Proactive Parenting: Through Conscious Communication

By Rod Herron

Proactive Parenting is a dynamic and multi-disciplinary approach to improving the parenting style. It aims to instil a proactive approach to parenting, as this is more effective than the reactive approach commonly practiced. This book will show you how to communicate more effectively so that you can be a better parent. It is also full of techniques that can show you how to improve your life so that you can be a better person too. Proactive Parenting says that the responsibility lies with the parent to improve themselves first, then they can improve their family life. You fix the parent, and the child will be fixed too. Better families make better communities which make better societies. We can make the world a better place by making our homes a better place.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Sep 16, 2010
• ISBN: 9781453573167

Rod Herron

Rod Herron currently lives in Middlesbrough, England. He is happily married to Jane with whom he has six children. His home life allows him to put into practice the many techniques he talks about in his book. Through trial and error he has learnt what are the best ways of communicating with children of all ages. Rod has a degree in Human Sciences (anthropology) from the University of Durham and a Masters in Management. He has worked in various business sectors before qualifying as an NLP practitioner. His expertise is a combination of these experiences and from the study of many personal development techniques.

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Copyright © 2010 by Rod Herron.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2010913268

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4535-7315-0

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4535-7314-3

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4535-7316-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Xlibris Corporation

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www.xlibrispublishing.co.uk

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Contents

Introduction

How to Use This Book

Part 1

Nature’s Gifts

Chapter 1

Modern Malaise

Chapter 2

Nature of the Mind

Chapter 3

Growth and Development

Chapter 4

Facilitating Learning

Part 2

How, Why, and What We Communicate

Chapter 5

How We Communicate

Chapter 6

Meta Programs

Chapter 7

Values and Beliefs

Chapter 8

Speak Their Language

Part 3

Putting It into Practice

Chapter 9

Calm, Confident, and in Control

Chapter 10

Love and Discipline

Chapter 11

Negative Emotions

Chapter 12

Problem-Solving Frame of Mind

Chapter 13

Solution-Based Thinking

Chapter 14

The Pareto Principle

Chapter 15

How to Present Information

Chapter 16

Reframing

Chapter 17

Asking the Right Question

Chapter 18

Implementing Values and Beliefs

Chapter 19

Cultivating Virtues

Chapter 20

The Kaizen Household

Chapter 21

Procrastination

Part 4

Conclusion

Chapter 22

Tips and Advice

Summary

Recommended Reading

Dedication

To my parents who set me on the path.

To Jane, for her love, support, and guidance.

Especially for my six children, Dylan, Betty, Connie, Gabriel, Raphael, and Keziah, who have provided me with the opportunity to better myself—I am eternally grateful.

May you be well and happy; may you be free from suffering.

Introduction

Why ‘Proactive Parenting’? Why not ‘Positive Parenting’ or some of the other buzzwords flying around today? The fundamental difference in this book is about empowering the parent first and foremost. You will be fighting a losing battle by focusing your energy on your children’s behaviour when it is you, the parent, that needs addressing. You could also learn 101 behavioural techniques for dealing with your children from the other books, but if those books miss one vital ingredient, then your efforts are wasted. And I can tell you from personal experience that most parenting books leave one key factor out—and that is the main purpose of this book.

And what is this elusive key factor? It is motivation. If you do not address the motivation behind your children’s behaviour, then your attempts to correct your children’s behaviour will be never ending. All behaviour is motivated by something. Proactive Parenting will give you the tools to get to the heart of the matter and to make those changes that will bring about a better family life. You will also learn other techniques to free up your time to enjoy that better-quality life.

All parenting is a learning curve. There is no ‘one size fits all’. Proactive parenting is about communicating correctly, and it is about being flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances. Your children are continually changing—physically, mentally, and emotionally. You need to be able to respond to these changes. Therefore, proactive parenting is about personal development. You, as parent, are at the heart of all that is good and bad with your family. With this is mind, you have to establish good behaviour and eliminate the bad in yourself so that you can achieve the mindset that will bring about proactive parenting.

By placing yourself at the heart of the family, you will be accepting the roles and responsibilities that are necessary to achieve this. The first step is to accept all responsibility. With proactive parenting comes positive child-rearing. You cannot successfully bring up children if you are an emotional rollercoaster. With responsibility comes stability, and with stability comes harmony. That harmony is what proactive parenting is all about. Are you ready to take on that role?

And what is that role? Imagine the boardroom of a multinational company. There is the CEO and the board of directors; there is a financial manager, a human resources manager, a research and development manager, a sales manager, etc. There are many different departments with a variety of staff performing a variety of tasks. Throw into the mix a first aid officer, a logistics manager, an events manager, a union representative, and an adjudication officer, amongst others. Let’s say I offered you a job that took on all the roles of all these people 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until the day you die. Furthermore, it is a voluntary post of no pay. Would you still be interested? If you answer yes, then welcome to the role of parenting.

It is the toughest job in the world, and it is the most rewarding when it is done properly. You will be kept on your toes for at least the next twenty years or so. You will be challenged in all areas of your life. And you will be eternally grateful for the lessons you learn. And you will learn many. If you think you know yourself, then there is nothing like throwing children into the mix to make you see who you really are. Are you really as patient as you think you are? Are you really as organised as you think you are? Children will prove you wrong on many counts about the beliefs you have about yourself.

Having children will propel you into a new dimension where no amount of advice could ever match up to personal experience. Children are the ultimate tool in personal development. Do you accept the challenge?

If you have accepted this challenge and are prepared to develop yourself to your full potential, then there is only one area of your life where you need to excel. The good news is that you are already doing it every waking moment of your life. The bad news is that we don’t always do it very well. What am I talking about? I am talking about communication. Everything you think, do, and say is about communication. If you are not getting the results you want, it is due to low-quality communication. When you get the communication right, you know you’ve got it right.

There is a maxim in neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) that says, The meaning of the communication is the response you get. If you get a ‘duh’ response, then you are communicating in a way that has little or no meaning to the person with whom you are communicating. This book is about personal development. And personal development is about communicating the right things to yourself and to others. Communication is the hub around which the personal-development wheel spins. It all comes down to communication. You get this right, you have got proactive parenting right.

From now on, you must accept the role of conscious parenting. You have a goal in mind, and you are working towards achieving those objectives. That requires discipline on your behalf. It is also about you having the right values and beliefs and communicating those to your children so that they come to accept them too. You can also use biology to help you. When it comes to nurture, why not use nature too? There are certain behaviours that are inborn or genetically predisposed (e.g., smiling), and the use of simple body language can be the difference that makes the difference. With body language, many behaviours are learned behaviours, and we can see them in our cultural behaviour. You can use this to your advantage to communicate clearly and concisely, which will go a long way towards achieving your objectives.

Just by knowing a little about the nature of our minds, we can go a long way in understanding the behaviour of others. A golden rule is to accept that behind every behaviour, there is a positive intention. That may seem hard to accept if your child has just scribbled all over your walls or rubbed lipstick into your new carpet. When you accept that there is a positive intention behind what the child has done, it gives you the freedom to be forgiving. You need to learn the lessons of that experience and move on, and so should your children be learning those lessons.

Proactive parenting begins with you accepting your weaknesses and continues with your determination to overcome these obstacles and see the job through to the end. It will give you happiness, stability, love, and discipline, amongst others that are too numerous to mention. The joy you will receive as a result is the greatest reward. So let the journey commence.

How to Use This Book

This book is divided into four parts. Each part is aimed at answering an area of what proactive parenting is about. They cover the why, the what, the how, and the what if that you will need to know in order to be a proactive parent.

Part 1 starts off with the big picture. It lays the foundation of why we should be doing something to improve our parenting skills. Chapter 1 looks at the effects our modern world is having on children. The results are frightening, and we should be motivated to change the status quo. Chapter 2 is about the nature of the mind and the impact it has on our communication. The nature-nurture debate is dealt with in chapter 3. It also looks at the stages we go through as we grow, and why we need to live a balanced life.

Part 2 looks at the ways we communicate. Chapter 5 is about how we communicate. Chapters 6 and 7 look at the unconscious processes behind our communication. Chapter 8 looks at how we can communicate better.

Part 3 is the how of this book. It is by no means an exhaustive list of techniques you can use to improve your family life. All the methods are given in context of parenting but can also be used in other areas of your life.

Part 4 is the conclusion and gives tips and advice. It should answer any FAQs. It summarises a lot of the information in the preceding three sections, as well as adds to the bulk of the information already presented. It can be used as a stand-alone section or as a reference to other parts of the book.