The Mating Challenge: Understanding Relationships

By Anthony Alcock

The Mating Challenge is designed to educate and empower men and women to develop meaningful relationships. The essential elements of this process are accepting the responsibility to understand one's self and embracing the differences in the opposite sex. Reiationships are the foundation of our lives.
Although written from a male perspective, The Mating Challenge addresses all aspects of relationships between the sexes - how to find what, and whom, is right for you, and how to cherish what you already have.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ocean Air Living
• Release date: Jan 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9780997162257

Book preview

Acknowledgements

My sincere gratitude to the many women I have known, casually and intimately, through whom I have gained the requisite insights, understanding, and compassion to write this book.

A special thank you to Roberta Edgar, a talented author and editor, who provided me with many helpful suggestions as she edited this book.

In addition, I thank other professionals in the publishing field for their guidance, including Kathleen Kaiser and Flora Brown as well as friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances for their support, input, and critiques.

I am also thankful to those men and women who participated in the two anonymous surveys in Chapters I and II.

Finally, my thanks to the following professionals who allowed me to interview them:

Gloria Zeltzer, MA, MFT: relationship consultant with over thirty-five years of experience in helping couples bring love and intimacy back into their relationships

James Anthony Dziwak, Marriage & Family Therapist, MA, LMFT with his unique Stoplight program

Michele Haslam: restaurant manager and professional hairstylist

Julie Ferman: professional matchmaker and dating coach with over 1,200 marriages to her credit

Aaron Mackenzie: technical director for Thunder Down Under, an all-male dance revue for women

Samantha Escudero: exotic entertainer for men

Cover Image: Alexandra Morosco,

www.moroscofinearts.com

Illustrations: Aveliya, FBT Studio www.fbtstudio.com

Author Bio

I feel fortunate to have had many wonderful relationships with women throughout my life. Most were relatively short-term engagements, but quite a few evolved into lifelong friendships. During these short-term affairs, there were varying degrees of incompatibility, which led to their inevitable demise. This is an all-too-common scenario. Fortunately, with the vast number of differences between the sexes, red flags are inevitable. The trick is to recognize them and deal with them accordingly — as soon as they present themselves, and before emotions blur your field of vision.

As for my four marriages, they each gave us some wonderful and memorable times together with countless lifetime adventures and experiences, none of which I regret.

Sadly, each eventually failed for a variety of different reasons, including: naivete, inexperience, drug addiction (theirs), financial stress and miscommunication. I am reasonably confident that each wife would find a way to ascribe the failure of the marriage to me, just as I would prefer to believe it was all their fault. After all, it is only human nature to avoid taking responsibility and blame the other person. Of course, as they say, it takes two to tango, so, if we could turn back the clock, knowing what we know today, perhaps either the marriages would have survived or maybe never have even happened in the first place! Either way, it is so much better to cherish the good times and move on.

In so many ways, my life has been adventurous. I was born and raised in England and, after graduating in nuclear physics, migrated to the United states at the age of twenty-seven. My brother and I were blessed to have parents who, though financially poor, had a loving, harmonious relationship in which they adored each other and did their best to give us high standards of morals and ethics, while encouraging us to seek every opportunity to better our lives.

I was fortunate to spend some seventeen years with IBM, experiencing the birth of the computer industry. I later founded/co-founded several high-technology companies. My last major venture, which lasted six years, was to publish a monthly health magazine.

I did all this while living in some amazing places, mostly in California; the traditional suburban tri-level home complete with swimming pool and an English country garden, a mini-ranch in Malibu with horses and other creatures, a boat in Marina del Rey, a spacious apartment on the very top of Tiburon, San Francisco, a beach house owned by Pilar Wayne (John Wayne’s widow), a hi-end townhouse condominium in Thousand Oaks, a gorgeous villa in Xavia, Spain, and now, currently, on a spacious yacht in Ventura Harbor, CA.

"Women marry men hoping they will change, and

men marry women hoping they will not. So, each is

inevitably disappointed."

Albert Einstein (possibly)

The Challenge

Pursuing a loving relationship is what life is all about.

All truly satisfying accomplishments in our lives demand from us a serious commitment and nowhere is this more important, or more rewarding, than the challenge we face in the pursuit of a loving and lasting relationship with the opposite sex. Of course, it doesn’t always work out:

It was all her/his fault.

To this day, I still don’t know why she left me.

I was devastated. One day, he just walked out and ran off with his secretary.

I did everything I could for her. I treated her like a fuckin’ princess.

What was I thinking? Why on earth did I marry that jerk?

I loved him, but he was totally financially irresponsible.

How could I have been so blind to what she was really like?

Personal relationships are incredibly challenging and many of them fail due to a variety of irreconcilable differences that, with a concerted effort, could have been identified, early on, before making a commitment.

Most people agree that, despite the evolving culture in our society, especially regarding women’s rights and roles, the traditional family unit has great merit. Married or not, a man and a woman living together in harmony has a lot to be said for it, particularly as a safe and solid institution for raising our next generation. Unfortunately, traditional marriage is on the decline and the divorce rate continues to rise. So, the question becomes, why take chances? Clearly, something is wrong with this picture.

Maybe the problems are, at least in part, due to the amazing technology at our fingertips — internet dating (of all kinds) and every imaginable type of social media platform: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. In addition, Google and other search engines provide instant access to just about every available sort of information or entertainment, some of which is misleading or just plain false. Pornography, also readily accessible, often conveys highly negative, inappropriate, and misleading views of sexual relationships. And there is a trend toward sensory overload.

One can, of course, easily point to the changing roles of women, and with some justification. Today, most husbands and wives work to support the union, while juggling household and child-rearing responsibilities. In the not so distant past, the man worked to financially support the home and family, while the woman ran the household and took primary care of the children. As unequal as this might appear in today’s worldview, it worked quite well for a long time and made for many happy unions. Both accepted their societal-designated roles, and few couples divorced. Perhaps many of those husbands and wives were unhappy due to all sorts of irreconcilable differences but, because of their well-defined roles, they prioritized staying together. However, all this is academic because we live in a different world today and we need to address the underlying issues that we are currently facing, male to female. That is what this book is all about.

In order to optimize the chance of a successful marriage or committed union, we are confronted with certain fundamental issues. The basic keys to finding and keeping that life partnership are discussed in detail in this book, and, in summary, are:

Know yourself: who you are, and what you want and need in a relationship.

Understand the opposite sex: who and what they are, and what they do and say and believe.

Understand the workings of human sexuality.

Be prepared for the dating challenge because it is fun, and it is important.

Learn how and when to connect.

Be informed about the many relationship issues.

Learn how to find the right match.

Understand and resolve mutual needs and wants.

Know what it takes and have the resolve to make the commitment.

Table of Contents

Introduction

I About Men

What do Men Want from Women?

How to Understand What Men Say

How Men Think

The Male Sex Drive

The Male Physique

Male Genitalia

Boundaries

II About Women

What do Women Want from Men?

How to Understand What Women Say

How Women Think

The Female Sex Drive

The Female Physique

Female Genitalia

The Cost of Beauty

III The Importance of Sex

Propagation of Life

Our Genetic Cousins

IV Human Sexuality

Intimacy

Sex

The Kiss

Drugs and Sex

Foreplay

Positions

Orgasms

Sex Drive by Age and Gender

Masturbation

Sexual Adventures

Sexual Variations

V How to Connect

Know What You Want

The Presentation

The Greeting

The Initial Meeting

Getting to Know You

The Commitment

VI Relationship Issues

Double Standards

Mixed Messages

Internet Dating

Dating Services Interpretation Guides

Sexual Magnetism & Harassment

Equality

Religion

VII Love, Sex, & Marriage

Falling in Love

Ownership and Domination

Compromises

Sex for Sale

The Marriage Institution

VIII Professional Opinions via Personal Interviews

Relationship Consultant

Family Therapist

Restaurant Manager

Exotic Entertainment

Exotic Entertainment for Women

Exotic Entertainment for Men

Matchmaker

IX Conclusions

Summary of Major Issues

Seven Golden Rules

Notes (References)

Introduction

I am neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, but, with a lifetime of experience, I have acquired a deep understanding of male-female relationships. I believe that these insights, combined with input from many professionals, qualifies me to address this highly complex issue. So, unless you are currently enjoying a perfect relationship — and congratulation to you, if you are — you are likely to benefit from what I am about to reveal.

Relationships are the foundation of our lives. We think about relationships a lot. Just consider, for a moment, that some 90% or more of all songs are about love and relationships, as are many movies and poems.

The quality of those relationships with our spouses, parents, children, friends, and business associates directly affects our level of happiness and well-being. Certainly, the most challenging of these relationships are those we have with the opposite sex, which is the focus of this book — with a strong emphasis on sex. This is so, not because sex is necessarily the most important aspect of our relationships, but because it’s crucial to know what draws us to each other, what moves us to propagate our species, and what it takes to keep us together — happily.

Although written from a male perspective, The Mating Challenge addresses all aspects of relationships between the sexes — how to find what and whom is right for you, and how to cherish what you already have.

One of the primary causes for our inability to find and keep a partner in a long-term relationship is the absence of comprehensive healthy sex and relationship education, beginning at an early age. The result is a deplorable lack of understanding and miscommunication between the sexes. Advice from parents is usually missing while that which we get from our peers is inevitably flawed. Online pornography and much of social media don’t address the real issues, which are often distorted by the myths and misconceptions of others. Invariably, then, most of us stumble through our relationships with little understanding about ourselves or those with whom we connect — and, eventually, disconnect.

In life, we all seek physical and emotional intimacy and want love, sex, and friendship. Unquestionably, naivete and ignorance play a major role when two people fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together. They say love is blind and, to a large extent, it’s true. Our all-encompassing passion and desire to be with that person makes us besotted, and blinds us to the warning signs. When we start viewing each other as perfect, we should know we’ve entered treacherous territory.

To this day, I know that my first experiences with girls had a marked impact on my psyche. I recall that, on several occasions during puberty, when in close physical proximity to girls, I had not a clue how to handle the interaction or how to conduct myself. As a young teenager at school parties, I was unable to ask a girl to dance, because the proximity to her would immediately result in my sexual arousal, which invariably led to her noticing, and ultimately ended in my humiliation.

In my late teens, I experienced the first love of my life, and I don’t think I ever quite recovered from the experience. I was introduced to her by the girlfriend of my best friend at that time. It was hard to know who was the more naïve and inexperienced. She was so strikingly beautiful that she drew attention from everyone, wherever we went. The relationship, which lasted about six months, was, to say the least, far from ideal. Sometime later, she married a guy from our group of mutual friends and, by all accounts, enjoyed a happy marriage.

The reality is that relationships are complex and difficult, and my own personal experiences are clear evidence of this. In retrospect, knowing what I know now would have dramatically changed the outcomes of all my past relationships for the better. In some cases, however, they would never have begun.

It’s imperative to understand and accept the complex array of emotional individual needs that each of us encounters in all our relationships. We are highly evolved intelligent beings, but we are all somewhat fragile in terms of our comfort level with ourselves. Whether we are relating to friends, business associates, or lovers, we need ongoing affirmation that we are, indeed, okay. Evidence for this is abundant, even with people we hardly know. So, we interreact with greetings, like: Hi, how are you doing?, OK, thanks, how are you?, Fine, thanks, etc. Even as a couple, before going to sleep, we confirm our love for each other. Whether the CEO of a major corporation, a player on a football team, a member of a church congregation, or a husband/wife team, we have expectations of mutual trust, respect, support, and interdependence. When any of those elements is missing, the relationship suffers.

For a relationship to work harmoniously, we need to give and receive all of the above. We need to make the effort, and take the time, to understand each other’s intellectual and emotional strengths and weaknesses. We then need to use that knowledge to build a bond of trust and respect and, in the case of our loved ones, friendship and affection.

For a relationship to work, each is responsible for taking the time and making the effort to understand their partner’s primary needs and wants, and then doing all they can to satisfy them.

No one goes through life without some degree of dependence upon others. In a relationship between a man and a woman, this carefully structured interdependency is the foundation of a successful, harmonious union.

It is truly a challenge to be a man or a woman in today’s confusing world of gender ID uncertainties and the politics that have helped create this fatally flawed scenario. This will continue to impact the male/female thing ever more in the years ahead of us. For one thing, man