Electronic Sludge: An Overflowing Quart Of

By Dale Carpenter

Humor collected in my computers in 40 years of using the Internet. Humor preferences are a lot like food preferences. If you find something here distasteful, it is not my problem or concern. Just push it to the side of the plate and continue on. You'll find something else more to your liking. If you like this, check out the other cups of Electronic Sludge. And don't blame me for any of this, I just put it together for your amusement. And to make some room on my computer hard drive.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lies Told Press, LTD..
• Release date: Jul 21, 2019
• ISBN: 9781733271400

Book preview

Electronic Sludge: An Overflowing Quart Of

Electronic Sludge: An Overflowing Quart Of

Dale Carpenter

Electronic Sludge: An Overflowing Quart Of.

Copyright 2019 by Dale Carpenter.  All rights in all formats reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the publisher.

Copyright is being claimed ONLY to the formatting and presentation of this material, not to the material itself, since there is no way of determining where or who it came from.  Most of it was emailed to multiple email addresses, news boards, or usenets, with multiple from addresses.  Attribution will be gladly provided to the originator if they provide proof  in an original printed form. 

Published 2019 by Lies Told Press, LTD. - Non-fiction division.

Printed in the United States of America.

Lies Told Press, LTD. is a non-profit company helping authors and artists publish and market their works.  All profits, except for what is needed to keep us running, go directly back to the authors and artists.  Lies Told Press, LTD. books are available at www.Lulu.com.

Carpenter, Dale

Electronic Sludge: An Overflowing Quart Of

ISBN 978-1-7332714-0-0

1.  Humor.

2.  Internet communications.

3.  Life lessons and wisdom earned.

4.  Quotations.

818 CAR

INTRODUCTION

The Internet came into being on October 29, 1969 when 2 college network nodes in California were connected and communicated.

The World Wide Web came into being on August 6, 1991 when Tim Bernards Lee put a website online in Switzerland using the Hypertext Transfer Protocol (HTTP) he had written.

I started using computers and searching online databases on the Internet in the summer of 1979 while I was in graduate school working towards a Masters Degree in Library Science.

In the past 40 years I have found a un-calculatable amount of information.  A small bit of it, appealing to me in some manner, has been stored or become lodged in my computers.

Here is a small bit of that small bit.  I hope you like it.

Humor preferences are a lot life food preferences.  If you find something here distasteful, it’s not my problem or concern.  Just push it to the side of the plate and continue on.  You’ll find something else more to your liking.

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MEN FOCUSED HUMOR

THE MAN CODE:

1.  Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate

2.  Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3.  Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

4.  When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.  You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5.  Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6.  You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT.  (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7.  If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8.  The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes.  For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9.  Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden.  You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10.  No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11.  Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.  Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12.  Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

13.  Women who claim they love to watch sports must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14.  If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothing.

15.  The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16.  A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17.  Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them.  You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18.  When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19.  When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20.  It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.  And it's delivered by a topless supermodel.  And it's free.

21.  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22.  A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23.  If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.  Exception:  If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, What this guy needs is a good  arse-whooping, then you may sit back and enjoy.

24.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:  Yeah, baby, push it!  C'mon, give me one more! Harder! Another set and we can hit the showers.  Nice arse, are you a Sagittarius?

25.  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.  That's just plain mean.

26.  If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27.  Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

28.  Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line.  In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

29.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.  Too gay.

30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention.  If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a FUCK OFF! you are absolved of responsibility.

31.The morning after you and a babe who was formerly just friends have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

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The Top 10 Things Men Understand About Women

1.    

2.    

3.    

4.    

5.    

6.    

7.    

8.    

9.    

10.  

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YOU DA MAN! TEST

1)  In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A.  Lovemaking.

B.  Screwing.

C.  Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2)  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A.  Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B.  Your blood test results.

C.  Five tequila slammers.

3)  You time your orgasm so that:

A.  Your partner climaxes first.

B.  You both climax simultaneously.

C.  You don't miss Sports Center.

4)  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A.  Healthy, creative love-play.

B.  Not the sort of thing to which your wife/girlfriend would agree.

C.  Not the sort of thing about which your wife/girlfriend ever need ever to know about.

5)  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman with whom you've just had sex is:

A.  The best part of the experience.

B.  The second best part of the experience.

C.  $100 extra.

6)  Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A.  No concern to you.

B.  Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C.  A conservative estimate.

7)  You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A.  A myth.

B.  An oxymoron.

C.  A moron.

8)  Foreplay is to sex as:

A.  Appetizer is to entree.

B.  Primer is to paint.

C.  A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9)  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A.  I hope we can still be friends.

B.  I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C.  Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.

10)  A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A.  Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the intimacy.

B.  Is uptight and a waste of time.

C.  Should never have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a man!!

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

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THE RULES FROM THE MEN’S POINT OF VIEW

We always hear the rules from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.  These are our rules!  Please note these are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE!

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1.  Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can once again find the perfect present!

1.  Sometimes we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.

1.  Sunday = sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.  Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.  One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1.  Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1.  We don't remember dates.  Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.  Remind us frequently beforehand.

1.  Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.  What makes you think we'd any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  A headache that last for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

1.  Check your oil!  Please.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1.  If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.  Let us ogle.  We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1.  The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.  Get over it.  And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.  We are not mind readers and we never will be.  Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1.  Foreign films are best left to foreigners.  (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1.  It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.  No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1.  BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1.  I'm in shape.  ROUND is a shape.

1.  Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

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GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGE IN PERSONAL ADS:

FIRST THE WOMEN

40-ish........................................... 48

Adventurer................................... Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic......................................... Flat-chested

Average looking............................ Ugly

Beautiful....................................... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile......................... Bring your penicillin

Educated...................................... College dropout

Emotionally Secure...................... Medicated

Feminist....................................... Fat; ball buster

Free spirit.................................... Substance user

Friendship 1st.............................. Trying to live down reputation

Fun............................................... Annoying

Gentle........................................... Comatose

Good Listener.............................. Borderline Autistic

New-Age..................................... All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned.............................. Lights out

Open-minded............................... Desperate

Outgoing...................................... Loud

Passionate.................................... Loud

Poet.............................................. Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional................................. Real Witch

Redhead....................................... Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque................................ Grossly Fat

Romantic...................................... Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous................................... Very Fat

Weight proportional to height...... Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate........................... One step away from stalking

Widow.......................................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.............................. Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish......................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic....................... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated.................... Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit.................. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first.......... As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun............................ Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest....................... Pathological Liar

Huggable.................. Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle........... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature....................... Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister

Physically fit............. Spends a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet........................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual.................... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable........................ Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful................ Says Please when demanding a beer

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A WEDDING QUESTION FROM A CHILD

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white?

Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, So why is the groom wearing black?

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WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.  So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.  Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was:  What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.  Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.  He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.  The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.  She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises.  He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.  He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.  Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it went.  The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!  Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.  Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.  The old witch put her worst manners on display.  She ate with her hands, belched and passed gas, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached:  Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.  What a sight awaited!  The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!  Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.  Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?