the one you hate the most? How can you not stand the sights of a man who closely resembles in every way possible the sights of the son you now love and cherish? How can a man physically abuse his wife while at the same time fight to protect his daughter who would not be in existence were it not for his wife? Confusion. With marriage come bouts of irrational behavior. Love is merely a madness, says Shakespeare. Merely a madness indeed.

Why do so many marriages end? Why are there so few marriage professional therapists and counselors? Why are so many pastors confused and refuse to inject themselves into marital disputes? Why are the marriage counselors so confused themselves on marriage—giving contradicting pieces of advice and often contradicting themselves on how to handle and/or resolve marital conflict? Why?

What Do They Know?

Some marital counselors advice that love must be tough, while others seem to suggest love must be forgiving, gentle, and consistent. Some marriage counselors counsel that divorce should never be an option, while others look to the option of divorce quite quickly and readily. Some marriage counselors suggest that it only takes one to save a marriage while others suggest that there is no way possible to save a marriage with only one willing partner. The popular, yet contradicting advice on how to solve marital problems only make marital problems all the more complex.

And there may be good reason why there is so much confusion and contradicting marital advice coursing through mainstream media. The most popular mainstream marriage counselors writing books on marriage do not have any formal training or education in marriage. So the question may be asked, What do they know?

Take Dr. James Dobson. Dr. James Dobson is the critically acclaimed Christian counselor and founder of Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization that produces his own radio program, Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk. Dr. Dobson holds a Ph.D. in child development and served as an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine. He has written over 30 books and seems to be dedicated to the preservation of the family as indicated in his autobiography. Though he has written extensively on family topics, including marriage and child rearing, his training and education is in the area of pediatrics. He has earned no known degrees and has had no known specific training in the field of marital resolution or marital counseling. Dr. Dobson is not a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Dr. Dobson is, however, the author of the book, Love Must Be Tough, a self-help book that offers spouses the guidance that gives you the best chance of rekindling romance, renewing your relationship, and drawing your partner back into your arms. For some, the advice in his book seems to work for their marriages. The tough love approach offered by Dobson is not based on any specific training or scientific evidence, but rather, on an approach Dr. Dobson feels is based on his training as a pediatric counselor and his personal study of the Bible.

Just because Dr. Dobson has no certified training or holds no known professional degrees in marriage and family therapy does not disqualify him from writing on marriage or giving advice to hurting spouses. He has that right. And, according to many, his advice has helped their marriage. Dr. Dobson is now one of the most well-known and respected voices on marital issues in the world.

But there are critics of Dobson’s counsel and advice on marriage resolution. One such critic says that Dr. Dobson’s tough love approach is neither grounded in Scripture nor good psychology. The fact that Dr. Dobson counsels spouses that this book is intended for your eyes only and to not ask your partner to read it with you is, to some, questionable at best and down-right destructive, at worst. Others take issue with Dobson’s advice to create a crisis to bring things to a boiling point. Critics argue that this fabricated crisis has no place in an honest marriage built on honesty and even if one spouse is not being honest, joining in on the dishonesty is not the way.

Even still, more people than not find Dr. Dobson to be a legitimate voice in the world of marital counselors and many people find his books on marital strife to be beneficial. If not, he would have had a difficult time selling millions of books and developing millions of followers world-wide.

But there are others who differ from Dr. Dobson in their method of counseling.

Gary Chapman, one of the most well-known American relationship counselors, offers much advice on marital problems. Chapman is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc., and has a radio program on marriage, A Growing Marriage, that airs over 100 radio stations and the Internet. Chapman is most well known for his books. He has written a series of best-selling books with the title, The Five Love Languages. These books promise the reader to discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships and marriages worldwide.

Like Dobson, Chapman does not hold a degree in marriage and family therapy. He holds no known degrees or educational training in marital issues or in the field of marriage. Gary Chapman graduated from Moody Bible Institute with a degree in anthropology and then received his Masters in anthropology from Wake Forest University. He received M.R.E. and Ph.D. degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

Even still, Chapman has written more than 15 books and has sold over 3 million copies of his most famous book, The Five Love Languages. This book has been translated into 34 languages including Arabic and Hindi. Dr. Chapman is, for all intents and purposes, a celebrity marriage counselor and has helped thousands, if not millions, of couples worldwide resolve their marital conflicts. All of these tremendous feats in the field of marriage counselor, one would easily think Chapman to be a marriage therapist. But he is not.

Gary Smalley is another one. Gary Smalley is the founder of the Smalley Institute which carries the slogan, Reignite your marriage in two days. The Institute boldly, yet accurately proclaims that his process is not marriage counseling nor is it couples therapy, it is a marriage intensive that gives couples effective, long-term results to marital issues—in two days. In two days, his intensive program