Why I'm Afraid to Poop in Public

By Jason Blackford

If you've ever found yourself in a situation where luck has caught you "with your pants down," this book is for you. Sit back and relax as Jason takes you through some of the most memorable, embarassing, painful, and down-right hilarious moments of his life. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll definitely want to stay as far away from him as you possibly can, lest his fortune be blessed upon you. Have fun and enjoy the ride!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 31, 2011
• ISBN: 9781257323166

Book preview

that.)

Johnson & Johnson meets the Bouncing Boys

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore… and that is what parents were created for.

- Ogden Nash, poet

My brother Aaron and I have always been two peas in a pod. I was barely over a year old when he showed up to the party, so I really don’t remember anything without him. Wherever I went, he went. Whatever he played with, I played with. We were like Starsky and Hutch, Crockett and Tubs, Burt and Ernie. (And just to be clear: I was Burt, he was Ernie) Anyway, we were truly best friends from day one, always doing fun things together, but taking our punishments together as well.

When I was just getting ready to turn three years old, our little sister, Carrie, decided to come onto the scene. She was so cute and cuddly… and WOW did she take up a lot of Mom’s time! This, as Aaron and I decided in one of our many little meetings, was indeed the opportunity of a lifetime. Having Carrie around to run interference for us was going to be perfect. With Mom out of the picture for so much time at once, the house became our proverbial oyster. It was time to kick it up a notch.

We lived in a quaint little house in pleasant Midwest America. The rooms were small, but when you’re only about two feet tall any place seems huge. Up until this point Aaron and I found plenty of things to do to bide our time. We played on the rocking horse and watched plenty of TV. Our favorite pastimes were mimicking things we saw on that glorious Tube. Throwing pillows and cushions off of the couch pretending to be the Incredible Hulk was one of our faves. Mom, of course, loved this one. But after a while, TV was getting a little boring. If I heard the theme song for the Bloodhound Gang from 3-2-1 Contact one more time I was probably going to do something drastic.

One day, while Mom was tending to the Decoy (i.e., Carrie), Aaron and I were leaping off the top of our dresser and onto the top bunk bed, pretending to be that super-cool dude in the blue suit and red cape. Mom, astonishingly, came into the room and quickly broke up the festivities. We were a little shocked, seeing how she was so busy with our little sister at that moment. It must have been the slight thumps of our bodies crashing into the bunk bed that gave us away. Either that or the recoil of the dresser as it slammed into the wall after our jumps.

Anyway, we were bummed. We couldn’t get to the top bunk by jumping from the floor. We were way too short, and using the ladder to get up there was just simply out of the question. But Mom said, No more jumping off of the dresser! You’re going to break your necks! So, that was that.

Now, of course we would never do anything to go against our mother’s wishes, so we obediently stopped the acrobatics. Mom made it very clear that we couldn’t jump off the furniture any more. What she didn’t say, however, was that we couldn’t keep jumping onto the top bunk. All we had to do was find another way up there. So, we were only faced with a minor setback… we had to keep pushing forward. Superman would have done the same.

We quickly convened in our normal meeting place – the bathroom next to our bedroom – and discussed the alternatives. We were trying to think of a way to catapult ourselves up to the coveted ivory tower that was the top bunk. We came up with a few ideas, all of which would have resulted in broken furniture, a maimed limb, or an injured house pet. And that was when it caught my eye. There, in all its splendid glory, was the answer: Mom’s stash of four-pound plastic bottles of baby powder. Thank God there was a baby in the house.

I pulled one off of the shelf and put it on the floor, laying it on its side. I made sure the lid was closed (I mean, I definitely didn’t want to leave any trace of this little experiment around for Mom to find), and stood on it. It was really bouncy! I guess those plastic bottles are good for more than just holding powder.

Aaron, we’ve gotta try this, I said. Aaron just grinned like he always did when we were getting ready to go on an adventure; his little sparkling eyes screaming Let’s do it! as loudly as ever. So, we very quietly hauled the bottle into our room and shut the door. The fun was about to begin.

We laid bottle on its side and placed it on the floor in front of the bunk beds. I was thinking that if the first attempt failed, it wasn’t going to be pretty. So naturally I relinquished the first goaround to my little buddy. You can go, I said to Aaron. I’ll be a good big brother and let you have the first turn.

I don’t think I even got … first turn out and Aaron was already in mid-sprint towards the bottle. He leapt into the air and slammed his feet down on it. I will never forget what happened next.

Aaron sailed so high up into the air that he completely cleared the top bunk and slammed into the wall behind it. I mean, he had enough hang-time that he could’ve thrown in a halfgainer with a twist if he wanted to. Luckily for him, the beds were right up against the wall that he had just smacked, so he just slid down it and onto the top bunk. But holy cow, it worked! Aaron was laughing so hard when he sat up and looked at me. Come on! You gotta try this! he giggled.

I was ecstatic. I ran over to the far wall, as far away from the bottle that I could get, and zoned in on my target. Rubbing my hands together, then swinging my little arms to the side to help build up all 40 pounds of my momentum, I bolted towards the bed. This is going to – I started to think. But when my feet landed on the bottle, my world immediately became a spinning torrent of ceiling and walls.

It launched me at just a slightly lower angle than Aaron had gone, spinning sideways, and I clipped the top bunk, just barely rolling onto it. Aaron helped me up and said I’m next. We were back on the floor before you could say hi.

We heard Mom yell