Mom, Let's Chat: Let's Have a Heart to Heart Talk

By Seraphines Tan and Magdeline Voon

Motherhood comes with different seasons. The challenges of motherhood would not last a lifetime. Yet, the failure to identify the significance of the season, and to escape from it may bring about long-term consequences for the rest of her life. The author with more than 20 years of counselling experience wishes to journey with mothers, and helping them to identify the different seasons of their lives so that they are able to identify personal growth opportunities, find fulfillment, and their values as woman. The issues that are discussed in the book include:

Self-Image

Rebellious children

Uncooperative husband

Dealing with hurts

In-laws relationship

• Language: English
• Publisher: yee bin voon
• Release date: May 8, 2020

Book preview

Mum, Let’s Chat

Let’s Have a Heart-to-heart Talk

Dr. Magdeline Voon

Mum, Let’s Chat: Let’s Have a Heart-to-heart Talk

Copyright © 2020 Voon Yee Bin

Previously Published in Chinese by August Publishing Sdn Bhd as [Ma ma, wo men lai tan tan: Rang wo men lai yi chang jing cai de xin ling dui hua cheng zhang]

All right reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by an means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or any other – except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Request for information should be addressed to:

Voon Yee Bin

[e-mail]

This book is translated from Chinese into English by:

Matthias Tan

[e-mail]

This book is edited by:

Rachel Chua

[e-mail]

Cover and Interior Illustration by

Seraphines Tan

[e-mail]

Preface

Dear mothers, are you struggling?  Do you often feel that life seems to make itself difficult for you?

I grew up in a small village and I loved nature and people. Since little, I disliked being restrained. And I hated when life became static and dull. Fast forward to life after marriage, I found myself making a choice that was uncharacteristic of me, and that was to stay at home to raise my children. When I made that choice, I realized that my life was going to change drastically. Surely, raising children was nothing like what I had imagined. When I was in the thick of it, I constantly felt that I have lost myself, and wondered if I would ever have a fairy tale ending.

I remember the days of caring for my son over what seemed like twenty-four hours a day, having to feed him every two or three hours, the endless changing and washing of nappies, and the babbles of a child. I often wondered when that season in life would end and when I could stop. However, after years of being shaped and strengthened by these experiences and the many opportunities to grow, I can now look back and be thankful for what I have gone through.

I lost my mother when I was the tender age of ten. I was a child who was still unable to fully care for herself. My mother never got to teach me about marriage or how to care for children. But in His kindness, God continued to care for me, giving me many chances to be nurtured by different mother-figures. They walked with me through life’s many challenges. They laughed and cried with me.

I never thought that I would one day write a book. I didn’t think I was capable! The contents of this book started out as a series of articles I wrote for the parenting and family columns of a magazine called ‘The Great Commission’. I received feedback and encouragement from both colleagues and readers who affirmed the practical examples and advice I gave. They also appreciated the honest, down-to-earth sharing of family life. Many expressed their wish to see my articles reach a wider audience and I was encouraged to compile and publish them in a book. Finally, with the support of my family and after much prayer, I decided to go ahead.

When I was planning for this book, I visited many bookstores and online libraries and found thousands of books on family and parenting. I reflected on what I could offer to my readers. Why should my voice be added to what is already available? Upon further reflection and prayer, I began to realize that 80% of the bestsellers out there were books on how to raise successful children and about the mother-child relationship. It was different from what I had to say! What I felt I would focus on was the mother herself and her journey of personal growth through marriage and motherhood.

To be honest, I do not believe that my book is superior to other books that are already out there. However, it is my hope that through the many stories and discussions contained within, this book can serve as a bridge between you and the many other mothers out there who are in different stages of life, and serve as an encouragement to you as you journey through what many other mothers have experienced.

You are not alone. You are simply in a season of life that will pass. 

As a counsellor, I hope that the honest sharing and real-life stories of failure success will counsel and help you. I hope this book will be a blessing to you. And if you found this book, or any chapters of the book helpful, may I encourage you to share it with others too? It might just help a mother to pull through a challenging season of life.

Here, I wish to thank my husband and best friend who has always believed in me and affirmed me in my journey as a wife and mother. He has been an encouragement and an invaluable part of the process of writing this book, continually affirming the sincerity and validity of my advice. Without him, this book would be nothing more than a dream.

I would also like to thank my three wonderful children for their trust and unconditional love. Despite the mistakes I have made in the process of raising them and the many times that I have apologized, they have never begrudged me and my failings. Instead, they continued to accept and love me, and we have learned many lessons together. May these lessons live on in this book to guide and bless you and many others.

Thank you.

About the Author, My Mom

Ten-year-old me would never have thought that a day would come when she would be needed to rack her brains to write an introduction of her own mother. Well now, seventeen years old, I rack my brains to write this particular paragraph - and I still have completely no idea of what to write. That’s just horrible of me isn’t it? Her very own daughter confounded with a lack of words to describe one’s own mother. Hilarious. Now you see, I am usually not very articulate; I mostly express myself in facial expressions and loud noises. However, since this really is a rather serious matter, I shall try my best. I hope you can bear with me, please.

Magdeline Voon, has a doctorate in ministry with 20 over years of counselling experience.  Countless families and women have been touched by her, and their lives were changed as she guided them across bumpy periods in their lives safely. She is really that one person who can be as hard as a rock and yet have the softest embraces one could ever have. If Dominant was a woman, it would be my mother. And yet, if Loving was a woman, it would be her as well. My mother has always been the decisive person, the problem solver and the giver of advices all complete with a hard-tough shell of independence all over. If you’ve seen my mother, you would’ve probably thought that she looked like a very dominant and hard woman especially with her reading glasses on. But you’d be surprise how emotional and empathetic she is under everything. Many things can touch her and move her to tears easily. As I’ve grown and is still growing up under her care, I’ve slowly started to become more and more in awe of her strength with how she had raised us up with so many things on her shoulders. Being young, even though I was aware, I didn’t really comprehend the intensity and the depth of the situations that my parents had to go through.  Motherhood was and still is not an easy walk at the park for her, as you will see as you read further on into this book. Was she a perfect mother? Certainly not. Has she made mistakes? Oh plenty. But has she grown from them and learnt to be better? Well, that’s for you to find out in this book :). 

Magdeline Voon: a doctorate holder, a counsellor, a writer, a columnist, a wife, an excellent cook, and most importantly, a loving mother.

Wow, I can’t believe I managed to write all that, my mum would be surprised. Jokes aside, I do hope the content of this book will be a form of help or encouragement to you that you are not alone in your struggles or frustrations. Many has said that they were greatly moved when reading it, as they were able to relate with what my mother went through. I do hope this applies to you as well :)

Seraphines Tan

Acknowledgement

The process of writing a book has often been compared to a long and winding journey. Looking back, it seems as if I have been preparing for this journey my whole life! All the stories and insights that I want to share are uniquely shaped by my experiences as an individual, a teacher, a counsellor and, of course, a mother.

First, I would like to thank my Heavenly Father for preserving me through the different seasons of life, for His tender care, and for enabling me to live a meaningful life. He is the reason I am able to pen down my thoughts and share my experiences with you.

Secondly, I would like to thank my family – my wonderful husband and children, who have impacted my life in their own ways. My children gave me the space to write and allowed me to share my stories about parenting, while my husband Thomas pored over every chapter and shared valuable insights with me. I would also like to thank my mother-in-law who, with understanding and acceptance, shared her life with me and gave me room to grow.

Thirdly, I would like to thank my son Matthias to take up the challenge to translate this book and my daughter Seraphines as part of the illustrator. Sister Rachel Chua who help editing the book. They have kept the original flavour of the book to retain my informal approach and relatability to readers.

I would also like to thank a friend – who wishes to remain anonymous – who had the unenviable job of reviewing my manuscripts and never backed down from asking difficult questions. This allowed me to examine my work on a deeper level to ensure that the stories and insights shared will resonate with readers. You know who you are, and you have my deepest thanks.

You will notice that this book is a mosaic of stories. This would not have been possible without the contribution of many and their consent to having their personal stories put into print. We hope that these stories will advise and encourage you in your journey as a mother and impact your life. 

Last but not least, thank you for picking up this book. As I turn to the next chapter in my journey as a mother, it is my hope that this book marks the beginning of your beautiful journey through motherhood.

Section One

The Meaning of Motherhood

1

The Concept of Meaning

‘M eaning’ is subjective . It is tied to one’s personal experience and interpretation of a thing or an event. Therefore, the meaning derived from an experience can vary widely from person to person.

One day many years ago, I found myself home alone with my daughter, Sera. With a family of two sons and a daughter, situations like this were few and far between. Determined to make the time we had together special, I asked her: What would you like to do with mommy today? She answered readily: I’d like to have my hair all nice and curly, just like yours!

We sat together as I painstakingly curled her long hair. By the time I was done with the final strands, two hours had passed. Sera was bleary-eyed, and my shoulder and neck muscles were protesting.

Do you like your hair? I asked. Yes, but I‘m so tired now, she mumbled. How do you think I felt? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? After two hours of delicate and detailed handiwork that resulted in my aching shoulders, my daughter barely glanced at her beautifully styled hair and headed straight to bed. How would you feel? A waste of time? An utterly meaningless effort?

Some of us may be inclined to think that my effort was meaningless. However, I chose to see the experience from a more positive perspective. I chose to view the day spent together with my daughter as quality time and invaluable; it was not a waste of time. I was confident that by doing things together, Sera is able to feel my love for her and be assured that she is cherished. I picked up the camera and snapped a picture of her tired smile and lovely curls, and allowed her to fall asleep in the embrace of her mother’s love. This memory is remembered and treasured by both of us till this day.

Just as there are different ways to view the same experience, there are also different views on the role of a mother. Some believe that their role as a mother is to keep their children well-fed these mothers and healthy. As such, they invest their time in ensuring that their children receive the best nutrition at home. Some others believe that their role is to secure for their children a good education and a comfortable lifestyle. Commonly known as working mothers, they would painstakingly invest their time in building their careers to meet the financial needs of the family. In fact, it is not uncommon nowadays that our children’s health and future are the yardsticks by which our competency as parents is measured.

Meaning and Unexpected Crisis

However, our sense of achievement as parents can be crushed in the face of a crisis. For example, a child with an illness despite the best nutrition, a rebellious teen, or a suicidal child due to peer pressure. Crises such as these can invoke a sense of helplessness in us as mothers. It may even shake our faith and cause us to believe that our sacrifices are worthless and meaningless.

Some years ago, the suicide of a renowned doctor’s son was splashed across the headlines of almost every newspaper nationwide. The myriad of interviews that followed revealed that the grieving father felt deep regret over not spending time with his family- especially his son, as he was always caught up with a busy work schedule. Guilt-ridden, he said:

"My son, my son, I neglected him then. Now it is too late, far too late. As a father, I should have interacted more with him, I should have been there to give him proper guidance... He is my only child... Has always been well protected and well provided for. He had whatever he wanted! Perhaps [The suicide] happened because he couldn’t get what he wanted and couldn’t handle the disappointment. Children nowadays should be allowed to suffer sometimes, and not have everything given on a silver platter.  Otherwise they