1 Tale, 2 Tales, 3...

By Sinelia Peixoto

Tales for all ages, everything that society needs discussing.

"Do you know what you are doing?", I heard Amanda ask, but I was too focused on the pain I felt to be able to answer. Nobody told me be it hurts this much. Never read anything about this, but I watched movies e saw people scream in situations like that, but still, how could it hurt so bad?

My God, I'm still a kid! A child having another child. I didn't want to be a sixteen-year-old mother!

We all hear stories of how good it is to have a son and how much pregnancy is a blessing, but this one... I was nauseous the entire term. When I ate, I shook and puked. I got fat. I stopped studying for this, lost friends, lost a year in school, lost my life, lost my family. Lost everything.

When Amanda got wind, she was upset, because she believes that we should save yourself to that special person we will one day find. But I'm not like that. I'm not strong enough to fight against everyone and Alex had already given me an ultimatum, said he wouldn't wait another year. I was afraid of what my friend would say, but after a moment of desperation, she simply hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BadPress
• Release date: Feb 10, 2021
• ISBN: 9781071587744

Book preview

1 tale, 2 tales, 3...

Sinélia Peixoto

The Author:

Sinélia was born in December 6th, 1977, Brasília. She majored in languages – Portuguese/English and got her master in Liverpool University, Liverpool, England. She’s a teacher. She participated in the 2015 Book Biennial, was curator in the 2016 Brasília Book Fair and participated in the 2016 Book Biennial in São Paulo and Brasília. Sinélia likes to write since always. When she was a teenager, she had her poems published in the school she went to. Has two sons, is divorced and knows well what women go through and suffer in the present day, having to look after her home, her family, herself and work outside at the same time. Why Me? is the first book in the Me Trilogy, written by a woman of today, owner of herself, hardworking, diva, mother, strong, who faces life with strength and that can also be romantic, doesn’t lose her sweetness, her femininity and her inner beautiful, her will to grow, to be better and to know herself more each time.  Her stories, poems and novels on www.amazon.com.br are books that shows us that we can achieve anything with love and dedication, just needing strength of will and courage to assume our responsibilities fighting for something better.

Her social networks are:

www.trilogiadoeu.com.br

www.facebook.com/sineliaescritora

www.facebook.com/trilogiadoeu

@sinelapeixoto

@trilogiadoeu

Ig: Trilogiadoeu

Ig: sineliaescritora

Acknowledgment

Firstly, I’d like to thank my parents: Sinair and Hélia, to my crooked parents: Lori and Barry, and all of those that one way or another contributed as my inspiration: my friends with life stories, neurosis and problems; my brothers with their own lifestyle and opinions; to the people that passed through my life and sat down with me in a bar table, simply to give me an idea and inspire me, without even knowing that I was going through this soul emptying process. To my sons that always motivated me, my eternal love and thank you. To my BFFs (best friends forever) that also always supported me, specially Marília Lacerda and Soraia Sorice, who read everything I write. Above all, I want to thank God for the opportunity to touch people’s hearts, in the same time that I touch my own, understands me and accepts me as a human being, that fails, but tries to better herself day in day out. Thank you for believing in my work and all of you for having bought and spread this book.

Soul Mates

Are we Care Bears?

Graduating Alicia

Is Love Blind?

Confessions of a divorced mother

Ágata

Lili’s Doubts

Gugu’s Diary

Are there soul mates?

Me and the drums

Sleeping Beauty

Soul Mates

Sinélia Peixoto

Do you know what you are doing?, I heard Amanda ask, but I was too focused on the pain I felt to be able to answer. Nobody told me be it hurts this much. Never read anything about this, but I watched movies e saw people scream in situations like that, but still, how could it hurt so bad?

My God, I'm still a kid! A child having another child. I didn't want to be a sixteen-year-old mother!

We all hear stories of how good it is to have a son and how much pregnancy is a blessing, but this one... I was nauseous the entire term. When I ate, I shook and puked. I got fat. I stopped studying for this, lost friends, lost a year in school, lost my life, lost my family. Lost everything.

When Amanda got wind, she was upset, because she believes that we should save yourself to that special person we will one day find. But I'm not like that. I'm not strong enough to fight against everyone and Alex had already given me an ultimatum, said he wouldn't wait another year. I was afraid of what my friend would say, but after a moment of desperation, she simply hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder.

Friends are like that, they understand us, they can get angry sometimes, but then they forgive us and understand us. She asked me to tell her everything. I explained what happened with Alex, told her is not even as good as people say it is, but she wanted to know more. The curiosity of a teenager is something insatiable, we always want to know more.

When my period didn’t come, I freaked out. I remember going to the bathroom every ten minutes. I waited five days and those were the longest days of my life. I used to cry hidden, hit my belly, jumped, run, everything to see if I felt something, to make the period come, but it didn’t.

I knew Alex wouldn’t even consider, that he wouldn’t assume, he was only seventeen years old, he doesn’t want a song now. But he didn’t protect himself too! Then, that moment, a wave of fear appeared inside me. He didn’t protect himself, he didn’t use a condom with me, did he use is with others? He could have transmitted me a disease, maybe? Pregnancy is better than illness. Grabbed the result and my mind was running miles, span, ideas, doubts, diseases, everything at once. I didn’t open the exam there, wouldn’t be able to balance myself, better go home and find out the result.

At home, alone in the bathroom, I sat on the toilet and opened the envelope. Pregnant! Those word resonated in my ears. Me? Pregnant! God, how can be a mother if I’m not even a daughter? What to do now? I don’t know how long my crying and my bath took, but I remember my mom bashing the door and asking me what had happened. I remember opening the door wet, I remember she wrapping me up in a towel, taking me to the bad and calming me down.

I think a thousand wrong things went through her head in that moment that I couldn’t explain anything. She screamed, cried, shouted, thought I’d been mugged, abused and that I was in shock. I actually was, but for something I had done, something I looked for, something I made irresponsibly.

I calmed myself down when she brought me cinnamon milk. I went to the bathroom, took the exam that had fallen behind the toilet and gave it to my mother. My mom read, tilted her head downward, filled her eyes with tears and cried. Cried hard as I’ve never seen her before. Cried like a baby when her mother isn’t there. Cried as I did before and at that moment, I felt like the worst of people. Disappointed the person that love me more than anything. Disappointed myself. A child is to be expected with joy, is to be longed for, wanted; this was a scare. Something I didn’t thought of or planned was happening and I didn’t know how to deal with that properly. And how to deal with that if I’m not completely and adult? Will I?

Amanda left school and went to see me, concerned with my class absence two days in a row. I showed her everything, she cried as much as I imagined she would. Three lives would change because of an unplanned badly administered action made be me. I was guilty for this suffering. I asked if abortion was an option. She told me not to follow churches, but to follow feminists.

Today, the simple possibly of making that choice is an enormous advancement for women; even though I know the clinics that do them are illegal, so, in actuality, I don’t know how that would enhance women’s life, if abortion was legalized, the clinics would need to be regulated and inspected regularly.

But the churches believe that this being is a present, a life that God sent me to take care and it would be murder if I tried killing my baby. She left me wondering, getting used to the feeling of that embryo inside me and told me she would be there come what may.

I never thought of abortion, I saw horrible scenes and images, medics breaking legs, arms, taking parts of a child from me and that looked, yes, like a homicide. I wouldn’t have the courage to have an abortion if the fetus was older than two months. But it was five weeks old, still just a bean, if I wanted, it had to be soon. Decided to think about that, but soon the nausea came, one after the other; days where the bathroom was the best place in the house. I didn’t eat even though I was starving. When I smelled food, I had to run to the bathroom. I didn’t think pregnancy was something so bad and boring. I gave up abortion because time went to fast and I couldn’t decide. Adoption is an option?

Amanda and my mother where at my side when the pains came, I see one glance to the other, hugs start, and unbearable pain comes. I see the face of that boy that was just born, and it looks so much like me. Although he’s all wrinkled up, the nurse places him on my breast, I see my mother’s semblance of mother and grandmother. I look at Amanda and I notice she’s crying, but all I see are flashes, since my head is spinning, and my heart is racing.

I ask myself at that moment if I want that baby and the answer is: only if they’re with me. I look at Amanda and my mother and I ask their forgiveness. Say I don’t know how to be a mother, but I don’t want to give him away. I need help. I want them to teach me and help me continue the right way.

My mom looks at Amanda, both crying, they come closer, hug me and I know they will be with me forever. I know I can trust in both, I know that I have what I need when we’re together, everything resolves itself; and life goes on fine. I’m sure that everything is right, I’m in the right place, the right time too. I believe everything happens for a reason, maybe I’m not aware of it right now, but in the future, I’ll know, or I’ll see, why this child is in my arms.

The truth is that the feeling I have right now is of plenitude, of love, of giving and of life. I was able to create life, I made this baby and he’s beautiful. Maternity made me a woman, strengthens me, makes me want more. Being a mother makes me want to be better every day, makes me fight for more and try and