"OH, Richard" You Are Not My Son

By Richard Dunbar

This book reveals secrets about Adoption that will be beneficial for all adoptees, their families, and loved ones. The author Richard intimately shares his profound journey of discovery after being told of his Adoption at the age of 56.

Why do some adoptive parents hide the truth?

I discovered a major 'secret' in overcoming negative emotional issues brought about by Adoption — "talking about it"!

Why I carried a Guilty Secret?: 'I never told my adopted mom that I was searching for my birth mother.'

Why did my birth parents give me away?

What if I had found out I was adopted when I was young?

Mysteries from my past were solved

My Life's Sliding Door Moments

"I didn't receive any understanding or comfort from any family or family friends? No nurturing, no insight or understanding of my lifechanging discovery, none whatsoever." "And this has motivated me to plan this book to help, even comfort others who may not have anyone to talk to or who understands them, and my goal is to connect with you. Also, to encourage and inform family and loved ones of adoptees that being open and talking about it in a loving and understanding attitude is a must."

"A child can't build a future if they cannot make sense of the past."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richard Dunbar
• Release date: Aug 9, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393363378

Book preview

Author’s Introduction

My name is Richard Dunbar, and the following story is a memoir of my journey and ultimate triumph after being told at the age of fifty-six that I was an adopted child.

I am telling my story because through it, I discovered secrets that adoptees should know. I reveal answers to questions that adoptees often struggle with and to let them know that there are people who understand you and care for you.  I most sincerely include those who are currently in or coming from foster homes and anyone who has adopted children themselves or are thinking of adopting.

My story is for all of you. It will show you through my first-hand account, how I faced the sudden, shocking news of my adoption and, subsequently, the steps I undertook to find much-needed answers for myself. Solutions that would eventually help my emotional wellbeing after being bluntly told: Richard, you are not my son.

I discuss the captivating steps that I went through that led me to find my biological parents and the eventual fulfillment and closure that brought about. I understand not every adopted person can get closure as I found. But I aim to encourage anyone in this situation no matter what, to choose to be kind to yourself and keep respect for the person you are at this very moment.

I have learned that family life is so important for forming bonds and ties, which eventually shape much of our identity. Adoption can lead to long-term issues for the adopted child. 

I struggled at times with feeling ‘different,’ even alienated from my adopted family, which set me up to question my self-esteem and other issues as I matured. I was nearly three years old when I was adopted, and I can look back now and understand how being adopted affected me on different levels of my life. I often wondered why I sometimes felt like a victim.  Also, when I entered into relationships with girlfriends, I always become over-dependent on them, and I became too emotionally attached, I found I was craving love, really needing the security of being loved. In essence, I became too ‘clingy’ which eventually always led to a bad ending to the relationship. When it did end, I found it extremely hard to cope; I was really bad at it.

I have learned by my own experiences, and through counseling that my emotional reactions had a lot to do with my adoption. Although I loved my adopted mother, I didn’t have that full attachment that only occurs at birth, which left me with emotional needs that I projected onto others.

I can now look back and say it’s because I didn’t have that original attachment with my mother, that I developed insecurities and particularly with relationships that are important to me. In my subconscious, I had this sense of unfulfillment and being unlovable. And as I processed the news on my adoption, other questions lying in the back of my mind were answered.  For example; why do I feel so vulnerable, why do I feel so insecure in relationships and other certain emotional areas, when I am not an insecure person in most other aspects of life.

My quest for answers after finding out I was adopted has been very rewarding and has positively helped my current life.  It has taught me why I feel certain ways, and this has led me to know how to handle emotional situations better, how to relate to my wife and children more positively and with a deeper love. It is amazing! So, I can say I am a living example of what the scientists, social workers, and doctors say about the adverse emotional effects that adopted children face. It's true, there can be some negative issues, but it can create many positives too, which I reveal in this story.

This story is about adoption, but also how some very enthralling subplots unfolded during my pursuit of finding my biological parents and me finding my real identity.  The actual thought of writing a book gradually entered my mind when every time over the years after telling my story to various people, their feedback was always along the lines of Richard how fascinating you should write a book about it.  My publisher has since told me that even if one person says that, it is considered confirmation enough to get on with writing it, so when its many people, then I have many endorsements.

This encouraging statement helped me immensely and gave me the confidence that my story is worth telling. The advice from my book publisher was very constructive as I wrestled with negative thoughts like ‘Who do you think you are Richard to think you can write a book.’ Which the publisher said was ‘normal’ for most authors to have this and other mental obstacles they have to overcome. But never let that stop you from writing as we all have a story inside us that needs to be told. 

The final confirmation came while on an overseas boat cruise with my wife; I was filling in time after dinner one-night conversing with a fellow traveller about my life story. He was a great listener, and we had lots of free time as you do when on a holiday cruise, at the end of my story, he said ‘Richard, what an interesting story; you should write a book and make a movie script from it." I laughed, thinking he was half-joking and told him that lots of people had suggested a book to me, but I had no idea how to write one.

What happened next really got my attention, he looked intently into my eyes and said, I am serious, I am a Hollywood Movie Producer, and I can see the movie potential in it.  It took me by surprise, and I was at a loss for words (and that is hard for me to be) and not quite sure what to say.

Before I could get my wits together, we were interrupted by our families wanting to leave, and unfortunately, I never had another chance to talk to him again. However, his words had a significant impact and sowed the seed inside me to pursue the idea of writing this book.  But how?. When we arrived back home from the holiday, this idea for writing a book kept niggling away in my mind and would not go away.

Eventually, I sat down and explained the situation to my wife (Ruth). Confessing to her how I would love to write my story, that I believed it would help people, and opportunities like this don’t come along very often in life, and I did not want to miss this one. However, there were