Crimson and the Broken Mind

By Nathaniel Fauber

Due to concussion Mathew suffers memory loss and starts to interact with things that don’t exist. During a dream Mathew meets Crimson who tries to prepare him for the afterlife. Mathew and Crimson will encounter dreams, reality, and alternate realities in order for Mathew to move onto his next life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 13, 2017
• ISBN: 9781365755606

Book preview

Crimson and the Broken Mind

Crimson and the Broken Mind

Nathaniel J. Fauber

Copyright © <2017> by

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing: <2017>

ISBN <978-1-365-75560-6>

Getting out in town

I open my eyes to feel the warmth of the morning sunlight on my face. I try my best to continue to sleep, but I give in and wake up. I think to myself why am I alive to this day? What if my life is over and what I experience now is just my path to the afterlife.

Like most of the mornings around this time it’s humid, and the air condition fails to work since humidity and being heat are different. The sweat from my sleep makes me want to get a shower. I exit my bedroom and look down my hallway. I notice a woman at my dining room table drinking fresh coffee. I notice the coffee, due to the aroma that fills the apartment.

I decide to walk over and greet the woman.. Seeing the coffee in her hand and the smile on her face I guess she already knew her way around my apartment. It’s 10:00am in the morning; yet, I don’t feel rushed. I tried to think for a moment who she was. There was nobody I could recall that referenced her.

I glance back up to notice my dining room was empty. I noticed the coffee mug still partially filled with coffee, and an empty plate that had a few bread crumbs on it. While I thought for a minute, I knew I wasn’t a coffee drinker. I made sure my apartment doors were locked. The bolts on my front door were secured, and I could not find anyone present in my apartment.

I entered the shower as my guest seems to have vanished. The warm water hits my body as I try to figure out who was in my dining room eating. I know I seen someone, but since my accident I have not had any visitors that I recalled. I may be getting lonely that I hallucinate visitors. The issue that ran through my mind was how is the coffee cup on the table?

I exited bathroom with a towel so I could change, and noticed a person at my dining room table. It takes a few moments then I recall seeing the person before. I felt frightened, and relieved at the same time. I enter my bedroom and changed into some shorts and t-shirt. Feeling hungry I walk towards the kitchen and realize she was at my dining room table.

I walked over and poured a bowl of cereal, and some grape juice. I took a seat on the opposite side of where she was sitting. I begin to eat my food, but was at some discomfort as she gazed at me. Her face felt like it was seeing into my soul. Who was this person I have at my home is all I could think about.

Did I invite a guest over and I forget?

I suffer memory loss and find it difficult to remember those who are close to me. There are times I will get lucky and have a vague memory of something. Overall my memory should be considered useless.

What I see every day no longer feels living or dead. My daily life feels like a purgatory in which if I didn’t know I was injured, I would assure myself I was last person living. Out of seven billion people on this planet I can’t recall anyone. Here in front of me at my dining room table is a guest I have not spoken to yet. All I done so far is allowed her to watch me as I had my breakfast.

Phone calls I can remember, computers while doing email and chat on I can remember, and in person I forget the human image and the meeting. At times I feel I am talking to ghost in person, on the computer I am talking to a chatbot, and on the phone I talk to a recording. I can smile every day is the positive emotion out of my injury.

What I want to do is spend a few days understanding what I can notice. I will say I feel alone, and not lonely which I believe helps. I know I am injured, and the support I feel is lacking. I will admit there are thing that do scare me, it was the only image my memory was able to produce a human image since my accident. That’s for a later time but I want to get out of my apartment for now.

I exited my apartment and went to my car. The weather is nice with few clouds in the sky. The sunlight hitting my car caused my hand to burn as I went to open it. I started my engine and rolled down my windows. I turned on my air condition as I stepped away from my car until it cooled down.

I thought of things I could do in town. First I needed a haircut, second groceries, and then last explore a part of greater Jackson area. I use some sticky notes for my day’s activities.

For haircuts there is one place I like to go. The Barber shop at the mall in Ridgeland.  I left for the mall once my car cooled down. At first I wondered if it’s safe for me to drive, sadly workers comp never treats for head injuries. So I am left for the use of my best judgement.

I get on to I20 heading west then merge onto the I55N interchange. I begin to think why I want to smile. Why its sounds strange people can show a smile for their personal emotion or to deceive those around them. As I drive to the mall at times I felt there was someone else in my passenger’s seat. I think my smile personally is to deceive what’s in my car that’s not really there. After a fifteen minute drive I make it to the mall. It feels awkward driving and feeling there’s a ghost in the car.

I prefer to park near the food courts. This allows me to notice the amount of people when I walk into the mall. I park my car and at the far end of the lot so it’s easier to locate.

I enter the mall the food court is not packed, but has a few lines with people waiting to order. I walk past the food court to the place for a haircut. I write my name on the sheet of paper and set down on the bench waiting for my turn. I focus my attention to the escalator and watch people get on and off.

So right now everything seems normal. The people going up and down the escalator I can acknowledge. Even though the haircut place beside me has windows, in my mind it’s empty. The food court we went by is empty. It’s kind of a haunting feeling if someone is not in the line of sight they never exist to you.

The voices from the food court are a haunting sound to me. When the words are processed in my mind with no human image it’s like a ghost speaking from the past. The only reinsurance I have right now is watching the people walk down the mall or see them on the escalators. In a few minutes when my name is called these people will never exist to me.

Good my name is called. I usually get a buzz cut so it will be fast. While I get the haircut and force to look at myself in the mirror. It is difficult to process what I am looking at. To me what I see is someone different and real. Its feels like the mirror image exist, and I didn’t. Its awkward that we try to give ourselves an identity, but really the only way a person knows what they look like is by a third person perspective and not first person.

Once I pay for my haircut I decide to walk down the bottom floor of the mall. I walk past a few stores and look inside. In a few minutes I will tell try to recall what I seen. It’s odd to look at people with the interest I have now. My interest is no longer what the people look like, but more of the clothing they wear.

Prior to my accident I viewed shoppers with those who had free time, or those who had leisure. I looked at the men as students or professionals. I looked at women as mothers, students, professionals, and depending on looks there sex appeal.

What I see now is a person in front of me. When they leave my sight they become cloudy, or nonexistent. As for the cloudy image it’s like a fog or static and there is no image, just a ghostly figure. The nonexistence is like taking a photo of a person. The person is setting on a bench and it feels my mind was to complete the bench and wipe out the person. The person is erased and my memory has the power to recreate the image to finish the bench. I will admit it’s one nice bench, but the person who was on it I have to say sorry too.

Since I reached the end of the mall I will write down what I remember. The stores had mannequins, clothes, a countertop, and some marked down prices. There were no people, but I can see and recall mannequins. The question is how can I recreate the image of a mannequin, but I am unable to recognize or produce an image of a human?

I decided it was time to do some shopping now, I feel alone at the mall. Even though there are a lot of people at the mall it feels like I am the only one alive here. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Being lonely to me wants the comfort of another person. Feeling alone is you’re isolated from society and right now it feels like I’m dead and everyone else is alive or vice versa. So time to get some groceries and explore Jackson.

I leave the mall and get lost a bit looking for my car. You know what I hate about having an injury to the head, I can’t get a handicap parking permit. It would make my car much easier to remember where it is. After walking around a bit I locate my car.

I will drive across the road. I will buy two 2 litter drinks, taco kit, hamburger meat ninety three percent grade, onions, cheese shredded, sour cream, and three potpies. They are simple things I can cook. I like the stores with self-check outs since it allows me not to interact with anyone.

I return with my groceries and $30.00 shorter. Ten items each averaging less than $2.50. Maybe it’s wiser for America to just live off the $1.00 menus. Whoever took my money for the overpriced groceries, I want to say I am glad I never meet you or remembered you.

I drive fifteen minutes back to my town. I will get of I20 at exit 48. This is the main road to me besides US-80. We got many food places to eat out at, an outlet mall, and some business five miles away from my apartment. The location is great, but the community and the development makes me not to want to raise a family here.

While I ride around I learned my road rage no longer is placed with people. I will hate the cars themselves, trucks, and the police cars. I want to say the town is a safe place to live, but when it looks like a small traffic stop requires three police cruisers, one the city is unsafe, or it’s a quiet night for the police in Pearl. Overall it’s the car’s I focus on and not the drivers, which when I return home each day I am really glad I don’t recall any drivers on the road.

The worst car I deal with is the Ice cream truck when they come to my apartments. I am sure the driver is a nice person. When you are in your apartment alone, and forget no other humans are alive besides you. That little cartoonish song is a damn nightmare. It starts off low and gets louder. The first time it affected me I was afraid something was going to come through my apartment door and attack me. Then the song got lower as it drove off. To me the ice cream truck is the vehicle I hate most on the road.

I am starting to feel tired so I go back to my apartment so I can rest. I will say only image I been able to process in my mind is what I see in my apartment. Some may say that’s good news, but to me one image is haunting. It like me driving home know I feel someone is in my passenger seat.

I parked my car in my spot and exit. I make sure my car is locked before I go to my apartment. As I reach my door I then walk over to my mail box which is about a five min walk round trip. I open my apartment door and returned to my car and grabbed the groceries, and then went to my apartment for the night. I placed the food in the fridge.

Since I’m exhausted I decided I will cook when I get up. I walked down the hall and turned my AC on and then entered my bedroom. I undressed and fell asleep on my futon.

The First Meeting

I open my eyes and look outside to notice its dark. I get up off my futon in order to make myself some dinner. I exited my room I look down the hallway and seen the light was on. I didn’t believe the light was on when I entered my apartment with my groceries. I then notice a person setting at my dining room table. I ignored the person and continue to walk to my fridge and get something to drink.

I then walked over and took a seat at the dining room table. I looked up and took a drink from my glass. Every time I see someone in my apartment I feel as its nothing more than a ghost. In my mind I want to say you scarred me when I saw you after my nap, as well I live alone. Sadly I can’t say what I created in my mind is a human or ghost, but more or less an image of my mind. When I first meet the image it said she was a witch in a dream. Since then I see the image in my apartment at times.

My accident happened on May 10th 2014. I went to two emergency rooms and a doctor’s visit so far. I was also on pain killers at the time which may cause hallucinations. I am unable to process the human image in my mind and so every day was seeing people in a cloudy form. I went home exhausted and decided to sleep.

I recall walking in a void. I began to recall conversations and it was a nightmare of being a void and hearing ghost conversations. I then felt as if I had a presence in the dream and then noticed a path. I began to walk on a dirt road. It felt as if I walked for hours on the path. I began to feel exhausted and decided to kneel down and rest. My mind began to wonder in the void until I heard something.

It sounded as if someone was walking up the path behind me. I tried to see if I could make out anyone, but it was for no good. I then heard footsteps approach me but still I had no image. There was a faint aroma in the air like a musky animal, but nothing I could see. I then heard the whisper that told me to look up.

I did and seen a cabin with a lantern light hanging from the porch and a white cloudy figure on a rocking chair. I stood up and began to walk towards it. My legs felt heavy every step I took towards the cabin.

I began to feel raindrops as I approached the cabin. The rain helped cool my body and took my mind off the weight of my legs. I started up the pathway to the cabin, about half way up I began to hear a voice in the rain. I don’t recall what it said, but I recalled I smiled, I think the feeling of not being alone caused it. When the dirt path ended I found myself at the base of some rotted wooden steps. Each step I took made a creaking sound. I had no hand railing so I was careful not to fall and hoped the wood would not giveaway. After six steps up I was on the patio. I was on the porch looking at a cloudy figure.

I remember saying I wish I could see someone and recall them one time. I regret even for a dream, I would wish I could recall some familiar person. In a world a person feels alone with no person to think of, I want my dreams to be a place I can have something to feel attached too.

I began to see the fog fade and a hand reach out towards me. The hand grabbed my arm and the fog faded away showing a navy blue dress, and then I noticed the face. It was a smile from a woman with her eyes closed. She pulled me down and my ear was next to her mouth and the fog was fully displaced.

I remember some words being whispered in my ear. Then she spoke in English Your plea for a human image was granted, but I am not human. The fog hides me from my prey and now I show myself to you. I should not be an image any living thing you should desire to see

I was then released and I backed away. I saw a red haired woman rocking in her chair in a blue dress. Her eyes remained shut and she began to smile. Her eyes began to open and all I seen was pitch black eyes that felt like a void.

She said humans believe they are an image of god. If that holds true why would I hold the image of a human? I will say I feel sorry for you because your race lacks knowledge to move forward, but a blind man still sees more truths than a man with sight. The thing you gave a human image too will kill you over time, but you will decide if you still exist or fade in time.

I watched the woman stand up. I remember being in a trance in her eyes as her hand reached behind my head and pulled my lips against hers. As she released me I took steps backwards. My lips felt numb and cold. My body started to feel clammy and icy.

She said in most cultures when death kisses you one dies. Some cultures death is what breathes life so they can take it away later. The kiss I gave you is my claim on your soul and I want to see how much you can resist fate.

She then throws a punch at my face which I dodged. While she missed hitting me with her right fist, she was able to follow in motion in kicking me with her left leg. She then smiled as I feel back from the kick.

She said To use this image holds her back from her potential. I want a fight of free will to live. The image I was given is not the true form and for me to fear hitting her was a drawl back. Hitting a woman or creature needs to be discarded now. If I was to die now I would die in my own world.

She then snapped her fingers and I fell to my knees. She then walked up and  punched my face and I fell backwards on my back. She then closed her eyes and held her hand out for me. Trembling as I looked at her I wanted to move.

She said I can’t kill my prey if they don’t make a move. I will give you one move against me. I will open my eyes afterword’s and kill you. In life you will always die at the end by the one who gives you the life.

I stood up knowing if I took her hand it would be seen as an assault. My body felt cold and I let the blood be washed away by the rain. I smiled because I could die from the woman of my dreams. I then realized this was a dream and made a move.

I never touched her body with a fist, but leaned over and kissed her lips. I then wrapped my arms around her and embraced her as I breathed into her mouth. I said I returned the breath of life you gave me and I will take it back when I claim your life.

The woman backed away a bit after I ended the embrace. She placed her left hand on her lips and smiled. She then opened her eyes which showed red. She looked up at the sky and then frowned. Her eyes then fixed on mine and she walked towards me.

She said "its daylight now and I lost for tonight. I will kill you one day, but I will haunt your life since your vision is clouded. The image you gave me will affect you both when you sleep and when you’re awake. During the day you will have eyes for me. At night I will talk to you and give you things to think about. When time comes and I tire of you then death will