Came from the Darkness

By Angela Menius

This book is for the recoverying person. It is for the person who has a need in the area of dual recovery, depression, disassociation, ADD, PTSD, Anxiety, Anger, Dual Disorders, and other disorders in the psychiatric field. It touches on different areas of your spiritual life also. It talks about the illness and gives you some ways tos cope with the illness. It is a book written by an individual who has gone througn it and knows what it is like and how to cope with the illness. It comes from experience and knowledge in the field. It is a book of true life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 6, 2011
• ISBN: 9781257439003

Book preview

9

Introduction

I am a grateful recovering Alcoholic and self-mediator. Also, I have bipolar disorder. I have PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). ADD (Attention Deficient Disorder), Borderline Personality Disorder depression and anxiety disorder. The Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship saved my life and the Dual Recovery Anonymous fellowship saved my sanity. Through the program and by the grace of God I am able to tell about myself and to write this book. Today, I am not obsessed with alcohol nor obsessed with the symptoms of my illnesses of dual disorders. I love myself today.

I know who I am and I know what I want out of life. I have learned to accept life on life’s terms, instead of fighting and trying to make my fantasies of life a reality. I used to play god and be the director of my life. I tried to make pawns of people in my life to fit them the way I wanted them to be. My continual search for happiness and serenity and freedom has been found in the 12-Step programs. Today, I realize life is a very precious gift and I am not to take life for granted. I am grateful each day that God has given me. My life has been spared many times over the years through numerous suicide attempts. My life has a purpose. I may not know fully what the purpose is yet but I am still waiting to find out what my path is that I am to follow. Everything happens in God’s world has a reason and purpose. I truly believe that today.

I was depressed even as a little girl. I remember hating life even then. My family moved around a great deal. I used to think; they could never make up their minds whether they wanted to live in South Carolina or New York. We moved four times just in my elementary years, once in my middle school years, and twice in my high school years. I never could make friends. I was always having to make new friends and leaving old friends. Finally, I gave up trying to make friends. It was just too hard having to leaving them, turns around, and makes new ones.

Because of us moving around so much, I never fit in at school. In the Southern schools, I was the Yankee kid and in the Northern schools, I was called the Southern cracker. Therefore, I become the outsider looking in wanting to be a part of the groups. It never happened. In all my years, I never fit in. I did not fit in at school or at home.

I got into a lot of trouble at home. I caused a lot of problems. I was on restriction for one thing or other. I used to keep a calendar in my room to keep up the restrictions. I remember at a very early age, hiding in the closets wishing God would take me. I hated myself and everyone around me. I did not understand the feelings I was having inside of me. I did not have a name for them. I just knew I hurt inside. I had nobody to talk to about all the different feelings, which were occurring inside of me. I felt a combination of hate, anger, depression, loneliness, rejection, and resentment. I was an emotional mess as a child and a teenager. Those were a great many difficult feelings for a child to have to deal with especially when the child did not know how to deal with them nor understand them.

We had to go to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. We would put on the front of the perfect family. Mother would always say, What goes on in the house, stays in the house, act happy. I would stuff all my feelings inside of myself. I would not let any one know how I felt. Everyone just called me moody.

My parents and teachers would nag me about my grades. My brother skipped a grade in school which put him in the same grade as I. . He was the A student and I was the C student. It seemed as though everyone was comparing the two of us. I never seemed to measure up academically.

I held in all my feelings. I tried very hard to act as if I was happy, the way everybody wanted me to act. I did not want to upset anyone, since everyone seemed to always be already upset with me for something or other. I stayed to myself, I pretended, and I acted a great deal of the time.

I never seemed to do anything right, during those years. My room was never clean enough, the house was never clean enough, the dishes were not done fast enough, my hair was not fixed right, my clothes were too outrageous or my grades were not good enough. I was told I was stupid compared to my brother who made the straight A’s. It seemed I was always too something all the time. It seemed something was wrong with me all the time. I remember always trying to please people all the time. All I wanted was for somebody to notice something good about me. By the time I got to high school, I thought I was no good. I thought, I was the problem, which caused my parents to fight. I was told it so much, I started to believe it. I started to rebel. Fighting became an outlet for me. I fought with my brother, kids at school, my teachers, and my parents. I finally got some attention. However, I got the wrong kind of attention. I decided to be the tough gal and people would notice me and I could stop my crying all the time. Be tough. I ran away from home, got detention, got paddled, and got sent to the principals’ office a great deal I was the bad girl. I finally lived up to what they wanted. I was always on restriction for one thing or the other. My calendar stayed filled with days of restriction.

My first experience with alcohol was in the ninth grade. From the very start, I got drunk. I was addicted from the first drink. I liked what it did for me. It took all the anger, resentment, hate, loneliness, depression, and it all melted away. I finally fit in. I was finally somebody. I had a new set of friends. It started a new way of life for me. All the hurt inside melted with the alcohol. I knew then, I would never have to deal with those feelings again. I found a miracle cure in the bottle. What I did not realize was it was the start of a life of addiction.

Then, I was introduced to pills. It was another miracle. For me, to get high was to find freedom - to live life. I would steal money, keep my lunch money, sell my albums, sell my favorite tops, etc… to get money for the pills and the alcohol. The pressure from home and school would not let up. If anything, the pressure was getting worse because of my rebellious behavior. I could not cope with reality. I never could cope with it. Therefore, I made my own reality with the alcohol and drugs.

I decided the best solution to my problem with home and school was to get married and get away from them. I was only 16 at the time. In 1977,. I got married and moved over 1000 miles away to KY. However, what I did not realize was I had stepped out of the frying pan and moved right into the fire. My fantasy however; was to live happily ever after when I got married. What I did was move the problem with me - myself and my new husband - an alcoholic. I experienced physical, emotional, and mental abuse. After a year of being married, I was admitted to the hospital for my diminished mental state capacity. I had started to regress. During my four years of marriage, I had a child. I thought having a child would solve all our problems. It did not solve a thing. During my marriage, I left my husband six different times. I went back to him terrified not to, because he said he would kill me if I did not. I was a very sick individual and did not know it at the time. I was caught in a vicious cycle. I was terrified to stay and terrified to leave. I believed his lies of changing and getting better. I believed it when he said he would never hilt me again. I believed it when he told me he would never drink again. So, I would always go back to him.

I took the abuse for four years. When he started to abuse my daughter of only three months old that was it I left for good. I left the state. I ran as far away as I could. I wanted to get my life in order and to support my child. But I could not. The depression, mood swings, and the alcohol were controlling my life. I did not know how to stop it. I started going to bars to relieve the tension. I was on a merrygo-round of no return. I wanted someone to love me and someone I could love. This led me to three unhealthy affairs. The last affair ended with me attempting suicide. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three weeks. I was diagnosed as manic depressant and was taking 25 pills a day. I was a walking zombie. I took pills to wake-up, to eat, for my nerves, and to sleep at night.

A friend of mine at work talked to me about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I had a court order for three months that I had to live with my parents. Then one day, I had enough and I was going to kill myself. I hated my life. I hated feeling like a zombie. I hated living with my parents again. I just felt like I could not take it anymore. However, on the way to the river to kill myself, I pasted the AA building. God must have been guiding my car, because the AA building was not on the way the river at all. It was out of the way in the opposite direction. I parked my car a block down the road and I went inside hoping to find something. I did not know what. I did not even know why I went there. I was terrified the whole time I was there.

Going through those doors, that night was the first step to the rest of my life. I sat and listened to the people around the table. They were telling me about myself. In addition, they did not even know me. They explained my feelings, thoughts and actions. They told pieces of my life story but they were sober and happy and spoke of a program of steps. Afterwards, they were friendly and told me I did not have to live the way I was living anymore. It was like a dream. I listened to them. I did what they said to do. They told me they loved me. They accepted me for who I was, just as I was.

Do you know they called me the next day? They came to pick my up for the meetings. They took me to lunch. I could not believe it. These people cared about me and they did not even know me. I learned so much about what was going on inside of me. A completely new world opened up for me. I read all the books I could get my hands on. I went to the meetings every time the doors were open. Mother did not like it that I was going to the meetings. She threatened to send me back to the hospital and to stop babysitting my daughter if I continued going. But, I still went and this time I took my daughter to the meetings with me.

I wrote the judge and explained how I was going to the meetings and about my job. I was granted freedom from custody of my parents. I got an apartment of my own.

In my first year in the program, I just went to work and went to meetings. I did numerous 12 step calls. I changed my playmates and playgrounds as suggested. I dissolved a relationship I thought would kill me, but it did not. Later found out he did not truly love me as much as I loved him. However, I survived the breakup. I found the true meaning of love. I married after a year in the program to a person in the program. He was