I'm In Charge! - A Parenting Strategy to Help You Raise Happy and Cooperative Children

By Megan Davis, LCSW and Kathleen Todd, LCSW

In “I’m in Charge!” we created four children with typical characteristics to show how you can be in charge even if your child is hyperactive, has learning challenges, is strong willed or sensitive. All of them have really great parents who are feeling lost and are finding new ways to help their children. They use the basics of the PPC Program-Coaching Strategies, Executive Functions of the Brain, Basics of the Brain, Developmental Stages and Temperament. The book highlights four challenging areas of parenting; Morning Madness, Homework Hassle, Dreaded Dinner Time and Bedtime Battles.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312445390

Book preview

I'm In Charge! - A Parenting Strategy to Help You Raise Happy and Cooperative Children

I’m in Charge! -

A Parenting Strategy to Help You Raise Happy and Cooperative Children

By Megan Davis, LCSW and

Kathleen Todd, LCSW

Illustrations by Tara Woods

Copyright © 2014 by Megan Davis & Kathleen Todd

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

ISBN 978-1-312-44539-0

Phoenix Parent Coaching

8727 S. Priest Dr., Suite 101

Tempe, AZ 85284

www.phoenixparentcoaching.com

Phoenix Parent Coaching authors, Megan Davis and Kathleen Todd, are available for live and web events.  Please contact them for more information at phoenixparentcoaching.com

The authors of this book do not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique for physical, emotional or medical problems as a form of treatment without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly.  The intent of the authors is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your parenting journey. 

Note:  The examples in this book are not based on any one person.  They are drawn from years of clinical work with many families. These are included to illustrate concepts throughout the book.

Cover and interior graphic design by Tara Woods

Dedication

We want to dediate this book to all of the people who

supported us along the way.

To our families, thank you for you patience and support.

To our friends and colleagues, thank you for giving your

time and sharing your wisdom.

Without all of you, this book would never have been written.

Acknowledgements

This book is a tapestry woven with the contributions of many people. We are incredibly grateful to those who have been the threads that we pulled together to help create this book. This book is a compilation of many years of both of our personal and professional experience. We are grateful to everyone who has inspired us in our careers.

First and foremost we would like to thank our editor, Robert Murray Davis Ph.D.  He took our original thoughts and helped to shape the words that you see on these pages.  He committed hours of his time and his wisdom to edit and improve our book.

Thank you to all of the parents and professionals who read and commented on our book.  Each of you added something unique to the final product.  We would like to thank Diana Baysinger, LPC (psychotherapist & coach), Don Dey, LPC (parent & counselor), Lori Haas, LCSW (psychotherapist and parent), Kim Krmpotoch (parent), Geraldine Reyes (parent), Jason Todd (parent & educator) and Kristina Todd, PA-C (parent & health practitioner). 

We are also grateful to the many families who allowed us the privilege of working with them through their challenges to their successes. We are appreciative of the parents who have taken on the task of becoming coaches to their children. Your hard work and dedication contributes to the growth of the field of parent coaching.

We would like to acknowledge the numerous scientists, researchers, clinicians and educators who contribute to the exciting field of neuroscience. Their work ignited a spark in our curiosity about how understanding the brain, executive functions and developmental psychology serve to help families function more effectively. In our work in psychotherapy, we have utilized the body of work of Erik Ericson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development as well the many contributors to the field of Temperament, especially Helen Neville and Diane Clark Johnson.

We are indebted, grateful and so amazed by our creative team of Eileen Laux and Tara Woods. Each in her own way creatively improved our project. Eileen spent hours formatting the book and designing our website. Tara Woods, our illustrator, made the kids come to life on these pages. 

Last, but not least, thank you to our tech crew. We appreciate Susan Green, Robin Phillips and Maxine Park for your technical expertise.  Bobbi Seiger, our photographer - bless you for your artistic and favorable eye and an especially big Thank You to our YouTube participant, Brendan Dey. You were charming, patient and professional during the filming of the videos

Introduction

Who is in charge at your house?  If you are like many parents the answer may depend on how the day is going.  We believe that a parent needs to answer, Of course I’m in charge! We believe that statement means that the parent feels confident that he or she is fulfilling his or her role.  It is the nature of families for parents to be the ones in charge of their children. You, as a parent, are the most important influence in your child’s life. Parents assume this responsibility in order to ensure that their child has a positive environment to grow and flourish. Parenting is one of the most important roles any one of us will ever undertake. We want to help make the inherent challenge of parenting become a positive, joyful and meaningful experience in your family. Although most children will never tell you, they need to count on you being in charge to feel safe and secure.

One of the reasons that parenting is challenging is that parents and children interpret the world differently.  What we as parents think and say isn’t processed in the same language that children think and hear in. This makes for muddy communication.  This book will give you information on how to more clearly understand your child, how to use more effective parenting tools, and give you a fun and engaging way to resolve problem areas. There are entire books and sites dedicated to parenting, but most parents don’t have the time to read multiple books in order to become a parenting expert.  We believe that a core truth of parenting is that your child is unique and that to make any parenting book useful it must be adaptable to you and your child. Our intent in creating the Phoenix Parent Coaching Program is to provide you with clear and simple parenting strategies to help you create the family you envision.

Most parents find that children who handle stress more easily are more adaptable to life. Resiliency is an individual’s ability to ride through life’s rough waters by going with the flow rather than battling through the waves.  Some people are born with the capacity to smoothly recover from stressful events.  We are all born with some degree of resiliency; some people have an easier time tapping into their resilient response.  Anyone who can comfortably move with the waves has an easier time managing life’s stressors.  Parents who help their children to develop this trait provide their children with a valuable gift. 

No child comes with directions for how to best parent them.  However, all children will give you information on what they need.  This book will help you to decode your child’s needs through observation, discussion and cooperative parenting.  Our goal is to help you as a parent to be confident in how you parent your children.

In order to help you to be more confident and understand your child better, we chose five key concepts (Coaching, Executive Functions, the Brain, Developmental Stages and Temperament).  These concepts are all interdependent.   They will help to create a strong foundation that enables you to be effective in your role as a parent.  We present our brief descriptions of these complex concepts in order to give you the basics on how to utilize this information on a daily basis.

Coaching is a universal approach that builds on an individual’s strengths while addressing his or her weaknesses.  Think about a great coach who affected your life in a positive way.  That coach might have been a sports coach or a teacher who coached you in some way.  Now imagine that you are that coach who is preparing your child for life in that same powerful way.  The best coaches make you feel that they have your back and push you to do more than you believe you can.  Success happens when you do it! The Phoenix Parent Coaching Program is a strategy to help you become that amazing coach for your child.

Information on Executive Functions of the brain is a burgeoning area in understanding how the brain works. One of the benefits of using this paradigm is that the words are descriptive rather than stigmatizing. Discussing Executive Functions of the brain allows parents and children to more easily review behavior, feelings and beliefs without resorting to defensive battles. We view you, the parent, as the most important player on your child’s team.  You are with your child on a daily basis, love him or her, and are invested in how he or she grows into turn adulthood.  This makes you the perfect Parent Coach for your child. 

Science is providing new information every day about our complex Brain.  Whenever you and your child interact your brains are engaged in an amazing and complex symphony.  To make understanding this process useful we simplified the information of our brains into 3 parts; the Reactive (Old brain), Feeling (Limbic) and Thinking Brain (Neocortex). This simplified version of the brain helps to explain behavior as it applies to parent/child interactions.

To enhance your job as a parent it is helpful to understand where your child is in his or her particular stage of development.  Developmental Stages theory allows us to understand what emotions, behaviors and beliefs are typical and necessary at each stage for a child to learn and grow.  An example of a Developmental Task is learning to walk.  When a children learn this new cognitive and behavioral task they often reduce or stop talking.  That doesn’t mean that they forgot how to talk.  It is how the brain is wired to learn and move through this task. We refer to Erik Erickson’s theory of Psychosocial Development as a foundation to provide an overview of child development. Understanding the various tasks and challenges in each stage helps us better understand the big picture of our growth and development.

The final piece of our foundation is Temperament. Temperament is the core hardwiring that each of us bring into life that explains the concept of fit. Fit is the ease and comfort that we experience with some people; it is that feeling of being understood without having to explain ourselves. For example, one teacher seems to work easily with a child despite all of the challenges that the child may bring, while another equally talented teacher has to really try hard to successfully connect with that child.  That is Temperament fit.

In I’m in Charge! A Parenting Strategy to Help You Raise Happy and Cooperative Children, we created four children with different typical characteristics to demonstrate how you can be in charge even if your child struggles with hyperactivity, has learning challenges, is strong willed or sensitive.  Morgan is a hyperactive, sweet, young elementary school aged child.  Brandon is a kind high school student who is adapting and coping with his learning challenges.  Jeremy is in junior high school and has been strong willed all of his life.  Tina is an older elementary student who has sensory issues and tends to worry a lot.  They all have really great parents who love them.  Their parents want to learn new ways to help their children thrive.

What Can i Do As a Parent?

Putting the advice into practice is easier said than done. At times, parenting can feel overwhelming and leave parents questioning themselves. To assist parents as they journey through the parenting puzzles and questions, we have designed The Phoenix Parent Coaching Program (PPC Program).

Parents take care of their children’s’ physical needs and health.  It is just as important to develop good strategies for the care and development of a child’s brain.  The best way to do this is to be present and available for your child without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  Healthy parenting is an evolving process.

We are committed to helping parents through this confusing process and provide a viable strategy to help. We utilize current research combined with effective parenting strategies. In addition we rely on our belief that the foundation of good and effective parenting is love, understanding and commitment.

PART I

Foundational Concepts for the Phoenix Parent Coaching Program (PPC)

The Phoenix Parent Coaching Program (PPC Program)             Consists of Three Parts:

Part 1:  The PPC Program provides parents with basic parenting

information and parenting strategies. These include:

Coaching tools

an explanation of Executive Functions

a quick overview of the Brain

explanation of Developmental Tasks

description of Temperament

Part 2:  The PPC Program teaches parents how to coach their child.  We

illustrate specific examples using four different children. This

includes:

How to clearly define the problem

How to set SMART-R Goals

How to create realistic Tasks to successfully meet those goals

How to Reward

Part 3:  The PPC Program provides ongoing online support through

Coaching Support for Parents.

In the Coaching Support for Parents sessions

we coach you as you coach your child. The support group is designed to

help parents to stay on task with the coaching process.

JOIN US

We invite you to join us in the Phoenix Parent Coaching Program. We designed the program as an interactive educational tool for parents who may be struggling and who are committed to be the best parents they can be.  During this process you will learn how to talk with your child in a structured way to co-create change

Chapter 1

The Coaching Process

Why Coaching?

The Phoenix Parent Coaching Program (PCP) is a coaching program. Coaching is an effective strategy for parents to help their child develop and enhance Executive Functioning processes of the brain.  The more effectively our Executive Functions operate the easier it is to manage everyday tasks.

Coaching is a collaborative, action based process focused on facilitating growth to reach anyone’s full potential. Coaching is most successful when it is consistent and ongoing.  The coach supports the individual to help him or her to stay focused and accountable in making change.

There has been an explosion of coaching in recent years.  Some of the areas include:

Sports coaches          ADD/ADHD coaches

Fitness coaches           Nutrition coaches

Financial coaches          Business coaches

The benefit of coaching children for behavior and academic success has been demonstrated and well documented. Coaching has been shown to be a highly effective strategy to help children with ADD/ADHD and to strengthen Executive Functions.  The role of the coach is to help children plan, problem solve, and evaluate their efforts. It is also the role of the coach to provide encouragement, support congratulations and guidance. Children are highly motivated by all types of rewards.

As an example, Carol wants to help her son Mike to stop procrastinating getting