Gay Tales

By Christopher Bruce

While some of the jokes and cartoons selected for Gay Tales may be considered somewhat vulgar by some, they are a reflection of how members of the gay community see themselves and are seen by others. It is important that any member of any community should be able to laugh at him or herself and that the community as a whole should be able to roll with the punches directed at it by people that cannot or will not understand that we are all different. It is far better to accept the differences between people than to promote them and to avoid driving wedges between one section of a community and another. All of the jokes and cartoons in this collection have been selected, first and foremost, for their funniness and not for their vulgarity. Many reflect the bitter-sweetness of belonging to a group of people who for many years were "confined to the closet" and the animosity sometimes displayed towards them by a society that simply didn't and often still doesn't understand. I hope that readers of this book, regardless of their personal views will enjoy it for what it really is; a laugh with the gay community and not at it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christopher Bruce
• Release date: Apr 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301262038

Christopher Bruce

Chris Bruce was born in England and educated in South Africa. After a long career in the construction industry in South Africa, Namibia, Hong Kong and the Philippines, Chris moved to Thailand in 2001. He built and equipped a sausage factory in Bangkok which was operated by his wife. Not being Thai, unable to speak the language, no longer a part of the construction “EXPAT NETWORK” due to the slump in the Asian construction industry, it was not long before he became somewhat bored with life. One way to alleviate the boredom was to write. Chris decided to use his knowledge of the sausage industry to write a book of sausage recipes. This was followed by a book of recipes for preparing meals using sausage and a book of liqueur making methods and recipes. After completing the three recipe books he encouraged friends from around the world to send him jokes and cartoons by email. This series of TAKE ME TO THE TOILET BOOKS (VOLS I to VII) is the result of the huge response he got. Chris makes no claim to have dreamt up the jokes, anecdotes and other amusing facts or stories featured in these volumes and in fact it is impossible, with very few exceptions, to say where the jokes originated. Two Thai cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen provided the illustrations. One thing Chris did realize was that people do not have much time to read a little humour and the “Thunderbox”, as it used to be called, is the ideal place to do so. The internet, the source of much modern humor, is not normally accessible during visits to this most private of places and it is hoped that these “TOILET COMPANIONS” will add amusement to the otherwise idle moments spent in the “BOX”.

Book preview

FOREWORD

This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing readers with a modicum of amusement during those sometimes not so quiet moments in the toilet, wc, loo, lav, lavatory, gents, ladies or thunder box as it was sometimes called in the good old days.

The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many of the jokes have been around for decades and tend to reappear in one or another revamped form on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time. Wherever a joke (usually a one liner) is known to have been told by a particular person the joke is attributed to that person but in most instances this is not the case.

Most of the illustrations found in Gay Tales are by Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen. I have tried to contact the owners of the remainder and of the other material used in this book and have in some, but not all, cases obtained permission from the person concerned to use them. If you are someone from whom permission to use material has not been acknowledged please accept my apologies and contact me at [e-mail] in order that the necessary permission may be formalized. See Copyright Issues on last page.

To those of you purchasing this collection I trust that you will take it with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer even if it is a laptop, and wish you many hours of amusement in that most private of places.

Chris Bruce, Bangkok, 2004.

GAY TALES

What's It's Name?

A guy walked into a bar and two steps in, he realized it was a gay bar. But what the heck, he said to himself, I really want a drink. When the gay waiter approached, he said to the customer, What's the name of your penis? The customer said, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. The gay waiter responded, I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies. The customer looked dumbfounded so the bartender told him he would give him a minute to think it over. The customer asked the man sitting to his left, who was sipping on a beer, Hey bud, what's the name of your penis? The man looked back and said with a smile, Timex. The thirsty customer asked, Why Timex? The fella proudly replied, ’Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin! A little shaken, the customer turned to the fella on his right, who was sipping a fruity Margarita and asked, So, what do you call your penis? The man turned to him and proudly exclaimed, Ford, because 'Quality is Job No. 1. Then he added, Have you driven a Ford, lately? Even more shaken, the customer had to think for a moment longer before he could come up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turned to the bartender and exclaimed, The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer. The bartender began to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, Why secret? The customer says, Because it's strong enough for a man but made for woman!

Confession.

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back. Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex. Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex? In reply the altar boy said, Two Snickers bars and a Coke.

100 Reasons To Be Gay. Author Unknown.

You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

You know how to make an entrance.

You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

You can call anyone honey including pets.

You definitely know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

You're the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.

You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.

You only wear polyester when you mean to.

You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.

You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

You really have been there, done that."

Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

You're good pals with women other people can't stand.

You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

You've always got an opinion.

You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.

You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.

Your car has an amusing female name.

You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.

If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

You know that sex complicates things. So you know that being called a cheap slut isn't actually an insult.

There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.

You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

You have at least one movie musical on video.

You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

You know when to make an exit.

You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.

You know how to program your VCR.

You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.

You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

You know when to play dumb.

You know what to do for a hangover.

Yes, you do have a condom.

You've called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.

One or more of the following apply to you:

a) You adore Judy Garland.

b) You hate Judy Garland.

c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.

d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.

e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.

f) Who is Judy Garland?

You can supply the last names to the following list:

a) Bernadette.

b) Chita.

c) Barbra.

You made Donna Summer a star.

You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.

You made Donna Summer a has-been.

Tanning salons were invented for you.

You know when the party's over.

You know where to go after the party's over.

You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of:

a) Your grandma.

b) Your face lift.

c) John Wayne Bobbit.

Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.

You know that referring to someone as a real lady isn't necessarily a compliment.

Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.

If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.

You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.

You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion

and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.

You're Barbra Streisands’ biggest fan.

You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added

side dishes.

You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.

You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.

Unlike most straight women, you have no